I've always wondered...

[Cain]

Oh in that case, no, he's not worth my time. I was right there and apparently he thought she was the better fit for him. I'm not really willing to play that kind of game. The relationship probably would not be that great. I would really feel like leftover. [That may not be the case, but either he or I would seem desperate to me.]

And this is why this topic is so intriguing. Pride plays a huge part in the decision here. No one likes the idea of being second best. But is what he did really that wrong? He had options but she had the better first impression. How would he not be worth your time? Why not look at it like what could you have done better to make yourself look better than that girl?

I am completely playing this neutral. I can understand from a hurt pride perspective and I can understand it from a shit happens perspective.

Anyone else? I'd like more opinions.

[IndiReloaded]

Under the circumstances you describe, Cain, I don't think it would be a big deal. There are always reasons why one option might seem better at the time (distance or school being simple examples) where all else seems equal.

However, in a case such as your ex, where she actually LEFT you for the chance with someone else, that would be a no-return situation for me. One makes one's bed and then lies in it, I think.

But then, one hears about old flames and exes who find each other again later in life. Autumn romances. Those couples often do very well, I suppose b/c whatever circumstances drove them apart are no longer issues or they grew up, but whatever attraction was there remains.

Pride alone is a stupid reason to deny oneself an otherwise good relationship.

[Cain]

Under the circumstances you describe, Cain, I don't think it would be a big deal. There are always reasons why one option might seem better at the time (distance or school being simple examples) where all else seems equal.

However, in a case such as your ex, where she actually LEFT you for the chance with someone else, that would be a no-return situation for me. One makes one's bed and then lies in it, I think.

But then, one hears about old flames and exes who find each other again later in life. Autumn romances. Those couples often do very well, I suppose b/c whatever circumstances drove them apart are no longer issues or they grew up, but whatever attraction was there remains.

Pride alone is a stupid reason to deny oneself an otherwise good relationship.

I'm glad you responded. I was actually looking for a response from you and vash on this as well.

I definitely agree that if someone leave you for someone else then there should be no chance that you take them back.

It's hard to set aside pride as can be evidenced by a few that have already answered. You kind of feel discarded and like you weren't as important. But can you really place any blame on that person? I don't think so. Not unless they did something to earn your ire.

The problem is that do you, as a person, really feel like someone would choose you over anyone else? I don't mean would your husband choose someone else over you right now after all of the history you have. I mean if you could imagine your husband's perfect woman and you were competing with her for the first month, do you think you'd have been chosen?

More responses wanted. If Elle can get a ****load of replies to her shit threads then I better get some here.

[DoesntMatter]

Why does it matter Cain, you fuccking faggot-ass bitch

[IndiReloaded]

The problem is that do you, as a person, really feel like someone would choose you over anyone else? I don't mean would your husband choose someone else over you right now after all of the history you have. I mean if you could imagine your husband's perfect woman and you were competing with her for the first month, do you think you'd have been chosen?

I am my husband's 'perfect woman', tho. I chose him after all his bright plumage displays, not the other way around.

But I know what you mean. I think some men and women have differing ideas about this. From my experience, and I mean this generally, men tend to be more definitive about their woman once they've decided on one. She's it, and that's all folks, end decision making process. You know this mindset yourself, Cain.

Women tend to want to keep their options open a bit more, esp when younger. That 'fickle monkey' thing, I mentioned before. I haven't seen too many guys exhibit this behaviour unless they are already in a relationship that they know isn't going to last. Placeholder GFs and that kind of thing.

So, not sure how this helps your question except that, as a woman dating, I would be way more wary of a guy dumping me or choosing some other gal over me. It doesn't seem to be a guy's way unless they KNOW the gal isn't what they really want. Harder to say for a girl, except she might be more confused and fickle?

[lesa]

And this is why this topic is so intriguing. Pride plays a huge part in the decision here.

It's not just pride. Haven't you heard that love is stronger than pride?

I would probably sense that the guy is a waste of my time. He didn't give me a chance before but now he does. Why? Really...

[lesa]

I'm glad you responded. I was actually looking for a response from you and vash on this as well.

I definitely agree that if someone leave you for someone else then there should be no chance that you take them back.

