Help me guys please. I want to know what he meant

[IndiReloaded]

I doubt that this other guy is the only issue in their marriage. Nothing happens in a vacuum.

I'm betting her husband is emotionally distant somehow. That's usually the case for situations like this. And what's the deal with the big age gap for your kids, OP? Are they both yours & his, or from a previous relationship?

At first, I read the husband as an ass wanting to have relationships outside the marriage, but that's not the case. He actually sounds like a reasonable guy based on the info so far.

[Cain]

It seems as if he just said things in the heat of the moment. He caught her lying and it bothered him. Same kinda thing that Giga was involved in.

He'll get over it. Honestly though, you might want to stop talking to the friends that have feelings for you.

[vashti]

He actually sounds like a reasonable guy based on the info so far.

Yeah, that's the way I am reading it, assuming it was only this one guy he was having an issue with, and this is not a pattern of serial jealousy.

[lesa]

Sorry, but I disagree with this advice. And, for the record, I'm a married woman, been with my husband almost 20 years.

This advice is tantamount to rolling over & showing him your belly. Whatever little respect he has for you will be destroyed by this. If your husband had any decency, he would not be staying married to do the things he wants. People divorce and raise children successfully. Lots of them.

I do think you should be working on your own self-improvement, but that's something you should always be doing. It sounds like going to school is a step in the right direction for that.

EDIT: And if you're serious about working things out w/your hubby, you might want to start by apologizing to him about your relationship with this other guy. Whatever your issues in your marriage, whatever this other guy feeds you that might be missing in your marriage, you are still an attention whore for letting it carry on when your husband made it clear it bothered him. Lying about it was a foolish thing to do & very disrespectful to your husband & your marriage.

Grow up & fix the problems in your relationship. Or get out. Its possible your husband has just given up on you in this regard & might be willing to try if you show some sincere maturity about this.

Although I gave that advice and am contradicting myself a little, I agree that I would not live in the same household...That is definitely showing little respect for yourself.

In fact I would not contact him at all and end all communication with him except for communication involving the children. If I really want him back I would still do those steps for my sake but I would not communicate or live with him.

If he does date others, the relationship will not be the same when you two reunite but if you really want each other sometimes this can make it better and stronger because of perservance.

[Cain]

Although I gave that advice and am contradicting myself a little, I agree that I would not live in the same household...That is definitely showing little respect for yourself.

In fact I would not contact him at all and end all communication with him except for communication involving the children. If I really want him back I would still do those steps for my sake but I would not communicate or live with him.

If he does date others, the relationship will not be the same when you two reunite but if you really want each other sometimes this can make it better and stronger because of perservance.

I don't see it going that far. It just needs time to blow over.

[balancedchick]

Okay then.. if that's the case then I'll just stop talking to all my guy friends...

IndiReloaded, does it matter how far apart our kid's ages are? does it really matter? but if you wanna kno, the 14 yrs old girl is mine and no its not from a previous relationship or marriage. It's from a rape when I was 16 yrs old. Yeah ****ing sad I know but i've dealt with that situation and i can talk about it without getting nightmares and shit..
Attention whore huh? the only thing that sergeant was feeding me is how his wife and kids are doing. He dont talk about anything at all beside that and asked how my husband and kids are doing.
He dont need to be reasonable to me. All i want from him is to ****ing let me go if hes serious about us being over. Like i said, i love him so if there's a slight chance that our relationship can be save, I'm all up for it.. I will do anything i can do save it but only if there's something left to save.

just so you guys know, he is the jealous type. i know him. but i love him and i've always been willing to look past his negative sides.. After all, isnt that's what love is about? accepting who you love for who she/he is?

[Cain]

Every single one of your guy friends has professed romantic feelings for you?

[lesa]

Well I really think you two have an advantage living together. B,ut be emotionally unavailable for now. Yes, living together can seem quite disrepecting toward self. It is difficult to give good advice without me contradicting myself, lol. If you really want him back then this may be best for now...if he does not cool down then living apart may be necessary to rebuild that loving feeling.

He is the jealous type so that is going to be a major issue in the future but right now him seeing you improve yourself and your kindness toward him will be your advantage.

Good luck.

[balancedchick]

No cain.. LOL.. not at all. I'm just saying since he always used to give me the third degree when one of my friends call me so I'm just saying mabye he'll be happy if I drop all my guy friends. It's just so unfair when he know's that I have more guy friends then I have gal friends. And he knew and still knows that I have never once gave him a chance to even be suspicious about me and all..

your right lesa and thank you. i think that's the best thing I need to do is to move out of this house. we're getting ready for our move to Alabama. Do you guys think it's a good idea to move there with him? I mean I really hate for him to get separated from our kids. It wont be fair to the kids and him. BUt I think I'll still find a place a my own but close by enough so he can get the kids whenever he wants..

