Non-exsistent sex life after 3 yrs!! HELP!

[clintsgirl]

So, imagine you get sex once every 3 months. After a lot of pleading, and begging, and whatever else you did finally get sex... It was on their terms, how they wanted, when they wanted it, and never on yours.

Sex is very important and integral to a relationship, but it is also a good indicator of when something else is REALLY WRONG with your relationship. Especially when it drops off the radar.

Okay so you do have some points. We are both laid off and jobless. he sits on the pc all day, reading blogs, playing xbox, watching porn etc. he sleeps till noon. his day is complete lazinesses. i cook, clean, errands, kids, school, (i have one, he has 2 but one lives with us). i bring him drinks when hes' thristy, during the day i asked him if i can get him anything. I ask him maybe just maybe once a week to do something ( fix a leak, check oil, etc.) he will put it off, during all of this i dont complain i dont bitch etc. I just do my thing hoping things will get better. I pretty much take care of everything, like i am a single mom again, independent, but i have a 32 yr old man that does nothing, and ALL I ASK, is to have sex, once a week!!!!! Must be rough! i do see what you are saying, there must be really something wrong. I'm sick of trying, crying, complaining, about of all things sex. I love him more then anything, but i honestly cant live like this, sexless at 29. i'm not HOT, not ugly either, very classy, take, care of myself. He sees the other women my age at baseball games etc, and he knows i'm not horrible by any means. I take good care of his kids. I feel like a house maid, with ZERO perks. I'm not a cheater, and could never imagine being w/ another man. But in the same sentence i cant imagine "taking care of things myself" for the rest of my life.

[clintsgirl]

So, imagine you get sex once every 3 months. After a lot of pleading, and begging, and whatever else you did finally get sex... It was on their terms, how they wanted, when they wanted it, and never on yours.

Sex is very important and integral to a relationship, but it is also a good indicator of when something else is REALLY WRONG with your relationship. Especially when it drops off the radar.

Another thing Lite ... you make a wonderful point, about being on "there terms". I just honestly dont get it, how do u expect me to believe you, when you tell me you love me, your attacted to me, but you are just in a "sex slump" OH MY GOSH!!! I cant take it anymore

[clintsgirl]

Maybe he just doesn't want to sleep with you anymore because he finds it boring?

Lite...
I'm sorry i keep thinking of things to respond to you, and you are the only one to give me HONEST ADVICE. Not trying to toot my own horn, but im far from boring. so explain this.... Tonight around 9pm, i asked (so sad i ask for sex, anyways) He's like babe, i have to shower and shave. lets have fun sex sunday. I get that feeling in my stomach where i want to strangle him (obviously i dont). I say, awesome excuse, its 9 at night go take a shower, shave do what you have to do. He responds... I'm relaxing... of course while watching some stupid videos online. He is starting to get the shity tone with me, i feel my blood boiling. trying my ass. your right lite something is wrong, seriously wrong. Oh ya and my altime favorite excuse "i'm being selfish" this sux, totally sexually deprived......

[vashti]

If you aren't happy with him, get rid of him. He sounds like a lazy S.O.B. Why do you tolerate him? Do you really want this man to be the role model your children look up to? Yuck.

[Lite]

Another thing Lite ... you make a wonderful point, about being on "there terms". I just honestly dont get it, how do u expect me to believe you, when you tell me you love me, your attacted to me, but you are just in a "sex slump" OH MY GOSH!!! I cant take it anymore

Right, ask my ex wife why I divorced her... She'll list a bunch of reasons that make me look bad (and are true), none about herself and the one she won't ever list is, She wouldn't sleep with me. Married 2 years, she slept w/ me 5 times including the wedding night and honeymoon...

If everything you have listed is 100% accurate and true, then you need to kick his ass to the curb, or at least stop making his life so comfy. One of my friends called it a "Cleaning strike" where she would let the house get messy until he was so fed up, that he cleaned it. Only, she'd tell him she was on strike first.

Maybe he needs counseling, but the truth is he cannot be bothered to sleep with you... Because of whatever reason it is that is bugging him. Chances are he's depressed and doing anything he can to avoid responsibility, and output of energy. Which, isn't your fault. But you're also not holding him responsible for his end of tending to things.

[Lite]

Tonight around 9pm, i asked (so sad i ask for sex, anyways) He's like babe, i have to shower and shave. lets have fun sex sunday.

