Complicated Long Distance Love

[Bokonon]

I encourage you to stay with your wife. Try turning one of those five hours per day you spend talking to your new friend to talking to your wife and taking more of an interest in her, even if you don't feel as though you have much in common with her.

Best of luck.

[winzywhim]

I can understand that relationships and marriages can become mundane and monotonous after a while. But that is not a rational excuse for you to leave your wife and your own children like that. The impression that I got after reading about your situation is that I think you are being unfair to your own family. Sure, even within a marriage or a relationship with our significant other, there may be times that we find ourselves naturally drawn or attracted to another member of the opposite sex down the road, but if the idea of love and commitment is really present within a relationship, then one would be inclined to shed whatever feelings or romantic affiliations that he/she may have with a third wheeler involved, no matter how difficult it may be.

Re-analyze your situation and think about the priorities that you ought to address. Associating yourself further with this new girl will only pave the way for deeper problems or a wider gap between your own wife and your two children.

I am not in the position to judge your current relationship with this new girl; however, I would like to point out a few things to consider. How would you know if down the road, the same thing may happen as well? Could it have been just mere infatuation? A response to hormonal urges just to relive the times of passionate romance and fiery love-making which you claim you no longer experience with your own wife?

What would guarantee your full compatibility with this new person and your assurance that the passion will still be ignited in full flame as long as you both will live together? Think back to the time when you first fell in love with your wife-to-be. What qualities made you attracted to her? And why did you marry her in the first place? There must have been some kind of spark or chemistry that took place between the both of you that made things rise to the next level in terms of finally coming to a decision to love one another and remain committed for life. Were those marriage vows meaningless to you?

I would suggest talking out things with your wife or seek counseling. Do what you can to relive those moments when you both were madly in love with one another - those days when you had so much in common and were totally devoted to one another. I suggest you not to devote any more effort and time on this new girl. I'm sure your marriage would blossom if you and your wife were to allocate that same amount of effort and time to make things work out the way they should. If you and your current wife have established a healthy relationship full of trust, understanding, and commitment, I would assure you, you would not have responded and thrust forward upon impulse in seeking a new relationship with another woman. And needless to say, the fact that this is long distance already suggests the possibility of failure in which such physical separation can be a hindering setback and may pose as an obstacle between both people in terms of maintaining consistent communication and contact with one another.

Be a husband. Be a father. Take full responsibility and maturity on the matter and put your own family on first priority above all else. Be considerate. Do not open the door for emotional distress and burden within familial ties. You either don't care or don't realize the emotional impacts and consequences that may arise from your selfish behavior and inconsiderate nature. Yes, I am criticizing you for your actions. But do understand that I am only trying to offer helpful advice so you won't be allowing yourself and your family to be falling into an endless pit of agony and distress for many years to come.

[IndiReloaded]

Commitment is also a crock. It's time people grew up. It's time they discarded their little fairy tale notions. It's time they started acting like rational beings.

Gribble, I completely disagree with you on this.

Commitment is NOT a crock. It is a life-defining concept.

Family, marriage, loyalty, work. Honor. Goodness. Friendship--one I have been thinking about a lot recently.

These are ALL esoteric concepts that have absolutely NO meaning except that which we choose to give it.

Commitment is not about a relationship. It is about the person making it.

The only thing that makes it a 'crock' is that ppl don't take it more seriously. If they did, then a lot of our society's issues would improve immediately. I don't just mean marriage. I mean commitment to making sure children are cared for, people are treated well and with dignity, that we behave better than animals, because we CHOOSE to.

Grow up, much, Gribble? You don't bother to disagree that ppl shouldn't abuse their kids or that husbands shouldn't cheat on their wives. Or that ppl shouldn't kill each other. Those are ALL forms of commitment to an ideal.

Think about it, you too, James.

[Petit Papillon]

Well I think I have to disagree with all of You guys... It's based about my own experience... Well My mother stayed with my father JUST FOR SAKE OF CHILDREN well actually not me,cause we are 5 together and I am the youngest,and they divorced when I was about 12. Well because my Mum stayed with my father so long, now they hate each other. Can You all imagine how crazy can for example Christmas be,when You listen how stupid Your mother or father is? Depends on with whom You spend it. Maybe they don't say "stupid" ,but they say enough bad things about each others... Really . Divorce nowadays is just a good solution of escaping from what already not exist instead of killing Your wife/husband. His wife seems to be ok with being with someone else,and kids... Really,they won't die. We're not in 50s or 60s... Greets , PP

[IndiReloaded]

Petite, I'm sorry for your experience, but your mom wasn't committed. Not by my definition. To either her happiness (or she would have left sooner) or her family/marriage. And that is what causes the problems.

[Petit Papillon]

Oh yeah Indi she was committed and still is to her family.It was me and my selfishness.Cause when I was small I was forcing her to stay with my father ,showing her how angry I am at her etc. And I just didn't want them to divorce just because every kid I knew was in a "whole" family.And I felt just embarrased.But I shouldn't,cause when it finally happenned,I was still alive,my friends still were my friends,even after I told my friends that my parents divorced they've started to talk about their problems at home,that their parents also have a lot of fights etc.
And I mean, how can You say to this guy to stay with a person who he doesn't love just for sake of his kids? Isn't it worst to live with parents and know that they don't love each other,and maybe even hate? No happy family holidays or trips or I don't know what. It's hypocrisy.

[Petit Papillon]

And I'm not telling that he should run into this internet relationship , it sounds little bit crazy but... I think he shouldn't stay in a marriage where there is no love.They both still can be happy,and their kids too.

[carl1222]

Devotion is a crock of shit. People were devoted because they had to be. If a woman left her husband just a few measly decades ago no other man would want her and she couldn't hope to get a decent job. So she'd either leave her husband and her children behind or she'd take her children away into a life of poverty.

Commitment is also a crock. It's time people grew up. It's time they discarded their little fairy tale notions. It's time they started acting like rational beings.

Gribble, there's nothing "rational" about discarding family and commitments just to follow an itch in your d**k half a world away. There's little need for commitments when they are easy to keep. I would hate to live in a world where promises are universally disposible.

You know what the real "fairy tale" is? That we always have to be happy with our serious promises, and if not ... just throw them away. Such is the unfettered pursuit of happiness.

And to those who say "if you are unhappy, it's better for the kids to split up." When I was a young adult, my mother confided in me that her and my father's marriage had become unhappy ten years earlier. You know what? I never had a clue because they both decided that their own happiness was less important than their commitment to provide a stable home for the children they created, so they NEVER bickered or sniped in front of us.

Carl.

[IndiReloaded]

The more you post, Carl, the more I'm liking you. Thanks for that last.

[lesa]

I remember when I saw one of Carl's first posts. I was thinking, "Who is this guy?..he is so full of wisdom". Intelligent, realistic, and mature.

[vashti]

Actually Carl, I am 99.9% sure you misunderstood Gribble's post. Based on his writings in many previous posts, I am rather sure he feels that feeling "devoted" is a dumb reason to remain faithful because feelings are transitory. One should remain faithful because they promised to, if for no other reason. Assuming this is what he meant, I agree with him.

Of course, maybe I am misunderstanding him.

[Gigabitch]

I have no doubt that if Gribble were to meet someone he wanted to commit to, his commitment would be rock-solid. He just hasn't met her yet. Maybe he never will. He might, though, and I'm sure he would be the first to admit that he didn't know what he was talking about back when he was spouting all of that He-Man rhetoric about being "rational".

[wendy_2008]

but you're committed with your family. are you just gonna walk out like that.