Little ticked off at the ex (just a little ranting from me too)

[sfalexi]

youre spreading the household name of ALEXI!!!

Oh yeah . . .!

[squirrley]

have a great time tonight...

[Bonovox40]

Damnit! I just posted a giant chunk of rantings for Alexi and I lost it all at the "preview" post screen!

(I could retype it but dang, that was alot of info!) Basically, I had the almost EXACT same thing happen to me Alexi. Even the same pact if you can believe it. We were together over a year and she pulled the safety net on me and I was naive enough to accept it AND support her. She used me big time and I got hurt badly. I know it sounds like the reverse of what you feel like doing but i'd suggest walking away. I mean REALLY WALKING AWAY. Make sure she knows you're gone for good, not a "i need a week off to think about things" walk. I mean a "You obviously don't want to be with me because if you did, you wouldn't pull this indesisive crap and act like i'm someone who can be put on hold."

If she knows you can be gone from her life, she's going to weigh her options. 1. She feels something for you still romantically and want to make things work, thus getting back together.
2. She has fallen out of love and lets you go looking elsewhere for companionship.
3. She's afriad to lose you and makes up excuses for you NOT to go because she's afraid of being alone, thus attempting to use YOU as safety, instead of stepping up and facing life's challenges like an adult.

That's about the nitty gritty of it. Number 3 kinda sounds like a copout on he end wouldn't you say? Yet i've had it happen to me regardless of how many "I love you's" I heard.

You can do what you want or take or discard my opinions but there will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be someone out there who WANTS to love in the way you want to be loved. Don't accept something on a "when i'm ready, then maybe" basis. That's like buying a car and having the dealer give it to you AFTER you've paid for it and they're letting other people drive it in case someone has a better offer.

With the "Safety net" in effect (which it is) the person who decided on creating it is ALWAYS the winner because they are in control of the choices they have. She can stay or she can go, but she knows you are there no matter what and until that factor changes, she is in control. Women don't want a man who is wrapped around their finger, they want YOU to lead the relationship (which is a dominant man action) and now she is leading you. Is that really what you want. You say "WE agreed on this action and PACT." Of course you did. But is it what YOU want? Of course it isn't.
So stand up and let her know. You have to listen to your heart AND your head. Only obeying one or the other will get you hurt or leave you in a life of stagnation. Listen to that voice in you that is saying "This sucks! Why do I put up with this!" He's not telling you that to make you feel bad or glum, he's trying to HELP you out!


Ducky is absolutly right and I wouldn't be surprise if he's had a similar thing happen to him. (or knows first hand) Show her that you have a life outside of her. DON'T be calling her. Actually, let her do the calls. If she doesn't, then she doesn't care about you anymore. That's the cold hard truth. Stop thinking "Well, if I don't call she'll think i'm a jerk and won't call me because i'm being mean and not calling her."
Don't think that way, that's not how it works! If she loves you and you disappear out of her radar, she's going to be like "where is Alexi? I hope he's ok. Did I do something wrong? I miss him!"

If she does call you, let her know you're busy in some way. You have a date, you're going out to a club, something..anything that sounds fun! Let her know what a great time she's missing now that she's NOT you're gf anymore! DO NOT invite her to the activities you go on if she hints at it. If you do, you're just continuing the "JUST FRIENDS HANGING OUT TOGETHER" routine and she WILL see it that way. More of the "she's having her cake and eating it too." theory in effect. She needs to DESERVE that from you and she KNOWS what you want that will make her deserve it.

Don't settle for giving her what is special to you without her actually DESERVING it from a great guy like you. YOUR TIME AND LOVE!
You sound like a really nice, really caring/loving guy who gives more than gets. You sound alot like who I was a few years ago. I have some scars now and memories I wish I didn't have to have, but you live and learn and I know somethings that I wish I knew earlier. Just trying to pass on some pages of wisdom and let others make of it what they will.

Gook luck Alexi. Please keep us posted on what happens. No matter what, don't let ANYWAY give you that "I told you so" BS. You don't deserve that no matter what comes out of this. We all learn through our own paths in life. Mine doesn't have to be yours. Just some thoughts I wanted to share with you because you don't deserve to be caught in a net.

[sfalexi]

know it sounds like the reverse of what you feel like doing but i'd suggest walking away. I mean REALLY WALKING AWAY. Make sure she knows you're gone for good, not a "i need a week off to think about things" walk. I mean a "You obviously don't want to be with me because if you did, you wouldn't pull this indesisive crap and act like i'm someone who can be put on hold."

I don't know how much of the situation you know or what past posts you've read but let me just let you know how I plan on dealing with it. Right now I'm ok with it. I'm not really upset (because I was careful to make sure not to get TOO emotionally attached). Not to mention it's been about two and a half months so I can cope much easier with it. Also, I was the reason for the break. I kept putting more and more pressure on her and so it was sorta my fault. But I've told others that what I'm going to do is just go along with it until I no longer feel comfortable going along with it. If it really bothers me, I WILL walk away. Cause I know that there's no real reason for me to put myself in that sort of emotional distress. But for now we're still dating (each other as well as other people) and having good times. And I'm still getting my free haircuts! (she's a hairdresser) and have to get one in about an hour from now actually.