Yes, so, the answer you're looking for here is: "OK, You have turned me down for sex, AGAIN. Either you man the **** up and get your dick hard, or this relationship is not going to last much longer."

And no I'm not trying to single you out for things, I've been where you're at, only as a male, and it led me to do BAD THINGS because I made BAD CHOICES.

So, state your needs when it comes to sex, explain that either those sex needs are met over his desire to shower, shave, play wow, view porn, and if he is unable to make you a priority in your life, you will leave him and find someone who will.

Usually I say placing demands is a bad thing, but sometimes when it comes you things you need to be happy in a relationship, something you need from a relationship, they're ultimatums. They really are. "I need X from you, or I will ask Y am in a relationship with you."

Only, we're taught that this is confrontational, and confrontation is bad, and that talking calmly and rationally after we've cooled our heels...(which has nothing to do with effectively communicating btw... I can honestly look at my wife and say, "Could you please stop being a bitch to me?" and it won't start a fight, it will stop her attitude and make her rethink things. It's how we communicate.)

If that's how your relationship works, that's great. Other people communicate via arguments.

But, you need to put your foot down because he's using you unfairly. (Again, if you've put 100% truth out there... Like I said, I can give you a very long list of bad things I did to my ex wife and her to me...I'm no saint, but I'm also the one who tried to safe the marriage, and decided to end it.)

[Lite]

If you aren't happy with him, get rid of him. He sounds like a lazy S.O.B. Why do you tolerate him? Do you really want this man to be the role model your children look up to? Yuck.

He might not be a lazy SOB, but she might be taking too much care of him and not enforcing her boundaries and needs. Which means he's depressed, unemployed, and has simply stopped living up to his side of the bargain.

That doesn't mean he'll act like this long term, it's just where he's at now. Now if all of this existed before he lost his job, etc... Then yes I'd agree with you.

It doesn't make him any less responsible for FIXING HIS SHIT, but it does explain why he isn't perhaps a total loss. But, one needs to be told that they are burning through what good will they've earned, and that it will be harder to win back later rather than sooner...

[vashti]

He might not be a lazy SOB, but she might be taking too much care of him and not enforcing her boundaries and needs. Which means he's depressed, unemployed, and has simply stopped living up to his side of the bargain.

That doesn't mean he'll act like this long term, it's just where he's at now. Now if all of this existed before he lost his job, etc... Then yes I'd agree with you.

It doesn't make him any less responsible for FIXING HIS SHIT, but it does explain why he isn't perhaps a total loss. But, one needs to be told that they are burning through what good will they've earned, and that it will be harder to win back later rather than sooner...

For me, this is all academic. It all still comes down to the fact that they aren't married, and so she can easily be rid of him, and since she is responsible for children, I wouldn't put up with any of it. I don't believe in putting forth herculean effort to save non-marital relationships, especially when there are children involved. Life is short - why try forcing a square peg into a round hole? It just diverts your attention from the really important things, like your children.

[clintsgirl]

He might not be a lazy SOB, but she might be taking too much care of him and not enforcing her boundaries and needs. Which means he's depressed, unemployed, and has simply stopped living up to his side of the bargain.

That doesn't mean he'll act like this long term, it's just where he's at now. Now if all of this existed before he lost his job, etc... Then yes I'd agree with you.

It doesn't make him any less responsible for FIXING HIS SHIT, but it does explain why he isn't perhaps a total loss. But, one needs to be told that they are burning through what good will they've earned, and that it will be harder to win back later rather than sooner...

Lite, again you make some good points. And i'm far from perfect, but also far from horrible. Never had the cheating problem, my problem was spending money, and ive worked on it a ton. And he wasnt this bad w/ the non sex thing before he lost his job. He also says im a sex feen, cause "i need it" 3-4 times a week. I dont think its a feen, but if it is fine, i can accept that. He just pretty much says and thinks over and over, that he's in a slump and its his problem he has to fix. He understand why im upset, hurt and angry. It pisses him off when i "bust his balls" everyother day about it. And it hurts his manhood. And instead of me getting angry, crying etc.., I need to be "miffed" and stick by him if i really love him, and when it happens it happens. That he is working on it, i need to be patient. And as for last night, the big "oh i promise" i showered/shaved etc. What do you think happened??!?!?! NADA, NOTHING, NOPE!! this time he was to tired. So i began telling him his promises are crap, him trying is crap, and he keeps pushing me farther away. He rolls over (pillow over his head so he doesnt have to hear me anymore) falls asleep, i cant sleep cause im piss, sad etc. i go out in the family to watch tv and fall asleep. He wakes up i get shitty with him, he says I'm selfish, I'm selfish cause are sex life is beyond crap. Do you think its selfish?!?! Seriously?!?!

