I'm getting fed up of this feeling...

[CompletePimp]

It's quite easy to talk down on something you know nothing about. You just have yet to experience what it's like to be in love. What it's like to know that you are making someone else happy just because you are you. That they miss you, want to hold and kiss you. That they find you irrisitabley sexy and want to just give it to you lol. All this you know nothing of, till you have it. Love will give you the greatest highs and the greatest lows in your life. Meanwhile I guess you can Life free, die hard LOLZ

[Desdemona]

It's quite easy to talk down on something you know nothing about. You just have yet to experience what it's like to be in love. What it's like to know that you are making someone else happy just because you are you. That they miss you, want to hold and kiss you. That they find you irrisitabley sexy and want to just give it to you lol. All this you know nothing of, till you have it. Love will give you the greatest highs and the greatest lows in your life. Meanwhile I guess you can Life free, die hard LOLZ

Since when did I "talk down" about it? Also, even if I have never had a relationship, doesn't mean I don't know anything about feeling love for somebody, thankyou very much. It just means that I have not yet experienced how love can grow in a relationship, not that I know nothing about love.

Oh, I'm sorry, the point of your post was?

[Gribble]

You're plenty attractive. Maybe you just aren't a very warm person, y'know? Maybe you need to work on smiling more and making guys feel comfortable so they'll be more inclined to flirt.

I really can't imagine why else you wouldn't have guys asking you out now and then. Are you arrogant? Of course you probably don't think you are, but has anyone ever described you as arrogant? I can't imagine that intelligence would drive men off unless you're kind of an a-hole about it. Sure, it might discourage idiots looking for a naive chick to use and discard, but that's not what you want. Intellect ought to attract intellect.

[Desdemona]

You're plenty attractive. Maybe you just aren't a very warm person, y'know? Maybe you need to work on smiling more and making guys feel comfortable so they'll be more inclined to flirt.

I really can't imagine why else you wouldn't have guys asking you out now and then. Are you arrogant? Of course you probably don't think you are, but has anyone ever described you as arrogant? I can't imagine that intelligence would drive men off unless you're kind of an a-hole about it. Sure, it might discourage idiots looking for a naive chick to use and discard, but that's not what you want. Intellect ought to attract intellect.

Actually, people tend to say that me being not arrogant and down to earth as one of my main characteristics, as well as people who have interviewed me at recruitment companies who have said that I definitely do not come across as arrogant, which is a relief, as I too thought that this may have been how I might come across.
It's unusual since I'm fine making friends, but if I get positive descriptions, then I tend to be described as "nice", "lovely", "easy to
talk to", "down to earth", etc, but hardly things that imply being attractive in 'that' way. I have been described as being perhaps difficult to read, I don't know if that's anything to do with it, but I know that if I like somebody, I make sense (in my own mind) because I will want to spend time with them, look at them more, and don't bother with anything silly like pretending not to like them or anything like that. I guess I may ask people who know me well for their honest opinions on my body language/how I come across.

[masteromotayo]

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[IndiReloaded]

Well, how often are you being asked out & how often are you shooting them down?

Sometimes if you are part of a fairly closed social group, word gets 'around' that you aren't datable. Might this be the problem?

The only other things I can think are less likely things like clothing style or closed body language.

[Desdemona]

Well, how often are you being asked out & how often are you shooting them down?

Sometimes if you are part of a fairly closed social group, word gets 'around' that you aren't datable. Might this be the problem?

The only other things I can think are less likely things like clothing style or closed body language.

I've never been asked out, apart from one time by somebody who literally asks everyone out, so it wasn't something to take that seriously, so it's not as if I'm pushing people away. There may have been a couple of people that may have liked me and said they were attracted to me, but it didn't lead much further, mainly as a month later I moved to Japan (where I am now until July 2009), and also I guess I didn't feel the same way ,although I may have done, in time, but I don't know - I did try to arrange more times to meet one person, but due to busy schedules one way or the other, we weren't able to, but anyway...
I don't think I would go out with anyone just because they liked me, anyway, since although it would be nice to know somebody did like me, it would be a selfish and egocentric way to feel good about myself. Of course, I would be open in really getting to know somebody first, and I don't like to think of myself as somebody who judges and "dismisses" people - since there have been some people that I didn't initially like (or particularly like either way) but eventually became good friends. What I know I have definitely never had is mutual feelings/attraction.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, since you are in Japan I would just focus on socializing with some expats if you know some. Don't really worry about dating. Your photo shows you as Caucasian and you will have enough issues with that in Japan, at least compared to home. Are you working or at a university?

[Desdemona]

Well, since you are in Japan I would just focus on socializing with some expats if you know some. Don't really worry about dating. Your photo shows you as Caucasian and you will have enough issues with that in Japan, at least compared to home. Are you working or at a university?

I am at university in Japan so I am in a mix with many foreign students and of course Japanese. I guess being caucasian does bring more issues, although I do speak Japanese pretty much fluently, which helps.