That's like buying a car and having the dealer give it to you AFTER you've paid for it and they're letting other people drive it in case someone has a better offer.

Very nice analogy. I like using analogies. Awesome.

Listen to that voice in you that is saying "This sucks! Why do I put up with this!" He's not telling you that to make you feel bad or glum, he's trying to HELP you out!

That's just the thing. The voice isn't crying out "this sucks", but rather something more along the lines of, "Well, it's not what I wanted, but it's allright for now." When it DOES get to the point where it sucks I will be sure to pull out of the deal once and for all.

Show her that you have a life outside of her. DON'T be calling her. Actually, let her do the calls. If she doesn't, then she doesn't care about you anymore. That's the cold hard truth. Stop thinking "Well, if I don't call she'll think i'm a jerk and won't call me because i'm being mean and not calling her."
Don't think that way, that's not how it works! If she loves you and you disappear out of her radar, she's going to be like "where is Alexi? I hope he's ok. Did I do something wrong? I miss him!"

Yup. I know that. She's the one that wanted the space so I'm allowing HER to choose how much space she needs. To be honest, I think I've only called her once in the past two months. The rest of the time she's been calling me to let me know that she wants to get together on the weekend or for whatever reason. I figure why should I call. She wanted space and if I call, I'm not giving that to her, am I? So every time we split I simply tell her to give me a call when she wants to hang out again. (for the record she calls me about twice a week or so. Down from every night when we were dating - for a goodnight)

If she does call you, let her know you're busy in some way. You have a date, you're going out to a club, something..anything that sounds fun! Let her know what a great time she's missing now that she's NOT you're gf anymore!

I tell her all the time that I went to the bar with this person or that person. Precisely for that reason.

DO NOT invite her to the activities you go on if she hints at it. If you do, you're just continuing the "JUST FRIENDS HANGING OUT TOGETHER" routine and she WILL see it that way.

Well the pact was to still date each other so I do invite her here and there. Double dates, just her and I, stuff like that.

On a sidenote, as a math major, that signature line of yours is AWESOME! Cracked me up!

Alexi

[Bonovox40]

I don't know how much of the situation you know or what past posts you've read but let me just let you know how I plan on dealing with it. Right now I'm ok with it. I'm not really upset (because I was careful to make sure not to get TOO emotionally attached). Not to mention it's been about two and a half months so I can cope much easier with it.

That's good, i'm glad you feel that way. At least you've PREPARED yourself for options, either way this goes. (unlike myself who was trying to patch the whole mess up, but of course I was the only one working to save something)

She's the one that wanted the space so I'm allowing HER to choose how much space she needs. To be honest, I think I've only called her once in the past two months. The rest of the time she's been calling me to let me know that she wants to get together on the weekend or for whatever reason. I figure why should I call. She wanted space and if I call, I'm not giving that to her, am I? So every time we split I simply tell her to give me a call when she wants to hang out again. (for the record she calls me about twice a week or so. Down from every night when we were dating - for a goodnight)I tell her all the time that I went to the bar with this person or that person. Precisely for that reason.Well the pact was to still date each other so I do invite her here and there. Double dates, just her and I, stuff like that.

That's great with the phone calls. I would've done this earlier myself if I knew the power that less is more sometimes. We were around each other during the break so much that I was more "friend" then potential romantic interest again.

If you DID happen to meet someone who just felt like they'd be a great person to get to know on a serious dating level, (romance/physical/emotional) would you date that person or wait for the pact to be dissolved/tell her you're starting with someone else/etc ? Just curious because sometimes people just happen to fall into your life unexpected.

[sfalexi]

If you DID happen to meet someone who just felt like they'd be a great person to get to know on a serious dating level, (romance/physical/emotional) would you date that person or wait for the pact to be dissolved/tell her you're starting with someone else/etc ? Just curious because sometimes people just happen to fall into your life unexpected.

We discussed this during the breakup as well. We came to the conclusion that we will both be 'allowed' to date other people if we want. So if someone comes up in her life that interests her and asks her out she's free to go out with him. This is ok with me because we also came up with a stipulation. Should a dating relatoinship between me and some girl or her and some guy become serious (to the point where we would want them to be our steady boyfriend/girlfriend), we have to call the other person and let them know that they've found someone.

So if she finds a guy that she wants to call her boyfriend or wants to fool around with (ANYTHING beyond kissing), she has to call me and let me know not to wait around because there's someone else seriously in the picture. Same thing with me to her.

Alexi

[Bonovox40]

So if she finds a guy that she wants to call her boyfriend or wants to fool around with (ANYTHING beyond kissing), she has to call me and let me know not to wait around because there's someone else seriously in the picture. Same thing with me to her.

I just hope she sticks by her guns. My ex found it more convienient to keep her little sexcapedes a secret from me and hoped I would move on before finding out which didn't happen. She wasn't about to let a pact stand in her way of fooling around. When I asked her why she kept it a secret and was f'n someone else without telling me, she did the "I didn't want to hurt your feelings." Yeah, like it was so much more uplifting to find out through my own methods that you've been banging your ex while I still believed you were living with respect to the pact we made. Right.

Hope she isn't as deceitful as mine was.