How to get out...?

[lastwish]

god, why is it that the person who is going to "get dumped" is always the victim, and the one who wants to change the situation is always the bad guy. in a relationship everyone has their faults, believe me.

this post was in reference to what lastwish wrote, mostly.

Yes. Everyone has their faults but in a long term relationship, I would expect that both sides would have enough faith in the relationship and with each other that they can work things out.

In your case, it would be best if you break it off with him because you are not in the mindframe to commit to any relationships anyway since you've said that you want to concentrate on your career.

I would think a someone who has spent 4 years in a relationship would be in a mindset for committment. If one isn't in the mindframe to commit or doesn't feel that the relationship had much chemistry in the first place, then one shouldn't have spent 4 years wasting their live and their partner's live, money, and energy.

[vashti]

Vash, this is not the reason. The reason is the same as the one you believe in. It's the one similar to the way you described love a couple of days ago. It has less to do with the feeling itself and more to do with commtiment to the person after infatuation wears out. And as you know, infatuation always runs out it's what happens after that which decides the quality of the relationship.

I will post your quote here because I really like the way you put it

Don't you understand? The infatuation is over, and there is no remaining sense of attachment on her part. It's over. He was unlucky.

You are trying to make her feel guilty for not trying to force a fit. Above all, I think it is dumb to try to force a fit. Life is too short to be stuck in a relationship you aren't satisfied with before you marry.

[vashti]

Yes. Everyone has their faults but in a long term relationship, I would expect that both sides would have enough faith in the relationship and with each other that they can work things out.

In your case, it would be best if you break it off with him because you are not in the mindframe to commit to any relationships anyway since you've said that you want to concentrate on your career.

I would think a someone who has spent 4 years in a relationship would be in a mindset for committment. If one isn't in the mindframe to commit or doesn't feel that the relationship had much chemistry in the first place, then one shouldn't have spent 4 years wasting their live and their partner's live, money, and energy.

Are you guys kidding me? Just because you date someone, you really think you owe the rest of your life to them? Please. That is just silly.

[Mish]

Don't you understand? The infatuation is over, and there is no remaining sense of attachment on her part. It's over. He was unlucky.

You're right I don't understand. If true love is what is left when infatuation dies down, then how will she ever be able to be attached if all she is after is infatuation?

There's nothing wrong with only ever wanting to just be infatuated. But people who only want just that have to accept that there are certain things in life they will have to do without. That's all I was saying.

[lastwish]

Don't you understand? The infatuation is over, and there is no remaining sense of attachment on her part. It's over. He was unlucky.

You are trying to make her feel guilty for not trying to force a fit. Above all, I think it is dumb to try to force a fit. Life is too short to be stuck in a relationship you aren't satisfied with before you marry.

We're not asking anyone to force a fit. The point is that the mindset for faith and committment is important. And whats with the personal attacks?

Are you guys kidding me? Just because you date someone, you really think you owe the rest of your life to them? Please. That is just silly.

No, I never said that nor did i even suggest that. Its not about oweing anyone your life. However, there are a certain degree of respect that one do owe to their partners. Even if one is not married, when they are in a relationship especially a long term one there are certain responsibilities that each partner owe to another. That is kindness, respect and honesty. Which means that each partner wouldn't spend 4 years in a relationship knowing there was never much chemistry or that they don't feel a sense of committment to the relationship.

[Mish]

Are you guys kidding me? Just because you date someone, you really think you owe the rest of your life to them? Please. That is just silly.

I think if a 4 year relationship can be classified as just dating, then marriage can be classified as just dating as well. It's not always the case, but in long term relationships there is often an expectation that it's heading off in the direction of having a family.

[Cain]

I'm glad you're finally breaking it off with this guy since you've admitted to cheating on him and not telling him. I wish, however, that you would have broken up with him when you first realized this wasn't going to work so that you could save him a lot more heartache.

[IndiReloaded]

Mish, consider this thread is restimulating certain events of your own.

