Thinking it might be over

[IndiReloaded]

EXACTLY RIGHT!! That's what she wants. She wants me to choose between my family and her...after four months of relationship. Gimme a break.

I seriously doubt that what she wants, Cam. As others have pointed out, good ppl don't generally ask partners to make this kind of choice, particularly when she's in a caretaker role of her own. I think you are misinterpreting things in this regard. Whether its on purpose or not is b/t you & your navel. Of course, I could be completely wrong, in which case this lady is not a good fit for you.

It does sounds to me as if she is unsure of a lot of things, in her own life and that is spilling into your relationship. Which is really very young. Four months isn't at all a long time to be dating. In fact, I'm rather surprised you are both even considering the family holiday issues at this early time. Neither my husband nor I spent family holidays together until after we had been dating over a year (we did meet however).

You are barely scratching the surface of getting to know each other. I'm not sure you are being too impatient with things and perhaps creating a sense of urgency where there need not be one. Or perhaps she is?

She also sounds very sheltered in a lot of ways, whereas you are more worldly. Is this a good thing, or not? I can certainly see how it might be a bit frightening to her. And a bit daunting for you.

My advice for now, assuming you still like this lady enough to let things play out a bit longer, would be to turn the intensity down a couple levels, Cam. Remove the urgency from the situation. Holiday time is very stressful for a lot of ppl. I suspect that once January comes around, things will be a bit easier to see more clearly.

[CAM]

barbie dolls in her room. lol. wow. well at least you got some sex. you were needing that pretty bad .

Well, I seriously regret the sex. I waited for six years because I honestly wanted it to be for the right reasons this time. I can say that I did it with all the right feelings in my mind; just the wrong person. I would rather wait another six years or longer for the more perfect union, shall we say?

[CAM]

My advice for now, assuming you still like this lady enough to let things play out a bit longer, would be to turn the intensity down a couple levels, Cam. Remove the urgency from the situation. Holiday time is very stressful for a lot of ppl. I suspect that once January comes around, things will be a bit easier to see more clearly.

Absolutely correct--great advice. No, the intensity is way down...like, I don't think she and I should talk for awhile. Let the rest of the holiday season pass by in relative peace and tranquility. I need the break because my nerves are totally frayed from work and everything else.

[CAM]

She also sounds very sheltered in a lot of ways, whereas you are more worldly. Is this a good thing, or not? I can certainly see how it might be a bit frightening to her. And a bit daunting for you.

Oh, very challenging for me. As a wordly sort of a guy, it is very difficult to feign amazement at things that you experienced at age 8 or so She's very sheltered.

[vashti]

I think you sound like two peas in a pod. Both of you sound extremely skittish about being involved with another human on an intimate level. A perfect match, if you ask me.

i don't see how you think she's breaking away from her family when she "takes care of relatives."

I agree with this. I sure wish we could hear HER perspective. I bet she sees things in vastly different ways.

my sense is that she cannot live up to my standard of life.

Wow. This statement says a LOT about your frame of mind. Pretty alienating, don't you think? I think this attitude is very possibly the root of all your problems.

[CAM]

I agree with this. I sure wish we could hear HER perspective. I bet she sees things in vastly different ways.


Wow. This statement says a LOT about your frame of mind. Pretty alienating, don't you think? I think this attitude is very possibly the root of all your problems.

I've heard her perspective...I just can't make sense of it.

Well, more her problem than mine on the second point. She's threatened by the way I live. I made every effort to include her in my life as my friend and lover; she just told me that she rejects it...

She could have had opened her life to totally new opportunities, but I fear that she just couldn't make the leap.

[vashti]

Perhaps I misunderstood your post. You wrote, "my sense is that she cannot live up to my standard of life", rather than "my sense is that she feels she cannot live up to my standard of life". Big difference, don't you think?

[Aeradalia]

I can sympathize CAM. I was married to someone who was considerably less mature than me. The relationship was a constant struggle to both explain my motives/logic and to counteract their mistakes. After a few years of enduring the constant disagreements, their insecurities, and repairing the unending damages from their poor choices... the marriage ended.

Sadly it wasn't until undergoing the process of divorce and afterwards that they became aware of their greater immaturity and finally learned a few lessons. The divorce was fair, all debts equally divided. I recovered quickly and without hesitation... whereas they are still struggling with the more basic concepts of self-sufficiency.

I do not know how to encourage someone to mature... other than for them to be forced into situations where there is virtually no way to avoid solving their problems and learning. Experience teaches you to look ahead of the current situation and see where it may lead... and make preparations or reparations so that problems may be prevented, solved, or endured. Trying to teach this concept to someone else who has no experience of it is daunting to say the least.

