Torn... Part II

[Mish]

We had the talk... We worked on our issues... Things went well for a couple of months... And then all of a sudden it was like full blown war in our house... Everything I said, he thought I was disrespecting him or being rude. When in reality I was just giving him the same shit he was giving me. I know... I know... Two wrongs don't make a right. But you know what. I'm not a doormat. I have feelings too. It's not my fault he can't handle what he dishes.

There are different ways how our feelings can be expressed. The tone can be positive expressive, it can be negative expressive or it can be down right mean and critical. Moderating the expression of our feelings is a key to maintaining a productive and progressive dialogue. If Indi is kind she will post a link to a great article to four horsemen of relationship doom that personally helped me.

There was genuine progress in your relationship until a regression occurred. I don't know the exact reasons, but I will guess and assume this regression was probably a result of mutual fallback towards negative expression of feelings, criticism, character assassination and contempt for the other person. While it's true that one partner can not really reset the tone of these mutual assaults, one partner can start tipping the scales back into a more positive expression by first and foremost listening and understanding, practicing empathic skills, looking for long term solutions (which may take a long time to achieve) and genuinely respecting their partner even when in a disagreement (I may disagree with you, but I respect you as a person). Sometimes it's true that when you lead by example, others tend to follow. If you are unable to lead by example then the question arises of how much you yourself contribute to the problem.

Last but not least, what are your expectations? Are you managing them properly? Are they prioritized and moderated? Or are they random of equal priority value and need to be resolved yesterday? You will find that every relationship has problems and sometimes all of them will not get resolved. The key is to eliminate or moderate the ones that cause the greatest amount of distress, some issues which are minor on the priority scale sometimes need to be let go.

[IndiReloaded]

Four Horsemen is John Gottmans stuff.

They are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The first article is, I think, a copy of the original info. The second link I post b/c it actually suggests specific solutions to this behaviour. Hope it helps.

[url]http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Four-Horsemen-of-Marital-Apocalypse&id=613411[/url]

[url]http://www.relationshipresourcecenter.com/html/fourhorse.html[/url]