Desprete for some advice

[Lowfront]

Hey guys thanks for the help.

So now, I have sort of just been acting like a dick cause I'm pissed off. She's pissed at me of course.

She wants me to take her home, cause she thinks I'm being selfish. I'ts just so hard to relax and try to take it easy when I'm just way over the line.

I should just act like a normal human being and have fun with her today but I can't feel all lovely and normal right now.

I have been very anxious and stressed really bad all week and its showing.

She says that I'm not helping anything by acting like this
and "This isn't the guy I know"

So now once again I don't know what to do.....

[Aeradalia]

Hey guys thanks for the help.

So now, I have sort of just been acting like a dick cause I'm pissed off. She's pissed at me of course.

She wants me to take her home, cause she thinks I'm being selfish. I'ts just so hard to relax and try to take it easy when I'm just way over the line.

I should just act like a normal human being and have fun with her today but I can't feel all lovely and normal right now.

I have been very anxious and stressed really bad all week and its showing.

She says that I'm not helping anything by acting like this
and "This isn't the guy I know"

So now once again I don't know what to do.....

Hmm... she has a lot of gall to act as though you are the cause of all her problems... when she puts you through hell because she clung to you before sorting out her feelings for the last guy - even had the audacity to have him brought into YOUR home.

She is being selfish and not considerate of your heart or your needs. You are stressed out for two reasons:

1.) she selfishly wants to love the last guy and have you too - have her cake and eat it too - which is just cruel to you...

2.) you won't make her selfishness known to her - instead you would rather be passive aggressive to her and coddle her as she confesses her love for ANOTHER man.


It's up to you to make a decision.. not hers. She's made her decision, and that's to love this other guy and have you make her feel special too...

You have a choice to make...

you can either be her 'friends with benefits' emotional support while she dwells on the love she had with this other guy OR

you can tell her to choose between a man that doesn't love her or choose to be with you OR

you can decide you've had enough drama and would be better off looking for another woman who would put you FIRST in her heart.


Most of the stress in life comes from failing to make a decision or do something we know we need to do.

[Lowfront]

I think that its just been really bad right now because she had him over and the pot was stirred.

She said she is going to go to therapy and she's trying to get over him.

So, at this point idk.

I told her straight up that I'm sick of it and I don't want to hear about it anymore.

The problem she is going through now, which I suppose I should of mentioned earlier, is that she just found out he was gay. And was with a guy while she was with him. So I think that once she gets over this frustration and anger of that, and talks to someone professionally.

Things will finally fit to place. She is out with my mother right now running errands and talking. So she'll come back feeling good. And I guess I'll embrace that and see where it takes me.

I don't have a much of a choice of leaving her, she lives with in this apartment we have till summer time. When we graduate together. We are in every single class together. And we work in the same library.

So even if I said ya lets not be together, that won't get me too far.

I want her, and if that means just holding on for the ride to see where it takes us.

Maybe its just the new news of him being gay thats making things the way they are now. And she'll get over that in time.

She wants me to be there for her as a friend right now. And ****, I'm going to be there.

In a couple days it will naturally be like we are back together, and hopefully the therapy will help.

And maybe his trip here will in fact finally give her the closer she needed.


Thanks so much guys

I'll keep u up to date.

[Gigabitch]

Dude, I think you should tell her that therapy is mandatory, or that's IT, and you should mean it. Insist that she contribute some effort to this relationship as well.

(Disclaimer: do NOT tell her this while she's "in-crisis". Tell her the next day when she's feeling a little mortified about being such a drama queen.)

You cannot buy into her drama. Don't get up and stomp out of the room, ever again. That's YOUR bed. Only one of you gets to be the big, weepy pain in the ass at a time; if you try to match her point-for-point, you'll both lose.

[chipmunkz]

you,re bigger than yourself, find someone better

[Lite]

Dude, I think you should tell her that therapy is mandatory, or that's IT, and you should mean it. Insist that she contribute some effort to this relationship as well.

