Trying to understand....

[Only-virgins]

You know what would be a cool thing to do? Call the house number of the girl until her husband picks up and say something along the lines of "Have you seen my boyfriend around your house? He's been meeting up frequently with your

Oh oh I like the way you think. Mish got a little OV in him

Also when I tell him I love you he now replies with "sometimes, yeah yeah and once in a great while I love you too"

Yeah yeah is a ridiculous response to get for an "I love you"

Wow- he's really got you in a corner. It sounds like you're ready to apologize for the perfectly valid feeling of jealousy about his behavior.

Wtf? He's got a kid with you, for ****'s sake. Why shouldn't you be jealous about him acting like a lovesick dog over this married ex of his? This is disgusting. You might be a doormat.

You see, this is why we keep Gig around.

[Stresscity]

Mish~sorry about that your right. I haven't been with it lately going thru so many emotions and thoughts right now. Again I apologize.

[GrkScorp]

Please help! I am scared that I am losing him.
E~

well, sounds to me like you ARE losing him.. but not because of HER, but because of YOU!

yeah.. I'm sure more attractive woman than his ex have entered his life before.. but this hasn't been the case in the past..

so, it's not something special about HER (i'm sure she doesn't have like 3 boobs or something).. but it's something that YOU aren't doing..

what he's doing is reaching out, trying to get what he wants from a woman, possibly from a relationship.. something YOU aren't giving him

the whole "don't talk to her.. I don't like what's going on with her".. serves as nothing more than fule for his desire for her.. so just please.. cut it out.. stop getting on his case about it.. I don't know why women don't understand, that the moment you place such restrictions on people, they automatically become desireable and attractive.. so just stop being your own worst enemy.. and stop telling him no more talking with her..

why? this is psychological.. and rightfully so.. when you can't resist by telling him to stop talking to her, or that it bothers you; that's because you're feeling insecure (that if he continues to talk to her, you're going to lose him; because she's better than you in some way).. that information is picked up by him.. and he starts to feel that (hey, you know what, maybe my ex IS better).. so please.. stop doing this to yourself.. instead.. just pretend it doesn't bother you.. that way.. the signal you're going to be sending is.. (how cute you're taking to your ex again, but it doesn't bother me, because I know i'm better, and she's got nothing on me..).. and he'll pick up on that..

now.. enough with correcting your immediate mistakes on the situation.. down to the more serious stuff..

there are only 3 things that can make him want MORE from a woman:

1. How is his SEX LIFE?
2. How is his ROMANTIC LIFE?
3. How is his SOCIAL LIFE?

note: "his" is not the same as "your".. so really think about this for a second..

1. sexual frustration.. maybe not that often.. maybe it's getting boring.. maybe you're putting in no effort and he's always the one that has to initiate.. whatever it is.. start to pick up on it.. and talk about it casually.. not seriously.. casually only so that he feels relaxed.. and consider dressing up a little more often.. it could just be the case that you're not visually appealing enough for him (prior to you being naked).. so he doesn't feel the same sexual desire.. which in turn may be ruining his sex life..

2. romantic frustration.. aww how sweet.. all those things he does for you.. how thoughtful.. but what about you? no seriously.. do you really think a card or a shirt matters to a guy? that's just being vain and selfish to think that guys think like YOU do.. he takes the effort to try and think of what YOU would like as a woman.. you should take the effort to try and think what HE would like as a man.. I don't know what kind of guy he is.. but try a mix of.. (a) stroking his ego; (b) giving him more physical contact that leads up to sex; (c) flirt with him more often.. why? [Males, as you should know by now, are not that great at expressing emotions.. SEX, for a large part is a male's way of trying to express his feelings of love for you.. in a guy's mind.. SEX is NOT about sex with someone he's romantically involved with.. so the most unromantic thing you can do, is shut off his routs which lead to sex..]

3. boring social life.. this one is actually the most fun one to work on in my opinion.. all you have to do is realize that the places you go to.. the people you hang out with and talk to.. and the things you do.. are all boring him to death.. and he's only saying "i'm having fun" to be polite.. so just try new things.. meet new people.. this could very well be the case.. maybe there's a new interest on his mind that he wants to explore but feels you're this conservative old rut that wants to stick to the same thing (her thing).. help him break that notion of you, by trying out new things with an open mind.. start getting more involved with his interests; and listen for hints and suggestions he makes..