It's hard to set aside pride as can be evidenced by a few that have already answered. You kind of feel discarded and like you weren't as important. But can you really place any blame on that person? I don't think so. Not unless they did something to earn your ire.

The problem is that do you, as a person, really feel like someone would choose you over anyone else? I don't mean would your husband choose someone else over you right now after all of the history you have. I mean if you could imagine your husband's perfect woman and you were competing with her for the first month, do you think you'd have been chosen?

More responses wanted. If Elle can get a ****load of replies to her shit threads then I better get some here.

I said that very thing. Although probably not as well. If you knew me in person you would know I chose love over pride in some cases. Love makes you do stupid things anyway. I'm imagining your particular scenario without all the "what ifs". Without the "what ifs" it would be strange to me. I dated him, he declined to get to know me but then comes back to me after a month?

It doesn't matter if he had another date or if he was just busy, if I had a date with a man and he "disappeared" for a month with no valid reasons (death, sickness) he is not a quality man for me. If he had other women, he should have dated them both at the same time and quickly made his decision to enter a relationship with the "winner".

He needs to make up his mind and what he wants. I'm not waiting for him to come around. Maybe an 18 year old would but not me. When women get to my age, she doesn't bs with dates like that. I can really imagine this now. He is seriously a waste of her time from her perspective.

There was not enough attraction and we are not a good fit. Otherwise he would be excited. Like you said, "what does she need to do to catch his attention?" She did everything that was normal for her. They are not a good fit. For example, if he desires a woman that always wears makeup in public and dresses very nicely but the girl he went on a date or two does none of those things naturally, she is a waste of his time. If he didn't like the music she played in her car and it drove him nuts then she is not the woman for him...they are wasting time if they try. You get my point. They shouldn't fake who they really are.

If he is not excited to be with me...if I don't turn on his reserve buttons then I am a waste of his time. It's not about pride.

[lesa]

I am my husband's 'perfect woman', tho. I chose him after all his bright plumage displays, not the other way around.

But I know what you mean. I think some men and women have differing ideas about this. From my experience, and I mean this generally, men tend to be more definitive about their woman once they've decided on one. She's it, and that's all folks, end decision making process. You know this mindset yourself, Cain.

Women tend to want to keep their options open a bit more, esp when younger. That 'fickle monkey' thing, I mentioned before. I haven't seen too many guys exhibit this behaviour unless they are already in a relationship that they know isn't going to last. Placeholder GFs and that kind of thing.

So, not sure how this helps your question except that, as a woman dating, I would be way more wary of a guy dumping me or choosing some other gal over me. It doesn't seem to be a guy's way unless they KNOW the gal isn't what they really want. Harder to say for a girl, except she might be more confused and fickle?

Very nicely said. When a man is sure, he doesn't BS as much as a woman...especially the young ladies.

[Cain]

Lesa, I don't think you're actually understanding my scenario. Let me try to explain it a bit better.

There is a man that meets two people at the same time. At this moment he is just dating around to find someone he likes. After a bit, he realizes he likes both people. Unfortunately, he can't date both. He has to pick one even if he likes them both nearly equally. If he picked one and the relationship failed later, would you not be willing to give him a chance because he picked someone other than you?

The month comment I made was just that he knew both women for equal length of one month.

[IndiReloaded]

There is a man that meets two people at the same time. At this moment he is just dating around to find someone he likes. After a bit, he realizes he likes both people. Unfortunately, he can't date both. He has to pick one even if he likes them both nearly equally. If he picked one and the relationship failed later, would you not be willing to give him a chance because he picked someone other than you?

The month comment I made was just that he knew both women for equal length of one month.

A month isn't enough to get to know any person, really. Especially if you are only casually dating. Why not be friends with both of them, get to know each of them better and then decide? Or date them both? I thought nowadays dating doesn't = exclusive relationship unless its been made explicit or you've gotten sexual.

Honestly, after only that short a time I can't see how anyone could be offended by one person being 'chosen' over another. How the heck could they even know each other, unless they are girlfriends or something? In which case, that old "friends don't date another friend's exes" would apply.