[IndiReloaded]

IndiReloaded, does it matter how far apart our kid's ages are? does it really matter? but if you wanna kno, the 14 yrs old girl is mine and no its not from a previous relationship or marriage. It's from a rape when I was 16 yrs old.

The difference in your children's age is atypical for a relationship, which is the only reason I asked. I'm sorry for you that your first child happened under those circumstances. But yes, it can affect some guys feelings about the children if they aren't theirs, or if the father of the other child is in the picture, it can contribute to stress in a relationship.

Attention whore huh? the only thing that sergeant was feeding me is how his wife and kids are doing. He dont talk about anything at all beside that and asked how my husband and kids are doing.

Yes, that's what it seems like you are. And this comment^ isn't consistent with what you posted earlier, which is that this other fellow had feelings for you & your husband also told you so. You also said you lied to him about your contact with this fellow. I can't think of any reason for you to do so except you felt you had something to hide in this regard. Bad place to be in a marriage.

Also, you mention in another thread you are a stay at home mom, and you are a student in this one. You claim financial independence, but in a way that seems rather defensive to me. Sorry, but something about how you describe your role in this situation seems inconsistent.

Sounds like the two of you have several issues to resolve. You'll need to do this for your kids sake, whether you stay married or not. My final advice to you is to get to a marriage counsellor asap. Good luck.

[lesa]

I, too, noticed in the other thread that you are not financially independent perhaps?

You two are not married so it will be easier for him to not work on the couple aspect of the relationship but there will always be communicaton because of the children and that gives you chance.

[IndiReloaded]

They aren't married even? Ah, I read the 'proposed' part and that they had a kid and just assumed... good catch Lesa.

She'll be lucky at this point if he still wants to make a go of it. Ouch.

[vashti]

Okay then.. if that's the case then I'll just stop talking to all my guy friends...

just so you guys know, he is the jealous type. i know him. but i love him and i've always been willing to look past his negative sides.. After all, isnt that's what love is about? accepting who you love for who she/he is?

Part of knowing and accepting that he is the jealous type is understanding that relationships with other males will be problematic. If you want to keep him, you'd better start acting as though you understand this, which means OF COURSE you shouldn't be talking with males that have had crushes on you.

[balancedchick]

They aren't married even? Ah, I read the 'proposed' part and that they had a kid and just assumed... good catch Lesa.

She'll be lucky at this point if he still wants to make a go of it. Ouch.

You have the tendency to do that IndiReloaded. It seems to me that yuu read a post and just take out what you want to out of it and use that to attact the person who owns the post. I wanna thank you tho for taking the time to read on and comment, I really do. You're right, I will be lucky if he still wants to make a go of this. I accept full blame of our relationship going sour. But if it dont work, atleast I can say that I tried.

And yes! I am a student and stay at home mom. is that impossible? have you ever heard of on line classes? I am what I said. I stayed home because one of us had to get out of the military service when we had our boy. I just happened to be the one who got out. but oh well, that dont matter cuz I enjoy being with my kids, watching them grow in front of my eyes rather than in pictures.

which of what I said sounds inconsistent to you? from the moment you enter in here you have done nothing but attact me with harsh words and name calling. Like you just automatically knows about our life and what kind of person I was to my fiance or ex-fiance..
Okay, so you are married for 20 years.. whoopdifreakindoo for you. I came here for advice. If you want to give me advice, i'll be happy to listen but please do try to refrain yourself from name calling.
And just so you know about our kids.. yes both our kids. They have been both our kids from the moment we enter this relationship. He knew everything about me and our daughter and he never once treated her like she wasnt his at all. I wont be having this discussion at ALL if I even suspect that it's our daughter. Shoot, I do LOVE him but I will never ever choose him over our kid(my daughter as you so love to point out)..

[IndiReloaded]

You have the tendency to do that IndiReloaded. It seems to me that yuu read a post and just take out what you want to out of it and use that to attact the person who owns the post. I wanna thank you tho for taking the time to read on and comment, I really do. You're right, I will be lucky if he still wants to make a go of this. I accept full blame of our relationship going sour. But if it dont work, atleast I can say that I tried.

Yes, you should thank me & others for taking the time to read your post. And yes, I DO read quickly. Its what I do for a living. I'm pretty sure other than that comment, I got your number, newbie. LOL. Thats what is making you so uncomfortable, I know.

Try to remember I'm not the one with the problems communicating with my not-husband, dear, that would be you. I can see why you have problems, tho. You DO have a consistency problem & you're extraordinarily defensive, to boot.

Anyway, carry on.