No Belief in Himself...

[Lite]

Oh, I can help you with this, Lite.

Now, you do seem to express some interesting memes. Ones I personally think have some value in our current world. Rational thinking ppl aren't so common as we'd like to think. So, by not reproducing and raising rational children and spreading those memes, you may be doing society a disservice.

Hope that helps.

Obviously, I'm just talking from a family history standpoint. Not that there is any actual historical relevance to whether or not I reproduce. It isn't like some long lost line of Kings dies with me.

Right, but I'm not sure those memes cannot be passed on via education and communication rather than as some sort of genetic key.

[Mish]

At one point he said that he is not one that I could pin my hopes for a future on.. and that he was sorry to have disappointed me. However, he also explained that he does not want to let me go... that he wants to help me succeed in life - even if that means without him ultimately.

I REALLY hold in suspect the timing of this revelation. I think it's common knowledge that relationship should be maintained as smoothly as possible while separated by distance. The fact that he's saying it now at the start of his "away time" almost sounds like a "Goodbye". I'm sorry to say this, but sometimes there is only so much you can do. If I were you at one point I would've mentioned that if he wants to let go of the relationship then that's his decision to make, but he is the one making that decision and not you.

[IndiReloaded]

Right, but I'm not sure those memes cannot be passed on via education and communication rather than as some sort of genetic key.

I've been thinking a lot about this recently. Right now, I am thinking that if each person can reach *two* ppl in their lives, to really make a difference to the course of someone's life, that is the key to solving a lot of our major problems.

And yes, education and communication is key. But, as religions know and use to their advantage, it is much more effective to instill these memes at an early stage of development. Adults can learn, but much less efficiently.

[kene]

i'd say that behind every great man there's a great women. Lead him into the right direction. if you believe that he needs a new job, help him find one. he has a mental block that you can help him break through. with every small achievement that he gains in life, his self esteem will grow.

The actual full expression isn't "behind every graet man there's a great woman" its.....

"BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN, THERE'S A GREAT WOMAN AND BEHIND THAT WOMAN IS THAT MAN'S WIFE"

[IndiReloaded]

Ouch, lol.

[Aeradalia]

I REALLY hold in suspect the timing of this revelation. I think it's common knowledge that relationship should be maintained as smoothly as possible while separated by distance. The fact that he's saying it now at the start of his "away time" almost sounds like a "Goodbye". I'm sorry to say this, but sometimes there is only so much you can do. If I were you at one point I would've mentioned that if he wants to let go of the relationship then that's his decision to make, but he is the one making that decision and not you.

He sends out mixed signals though.. he says that he doesn't foresee a future and yet he wants to keep the relationship.. works very hard to maintain it... tries to keep me happy.. talks for hours when on the computer... he just avoids anything to do with talk of the future.. unless he falls into his sadder moods.

Sometimes he acts like he's afraid he'll lose me... and then he says things like this as though he were to push me away. Then when he realizes I'm not going anywhere... he's practically overjoyed. I can't help but to think this is some form of insecurity.

I'm tempted to just say.. 'Look, I'm not going anywhere... relax! will ya?"

[Mish]

Sometimes he acts like he's afraid he'll lose me... and then he says things like this as though he were to push me away. Then when he realizes I'm not going anywhere... he's practically overjoyed. I can't help but to think this is some form of insecurity.

I don't know, his low self esteem, the distance and the timing of this don't sound like a good combination to me. I've been in something not too dissimilar and she ended up breaking up with me as a pre-emptive move, to pre-empt me breaking up with her in the future because she felt that it's only a matter of time before I make that decision myself. Something to watch out for.

[Lite]

The actual full expression isn't "behind every graet man there's a great woman" its.....

"BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN, THERE'S A GREAT WOMAN AND BEHIND THAT WOMAN IS THAT MAN'S WIFE"

And that wife is rolling her eyes and making the yapping expression with her hand as the man talks about he couldn't have done it without...

[doppelgaenger]

Tell him to suck it up and be your man.

Cupping his balls with that "everything will be okay" stuff just comforts his insecurity. I've been there.

A nice kick in the rump really helps.

[Aeradalia]

Well.. I sat down and thought real hard about it and wrote a letter to him.. using his own words to support my own:

"I have given much thought to the conversation we had... and I hope you realize the contradiction you have inadvertently caused. It is understandable that life can be difficult at times... filled with trial and error... disappointments abound... and injustices and pain. However, as I said before whatever you send out, whether it be positive or negative will eventually find its way back to you. Our actions and reactions can work for us or against us in life... lending to the perception we have of life (i.e. littered with travails or opportunities to grow). All the positive and negative thoughts, emotions, and actions you ever had in life affects all those around you in some way, in some capacity this feeds back to you through the thoughts, emotions, and actions of others, and affects you directly or indirectly. So you are, the master of your own life... in that you can forge the weapons in which you destroy yourself, as well as create the tools in which you build yourself.