[Cain]

A month isn't enough to get to know any person, really. Especially if you are only casually dating. Why not be friends with both of them, get to know each of them better and then decide? Or date them both? I thought nowadays dating doesn't = exclusive relationship unless its been made explicit or you've gotten sexual.

Honestly, after only that short a time I can't see how anyone could be offended by one person being 'chosen' over another. How the heck could they even know each other, unless they are girlfriends or something? In which case, that old "friends don't date another friend's exes" would apply.

No matter the time, though, it's still a bit of an ego killer. Regardless, the person was still chosen over you so that means that they had the better first impression than you did. So... you lost.

Now, does that mean that the person should never be given a chance because they didn't pick you? Nah.

[UKboy]

Lesa, I don't think you're actually understanding my scenario. Let me try to explain it a bit better.

There is a man that meets two people at the same time. At this moment he is just dating around to find someone he likes. After a bit, he realizes he likes both people. Unfortunately, he can't date both. He has to pick one even if he likes them both nearly equally. If he picked one and the relationship failed later, would you not be willing to give him a chance because he picked someone other than you?

The month comment I made was just that he knew both women for equal length of one month.

Isn't this a commonly gone through process by man people?Whether they're the rejected or the "broken Up"?
I think for most people,whether the decision the rejector made was pure genuine or not,the rejector would always be left with a bittersweet feeling which trigger the pride.
Rejection always does that whether it's the chosing of a mate or a job.The good loser exemplication doesn't exisit truly.At best,it is pure display of a 'smile'.
Let me try to relate.I've always been the guy who doesn't play games,make my intention known head on.I dislike the cat and mouse games or the player tactics.In short,i lay my cards before the girl and do my best to pursue her.
Funny thing is,we all know that girls at 20 are still fickle minded and are trying to gather as much option as possible so that once that is done,she can finalise.
This would be a classical scenarion of doing your best but yet remaining as an option.How does that feel?
You have almost everything.The looks,personality,charecter but lose out because some girls wants to have as many option as possible,leaving you as her cards.
If she does wants me back,it's gonna be bittersweet and i'll give her a chance but i'll make it known to her that she has to work for it.She had it going for her but she dismissed me.
I have to say that while i'm a confident person,rejection tears my self esteem and ego.If anyone been through the phase of having the self esteem torn,they'll know it's almost impossible for them to pursue that girl whom they love again.Not because you love her any less but because you just need the confidence and esteem when you approach the person.
I told once before "I made you exclusive but you didn't appreciate,you could try an work for it but i won't be doing any work and at the mean time,i'll be doing casual dating too,if you can't take it,leave,you owe me nothing"

What's even worst when they neglect your friendship for that relationship.Virtually makign you a place holder.Such happenings makes you do alot of circular questionings.

Nobody likes to be second no matter waht reasons the rejector made.It makes you feel too easy if you allow them to return to your life once they've had their fun.

[lesa]

Unfortunately, he can't date both.

Why can't he date both? He's not "sexing" them is he? He's not really physically intimate with these strangers is he? It's only a date and not a relationship. I don't want a confuse boyfriend anyway.

I don't want a man that sex almost every date he has.

He can date them both and then chooses. She has the final word on it though....

[Cain]

Why can't he date both? He's not "sexing" them is he? He's not really physically intimate with these strangers is he? It's only a date and not a relationship. I don't want a confuse boyfriend anyway.

I don't want a man that sex almost every date he has.

He can date them both and then chooses. She has the final word on it though....

You're assuming that everyone likes to do that. Some people don't because they don't want to hurt someone. Some people don't like to date someone for several months before trying a relationship.

[IndiReloaded]

What's even worst when they neglect your friendship for that relationship.Virtually makign you a place holder.Such happenings makes you do alot of circular questionings.

That's not a placeholder. That's a "PlanB". A placeholder is a dating or relationship partner who is "holding" that place until someone better, or someone they are waiting for, comes along. The key point is that one partner knows his/her dating partner is not what they are looking for longterm.

E.g. Guy loves girl but girl is dating his friend. So guy dates some other gal for sex but isn't really interested in a permanent relationship. That 'other gal' is a placeholder.

That's just one example. There are lots of variants of this.