I think that should do it.. there's no need to lose hope or have your world fall down on you.. it sounds to me like he's frustrated.. and is crying out for help.. so you need to fix that.. and work on those areas until you feel you're doing something that's working..

[Stresscity]

grk~
I understand what you are saying and I will try that. He has a week off work and I will see what I can do on his level. Would it be wrong to ask him what it is that he isn't liking in the relationship? ....I am really trying harder, Its hard for me not to mention that I know he talks to her but I don't bring her up anymore.
The thing about giving him stuff, thats just it I do give and give to him (even sexually) and I haven't recieved anything from him in return. And I am not talking about little things Theres a nice little price tag there. Including that I pay the cell phone bill that he uses and he does have a way better income than I do.

But I will take your advice into mind and try that over this xmas break and the future on and see if I can get back the relationship I once had.
Thank you for you advice.

[bebi]

sit down and talk with this boyfriend of yours. if you really want to keep the relationship (especially if it has been going on for five years), then you need to settle things instantly. don't let things that bother you pile up or you will have to deal with a bigger mess in the end... not to mention, more frustration for not speaking out in the first place. do you guys plan to have a future with each other? communication is the vital key to every relationship. remember that. in addition, don't go snooping around looking at his phone bills or emails. you'd rather be honest towards him than assume things. snooping around would only destroy your relationship even more. if his ex-girlfriend is already married, then you should realize that she already has a husband and she is not going to snatch your boyfriend away. i don't think these two have any intentions of harming you, but they may be caught up trying to reunite. it all comes down to you being honest and having a talk with him. hope all works out!

[GrkScorp]

grk~
I understand what you are saying and I will try that. He has a week off work and I will see what I can do on his level. Would it be wrong to ask him what it is that he isn't liking in the relationship? ....I am really trying harder, Its hard for me not to mention that I know he talks to her but I don't bring her up anymore.
The thing about giving him stuff, thats just it I do give and give to him (even sexually) and I haven't recieved anything from him in return. And I am not talking about little things Theres a nice little price tag there. Including that I pay the cell phone bill that he uses and he does have a way better income than I do.

But I will take your advice into mind and try that over this xmas break and the future on and see if I can get back the relationship I once had.
Thank you for you advice.

awww... ok.. i'm really busy.. but after I saw your post.. it just broke my heart..

look.. you sound like a great girlfriend.. who really wants to do everything right.. but you're going about it in the most socially awkward and unorthodox way.. (a way I personally prefer, but it's quite clear he doesn't)..

social neutrality: stuff you both know is true, but you just can't openly say for the sake of not being rude, or awkward.. (example: someone in your direct family has AIDS; your whole family finds out, but during the holidays, nobody talks about it, they just act like they know nothing).. so.. where does this help you?

first, let's talk about things romantically in the relationship.. If you're going to ask a guy (him) how he feels, what isn't right in the relationship.. (quite honestly; he won't know what to tell you.. because guys don't work that way).. he'll honestly try hard to tell you, but he won't be able to formalize it.. so instead.. he'll just resort to telling you (nothing, everything is fine).. or even worse! (because he can't formalize it.. he'll say something that really isn't wrong with the relationship, but just for the sake of expressing his frustration with some other aspect of the relationship).. so in short.. the approach of just asking him what's wrong.. is 99% of the time, the wrong way to go, and it'll only serve to complicate things..

so what to do then? ask his the same question.. without asking him.. what? lol.. let me explain.. if he's frustrated.. you can't really miss it if you're making an active effort.. he's going to give you male-hints.. which are like HUGE jumbo sized STOP signs in the middle of the highway.. watch some movies together.. movies with girls wearing attractive clothes.. then start to make comments.. "omg, what is she wearing!".. "do guys really like that?".. (don't say it like.. eww what a whore, that's so sleezy, do guys seriously like that cheap stuff?.. because he's going to get defensive and not give you an honest answer).. so.. the point is to have him open up.. without him opening up directly.. (an other way to do this is to play sex games; or write up temporary contracts that expire after a week or so).. why? well.. because if they expire after a week or 2 days.. it's short enough for him to REALLY express what he wants.. and that's really the point.. plus it's fun.. and liberating..

as far as sex.. like I said.. it's not so much the actual act of sex.. but the availability of it.. your desire for it..