The contradiction is between your own views of yourself and the advice you have given me over time. Such words as ".you're going the right way, keep trying...you will land better things in life...." and "....keep going...you will encounter disappointments...but take them in stride....and strive for the better...indeed, the best!" are not only good advice, but applicable to you as well. I sincerely believe that if you enjoy your current occupation, then you are doing the right thing and you should persist in doing the best you can. Once more, you speak the truth "...but nevertheless I want you to keep a positive outlook....the world has enough miseries as it is...keep your spirits up," you must keep a positive outlook.. it will fuel your success, in that it will carry you through times that are difficult.

There must be great qualities in you or positive things would not be reflected back to you. Let yourself bask in these achievements... allow yourself to see a good thing... even when it's a part of you. These things will offer encouragement, provide the tools you need to build yourself up - to make you into the person you long to be. You are talented... your writing abilities are something I envy and try to learn from. You are sweet and giving... so eager to give so much more to those around you, and yet you neglect yourself. Imagine how far you could go if you offered yourself such luxuries too. You are accomodating and understanding... which is a rare quality in people. So many are closed up in their own worlds, not once do they empathize with others as they cast judgment and assumptions about. You are intelligent and perceptive... qualities that will surely work for you, if you let them. Whether you believe it or not, you are endowed with all the tools in which to build your own success... the advantages offered to you by these traits is so disproportionate from most others that it hardly seems fair. This is a good thing...

As you have said to me, "want the VERY BEST for you.....and want you to strive hard for all good things in life....," "...yet I care for you, tremendously...I want absolutely the best for you...," and "...want you to thoroughly enjoy life....taste success and happiness in every endeavor of yours...," I too want the very best for you, I want you to enjoy life, and I want you to have success and happiness. You deserve these things... and your lack of belief in this does not change the truth. Happiness, success, and all the good things in life are yours... if you want them... if you refuse to give up, back down, or accept anything less.

Schatzi, I am indebted to you, ask what you will of me and if it is within my power, I will make it yours. Even the things your heart asks and your mind does not. I love you, care for you, and want the very best for you... all the desires of your heart - especially happiness."

I hope this is encouraging enough and not just increasing his insecurities...

[misombra]

Never tell him to cheer up when he feels down. A person can't just cheer up from scratch. There has to be a reason, and that comes when he is threated as normal being until the problem dissapears.

One thing to remember is that in our society, it is expected that women sort of rely on men. Therefore womens insecurities are more normal, they are easily fixed. But a failure in mans life can have a huge impact since he feels he has responsibility and therefore has failed. From early age, we study, study, work, study, work and work more just to provide for a family, this is expected and every man knows it.

What you need to tell him, is that what use is the past. He lives in present day, not in past, past doesn't matter. Think of today, not yesterday or tomorrow, because you live right now, in this current moment in this current place.

There is no point in telling him that "everyhting will be ok", such words don't carry any meaning, and you both know that. The least it does is that it takes away the bit of responsibility and such unstable person may just let go of everything, which is negative thing.

I cannot give any more advice because I don't know the problem. Is he jobless? Homeless? Abused? Or has a job, money but just feels that way? Is it routine?

If it is about the lack of job, he needs to get into mood. He should take any job he can. Heck i am a machinist cleaner making minimum wage after school and been struggling my whole life, my only parent is as poor as me, but as long as I am fine, I am fine. This is called living in the present. Just live, work on what you can, when better opportunity comes, bite it.

The biggest mistake is the 'I am going to change him' part, yes. This is stupid, so what is it, is it about you or him? And overanalyzing, the need to fix everything, can lead to all sorts of problems. Eventually you may feel both unhappy because you both failed.

booboo, i think you're my soulmate.

[doppelgaenger]

Schatzi? Is he from Deutschland?

[Aeradalia]

Schatzi? Is he from Deutschland?

I am doppel... eh... it's my term of endearment for him... he says precious, darling.. etc.. I call him schatzi..

[lesa]

Boobaa is right. It's the key to your happiness.

I wouldn't do *#@&!

The only thing I would say is that the past is what it is and that we can only live in the present which will ultimately be our future. If the guy doesn't know what that means then I would leave him alone.

I've done the major encouragements, guidance, help cheering up, help finding job, credit, house, etc. After doing all that he didn't look like my lover anymore and I became his mother.

He needs to do it all on his own. If he cannot then he is not ready for a relationship. If I sound horrible, oh well. I know from experience and I won't repeat it.

[doppelgaenger]

I am doppel... eh... it's my term of endearment for him... he says precious, darling.. etc.. I call him schatzi..

Ich weiß, ich weiß, was das bedeutet! Ich studiere Germanistik auf der Uni