Ex has new girlfriend and I can't seem to move on

[Yggdrasil]

sunflwr23,

what you have to do is start leaving your emotions out of reasoning.

This is basicaly what is happening: your brain still makes connections to happiness and being with him. Therefore you feel incomplete and unhappy. In other words, your brain hasn't accepted yet the relation is over (aka hasn't rewired itself).

This influences your thinking (reason) in ways that it makes you unhappy, that you are holding on to the past and that you have a hard time moving forward.

Awareness of what is happening on a biochemical level, will make you understand better why you feel the way you feel and think the way you think.

Now the good thing is that you consiously can 'rewire' your brain to associate happiness with something else than your ex.

This is called brain plasticity or neuroplasticity. I suggest to read up on these keywords, and I am quite sure you'll start understanding how what you think is how you feel and how you can overcome this just by slightly changing the way you think.

Hope this helps.

[sunflwr23]

That makes a lot of sense I will work on that some.

I just really don't understand this relationship he is in now and what the point of it is. Dating or being in a relationship someone with no intention of being with them long term doesn't make sense to me!!!! It's basically an exclusive non-serious relationship. And I don't know if that means he might still have deeper feelings for me-or maybe he just taking things slow with her and thing will develop. But I am so hurt- it's hard to find the strength to wake up in the morning. For the past 6 months I lived my life to improve myself waiting for him to come back. Hoping he couldn't stay away and meant what he said. Now I am in so much pain it's hard to function-thinking he may not want me back ever. I am back to not eating, sleeping, and crying all day. I'm can't stand to be left alone without being overcome with pain!!!!

[btworld]

Dating or being in a relationship someone with no intention of being with them long term doesn't make sense to me!!!! It's basically an exclusive non-serious relationship.

That may be the point of it right there. He's not ready for commitment, not even thinking about commitment. All he wants right now is to have fun dating/meeting other women, being able to call someone up whenever he feels like it and have company, not feeling lonely, etc., etc. Some people date just for the fun of it. They like to flirt and meet as many men/women as they like without the fear of settling down with them. They love the feel that meeting a new person has. It still has that warm, tingly, exciting feel to it. I've known a couple of people who will date someone, because they like that excitement of meeting someone new and being in an unpredictable relationship, and then once things start settling down and they've lost that "new" feeling, they move on to someone else to start it all over again. One friend dated 7 guys in one year, with no intentions of a long-term relationship.

For the past 6 months I lived my life to improve myself waiting for him to come back. Hoping he couldn't stay away and meant what he said.

That's exactly what he wants you to do. He wants to keep you hanging and doesn't want to let you go in case any of his future dates don't go well. Then he can come back to you and you'll be waiting for him, even though he's used your feelings for him without considering the hurt that he's put you through. The sad thing is, if he does get back together with you, it's not because he finally chose you out of all the women he's met, it's not because he truly cares about you and loves you, it's because you're a back-up plan. It's horrible, and you deserve better than that. Do you really want to be with someone who tells you to wait for him, just so that you can be there for him whenever he wants- even though he'll most likely get rid of you the second he meets someone else? And then continues to tell you to hold on? How much are you willing to tolerate? Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship where you truly are the one and only for that person, instead of being used? Think about it. He's preventing you from moving on, that's why it's so hard for you to get over it. You need to stop believing what he says, disattach yourself from him, don't call him, don't text him, really move on and believe that you don't deserve to be treated that way. Only you can do it for yourself.
I hope something I said helped.

[sunflwr23]

Why would he do that? What if what he says is true. That's what keeps holding me back from moving on. What if he just is not ready and needs some free time before he is ready to try and settle down. I don't want to be used by him but I am scared to give up on him. But he is with someone else now and even though it isn't serious he must still like her. How do I know that I am not another girl he just wanted to have fun with. I know he felt seriously about me but maybe not like I thought. Why is this so hard? Doesn't he realize how much this is hurting me?

[Gigabitch]

He doesn't CARE how much this is hurting you. He can't bear to lose you in his life? Give me a break. He's shredding you and you're totally allowing it.

Initiate No Contact at once. You need to break yourself of this addiction.