(Disclaimer: do NOT tell her this while she's "in-crisis". Tell her the next day when she's feeling a little mortified about being such a drama queen.)

You cannot buy into her drama. Don't get up and stomp out of the room, ever again. That's YOUR bed. Only one of you gets to be the big, weepy pain in the ass at a time; if you try to match her point-for-point, you'll both lose.

There's a certain general stigma about going to therapy. Forcing someone to go as an "or else" kind of thing is generally a good way to get them to tell you to go **** yourself. A more tactful approach would be, "I support your decision to go to therapy because this just isn't working for me. I NEED you to work on this for yourself and for you to take care of yourself about this as there is only so much more of this behavior I am willing to take.

[Gigabitch]

There's a certain general stigma about going to therapy. Forcing someone to go as an "or else" kind of thing is generally a good way to get them to tell you to go **** yourself. A more tactful approach would be, "I support your decision to go to therapy because this just isn't working for me. I NEED you to work on this for yourself and for you to take care of yourself about this as there is only so much more of this behavior I am willing to take.

I suppose that's true. I live in kind of an isolated, healing-oriented place. It's actually quite extreme here. Everybody seems to be in therapy of some kind.
What do you think about a "we go to therapy" kind of ultimatum, Lite, rather than YOU go?

[Lite]

I suppose that's true. I live in kind of an isolated, healing-oriented place. It's actually quite extreme here. Everybody seems to be in therapy of some kind.
What do you think about a "we go to therapy" kind of ultimatum, Lite, rather than YOU go?

I always find that it is better to ask first, then if one is denied a couple of times, demand. I'm perfectly OK with someone putting their foot down and demanding that a problem is dealt with. But not everyone is, especially those who are hurting and lack a point of reference.

As for therapy, everyone's in therapy every day of their lives. They just tend not to pay attention to it. Watching TV to relax is therapy. Eating desert is therapy. The difference is really in how it is structured and your actual level of commitment to healing. Due to the type of person I am, just dealing with my day to day life is generally kind of traumatic for me. I'm just that tightly wound as I internalize stress. So if I go do martial arts for an hour every other day, that's therapy for me. I take my tension out on a punching bag, or a sparring partner, or something.

Hell, I find going out and shooting a gun to be HUGELY relaxing. The only other thing I've found close to it is breaking glass when it comes to relieving stress instantly.

[carl1222]

Hmm... she has a lot of gall to act as though you are the cause of all her problems... when she puts you through hell because she clung to you before sorting out her feelings for the last guy - even had the audacity to have him brought into YOUR home.

She is being selfish and not considerate of your heart or your needs. You are stressed out for two reasons:

1.) she selfishly wants to love the last guy and have you too - have her cake and eat it too - which is just cruel to you...

2.) you won't make her selfishness known to her - instead you would rather be passive aggressive to her and coddle her as she confesses her love for ANOTHER man.


It's up to you to make a decision.. not hers. She's made her decision, and that's to love this other guy and have you make her feel special too...

You have a choice to make...

you can either be her 'friends with benefits' emotional support while she dwells on the love she had with this other guy OR

you can tell her to choose between a man that doesn't love her or choose to be with you OR

you can decide you've had enough drama and would be better off looking for another woman who would put you FIRST in her heart.


Most of the stress in life comes from failing to make a decision or do something we know we need to do.

What Aeradalia said ... every word.

She is counting on you "holding on for the ride to see where it takes us" because you love her. I think it's interesting that she got pissed at YOU for expressing your OWN feelings. This absolutely proves that she expects you to abandon your own needs and feelings in deference to hers. How utterly selfish!

You said: "She says that I'm not helping anything by acting like this and 'This isn't the guy I know'" She's absolutely right. The guy she knows will sit back and eat all the s**t she feeds him. Her anger is nothing more than that you finally objected to carrying the entire relationship on your shoulders while she indulges (rather than attempts to fix) her fatal attraction problems.

Carl.

