Advice for cheating spouse

[piratewench]

Oh and i have no feelings for my friend. I actually remember thinking at the time that he was my boyfriend and was confused, then horrified afterward. My friend and i have discussed things since then and we are both very sorry and regretful. I just don't know what i can do or say to help the situation. I want to save our relationship because i really do love him. I just don't know what to do.

[miSSleepy]

I think you're walking on thin ice then... although what you did, isn't making out in my opinion

[Pears]

Don't do it again.

The following is advice for when you were with your boyfriend:

I think you were expecting your boyfriend to visit you and call you - be your "Prince Charming". Most guys aren't like that, unfortunately. They do not like being expected to live up to the standards of fairy tale characters. It puts pressure on them. You wanted to see him and spend time with him, which is normal. It's your way of keeping a relationship alive. Maybe he doesn't think the same way. Maybe he still loves you but doesn't need the constant attention or communication to be validated.

I can understand why you felt that your boyfriend seemed like he didn't care as much as you did. It could be misunderstanding. Try to work something out. If you're the one that wants to talk to him, expect that you'll be doing most of the talking. Try not to make him stay on the phone for longer than he wants because it may only make him more annoyed and not want to talk on the phone again for a while. If you want to see him, make a trip to his place. It's okay to be the one who takes initiative if you know that he loves you.

Moving on...
You can try to repair this relationship, but he'd have to be very trusting to forgive you. He'd have to fully believe that you actually had no feelings for your friend. It would be tough.

If this doesn't work out, take it as a lesson learned.

[Gribble]

If there was no way your boyfriend could have possibly found out you should have kept it to yourself. Assuming this was an isolated incident, a single error in judgment never to be repeated again, nothing good could possibly have come from your confession. Telling him served only to hurt him.

Keep that in mind. The righteous thing to do isn't always the right thing to do.

You must not have any insecurities...

No. I just really don't care. Diseases are always a concern, but I try only to date intelligent women with an abundance of self respect. To me sex is ridiculously insignificant. There are concerns associated with it, but aside from pregnancy and VD sex is a lot like a massage. Just something that feels good. Anything more is pure bullshit.

[starbuck]

We all make mistakes, so don't beat yourself up over it. At least you didn't let it get any further. I would take this opportunity to ask yourself why you let this happen. Was it really a drunken mistake or was it acting out from resentment at your bf for not coming to visit you? And I sense some resentment towards him from your second post.

Either way, give him some time. He might be angry at you for a while. You betrayed his trust in you, so give him a break if he doesn't come around right away. My advice is to not do anything. You apologized and told him it wouldn't happen again, right? The ball is now in his court. Just make sure you don't blame him for your mistake.

[shh!]

I have to agree with the people who feel your B/F is rightly hurt and angry, and I wouldn't be surprised if he calls it quits. Whether silly or not, most males are very territorial and would not tolerate this kind of behavior. I also agree with Gribble that you should have kept this incident to yourself if you were sure it wasn't going to happen again. You made your guilt HIS problem... big mistake.

[Cain]

Gribble, I'm having a hard time understanding how you could be fine with your gf having sex with another man. You say the only thing that would for sure get to you is her loving another man. You wouldn't break up with her if she had sex with other men while with you?...

I'll go ahead and speak on my opinion a little more, as it kind of agrees with LW. If I was dating a girl for a short time, I wouldn't even consider being with her past this incident. If we were together for a few years, then I might let it go. I'm trying to think of how I'd react in my current relationship and it's hard. I'm absolutely in love with my gf, but I have a hard time thinking I wouldn't break it off simply because in the back of my mind I'd wonder if she was doing it again or if it had ever gone farther. The trust wouldn't be there and I think trust is one of the most important things in any relationship.

