Should I break up?

[ExpoNovak]

If it were me, I would wait until after Christmas. Not only will this give you time to get all your ducks in a row, but no mutal friend/family member/late night phone call gets to throw "You ruined Christmas" in your face. Sounds feeble, but that's just one more stressor you don't need right now.

Take the time until then to find another place to live and to put away the money necessary to move. Until then, act natural. It may seem like you are being dubious, but its far better than having a nasty fight and ending up on the street immediately with no place to go. Make sure that you are covered and provided for. You've tried to be responsible for her, it didn't work, so now the focus is on taking care of yourself. It will be a lot easier to handle her this next few weeks once you know you are leaving.

When you decide to go, tell her to her face and at a time when she can't stay and try to hash it out with you for hours. Maybe an hour or two before she has to be at work. This way, she HAS to leave and you have peace while you get your stuff out. Be completely gone by the time she gets home. And for God's sake, no breakup letters. Those end up posted on here all the time...its so sad its funny.

Best of luck to you.

[Gigabitch]

When you decide to go, tell her to her face and at a time when she can't stay and try to hash it out with you for hours. Maybe an hour or two before she has to be at work.

I agree with Expo for the most part, but not about this ^^^. Do NOT break up with her before she has to go to work. Do it on her day off and after you've said what needs to be said, you leave. Don't stay for more than half an hour. It won't help either one of you.

Is she going to be completely screwed on rent if you leave? If so, you have a responsibility to move out at the beginning of the month after paying rent, so she has a few weeks to find a roommate (and clean her house).

Speaking of a clean house, the way she lives is just like a sick animal that doesn't take care of it's nest. I feel sorry for her, I really do, but she clearly needs more help than you can provide. Hopefully, she'll see this as a sign that she needs to make some changes, but it's also possible that she'll just tank when you leave. Please ask her family to check in on her.

At some point, it will be obvious that she can't afford NOT to go to counseling. There are all kinds of options out there- support groups for survivors of bad childhoods, etc. Some of them are free, or nearly free. I agree with Indi that she's exhibiting signs of PTSD. I disagree with the assessment that she's simply overextended. She sounds ****ing depressed to me.

[IndiReloaded]

At some point, it will be obvious that she can't afford NOT to go to counseling.

If she is a full-time teacher in the public school system then she has a health plan that provides for counselling. Its actually one of the things I am certain is provided for a teacher, b/c it is so integral to their job they are in good mental health.

Something seems out of kilter w/both this story & the OP. I agree it sounds like he already made up his mind to break up w/her. But I also don't think he's very mature himself. He hasn't stated at any point any solutions he implemented for solving their problem. Telling someone they have a problem isn't a solution. Whatever her issues are, and no doubt she has them, his attitude will carry on into future relationships.

[asterick]

The thing is, I have tried to make it work. We have talked about every single issue on my "list" multiple times. Each time she says she will work on it, but, she only works on it for 3 or 4 days then quits. I guess she just thinks it is alright.

I have kind of made up my mind in the sense that I am extremely frustrated with this. While I sound very bitter, I do still love her, and want things to work, but I do not think they will. I am not trying to shoot it down before it has a chance and doom it to failure, but we have been down the "working on it" road so many times, its embarrassing. At some point, the person just has to realize things won't change. I feel that this is that point for me.

I have actually gone to the step of buying a whiteboard and putting a calendar on it. I divided up the chores and wrote them down on it. Together we broke them up in half and I did my half, and hers got done twice, then stopped completely.

I would like for my attitude to NOT carry on in the future. It is just hard since things dont get worked on.

[IndiReloaded]

I have actually gone to the step of buying a whiteboard and putting a calendar on it. I divided up the chores and wrote them down on it. Together we broke them up in half and I did my half, and hers got done twice, then stopped completely.

I asked you this already but you didn't answer:

1. Do you work FT yourself? i.e. who's bringing in the bacon??
2. Did you agree *together* about the whiteboard division of labour?
3. If yes, what did you do when the system broke down?

Your current relationship notwithstanding, I can tell you I've been where you are (not the depression stuff, the scheduling). Our first few iterations of scheduling didn't work either.

It generally sucks to have one person assigned to a set chore forever. It may also be unreasonable to expect the majority of work be done anytime other than the weekend. Also, some ppl are motivated by doing things *together* as a team. Go back & read my list of suggestions & see if any of that makes sense.

[asterick]

Yes we both agreed on the solution. When she stopped, I continued and said something she did it once more then stopped again. It happened again and I just let it go. And here I am.

As for the chores WE decided for her. I went as far as to just giving her the chores that dealt with her cat. I asked her to sweep the bathroom while I cleaned the toilet and sink and mirror. I asked her to make sure she kept the couch cover washed as she lets the cat lie on it, but that never even happened once. I in turn vacuumed and swept. That is all I asked her to do, and she agreed. We split the cooking and dishes. But again, she lets her turn sit in the sink for days before either I do it, or the house starts to stink. The only other thing we agreed on her doing was to not throw her clothes/hangers/school mess and stuff everywhere, OR make sure it is clean before bed. Instead, she just leaves it and goes to bed. Every time I bring it up, she just breaks down and tells me how stressed she is. I do admit, she needs extra help because of her rough school situation, but this is extreme.

If you want to know, its her 1st year teaching and she is just figuring it all out. She is a perfectionist and if anything bad happens, it is the "end of the world". It has been that way with everything that does not go well.

