Twenty-One

[StrawberryHeart]

alright... i talked to him about going to a restaurant or somewhere else instead so that I can join him, and he will not have it at all. He is set on going to the bars, which i can't go to yet. What really concerns me is that he is going with a big group of people and the only person that I know is his roommate.

So I suggested to my bf (via text) that we could all go out sunday night for dinner or something just so that we can all get to know each other before they all go out on monday. He replied and said, "I dont know. They dont all know each other. Yet." So i said, well arent you all going out together to the bars? and he responds with, "I shouldnt have to do that. you should trust me." I explained that I just want to meet them before they all go out. and then he said he cant because he has a test on monday. I said, "you cant just spare an hour or two for dinner?" and he said he will talk to me later.

I feel paranoid and dont know if I am overreacting. I just dont know these people that he is going out with and I would like to meet them. Especially because one of the girls he invited is in two of his classes this semester. He told me that they are getting to be good friends. He told her about an issue that we are having about living arrangements. And he wouldnt answer my phone call one night because he was giving her a ride home from school... even though she lives like two blocks away.

I dont know, we have just never had something like this come up and we have been together for three years. Am I being paranoid, or could he be hiding something?

[Cain]

I think you're being paranoid. It's his 21st birthday and he wants to be at the bar right when the clock hits midnight. You need to realize that these people might not want to all group up for dinner just to appease you.

Do you trust him or not? If you say yes... then stop worrying about it. If you say no... then you shouldn't even be in this relaitonship.

[carl1222]

So my boyfriend's 21st birthday is coming up. I won't be 21 for another 2 months. Last week he told me that he was going to the bars at midnight with his roommate and a friend from school. I was fine with that. But now, the group has grown to include some more people including a girl that his roommate is friends with and a girl in one of his classes and some other people.

I felt hurt that he had invited all of these people to what he now calls his "party" because he didn't invite me. I know I'm not 21 yet, so is it right that I feel hurt? I asked him if I could go too, and he said "no, he doesnt make the rules (about me not being able to get in since im not 21 yet)". I even offered to be the designated driver, but he said that he didnt want me to do that because I had school the next morning.

Do I have a right to be upset, or am I blowing it out of proportion?

You are blowing it WAY out of proportion. Turning 21 is a rite of passage that signifies that he now has ALL the rights associated with being an adult. You know this is how he is looking at it ... why else would he arrange to arrive at the bar just after midnight on the morning of his birthday?

So he arranged with a few buddies to join him and help him celebrate this special occasion by meeting him at a club where mere minutes earlier he would have been turned away because he was too young. Unfortunately, you are a little too young to be able to join him or I'm sure you would have been happily included. Now, the party in his honor has grown by the inclusion of a few more people, one of whom happens to be a single girl .... big deal!

By pi**ing in his cheereos over this you are coming across as being clingy and jealous ... two VERY unattractive qualities. So stop haranguing him about it and let him go celebrate for a few hours with his friends ... then do something special later in the day or evening to celebrate his birthday together.

There's nothing wrong with you and your girl friends enjoying a "girls' night out" at Chippendales, but if you do that on YOUR 21st birthday, you will add "petty and vengeful" to your list of faults. Remember, it isn't HE who is excluding you, it's the law, so lighten up and wish him a good time.

Carl.

[vashti]

I dont know, we have just never had something like this come up and we have been together for three years. Am I being paranoid, or could he be hiding something?

I dunno. As I said before, I never had a boyfriend that would intentionally ditch me for a party, not even for his 21st birthday. It's hard for me to imagine a guy that's crazy about you not trying to include you.

Are there other examples of him pushing you to the side in favor of hanging with other people who coincidentally include females? Why don't you trust him? (I'm not saying you should.)

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

I think you're being paranoid. It's his 21st birthday and he wants to be at the bar right when the clock hits midnight. You need to realize that these people might not want to all group up for dinner just to appease you.

Do you trust him or not? If you say yes... then stop worrying about it. If you say no... then you shouldn't even be in this relaitonship.

So in other words, his friend's outlook on everything is more important than hers? Alright.

I dont think it is blown out of proportion. I do believe there is trust issues because she is bringing up this one girl, but I still think it is reasonable.

He refuses to go out somewhere his girlfriend is able to attend. As mentioned before there are clubs where they serve alcohol but 18+ is allowed without the ability to drink unless 21+. What is wrong with going there? Are they less fun?

Damn, I think you guys are taking this too lightly. He refuses to answer her phone calls when carrying this particular girl home? Is that not a bad sign anymore???

[StrawberryHeart]

Are there other examples of him pushing you to the side in favor of hanging with other people who coincidentally include females? Why don't you trust him? (I'm not saying you should.)

I really do trust him. I just dont trust the people that he is going to be with because I don't know them. Who knows if they will all get real drunk (which they will) and maybe one of the girls starts majorly hitting on him and starts kissing him or something... And I say this because one of the girls that I work with pretty much preys on taken guys and gets them to cheat on their girlfriend. I know that he wouldnt do that in a normal situation...BUT with the mixture of being in the moment of getting drunk and having fun, I just cant trust these other girls that I havent met yet. I really love him, and I dont want him to make a stupid mistake because I wont stay with him if something were to happen.

