Going home

[Charlie Boy II]

Mishanya I don't know why you get so threatened by what I've done or you're so intent on trying to convince me it was the wrong thing to do. Of course there was an element of risk, but like I said before I left: I knew in my gut we'd survive and finish up stronger and we have. I know it contradicts the way you believe relationships should work, but those are your beliefs. I'm not constrained by them.

[Mish]

CB, rest asssured I'm not threatened by what you've done, what you've done doesn't affect me. I'm just pointing out the obvious, in the same line as Giga. I'm glad that the two of you are getting back together.

It's interesting that you paid attention to the part of my post with difference in opinion skipping over my wishes of good will for the two of you. Quick defensive maneuvers my friend.

[Charlie Boy II]

It's interesting that you paid attention to the part of my post with difference in opinion skipping over my wishes of good will for the two of you. Quick defensive maneuvers my friend.

I skipped over your "wishes of good will" because I don't think they're genuine. Your post was really just more passive-aggressive finger wagging. As usual you're pushing your own moral agenda. Giga on the other hand, I think, had a genuine concern. That's why my response was so different.

[Mish]

I didn't mean to offend

[Junket]

F*ck'em Charlieboy, whether Mish would agree with you or not, he would take up devil's advocate, anyway.

[IndiReloaded]

For both of us, they've just made us more certain that we're getting back together because that's exactly where we want to be. Every couple should do it haha. A sort of relationship sabbatical.

I may have mentioned this CB, but my husband & I were separated for almost a year when we were young and dating. We made the agreement that if either of us were interested in seeing someone else while apart, that would be okay provided we informed the other person.

Not quite the same situation as yours, but I agree that a couple who can survive the distance apart is much more likely to make it for the long haul, simply b/c you ARE choosing to come back together when you didn't necessarily need to.

I'm sure you are both wiser for the experience. Good for you & good luck for the future.

[IndiReloaded]

"oh my god, oh my god, don't say any more I don't want to hear it."
"alright, alright."
Do you want me to tell what what I've been doing?"
"No!"

Just to reiterate Giga's point, the fact she said this means that there could have been an issue here. Good thing you communicated w/her, CB.

You almost made the classic relationship mistake, which is assuming that YOUR opinion about something is the same as your partner's. Best to avoid these potential sink holes & just outright ask.

[Charlie Boy II]

Really? I thought our conversation just confirmed that we both had the same thing in mind. Maybe I didn't make it clear in the dialogue I relayed, but she did say she fully expected I didn't just hold hands with these girls. She knew there would have been more to it. Just like I'm sure there might have been more than hand-holding with the guys she's dated. And before we left we did say that unless we had outright sex we'd spare each other the details.

Frankly if she started to outline which specific acts she engaged in and with who, I cut her off with a few "oh my god's" as well.

[IndiReloaded]

Yes, you are all square NOW, IMO. What I'm saying, based on her response, is that you might not have been IF you hadn't mentioned it. The reason she said that is b/c she doesn't want to know details, true, but you can be assured that she will be glad you fessed up.

Its a strange thing, CB. Somewhat alien to the male brain, but basically it boils down to women wanting to know they had the OPTION of finding out all the gory details, even if they choose not to. Its the choice part that is key. You let *her* set the level of deciding how much she wanted to know, rather than just assuming she didn't. It gives her a sense of control over the communication process.

Hope that clears things up a bit more. Its a male vs. female wiring issue.

[bluesummer]

I'm glad you guys have an understanding about this. You seem like you've both got a pretty good head on your shoulders. You'll be just fine.

Like Mish said though, I don't recommend it for other couples. I'm not sure the relationship could handle it.

[Gigabitch]

It's always better to err on the side of over-communicating. I'm proud of you, Charlie, and I've always cited your relationship with Kristin as an example of sanity and mutual respect.

[Charlie Boy II]

I wasn't really being serious when I said every relationship should do something similar. Although for people that find a potential life-partner early in life, it's not such a bad idea. Otherwise it might be very limiting. If Kristin and I stay together over the next few years it's almost certain she'll turn around and do the same thing back to me. She wants to live overseas for at least a year, while I probably won't be in a position to do that at that stage. I like being in a relationship that has enough "give" that we can do that sort of stuff, without it breaking. So does she. To be honest I don't think relationships should come first in your 20s. They are shaky investments. But I am not a romantic, at least not in the sense of many others on the board, and I accept that their opinions will differ.

Ha! and I respect Kristin because she behaves in a way that warrants it and she wouldn't tolerate anyone else. She is very special.

[shh!]

Oh my god! I am so excited for you to go home and see her, CB!

I will play the devil's advocate and say that I never would have suggested you mention anything at all about your messing around in Europe... you didn't fcuk anyone, and wouldn't have violated your agreement had you not said anything. I never had the impression that Kirsten is an idiot who can't see that you are also attractive and would have plenty of opportunity, and besides,you were technically broken up. Anyway, I'm glad Kirsten is a sensible girl and told you to keep your mouth shut, and I am really glad it all worked out okay. I would never mention it again, even if she asks.

For the record, I TOLD you she'd wait.

EDIT: PS - I wouldn't advise keeping in touch with the Brazilian girl. She wasn't as pretty as Kristen, anyway.

[Charlie Boy II]

thanks Vashti. Actually, I wasn't going to say anything because I knew it would provoke a torrent of rebutals from the "pro-inform" corner, but I'm not sure I should have said anything either. The impression I got from Kristin was that she already had a realistic idea of what had gone on but, as might be expected, didn't care to hear about it. That's how I am too. I mean she was okay, we actually had a really nice conversation afterwards about the reason why neither of us had moved on, but I still hung up feeling far from convinced I shouldn't have just kept my mouth shut. Anyway, I'm calling her in like 10 minutes so we'll see if there's any fallout.

Anyway thanks Vashti, for everything. You've been my chief advisor through all of this.

Edit: It's funny you should say that, the Brazilian was in London for a few days just a little while ago and wanted to meet up, but I wasn't even tempted. Frankly by the time I put her on the plane back to Sao Paulo I'd had enough.

[shh!]

Well, I wish you hadn't said anything, but I admit that I may be atypical in that respect. I wouldn't ask, and I wouldn't want you to tell me.

She's waited this long for you, and my guess is she will probably be okay since she's waited so long for you. It may come up again in a couple weeks/months... after she gets over missing you, you know? I would avoid any detail, and tell her that you just couldn't stop thinking about her.

Just be sure those girls aren't going to be calling you, or Kristen will rip your eyes out while you are sleeping.

EDIT: If pressed up against the wall, I wouldn't tell Kristen about your thing with the Brazilian girl. She will be able to take it better if she doesn't think there was any particular girl you connected with. Maybe you can just tell her you paid some skanky prostitute for a blow job, and you kept your eyes closed the whole time and wore a condom. (haha)