[sunflwr23]

I already am doing no contact! I just can't imagine life without him let alone with some other girl. How can he say he want seriously to be with me and then all the sudden be casually dating some other girl. Did he not mean it? Is there any chance he still has feelings for me? I just don't want this to affect me so much but I don't know how to move on!!!!

[Gigabitch]

No Contact goes both ways. You have to tell him to stop contacting you as well.

[ShyGuy81]

Sadly the only way that you are going to be able to move on is by accepting that it is over between you.

Who knows what he is thinking, or if he still has feeling for you but what he is doing is wrong and he is hurting you. He shouldn't keep telling that he is just casually seeing another girl, etc.

If you want it to stop hurting you have to forget about him, tell him that he can't keep contacting you any more and if he cares about you like he says he does then he has to stop as it is making you feel so bad. If he doesn't respect what you ask him then it shows that he doesn't care as much as he says he does and is not worth your time.

If you keep dwelling on it you will feel worse, not eating and sleeping will make you ill and no matter how much you loved somebody and how much they mean to you destroying yourself is not worth it.

When I broke up with my ex several years ago I didn't leave the house for a week, I was sick everyday, couldn't do my job, I was a wreck. All I did was want her back, and she treated me like crap! Eventually I realised that no matter what I did I couldn't change the past and started to go out and see my friends who I had been avoiding, despite them keeping contacting me to see if I was ok.

It's not easy, it really isn't and I am sure that nobody on her would tell you otherwise but once you take the first couple of steps and pick yourself backup it does start to get easier. Forget the guy, he has gone, if he isn't over you and he is just using this new girl to run away from his feelings let him, it will catch upto him eventually. The thing you need to worry about is you, focus on you and you will find a whole world out there full of amazing people that you can go and meet and start a new relationship with when you are ready.

Lee

[Yggdrasil]

I don't know how to move on!!!!

You don't know, or you don't want to?

I think you don't want to. All I hear is things like:

Does he still love me?
Why does he have someone else?
Did he not mean it?

The answer to those questions is: who gives a shit?

It's all about him in this thread and nothing about you.

So I will ask YOU a few questions:

Are YOU ready to move on?
Are YOU willing to accept your relation with him is over?
Are YOU willing to focus on yourself instead of him?
Are YOU going to stop beating dead horses?
Are YOU going to get a grip on reality?
Will YOU stop living in the past?
Will YOU start the healing process?
Will YOU stop kidding yourself?
Will YOU finally snap out of it and think about YOURSELF?

The only person hurting you right now, is.... YOU. Stop it. NOW.

Enjoy.

[cherylclean]

Same situation. My ex broke up with me, and two weeks later - boom he has a new girl in his life. Still, he messaged me every single day, waited online for me to buzz me.

The question is why? Well he wanted to keep me as his rebound. And he obviously did not love nor respect me pretty much.

Yeah that is easy to say, but hard to do. I still cry everyday when I talk about him. And I think of him every other moment. Is he going to come back to me after the girl is finished - who knows. The girl is ten years younger than him its almost considered illegal, and his bunch of single friends are twice the age of the girl - insane huh.

You need to have no contact. At all. Both ways. I had him appear at my door. Had that uneasy feeling in my stomach. Had all of all. In fact it still hurts because it has been only a few weeks.

But you (and I) need to understand that if a guy REALLY wants to be with you, he will. He won't give you all that bullshit and all. He will love, treasure and cherish you as if you are the ONE. And thats when you know that you found love.

[wendy_2008]

sunflower,

i know it's hard. i get devastated every day. can't help but to text/call him. he rejects me now but then act sweet later on. i've been in this cycle for five months. i know it's difficult. a friend once told me "in order to get him, you need to quit him first" i guess it's the difference between "need" and "want".

i think the first thing you should do it withdraw the supports for him right away! he needs to know. the day he broke up with you, he lost that priority. his feelings are not your reponsibilities anymore. let him be.

act like relationship with him was a dream. this person doesnt exist. wanting him back or not. dont be friends. it's too hard. i agree with btworld. he's keeping you as a safety net (intentionally or not). you should concentrate on yourself, from now on it's all about you. believe me, if they care bout you, they will come find you no matter what.

the day you start being friends with him is the day you are over him. good luck.

