forbidden love

[Prodigal]

vashti- She said in a later post that she is '19.. 20 in July'. She could be lying, sure. But what would her motivation be to lie? We're people she doesn't know at all, so by lying to us she doesn't really gain anything. Believing in the rationality of people's decision making (which may be a flaw by me, but whatever), I assume that she is not lying about her age.

Following that she is this age, I must conclude that the reasons for her parents not approving is based solely on race. She makes no reference to her boyfriend meeting her parents, so I don't think it can be that. Why else would her parents be so upset (if she hasn't had a boyfriend before, etc)? If the boyfriend was a white boy, would their reaction be different? I'd put money on the answer being 'yes'.

[secrets]

..guys..im 19..i swear...lol...


and well...i dont think its a race think that they see...its a culture clash...honestly....as bad as this sounds...i think its because they care how my community will react to that..thats why,...and my parents are very traditional so they are very strict on this whole..stay within the religion and culture..i thought like that too until i met my boyfriend....clearly i care about him enough to stay with him...its tough to not have a normal relationship and have my boyfriend come to my house, but my parents are not very understanding of this...this honesty thing is not working so its back to lies...i know..it sucks..but...i love him...

[Only-virgins]

You owe your parents your life, after all they brought you into this world. If they don't want you to do something then it is your obligation to follow. It's a respect thing. That's the way I feel. Also, there are many fish in the sea. You will find someone else

Thats the dumbest thing I ever heard, I know a couple who lost their daughter to suicide in my city because they tried to step into situations like these were they do not belong.

[vashti]

I didn't think you were lying about your age - I simply didn't catch the part where you stated it.

I don't think we should automatically assume they are racist (although they could be, of course). I understand parents who worry about their child's well being in an interfaith/interracial/inter-whatever relationship. People have been known to commit acts of violence against those considered "outsiders". Not everyone is strong enough psychologically to handle the stress.

Anyway, I think lying to your parents is very childish. If you really ARE 19, why don't you act like you are an adult and be straight up with them? And while you are at it, why don't you spell "girl" correctly to enhance our perception of your maturity?

[secrets]

i didnt think the spelling thing was an issue in the first place...

and i was straight up with my parents, and they didnt like it...

but i value your opinion..thanks...

[Prodigal]

I'm sorry, but what you said (a "culture clash"?) is just a euphemism for saying it's racism. "They care how the community will react to that". Why should they give a shit if not for selfish reasons? The non-acceptance of you in that community by having a boyfriend from a different race is real and is a risk you must be willing to take if you want to be with him. But this ISN'T something your parents should be worried about.. and if they are, tell them that you're willing to accept those consequences. If they DO worry about it, maybe it's because they worry about how THEY will be perceived by the community. Seems like this whole community is traditional like your parents. They might say some bad things to you, but they need to learn. Love is love, it doesn't depend on race or religion. And I'm sorry, you may call this a 'culture clash', but it really is just plain RACISM. They can't deal with the fact that the person you have feelings for is not one of their community? What possible explanation could you give for it other than racism? I will argue against any argument...

But anyway, I went on a tangent. I think you should stick with it... you said you went straight up with your parents.. so be consistent. They're probably already wary of you.. don't lie to them more. If you really like this guy, make it apparent that you're not going to give into your parents just because they don't approve. I believe this is the only way you'll get your parents to accept him.

[secrets]

prodigal..i really respect your comments...i totally disagree with everything that my parents are doing, and i will definitely stick it out with my boyfriend...because hes the only one right now thats making me happy..not my family....its him that makes me happy..and im gonna be with him...

and yeah...my community is all about gossip and talk and stuff..and i dont think my parents wanna deal with that or are able to handle that..but if it doesnt bother me...then im ok with being with my boyfriend....couldnt do this without him..

[Late_vamp]

i dont mean to be racism , maybe i am a bit but thats the way i was raised ... but if my daughter would tell me shes dating a black kid and just the tought that this "mayate" will get his junk stuck in her if he sticks around will get me soooo pissed off ... i would probably have to have a little one on one talk with him ... my little girl losing her one and only virginity to some punk that doesnt even belong to my culture or at least a culture i like ... i aint buying it . then again if shes in love i would respect it ... only if he doesnt lay a hand on her or does some shit to her ... else here i come with my fist ready like dynamite.

but you do understand that you are the 1st one of their kids ... everything will be harder for you because you are the 1st to take a step ... for your sisters they should have it easier ... thats if your parents dont go postal and decide to move back to country .

you should really tell your parent how you feel about him, that you love him and you cant see life without him ... they *might* understand ... or else they see it as you (never having a previous BF) ... and the 1st thing that she brings home is a foreign ... WTF kid ... i bring you here , i raise you up to my way and you bring a FoReiGn ?!?!

just put yourself in their shoes.

[secrets]

..lol..late_vamp...my bf is really respectful of me and my values and stuff...and he is not laying a *hand* on me in a bad wayy...so yeah..

and yes...the fact that i am the first definitely plays a role in this ..

..they werent very understanding ..i swear...telling me that our relationship is like cut off because i hurt them sooo bad...they didnt take it well..so im gonna keep my bf and i on the downlow again..until i must revisit this topic until im 25 or something...lol...

[whaywardj]

Well, Secrets. It appears you're on the cusp of what may be only the first of many hard choices that'll be coming down your road in times to come. Given the circumstances as you described them, I don't see how you can long go on loving him AND enjoying the closeness of family by living in your parents' home. Odds are, you're sooner or later going to have to choose between loving him and moving out, or losing him and living in. As things are, you apparently can't have both.

[secrets]

..i dont like the part when you said i have to choose because i dont think anyone should have to make me choose..because no one should have to choose...there isnt anything to choose...family is first...and there is love that is allowed to exist....i refuse to choose..

my sisters are so against this tooo..i have totally lost them..they like hate me and despise me and they are on my case all the time too...i actually think im gonna go insane guys..

thanks for all your input

[clynn]

Where do you live?

What is your European background, specifically, if you don't mind me asking.

[whaywardj]

...i dont like the part when you said i have to choose...i refuse to choose...my sisters are so against this tooo..i have totally lost them..they like hate me and despise me...

Why am I not surprised?...doesn't matter that you refuse to make a choice...if you don't, other's will make it for you...your sisters, evidently, already have.

[vashti]

Damn, even your SISTERS are against you? Again I say - I think there is more here than we are hearing about. Sisters are usually a hell of a lot more sympathetic than you are giving them credit for.

[secrets]

..sure..clynn..my background is macedonian..

and umm yeah..my sisters and i are really close to each other..we have a really good relationship..they are younger though..and they are upset because i am not doing what *mommy and daddy* say..so yeah..that just comes from ther inexperience though..and their concern for me (they think i will like die or something)..and just that they think its not good to hurt my parents at this level..and i agree..its not..but i also dont think there is a reason to be hurting myself..sure..boyfriends come and go..but there is one boyfriend that stays around...and if this is gonna be my bf that stays around forever..i cant risk losing him...

my parents are being overly dramatic i think..but i can put myself in their shoes..i really can..because i would have not been accpeting either if i grew up like them...and their expectations..but i have seen more to love than similarity in culture of background..they wont even give my boyfriend a chance

today is valentine's day....and i am at home in my room...i saw my boyfriend this morning..but it was briefly, and ny dad was on my case calling me telling me i should smarten up and stop acting crazy like i have been..blah blah...

i really shouldnt have to deal with this...but what doesnt break you.makes me stronger...and im not broken yet...so yeah

thanks guys...really..its good to talk about this with people from all over the place..i like outsider and non bias opinions..lol