sharing my heartbreak

[amazonian]

Whatever his reasons are for not wanting to get married, I'm sure they're about a whole lot more than not loving you enough. People are complicated. If you want to pour out all of the possible reasons for his unwillingness to commit further, I promise I'll read them.
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He's pretty much just said, he doesn't believe in marriage and that he can't and won't promise the future. And as for asking why he can't tell me he loves me more than anyone else he's ever been with, he just says "he won't compare" and if he's with me, and he loves me, whats the problem...
But for some reason this makes me feel really insecure! Why can't he say it?
I'm not an inexperienced or young person, and I can usually spot BS and/or common sense from a mile away, but I really thought that he was going to share and reciprocate my sentiments by now. ???
Wish I could just accept all of this, but I just cant!

[Gigabitch]

Even if he loved you more than Romeo loved Juliet, would that change the fact that he is as committed as he's going to get, and understanding why will only get you so far, really.

It's not wrong to want to be married, amazonian. You're not the only one in your boat, either. I don't know what will happen with you, but I can support you in your desire to be married. i just got married, myself, at the age of 40, with a 10-year-old daughter. Yes, there are men out there that want to do this. You're just not dating one of them.

[Junket]

a little voice inside me says that if he loved me as much as I love him, he would just HAVE to propose and want to marry me. It slowly erodes my self esteem - why not, whats wrong with me, etc.

Ever consider that a little voice inside him says that "if she loved me as much as I love her, she would stop fussing over a proposal"?

I'm just saying, you have a very clearly defined idea as to what kind of love you seek and you're only disappointing yourself by assuming he holds the same definition.

That's the imbalance I'm referring to. He may never be interested in ever marrying another woman, no matter how much he loves her, while you think that somewhere out there, there is a woman he would love enough to marry, simply because that's a standard you hold to yourself.

Is that making any sense?

[Mish]

And as for asking why he can't tell me he loves me more than anyone else he's ever been with, he just says "he won't compare" and if he's with me, and he loves me, whats the problem...
But for some reason this makes me feel really insecure! Why can't he say it?

Amazonian, if it's of any consolation to you, I have had a number of people tell me that they love me more than anything else in the world only to leave not too long afterwards. If I had to choose between them saying these obviously meaningless words and not say anything at all, I would choose the later. These words don't really guarantee anything.

[Sureality]

He's pretty much just said, he doesn't believe in marriage and that he can't and won't promise the future.

You need to understand exactly why "he can't and won't promise the future" find out so that you know your making the right choice for the right reasons.

And as for asking why he can't tell me he loves me more than anyone else he's ever been with, he just says "he won't compare" and if he's with me, and he loves me, whats the problem...
But for some reason this makes me feel really insecure! Why can't he say it?

This aint about him at all this is your insecurity, making him pay for it is unfair and unproductive.

I'm not an inexperienced or young person, and I can usually spot BS and/or common sense from a mile away, but I really thought that he was going to share and reciprocate my sentiments by now. ???
Wish I could just accept all of this, but I just cant!

You need to get rid of your expectations and find a way to love him and accept him unconditionally, if you can't then it is best for you to move on.

[amazonian]

Hmmm, you guys have given me so many things to think on. Soul searching is so painful at a time like this - I just want to be back in his arms... I see commonsense in so much that has been said. The heart is a strange and complicated thing (especially mine).
Maybe I watched too many fairy stories when I was a kid! Unconditional love, eh. I guess so. It doesn't help that my family and a few of my close friends are all biased with me over the marriage issue - it's been great to hear so many different perspectives here. It actually suprised me a little.
Would he even want me back? Can I control myself. I wonder how I will go at this one. Should I leave him alone? Love and compatibility CAN be bloody hard to find (especially when, as I am, older with children). Today is our 4th anniversary and it's killing me that he hasn't contacted me. Stupid, hey, why would he! I gave him the ultimatum and he took it. If I contact him, I have to know that I can let it go, wish he would contact me, but I know he wont. BLAH, ARGHH!!. It's so important to either let it go decently or really know whether or not I can live without marriage commitment? Grief makes me want to just try and get him back, head says sort it out Girl Almost feel like kicking myself in the arse (if I could !!!)

[misombra]

has he contacted you at all since the break up?

[amazonian]

no, not a word

[Junket]

I fixed the spelling in your thread title.

I apologize that it looks as if I edited your original post, but I didn't make any other change than changing "heat" to "heart".

Anyway, I guessed you were raised more traditionally, and that your friends and family would support those ideals.

What it all boils down to is the fact you and this man cannot agree with what kind of relationship you'd both like to have. Neither of you are at fault, and there's nothing "wrong" with you, that I can see.

It's funny because I believe I will one day be in a similar position as your love interest.

I have little to no interest in marriage despite my love, commitment and faithfulness to my girlfriend of 2 years. She, while content with how things are now, still believes in traditional marriage, even if it is harder to retain these days, than it may have been.

I know you may feel like tossing the issue to the side all together and just running back to him, but you'd be acting out of complete emotional distress, and it wouldn't do anything to fix this issue.

Keep thinking on it.

We'll still be here.

[amazonian]

Thanks Frasbee, it's amazing how much these matters of the heart hurt and confuse. If you do face the same problem, I really feel for you both. This is *****d. I am doing my absolute best to try and let it cool down a little and think it through. Funnily enough, it may not even matter - who knows what he is thinking? I could be wasting valuable emotion on a subject that has been closed. (That thought takes my breath away). I will admit though, I am in emotional distress - I'm just so very very sad. I know that if it's meant to be, blah blah, but that doesn't change my feelings on the matter at the moment
Would you marry her rather than lose her? If it means that much to her? Would you let her go?

[Junket]

Well, remember, I don't have kids, am still young, and independent.

Your age, kids, and the fact both of you have already been divorced changes things.

If my girlfriend were to confront me tomorrow and tell me it's marriage or nothing?

I would choose nothing.

I'm not saying it would be easy, I wouldn't go down without a fight, but last time I checked with her, we were equals, I would not tolerate her telling me how to hold up my end of the relationship.

I look at it this way.

I already know the kind of person I want to be with would never try to muscle me into marriage. So no matter how great she may be, once she crosses that line, she's tossed into the dump pile.

[Indignant]

If my girlfriend were to confront me tomorrow and tell me it's marriage or nothing?

I would choose nothing.

I'm not saying it would be easy, I wouldn't go down without a fight, but last time I checked with her, we were equals, I would not tolerate her telling me how to hold up my end of the relationship.

I look at it this way.

I already know the kind of person I want to be with would never try to muscle me into marriage. So no matter how great she may be, once she crosses that line, she's tossed into the dump pile.

wow, i can't believe you'd dump your girlfriend cuz she wants to have security in her life.

[Junket]

wow, i can't believe you'd dump your girlfriend cuz she wants to have security in her life.

How does marriage provide security?

EDIT: And security from what?

[Cain]

wow, i can't believe you'd dump your girlfriend cuz she wants to have security in her life.

Not everyone feels that marriage is a necessity. While I eventually want to get married, I can understand where Fras is coming from. His ideal woman wouldn't threaten him with a breakup if she didn't get what she wanted.

[Indignant]

How does marriage provide security?

EDIT: And security from what?

It's an emotional security.