Cheating, to me, is physical. Though, I admit that cheating can also be emotional. Physical cheating includes kissing in my opinion. If you don't consider it cheating, you can't be mad if your gf kisses other guys when she feels like it. That's not the kind of relationship I want to be in. Likewise, I have a hard time trusting women completely and because of that, I've never stayed in a relationship very long. It wasn't until I met my current girlfriend that I finally gave full trust to because she just isn't that kind of girl, so I agree with what Gribble says about finding a girl that won't do these kinds of things.

OP, your bf has every right to be mad. Even if I was going to take my gf back, it'd be AT LEAST a week before I talked to her again. I'd need time to cool off. Also, I think your male friend is a pig for doing it in the first place, and if I were your bf and I did take you back, you would never be allowed to speak to that friend again. Not because I'd want to control you, but because he obviously doesn't have respect for your relationship because he knew you were in one and kissed you anyways.

[Gigabitch]

Piratewench, it sounds like all you've done is confess and ask for forgiveness. Have you really conveyed how appalled you are with yourself? have you made any effort to show him that this would never, ever happen again?

Some guys might be willing to give you a second chance, but only if you show you really want it. So he doesn't want to talk to you- tell mutual friends that this thing is ripping you to shreds and let him hear about it. Write him the most heartfelt letter ever written in the history of cheating girlfriends and read it out loud to him at three in the morning under his window or something. Take charge!

At least you'll have tried. Hopefully you have a nicer boyfriend than I would be in his place. If my man made out with someone else, I'd drop him like a hot rock.

[1averagejoe]

Well now that you've explained the situation a little better. I think you are deserving of a chance. But the problem is, he probably is going to have trouble trusting you and believing that you didn't have feelings for this guy.

Honestly, if you were my girlfriend you'd be gone. I won't tolerate any cheating. Even if you won't do it again and you don't have feelings for the guy. How can you prove that to me? If it's something you wouldn't do in front of me, it's cheating.

You screwed up, this whole situation is in his hands now. I honestly hope you learned your lesson though, because it really sucks to be on the receiving end of it all. Your boyfriend is probably going through hell right now. It's sad, but you more than likely threw your relationship with this guy away.

Take this as a lesson, never cheat again, and stop drinking, you clearly aren't capable of controlling yourself when you're drunk.

[Gigabitch]

... and stop drinking, you clearly aren't capable of controlling yourself when you're drunk.

Yeah, what he said. Being drunk is no excuse, and if you use it as one, you get your boozebag card taken away.

[Gribble]

Put it to you this way, Cain, the only girl I've ever actively dated longer than a month was polyamorous. I really, truly just do not care.

[anachronistic]

Write him the most heartfelt letter ever written in the history of cheating girlfriends and read it out loud to him at three in the morning under his window or something.

Aww that would be so cute

[Mish]

This song comes to mind

It's a question of lust
It's a question of trust
It's a question of not
letting what we've built up crumble to dust
It's all of these things and more, that keep us together

[ame="http://youtube.com/watch?v=lvGzKjVS044&feature=related"]http://youtube.com/watch?v=lvGzKjVS044&feature=related[/ame]

It's question of trust for him. He needs to think if he can trust you. Whether you are worthy of trust is not the question, it's whether he thinks you are worthy of his trust that will matter. You guys had been having problems, that will probably add weight to his decision. I'm not sure what you can do to help piratewench. Can you chase away all his fears and make him trust? If not, the little acts of kindness, never hurt anyone.

[1averagejoe]

Write him the most heartfelt letter ever written in the history of cheating girlfriends and read it out loud to him at three in the morning under his window or something. Take charge!

If I wanted time to myself and she showed up to my window reading out loud at three in the freaking morning I would be f'n pissed. I'd probably open my window, say stfu and if she didn't leave, threaten to call the cops for disturbance of peace.

I take the little amount of sleep I get seriously. My phone is off when I go to sleep for a reason. If I ain't picking it up, what makes you think I'll want you over at my house where I can't ignore you?

Hey but that's just me. Some guys would find it sweet that she went out of her wait at such an hour to read something like that. It does show that she's trying...but it could be taken that she's desperate.