I did actually state that I work 40 hrs a week. I make less than her, but I would be much better off financially than her if I left. She has lots of debt. She made tons of mistakes in the past with money, but to her credit is working to fix that. She went to a credit repair company and has been doing that perfectly for over 3 years. But yes, she would probably make it, but it would be rough for her.

I also want to note that it is not just the housekeeping either, it is the other things too, and the fact that she does not care enough to change. I feel like she does not value this relationship enough to fix it.

[IndiReloaded]

I also want to note that it is not just the housekeeping either, it is the other things too, and the fact that she does not care enough to change. I feel like she does not value this relationship enough to fix it.

Hmmm, assuming this has been going on for years I would have to say there's a problem & you have been trying for a while to solve it. Okay.

But if she just started teaching this year, this means she was a student for at least part of the time you were together. Students have sloppy habits. Teacher's College & being a TOC is no piece of cake.

She's probably organized as hell at work b/c she has to answer to the school principle if not. If this doesn't come natural to her, this would explain her stress. If that's the case (dunno, just guessing) then she's getting dumped on both at work & at home by you on this issue. No place to relax anywhere is a sucky way to live. On the other hand, putting a certain amount of effort into living conditions is a part of becoming a responsible adult.

Not that this helps your issues, just puts the issue in perspective.

I really think that an alternating daily schedule could be the answer for this gal. A weekly chore list just doesn't work for some; its too easy to let it slide until your week is suddenly gone. And mbe not expecting too much during the work week, keep those requirements minimal (e.g. the kitchen like I said). Then work on the place together for a couple hours on Sat. You probably live in an apartment, so it can't take longer than that if you both do it.

But it sounds like mbe you want to let it go entirely. That's your choice & noone really knows that but you. Some ppl just can't live w/slobs b/c it affects their own sanity. Just like how some ppl are nuts and go thru more bleach than water in a week. Its just a question of what will make you most comfortable.

[asterick]

I appreciate your help and personal investment in my issue. I have lots to think about and true it is ultimately up to me. Have I made up my mind? Not 100% yet. While I am definitely leaning toward yes (break up), We will see. Once again, I do appreciate all the help.

[Junket]

Why are all you ppl so quick to have him dump her?

Because it's so much easier to walk out the door, and it's probably best he doesn't copulate with this one anyway.

EDIT: Plus, she sounds like my mother...and step-father...and two younger sisters...these are the kind of people to avoid...

[misombra]

wow. this guy is living with the female version of mikey.

[IndiReloaded]

wow. this guy is living with the female version of mikey.

Ahahahaha! Well, tell him how you deal with Mikey then.

New teachers make about 40K a year (sad, eh?). If he's less, I'm guessing they have a combined of around 70K. That's enough to hire someone to come in and clean their place 2x a month. If they wanted. I bet they spend more $ on lunches.

Nope, the slobbiness is not the real problem. Its just a symptom.

[CAM]

I don't think she's depressed. First of all, it seems like she (as an adult) has built a whole series of reasons for why she is the way she is. Abused/beaten severely...etc. At some point, there is no significant causal relationship between point A and point B. Anybody who has studied time series knows that the "white noise" takes over at some point because other factors emerge to explain behavior.

1. stressed at work (very likely...working with students is often very annoying. Working with educational administrators is always very annoying).

2. She's using drugs of some type. Possible. And it could be happening while she is supposed to be at work.

3. Or, she another life that you don't know about. I think that there is a real possibility of that; yet, I would not say that it is a sexual situation.

4. She has a physical illness-- a possible brain disorder. I'm serious about this. You should encourage her to get examined beyond the normal physical. I know this to be a fact since a friend just went through this and exhibits similar actions as you described.


At any rate, I don't that the two of you should live together. There's something wrong and you cannot solve it by being there.

[misombra]

Ahahahaha! Well, tell him how you deal with Mikey then.

New teachers make about 40K a year (sad, eh?). If he's less, I'm guessing they have a combined of around 70K. That's enough to hire someone to come in and clean their place 2x a month. If they wanted. I bet they spend more $ on lunches.

Nope, the slobbiness is not the real problem. Its just a symptom.

lol i was mostly kidding. mikey is not nearly as bad as this girl.

plus he's working at doing better. plus i'm just not that picky about a clean house.

but i think you're right. it's something else. probably her lack of effort and kinda giving up on the WORK required in any relationship. that's very upsetting to somebody who is actually willing to do the work.

[vashti]

I don't think she's depressed. First of all, it seems like she (as an adult) has built a whole series of reasons for why she is the way she is. Abused/beaten severely...etc. At some point, there is no significant causal relationship between point A and point B. Anybody who has studied time series knows that the "white noise" takes over at some point because other factors emerge to explain behavior.

I've never studied "time series", but I agree in general with what you are saying. PLENTY of people have childhood issues to deal with, and turn out just fine. While it is sad she was abused, that doesn't excuse her adult behaviors.

(slightly off topic) Besides, with the overly-broad definition of "abuse" these days, it is hard to determine what people really mean when they say this. I've heard numerous women complain that their husband has "abused" them because they were yelled at during an argument. That doesn't compare to a child with cigarette burns on the soles of their feet.

[misombra]

do you see some abused kids in the hospital vashhhh?

what part of the hosp. do you work in?