How important is engagement?

[Lloyd95]

or you could just force his hand by telling him you don't intend to audition forever, and booting him out.

Ugh! I hate ultimadems (sp?). Been down that road; homey don't play that

[ohmy]

This is outlined in the book "The Rules"

Don't pressure him or even talk about it. I am so turned off when a women starts to question me about engagement/marriage.

Guys are like cats on this, it has to be our idea.

He either loves you and will surprise you when he is ready, or he won't marry you. Either way, you win.

Moving in together before marriage was a mistake. If it is not a huge deal, tell him so, and ask if he would find his own place. You might just be surprised on how quickly a ring shows up. Only do this if this is in your heart, not as a tool to get the ring. You will never feel good about yourself if you "tricked" him into marrying you.

moving in together was not a mistake. we talked about it for awhile and covered everything. we originally said we wouldn't do it (i have a 7 yr old son) until we were married. then when we talked about it happening rather quickly once he moved back to town i figured it wasn't a big deal. plus, it would have been hard for both of us to know the other one was just a mile down the road and wasn't spending the night when it would be so easy to do. after all, we had already been doing it anyway. there is no way i could ask him to move out. that would put a HUGE strain on our relationship i think. and i would never trick him into marrying me. that is the reason i don't talk about it or bring it up. he is always the one. but today i thought a lot about it and figured i have the right to know what's going on. who is to say us women are just supposed to sit around and wait for the guy to be ready and do it when he wants. i just feel like i'm in the dark.

[shh!]

Lloyd - Eh, I wouldn't have advised them moving in together, but if she wants to know if he is REALLY going to marry her, what better plan do you have? It's not the ideal, I agree, but I don't see another choice (other than simply waiting for him to take action).

[Junsui]

That's true, we shouldn't sit around and wait till the guy is ready.

[whaywardj]

Sheesh, Vette. What IS this thing with you and The Rules book? We got the message the first three or four times you mentioned it.

[Rosebud]

Have you thought maybe he's just waiting for the right moment to propose to you? He may not want to talk about it or say in a couple more months becasue he wants it to be a surprise when he does it.

[shh!]

moving in together was not a mistake. we talked about it for awhile and covered everything. we originally said we wouldn't do it (i have a 7 yr old son) until we were married. then when we talked about it happening rather quickly once he moved back to town i figured it wasn't a big deal. plus, it would have been hard for both of us to know the other one was just a mile down the road and wasn't spending the night when it would be so easy to do. after all, we had already been doing it anyway. there is no way i could ask him to move out. that would put a HUGE strain on our relationship i think. and i would never trick him into marrying me. that is the reason i don't talk about it or bring it up. he is always the one. but today i thought a lot about it and figured i have the right to know what's going on. who is to say us women are just supposed to sit around and wait for the guy to be ready and do it when he wants. i just feel like i'm in the dark.

Why are you considering this to be a trick? I frankly feel like you would be laying your cards on the table openly and honestly. You WANT to get married, and that is your goal. Why the shame over stating it?

If he is not ready to marry, then he will say so, but if he thinks yuo are "tricking" him, he is merely avoiding taking responsibility for his own choices.

[Lloyd95]

Lloyd - Eh, I wouldn't have advised them moving in together, but if she wants to know if he is REALLY going to marry her, what better plan do you have? It's not the ideal, I agree, but I don't see another choice (other than simply waiting for him to take action).

Yeah, but I personally don't like the whole "sh*t or get off the pot" attitude when relating to marriage.
I think that just forces the guy away, or to become resentful later on down the road.

[whaywardj]

It's pretty much standard operating procedure these days for people to live together awhile before marrying. The "test drive" theory. The mistake may have been telling each other you wouldn't until you were married. Ideals sometimes scatologically fly in the face of reality.

[Lloyd95]

It's pretty much standard operating procedure these days for people to live together awhile before marrying. The "test drive" theory.

And I approve 100% of this theory. (unless it were one of my daughters doing the "living in sin" thing)

[ohmy]

Have you thought maybe he's just waiting for the right moment to propose to you? He may not want to talk about it or say in a couple more months becasue he wants it to be a surprise when he does it.

I LOVE that idea. But let me show you what he said today....

me: we haven't talked about it since before you moved in
me: and we agreed to not to live together long without being married
him: it doesn't matter to me. i don't have a "plan" - we don't have a "plan." it wouldn't be a bad thing to come up with though. where/when/how/who


There is a lot more of that conversation i could add and you guys could understand better but like i said no one wants to read all of that crap


that's why i don't think a proposal is in the works. he's just wanting to go do it without the worry of buying a ring or maybe it's not of importance to him - maybe he thinks it's not to me either. but how do you tell a guy "hey, i'm ready. go get me a ring and we'll do it"?

[Bluevetteracer]

lol How does she win in both of those circumstances? In her case, yes I think moving in together beforehand was probably a mistake.

She wins in both cases, because if he wants to marry her, he will do it, if he does not, then she can find a Man that wants to marry her.

Just because you want someone, they may not want you. It is hard to tell this sometimes, because it is a personal reflection to admit someone does not want you whole-heartedly.

[Lloyd95]

There is a lot more of that conversation i could add and you guys could understand better but like i said no one wants to read all of that crap

Amen sister!!

[Bluevetteracer]

Sheesh, Vette. What IS this thing with you and The Rules book? We got the message the first three or four times you mentioned it.

Wayward, it is a book for women, and deals with ideals, standards, and in my opinion, a good guide for women when dealing with men.

Again, my opinion.

Most, if not many of the problems that arise on here or in relationships could have been avoided, following the simple steps outlined in the book.

The rules are not tricks or cons, they are set of standards, you set for yourself, when dealing with men. It teaches self respect, limits, and expectations.

You know I am a tad old school, but some old principles are timeless, and are paramount for relationships, and I think some of that is missing today.

[ohmy]

Wayward, it is a book for women, and deals with ideals, standards, and in my opinion, a good guide for women when dealing with men.

Again, my opinion.

Most, if not many of the problems that arise on here or in relationships could have been avoided, following the simple steps outlined in the book.

The rules are not tricks or cons, they are set of standards, you set for yourself, when dealing with men. It teaches self respect, limits, and expectations.

You know I am a tad old school, but some old principles are timeless, and are paramount for relationships, and I think some of that is missing today.

like the traditional engagement - man pays attention to what his girl would like, buys it, talks to mom and dad about it, gets their blessing, plans a proposal, surprises girl with ring,HAPPY EVER AFTER!