if you never go next to him.. if you constantly reject him physically; if you are never flirty with him, if you just never actively tease/seduce him.. then you're making him feel like he has to put in this effort all the time to have to "convince" you to have sex.. which is not nice.. it's actually selfish.. because all you're doing is feeling like "oh, how nice, he starts sex all the time; he shows me that he wants me all the time".. but leaving him feeling like.. "have you ever though about her he might actually feel like?".. hmm.. think about it..

it's really important to keep a 50/50 balance on the times each one of you initiates sex.. and to never shut out routs that lead to sex..

but it doesn't sound to me like sex is the issue.. at least not IN THE BEDROOM.. you just need to be more indirect.. understand that he's not an emotional genius, and he's very primative at expressing emotions.. so asking him to flip open to his feelings on page 301, is like you're talking chinese to him.. he won't know what to say.. so don't take the approach.. allow him to feel comfortable talking about what he wants.. and just try listening.. listen.. actively.. with an open mind.. not too many guys have unreasonable requests..

hope this helps.. best of luck..

[celestina]

grk~
I understand what you are saying and I will try that. He has a week off work and I will see what I can do on his level. Would it be wrong to ask him what it is that he isn't liking in the relationship? ....I am really trying harder, Its hard for me not to mention that I know he talks to her but I don't bring her up anymore.
The thing about giving him stuff, thats just it I do give and give to him (even sexually) and I haven't recieved anything from him in return. And I am not talking about little things Theres a nice little price tag there. Including that I pay the cell phone bill that he uses and he does have a way better income than I do.

But I will take your advice into mind and try that over this xmas break and the future on and see if I can get back the relationship I once had.
Thank you for you advice.

Ummm.... No. It's not working out here.

You're trying too hard.

You're just trying too hard.

And you're giving him too much. And still wanting to give him too much! Men get sick of it... You buy him expensive gifts, spoil him with sexual favors, pay his phone bill when his income is greater (wtf?)... If he feels he already has everything from you, what else is left to want, but another person who will present more challenges?

I'm sorry to be so direct and I know how much this situation is hurting you but you mustn't be blinded by your love for him.

And at this point of your relationship, I don't think he deserves you spoiling him. Even if you're utterly tempted to shower him with affection & gifts, don't.

You absolutely don't need to be proving your love to him right now. In fact he already knows you're crazy about him, which is why he is allowing himself to act the way he does. He's not afraid of losing you.

There are ways to change this but unfortunately this is where I'm starting to need advice for myself too.

Please be brave.

[CAM]

Also when I tell him I love you he now replies with "somtimes, yeah yeah and once in a great while I love you too"

Please help! I am scared that I am losing him.
E~

No offense...but your BF sounds like a total prick.

[Stresscity]

Too all those how have replied~ Thank you so much. This has bee nreally helpful in many ways. I have taken a step back and looked at the many issues I have with myself and am going to work on them. This has also help keeping me from watching the cell phone minutes and other things that would drive a girl mad in her relationship.
As far as him..We actually got to lay in bed and talk for almost 3 hours it was so great I haven't had that in so long with him. We discuss many issues and never got upset with eachother. I still have my fears but realize that I keep holding on to what has occured in my past fearing in this situation. It is not healthy that I support him in many ways and give gifts, I am going to start preventing myself from doing it so much. I still have alot to work on with myself and will be sure to post on here more often. You all have great advice and tips and I have smiled or giggle when I have read a few. Thank you. This is a great forum and you all are wonderful, I just hope that I can return some advice like this to others that may need it.

[celestina]

Stresscity, I'm glad you're stressin' out a lot less

[wise25663]

He's so out of line it's not even funny! If you didn't have a child together, I'd say run! You defenitely have to confront him on this and come to a conclusion.

[GrkScorp]

This is a great forum and you all are wonderful, I just hope that I can return some advice like this to others that may need it.

thanks.. on behalf of all of us..

trust me.. if you've lived life.. i'm sure there are things you know, or unique angles by which you've experienced things to which users would find useful..

don't ever be hesitant to share any advice, opinions, or even your 2-cents on a question.. you'd be suprised how many people you could help out with the things you know and they're curious about.. plus.. if for nothing else.. there are always people on here who come on just to find someone to talk to.. or looking for words of comfort.. and I mean.. if you're a woman.. i'm sure you have compassionate genes somewhere deep inside you.. you can definitely do that! ; )

glad to see your outlook on things is better.. hope it all works out