[vashti]

No offense strawberry, but if you trusted him 100%, you wouldn't be worried about this. My husband wouldn't DREAM of going out to celebrate a birthday without me, especially if other women were going to be there. He loves me and wants to be with me.

I'm inclined to understand your concerns. I'm not sure what you can do other than give him the rope he needs to hang himself with. Something may or may not come of this, only time will tell.

[carl1222]

I dunno. As I said before, I never had a boyfriend that would intentionally ditch me for a party, not even for his 21st birthday. It's hard for me to imagine a guy that's crazy about you not trying to include you.

Are there other examples of him pushing you to the side in favor of hanging with other people who coincidentally include females? Why don't you trust him? (I'm not saying you should.)

How in the world is he "intentionally ditching her" for a party, Vashti?

First, how is he supposed to "try to include" her if they are going somewhere where she's not allowed? It would be like her getting angry and feeling "ditched" because she can't follow him into the men's room!!!!

Second, how is he "pushing her aside"? What were they planning to do at midnight on a Monday morning?

I just wonder why you are trying so hard to feed and encourage her mistrust since there is not a speck of rational reason for it mentioned in her posts?

She's making a HUGE mistake here, that will have a much more negative effect on her relationship than any innocent middle of the night GROUP birthday bash could ever have.

Carl.

[vashti]

It's HIS birthday. I think that means he could choose the venue, which COULD be a place where she would be allowed. He's choosing NOT to do that. I don't know what he's up to, but that isn't generally the way people behave when they are in relationships.

EDIT: This would be a different story if it were an all-male party,

[StrawberryHeart]

thanks for being so honest, but nice about it, vashti. I see what youre saying.

I do trust him, so Im just going to wish him a fun time when he goes out. I guess I wanted to be more of a part of his 21st birthday. I know for a fact that if I turned 21 first, I would go somewhere that he could join me. Anyways... After his midnight bar run, he is going to the local casino with his dad. On his birthday, we are going out to dinner with his parents. and then that weekend, he and his parents are going to vegas for a couple days. Maybe I should offer to take him out to dinner the day after his birthday so that I feel like I get a chance to celebrate with him? This is just really different than the last couple years...it used to just be the two of us, and this year we dont have anything planned just for the two of us.

[carl1222]

It's HIS birthday. I think that means he could choose the venue, which COULD be a place where she would be allowed. He's choosing NOT to do that. I don't know what he's up to, but that isn't generally the way people behave when they are in relationships.

What he's "up to" is having a midnight 21st birthday bash with some friends in a BAR ... she's only 20, so she's not allowed there!!!!!!

Sure, he could pick the venue to include her, but what fun would it be to celebrate your first few hours of being "of age" in a soda shop?

This isn't even a gender thing ... I can't count on both hands the number of girls I know who did the same thing on their 21st birthdays!

Monsters in the closet, Vashti.

Carl.

[vashti]

If you have monsters in your closet, post your own thread. In the meantime, you are entitled to your opinion, and I am entitled to mine.

BTW - the link I posted was for an 18+ club that serves alcohol. There are options like this is most large cities. In fact, Sunset Blvd. is LINED with clubs like this that attract top-level talent: The Viper Room, The Whiskey, Troubador, The Key Club, The Rainbow... I bet there is more available than you are willing to admit.

[StrawberryHeart]

Sure, he could pick the venue to include her, but what fun would it be to celebrate your first few hours of being "of age" in a soda shop?

Carl.

Maybe it wouldnt be as fun, but it would show that he respects me enough not to have his own party (with girls). I honestly would not care if it were just guys-I wrote that in my first post. I was fine when it was just him and his roommate and a friend. But now there are more people including girls. I just want to celebrate with him.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

The guy didnt even take into consideration that his girlfriend can not come along. What she does doesnt matter obviously. He didnt even try to think of a solution where everyone is happy. Not just his friends, but his girlfriend also. To me it seems as if his friends are more a priority than his girlfriend because he'd rather spend his birthday excluding his girlfriend.

And what is wrong with being introduced to the friends? Whats wrong with going out to dinner THEN going to the bar with your friends?

And why is it wrong if she decides to have a birthday outing without him too? He intentionally kept her out of his because he did not want to include her, so why cant she do the same?

[carl1222]

thanks for being so honest, but nice about it, vashti. I see what youre saying.

I do trust him, so Im just going to wish him a fun time when he goes out. I guess I wanted to be more of a part of his 21st birthday. I know for a fact that if I turned 21 first, I would go somewhere that he could join me. Anyways... After his midnight bar run, he is going to the local casino with his dad. On his birthday, we are going out to dinner with his parents. and then that weekend, he and his parents are going to vegas for a couple days. Maybe I should offer to take him out to dinner the day after his birthday so that I feel like I get a chance to celebrate with him? This is just really different than the last couple years...it used to just be the two of us, and this year we dont have anything planned just for the two of us.

Good for you, StrawberryHeart!

And your description of his plans (seeing his dad afterwards) only convinces me more that the bar run is totally innocent. Don't worry ... this is only a one-time thing.

I can understand your disappointment in not having alone time on his birthday, but believe me, you are probably better off not going to the "bar run." So just wish him the best and the happy birthday I'm sure you hope he has.

The Tuesday plan sounds spectacular.

Carl.