[Mish]

Before you can enter into a new relationship you have to end and come to terms with the last one.... somewhere along the line your girlfriend forgot that. Somewhere along the line, you failed to remind her.

You both are reaping what you sow...

I agree^^^

Perhaps it's time to remind her if it comes up again. Ultimately, it looks like she is not ready to be in a relationship. I think she is feeling like a fish out of water, because she's simply not ready to be in one. She didn't have the time or the will to properly move on and it doesn't look like she will for as long as she remains in this relationship. I think staying on maybe just prolonging the misery and the ultimate sad conclusion.

[carl1222]

I agree^^^

Perhaps it's time to remind her if it comes up again. Ultimately, it looks like she is not ready to be in a relationship. I think she is feeling like a fish out of water, because she's simply not ready to be in one. She didn't have the time or the will to properly move on and it doesn't look like she will for as long as she remains in this relationship. I think staying on maybe just prolonging the misery and the ultimate sad conclusion.

Mishanya is right.

It should be starting to occur to you that by being her shoulder to cry on, you are making it impossible for her to get over him. Why should she??

If you act like a boyfriend, you may become her boyfriend, but right now, you are not acting at all like a boyfriend because you are willing to accept "love scraps" instead of demanding her full attention to your relationship.

Carl.

[Aeradalia]

Not sure who wrote this but the words ring true:

Never let someone become your PRIORITY while allowing yourself to become their OPTION.
Don't waste your time on a man/woman who isn't willing to waste their time on you.


And sadly, my friend... you are her OPTION...

[UKboy]

I'm in a mess myself and don't really feel like typing chucks of paragraph but i though i just contribute given the aid render to me by various helpful people here.
Have you ever though of giving her all the space and time she needs?By that i do mean cutting off all contact for a long period of time say half a year?
This is really a classical case of what a person knows what they want and what they do.
Rationally speaking,she knows she had enough of her ex and wants a stable relationship.However,given her current emotional demises, she is in no position to seperate rationality from emotions.All you can be sure is that her emotions is taking the driver's seat.
Obviously,2 years is not enough for her to get over the ex.My suggestion is,if you do love her and by that i mean commit to her even when you're being pushed to the end of the edge by her unstablility,continue to stand by her.
Sometimes i just don't get it too.Girls love to make nice guys work but let the jerks easy.
At the same time,i believe you too need space and time to cool down.If this continues,her actions will induce anger and resentment towards her like what is happening to me.

[UKboy]

Not sure who wrote this but the words ring true:

Never let someone become your PRIORITY while allowing yourself to become their OPTION.
Don't waste your time on a man/woman who isn't willing to waste their time on you.


And sadly, my friend... you are her OPTION...

You're reminding me.

[Lowfront]

Thanks for the comments guys. I'm having a really hard time right now. I'd say its done for sure at this point.

Was valentines day the other day and we had an amazing time. Then I come to find out she made her ex a valentines day card (when I saw this she said it was mine)...but of course it ended up in his hands.

And she wrote him this big long email last night about moving back in with him when she gets out of school and such. He just got out of the relationship with that guy, so he's seems more open to the idea of them getting back together.

So now here I am, once again my shit ripped apart. Its always when things are going the best that my walls come crumbling down. I thought valentines day was one of our best times together.


But apparently not on her side. As she's still looking at his facebook everyday, writing to him everyday, etc etc.


I don't really know what to do with myself at this point. We are living with each other until may and we are both graduating this semester.

I have a test in an hour that I haven't given any time towards because I can't concentrate.

I just don't know how I'm going to get through my last semester here with all this on top of my head. While still being with her 24/7 because we live together and in every class together.

I just left this morning to go to work without saying anything. And now not answering my phone or replying to her texts. She doesn't really care, she doesn't want anything from me except to make her feel special while she shits on me.

I'll prob go to my parents house tonight and continue to ignore her.


So now guys........

How do I share a bed with the girl of my dreams everynight...knowing that in a couple months its over and she's gone.

Thanks for the responses guys