[IndiReloaded]

I've heard her perspective...I just can't make sense of it.

Why don't you summarize her issue for us, Cam? In her words, even if they don't scan with you. Not to pry, but perhaps we can decode the woman-speak?

I'm somewhat bemused about this. This woman is a doctoral candidate, right? So she can't be stupid. Is she so dense as to understand how someone like you could be a wonderful asset to her growth? My god, you could probably help her with her research if she wanted at your stage, you could find the time. Or help her in finding a job. Or writing a book together or something on a sabbatical. My brain hurts at the possibilities, actually, for this kind of partnership.

But what is it that you want from her, Cam? Or, more generally, from a life partner? In 10 years or so, you're going to be considering retirement, or at least very long trips away when you need to escape whatever admin position you've managed to get sucked into. Will she be able, or even willing, to go with you? What about children? For you, if you want to enjoy them while you can still chase them down in nappies, you need to get busy & quick. Is she the type of lady who would be willing to juggle this kind of commitment?

Honestly, I'd find any difference in your 'lifestyle' to be the least of your concerns. Ppl adapt to wealth, or its lack. So long as you aren't some kind of celebrity, and your family isn't involved in the mafia, I doubt this will be the serious longterm issue.

Where you will clash is in trying to find a way for her to feel she is making her contribution to your partnership. And the only way I can imagine working that out is for you to be perfectly clear about what you value & require in this regard, and whether this is something that she can offer you while staying true to her own needs.

[misombra]

Well, I seriously regret the sex. I waited for six years because I honestly wanted it to be for the right reasons this time. I can say that I did it with all the right feelings in my mind; just the wrong person. I would rather wait another six years or longer for the more perfect union, shall we say?

oh good gawd cam you're still on with this guilt thing? this is nothing to be guilty and regretful about. nothing at all.

you talk about how she's immature and won't break away from childhood but cam, you are refusing to break away from the shelter as well. both of you have things to let go of and change about yourselves. you can go through it separately but go through it together and be there to comfort each other. it doesn't have to last forever. all those expectations you have are just going to make you more and more unhappy.

let it go already cam. all that guilt and shame. that shit will ruin your life.

[Car Chick]

I don't know. It's kind of like dating Jesus, except without the humility. I think it might be a little bit hard.

Oops, meant to do this as a qoute of the one asking if anyone can live up to that standard.

Seriously though, could you be anymore full of yourself? No wonder the poor girl wants to leave you.

[Car Chick]

I think it must be more than that. It sounds to me that she is the one pushing away. She wants to start "new" with just the two of them. It sounds like she is not comfortable with sharing life with the family and extended family.

That and the fact that he seems to think he's the perfect catch and she's far beneath him. No girl's gonna deal with that crap.

[CAM]

Now, she's gone a bit crazy. She sent this really horrible email that was insulting beyond belief. And, she claims that we are in love, etc. Wow, I mean really nut-so.

So, I just replied that it was over, that I wouldn't tolerate this kind of stuff. "Please don't contact me again." was in there.

I just heard my phone recorder come on and she just left a message saying that it was horrible message and that she was just being "tongue-in-cheek" and that maybe it might get us back on track...and please call. Of course, I'm not calling. I can't--I mean, its bizarre behavior on her part.

Let's hope that she doesn't turn into a stalker.

Lesson #101: Never date again. I'm serious, I can't take anymore abnormality in my life.

[Indignant]

Now, she's gone a bit crazy. She sent this really horrible email that was insulting beyond belief. And, she claims that we are in love, etc. Wow, I mean really nut-so.

So, I just replied that it was over, that I wouldn't tolerate this kind of stuff. "Please don't contact me again." was in there.

I just heard my phone recorder come on and she just left a message saying that it was horrible message and that she was just being "tongue-in-cheek" and that maybe it might get us back on track...and please call. Of course, I'm not calling. I can't--I mean, its bizarre behavior on her part.

Let's hope that she doesn't turn into a stalker.

Lesson #101: Never date again. I'm serious, I can't take anymore abnormality in my life.

I think you have a disorder CAM, you are an arsehole.

[IndiReloaded]

Wow. It *would* have been better if you two didn't communicate this holiday.

Instead of being so dismissive, Cam, (defense mechanism) I wonder why you can't find it in yourself to be kind? What has she really done to you, after all?

If she wants to apologize, let her. If you don't want to see her anymore, then break it off. But you are old enough, Cam to do this with a bit more finesse, I should think?

BTW, without knowing more I would guess she is not crazy, just desperate to find a way to connect to you. Possible?