Twisted, I agree with Vash. I actually am very impressed that you are being honest with yourself that your relationship isn't working for you & that you care enough to want to find the kindest way to end things with your partner.

If you are SURE this is what you want (which is, I think, Mish's point--make sure before you walk thru that one-way door), then there is no way to avoid hurting your partner. As a friend of mine once said: the one doing the breaking needs to be the strong one & suck things up.

That means taking SOME amount of flack from him over this. Don't be a doormat, tho. There are needs that weren't being met for you in this relationship & you are entitled to seek elsewhere for them.

Whether you want to share these unmet needs with him (for his future benefit with the next girl) is up to you. I would make this decision based on whether I thought it was something he could reasonably work on. (i.e. if I decided he was butt ugly/unattractive, I would probably keep that to myself).

As to how, others will have their opinions, but I always found that in person, in a private, yet public place is best. Phone is a faaar second best. In terms of what to say, there's no easy way. But being calm & honest, and letting him vent his feelings (not to excess) is appropriate. Saying 'thank you' for his time you spent together & telling him you are sorry that things didn't work out, is also appropriate.

Be kind, yet firm. Let him keep his dignity while keeping yours. A breakup ISN'T the end of the world & you did spend some good times together.

[IndiReloaded]

I think if a 4 year relationship can be classified as just dating, then marriage can be classified as just dating as well.

Mish, its not the same. I've been in both. Its just...not the same. Marriage involves a commitment that even LTRs don't have (unless you have a commitment ceremony or a child or buy a house together or something similar). Okay?

[Cain]

I think breaking up over the phone is a weak ass way to break up a relationship. If you're going to break up, at least have the courtesy to do it in person.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm glad you're finally breaking it off with this guy since you've admitted to cheating on him and not telling him.

LOL! I hadn't realized this was the same gal.

My post still stands tho. Of course, I could add that she *could* just decide to tell him she cheated & he should count his lucky stars she's leaving. At least then he would have justifiable anger to keep him going. (DON'T do this! It will only serve to hurt him. In this case, ignorance is bliss--have you been checked for STDs, tho?)

Twisted, seriously, you should just do a clean break & say the old (but true in this case) "Its just not working for me. The issues are mine, you are a great guy. Just not the guy for me."

Good luck.

[lesa]

Question: In terms of committment, intimacy, and passion, what is the difference between a 20 year long-term relationship and a 20 year marriage?

Dating is totally different from a committed relationship and does not mean you are in a committed relationship.

[IndiReloaded]

There is a mutual AGREEMENT of long term commitment. There was no such agreement in this case. You can't assume things like this.

Living in a house for 8 years doesn't make you the owner.

[Cain]

LOL! I hadn't realized this was the same gal.

My post still stands tho. Of course, I could add that she *could* just decide to tell him she cheated & he should count his lucky stars she's leaving. At least then he would have justifiable anger to keep him going. (DON'T do this! It will only serve to hurt him. In this case, ignorance is bliss--have you been checked for STDs, tho?)

Twisted, seriously, you should just do a clean break & say the old (but true in this case) "Its just not working for me. The issues are mine, you are a great guy. Just not the guy for me."

Good luck.

I honestly think he has a reason to know. Though it might hurt immediately to know that she cheated and didn't tell him, it'll help him get over it a lot quicker when he starts getting angrier and letting that overtake his sadness. He deserves to know. I'd want to know.

I think it's bullshit that you strung him along for as long as you did since you DID cheat in the past and you said the reasons for cheating are because you're missing something in your relationship. You knew it wasn't going to last but you kept it going.

I'm glad you're finally leaving now and I will give you credit for that, but be more aware next time.

[lesa]

Twisted, seriously, you should just do a clean break & say the old (but true in this case) "Its just not working for me. The issues are mine, you are a great guy. Just not the guy for me."

I think what Twisted has concluded for herself is that he nor any guy is for her. She does not ever want to be in a committed relationship and that is okay. Just make that very clear Twisted when you date or enter short-term relationship and things will go much more smoothly.