[Desdemona]

I forgot to add that I socialise with both many Japanese and foreign people, so that "someone" could come from anywhere, and I wouldn`t merely focus with socialising with "expats" because I am a foreign exchange student (I don`t think I mentioned that before".
In any case, it`s surprising that people would assume I would have been asked out - it`s just that I never notice guys take notice of me, not in THAT way anyway, and I tend to assume people really are not interested in me (which seems true most of the time, in general terms, and so avoids disappointment). I know that his train of negative thinking is a problem, and is something I am attempting to get over, but I always make the effort to be friendly and sociable and often approach people to make conversations, and actually find making good friends with little problem, so I don`t see what more I can do.

[carl1222]

Hi, Desdemona,

You said:

"Actually, to give another concrete example of a usual pattern of what happens - there is somebody I like, we get on well, I have some hope that the feelings may be returned and start to get excited, the other person then tends to distance themselves slightly more - not completely or noticeably to others, but enough to make it clear (to me anyway) that the feelings are not mutual. Perhaps subconsciously I come across too strong, but I do not intentionally or consciously show my feelings in a blindingly obvious way, although again, I cannot determine this myself."

Maybe you have it backwards. You mentioned several times that you are afraid of getting hurt by guys you are attracted to. What if rather than coming across "too strong" or "showing your feelings in a blindingly obvious way" you are actually doing the exact opposite???

Maybe you are being perceived as aloof, guarded and disinterested by the very guys you want to attract. It would certainly explain why they pull back during a conversation that's going well. It also would explain why the only guys you attract are the guys you aren't interested in.

It all comes back mainly to body language as others have suggested. When you have these conversations, and he leans in toward you, do lean in toward him or do you lean away from him? Do you face him squarely and look him in the eye? Do you flirt (or at least are you receptive to his flirting)? Do you smile??

What do you think?

Carl.

[ecojeanne]

You mentioned people find you hard to read. I do think that is the main issue. Btw that’s their problem. Although I don’t see it as a problem. It means you’re not a typical ‘normal’ person but that you are unique and have your own set of beliefs, to me that is the best kind of person to be and these are the kind of people i personally am attracted to. People are intimidated by what they don’t understand and people are always wanting to categorize. Fck ‘em! if you can’t let it go then I suggest keeping your opinions to yourself. But I reckon you should keep on being yourself until I’m sure someday someone worthy will make the effort to understand the enigma that is you.

Also you mentioned that you never ‘noticed’ guys take notice of you. This is your problem, you need to be looking around and holding your head high and checkin’ guys out and giving a smile here and there, I promise you will get approached if you look up. Even if you end up rejecting them; so what?! Either way you’ll end up talking to a lot more people and probably widening your circles of friends.

[Desdemona]

Hi, Desdemona,

You said:

"Actually, to give another concrete example of a usual pattern of what happens - there is somebody I like, we get on well, I have some hope that the feelings may be returned and start to get excited, the other person then tends to distance themselves slightly more - not completely or noticeably to others, but enough to make it clear (to me anyway) that the feelings are not mutual. Perhaps subconsciously I come across too strong, but I do not intentionally or consciously show my feelings in a blindingly obvious way, although again, I cannot determine this myself."

Maybe you have it backwards. You mentioned several times that you are afraid of getting hurt by guys you are attracted to. What if rather than coming across "too strong" or "showing your feelings in a blindingly obvious way" you are actually doing the exact opposite???

Maybe you are being perceived as aloof, guarded and disinterested by the very guys you want to attract. It would certainly explain why they pull back during a conversation that's going well. It also would explain why the only guys you attract are the guys you aren't interested in.

It all comes back mainly to body language as others have suggested. When you have these conversations, and he leans in toward you, do lean in toward him or do you lean away from him? Do you face him squarely and look him in the eye? Do you flirt (or at least are you receptive to his flirting)? Do you smile??

What do you think?

Carl.

Well, my assumption of nobody being interested in me could result in me coming across as aloof, but the truth is, nobody seems to express interest in me, so there is nothing for me to 'respond' to. Only literally 2 people have said they were interested in me (which I was surprised at both times) but I did not feel the same way, and we lived too far away from each other to make anything work even if I had been. Maybe I am just bad at spotting people interested in me, but I really don't see it, I only see it when it happens to other people.

[carl1222]

That makes sense, Desdemona. Since it's pretty much up to the guy to make the first move, most interested guys won't approach you if they get the feeling that they will surely be rejected. So most girls have learned how to send subtle signals of interest and approachability.

If you're giving no signals at all of being interested in a guy you meet, he'll pull back ... which causes YOU to pull back ... and so on and so on ... until you've accumulated another friend instead of a potential boyfriend.

Carl.

[Desdemona]

Also you mentioned that you never ‘noticed’ guys take notice of you. This is your problem, you need to be looking around and holding your head high and checkin’ guys out and giving a smile here and there, I promise you will get approached if you look up. Even if you end up rejecting them; so what?! Either way you’ll end up talking to a lot more people and probably widening your circles of friends.

Obviously I can't tell exactly how I come across, but I do try to take notice of people around me, and sometimes when I think people might possibly fancy me I just say to myself "don't be so silly" because normally I feel sometimes I see what I wan't to see but there are no concrete signs, but I still show interest in people I like which should come across as pretty obvious in my mind - I want to spend more time with them and mostly make an effort to speak to them first, I make deeper eye contact and smile and laugh more, but eventually I find out one way or another that he doesn't feel the same and so it continues this way every time, and so it probably will again with the person I currently am interested in...