[elektra]

I have never heard of any man that willingly goes without having sex for a year. It's against their very nature.

I went through this when I was married. We didn't have sex for a year. I made the excuses...first it was 9 months of pregnancy, then the stress of a new baby...blah, blah. When I mentioned it to my uncle, he said "Guys need sex. He's either gay or he's getting it from someone else." Well, he wasn't gay...

How can you be so sure he isn't cheating on you? Since he spends so much time online, I think it is highly possible he could be having an online affair and having cyber sex. I had a bf who would exchange graphic photos and talk sex with a woman online and get off on it.

[misombra]

even if they were married, i had a friend who divorced over this very thing. no sex for years. eventually it turned into no birthday or christmas gifts, absolutely no effort at all. they went to counseling, she even convinced him to take shots of testosterone. when she finally said she wanted a divorce, that's when he told her he was hooked on porn.

[zepplica]

My advice: get rid of him NOW. I don't agree with anything Lite said, for a simple reason: he concentrated on what YOU are probably doing wrong, which sounds like minor things eg flowers in the bedroom, while your GUY, from the way you put it in your message sounds like he's lazy, unemployed, overweight(!), lets you do all the work and raise him like a kid, watches alot of porn(in a house where there are kids? what does he do, lock himself up?) etc etc.
This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, but more like a friggin abusive marriage. And YES, I do know that he doesn't beat you, but abuse can also be psychological, and the whole watching porn ignoring you thing...I'm guessing it's had not-so-good effects on you, what with the screaming and crying etc. If you think sex will solve your problems well, it really won't honey. I've seen cases like these. He's a scumbag. Seriously, you deserve someone better.

[Lite]

My advice: get rid of him NOW. I don't agree with anything Lite said, for a simple reason: he concentrated on what YOU are probably doing wrong, which sounds like minor things eg flowers in the bedroom, while your GUY, from the way you put it in your message sounds like he's lazy, unemployed, overweight(!), lets you do all the work and raise him like a kid, watches alot of porn(in a house where there are kids? what does he do, lock himself up?) etc etc.
This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, but more like a friggin abusive marriage. And YES, I do know that he doesn't beat you, but abuse can also be psychological, and the whole watching porn ignoring you thing...I'm guessing it's had not-so-good effects on you, what with the screaming and crying etc. If you think sex will solve your problems well, it really won't honey. I've seen cases like these. He's a scumbag. Seriously, you deserve someone better.

Ah yes, because she's a woman, and you're a woman, and solidarity and all that, the man must obviously be at fault, and he's abusive too!

Seriously? Grow the hell up.

I was specifically talking about whether or not the woman bothers to (That means have an effective conversation, not just talking endlessly in circles.) listen (The active version of hearing) to the man's needs.

The flowers in the bedroom is just one example of my marriage to a woman that didn't care what I wanted. Someone who was so self-engrossed in her own little world that my needs (Emotional, sexual, environmental due to my ADD) were completely ignored and dismissed as being important.

She responded clearly and honestly that she had considered her possible fault in the matter, and that he was exhibiting some behaviors. Rather than simply say he's a bum (because, we've never heard that before) I offered that because of their employment situation he was feeling depressed. I also stated that he was obviously not keeping up the necessary effort on his part to maintain the relationship in a healthy manner, and that she needs to enforce this boundary upon him. If he doesn't shape up, then his ass goes to the curb.

Nowhere in here is abuse even mentioned. Taking advantage of someone isn't abuse. Stop playing the womanly martyr card because it's fashionable. It's useless bullshit advice based on watching too much Oprah.

Pretty much, you're a moron that likes to pick and choose at what someone wrote rather than read all of it. You've focused on the most asinine portion of what was written and used it as the basis for your entire argument as to why I'm wrong.

I pity any man in a relationship with you, because it sounds like he's going to have to put up with a lot of useless crap from you.

[zepplica]

And I for one pity your wife if you have one, Lite. The "useless bullshit advice" isn't based on Oprah, who I can't actually watch in my country, but on the fact that my father too used to be unemployed, drank and sat all day around the house doing absolutely nothing while my mom brought all the money to the house, cleaned, cooked, raised us, in short worked around the clock, while my father yelled at her and called her stupid and blamed her for stupid things and so I grew up with the feeling that marriages of this kind are unfair. Doesn't it seem in the least unfair to you? Like at all? Seriously, it just sounds like the "woman as a martyr" crap all over again? If we view marriage as a trade, giving ALOT(money inclued) while receiving NADA in exchange is not fair.
Sure she's never gonna follow my advice I mean L-O-L divorcing just because some crazy chick on a forum told you too, and sure I may be wrong, we may all be, because we don't know all the sides of the problem, but maybe just maybe it'll trigger some thoughts and this woman will try to improve her marriage, but not only from her side(again, doing absolutely all the work involved in a marriage and then blaming YOURSELF for doing, saying, thinking who-knows what wrong, because men are so sensitive and need coaxing when they're having problems and the woman needs to be all by his side and kiss him when he's down and buy him some more porn and understand that he's going through tough times that could last 3 weeks or 3 months or 30 years).
Don't take the "you were wrong" thing personally. The advice you gave is actually great, but in a more normal marriage(again, judging purely on the parts I've heard. It may not be this way).
And as for the "Taking advantage of someone isn't abuse", fine then, taking advantage of someone =)). Put yourself in her position. How would you like it if someone toomk advantage of you in that same way? If YOU'd have to cook, clean, work, take care of kids and put up with a grumpy wife who won't lift a finger?(clintsgirl this has stopped being about you hon, sorry lol).
And please, just please, don't play the "oh poor little girl whose parents used to fight when she was little haha dumbass get over it go hang yourself" card. I was there every day when my uncle, who also used to be a drunk lazy ass who beat his wife, but then got run over by a car and got multiple sclerosis, hit my aunt with his legs while she was tending to him because he could no longer move his arms .But I guess she deserved it, right? Good thing that he also eventually stopped talking, that way he also stopped swearing. And other,even worse things. So excuse me if a try to help other women who seem to be at the very beginning of a situation like this. I'll just grow up and realize that equality can never be achieved, unless we all decide to immigrate in the 5 or so remaining socialist countries.

Peace.

[Lite]

I'll just grow up and realize that equality can never be achieved, unless we all decide to immigrate in the 5 or so remaining socialist countries.

Peace.

Do you honestly think that socialist countries are not still heavily ruled by patriarchal thinking?

No, I wouldn't pick on you for your past. However, as an adult you're responsible for dealing with the problems you have healing that trauma. You didn't cause it or ask for it, but it's still your job to ensure that you heal. Nobody else's

As for pitying my wife (Yes, I do have one and we're actually quite happily married, do things fairly equitably, and are generally just nauseatingly sappy around each other, but I digress.), who had a bad childhood, she wouldn't want your pity. She generally agree about many things when it comes to relationships, communicating effectively, openness, honesty, and working to maintain a health relationship.

I'm not perfect, I have my issues, she has hers, we work through them. As for who has caused the other the most harm and emotional damage, she wins that one hands down and freely admits it. I forgave her, she worked to heal her issues, we met up, fell back in love, and are now happily married.

I spent a few months last year unemployed due to a contract issue. Not one of my happier times in my life, but most of the time I managed to keep the house clean, do the chores, laundry, etc. However I would periodically have a week in which I didn't do so well, and she would pick up the slack, talk to me about how I was doing, and help me find ways to feel better about the situation I was in. People get depressed, or upset, or angry. It happens. I had a company jerk me around for 2.5 months about a start date on a contract. Short term it sucked, but long term it led me to a much better job that I enjoy far more.

I'm not a saint, I've made my good share of mistakes in the past. I've freely documented them here on the site with no excuse about my behavior beyond I was not equipped to make sound and healthy choices about my life at the time. My ex-wife, while unworthy of my love and affection, did not deserve some of the things I put her through. I admit that.

So, no, I don't care that you were abused beyond the simple matter of, "You might want to fix that before trying to date others." Which sounds harsh, but it's true. I don't post here to ask for love advice. I post here because I actually like helping people. If someone is unready or unwilling to listen to my advice after asking for it, that's not my issue.

While you will have to deal with inequality issues in your life, it is unfair of you to immediately claim that the man is at fault for a problem. Women cause just as many problems in relationships as men.

If you look around at posts, you will never see me encourage anyone to stay with someone who is abusive. Male or female. I've been on the receiving end of verbal abuse, it isn't fun to deal with.