[sunflwr23]

I don't think ultimately I really am ready to let go. As much as this is hurting me he's exactly what I want and I was so happy and in love with him. I see tiny bits of hope in the fact leading up to the break up he seemed to feel the same. I try analyzing their relationship to get an idea of if he is telling the truth or lying to me (protecting me) about the situation. He says it's not serious but now she's fb friends with his mom and it just makes me sick!!! I don't know what I did wrong. Some friends say if he wanted to be with me he would or not being ready for a serious relationship is a cop out excuse- but others say we had a future and things were getting serious and it scared him and is not what he wanted although he really cared for me. I don't know who to believe or what to gather of what he's told me. I don't understand why he is dating this girl if he doesn't see it going anywhere and I don't know how to tell if they really have more going on.

[spicker]

Honestly, STOP blaming yourself.
Stop putting yourself down.
YOU are better than him!

Coming from a guy when a guy really loves someone he would never just walk away like that guy is, and if he playing games with you...why would u want to waste your time on him.

First step:
YOU and HIM are never getting back together. ACCEPT IT!
2nd:
complete cut-off.
no txting, calling, meeting up. Nothing.

Don't put up with his shit. He just likes having control over you.

[sunflwr23]

How can that be true if people get back together all the time? Couldn't he have just gotten scared? I'm too scared to give up hope-it's too hard and it's hurts so much.

[ShyGuy81]

How can that be true if people get back together all the time?

This is not entirely accurate and there are many circumstances.

Firstly you have the people that have that off and on relationship type of thing where for some reason they keep getting back together but then split up and then get back together. Clearly there is something wrong in their relationships as it doesn't work hence why they keep splitting up. I am going to go out on a limb and say that is probably because they never fully move on so are not happy in future relationships so go back.

You then have the people that break up, stop contacting each other and move on with their lives. Somewhat later down the line they may run into each other, get chatting and an old flame may spark back up and they may decide to give it another shot. As they have had sometime apart and moved on they are likely to be slightly different people when they get back together and it may work out better the 2nd time around. The key part is they had enough time apart to move on.

Obviously these are very broad but I would most people that get back together would fall either in these two or somewhere between them at least. I could be wrong as it is a very broad generalisation.

The trouble is at the moment you have not been apart or moved on so you will fall into the first category which means that as you have not moved on, worked on yourself and picked yourself back up if you get back together then there is a very good chance that it will fail again.

Couldn't he have just gotten scared?

He could have got scared, it is possible. What you need to remember though is that from what it looks like (and I am sure that many others in here agree as they have said the same) is that sadly he just seems to be stringing you along.

Ok so his relationship with this other girl may not be serious, that shouldn't matter to you. The simple fact is he is stringing you along and keeping you there for some reason, as a kind of fall back if it doesn't work out as he knows you are still waiting for him.

Now what I am about to say is very blunt and I mean no offence but these are the questions you have to ask yourself and I find that if I ask myself very blunt questions it can snap me out of the clouds for a moment to seriously answer the questions.

"Why am I waiting as his backup if all else fails?"

"Why should I put my life on-hold because he can't decide what he wants?"

"Why am I tearing myself apart for somebody is treating me so badly?"

"Why should he get to have all the fun while I remain miserable?"

I'm too scared to give up hope-it's too hard and it's hurts so much.

What you need to realise is it's not the giving up hope that is hurting, it is the clinging onto it that is hurting you. Everyday you hope that he will come back and he doesn't is another day that your hope is shattered as he doesn't come back. Everyday you keep renewing the pain so it will never end.

You will not be alone, there is somebody far better than him out there for you. It may not seem like it now but there is and when you have moved on you will find them.

Don't wait for him to come back as you can't control that, one thing I have learnt is that worry about things that you can't control is pointless as they are out of your control so there is nothing you can do.

What you can do is turn round to yourself and say enough is enough. As much as you still love him the relationship is over and that is the end of it. Put yourself in control, don't let him have control over you. It is the first step, and it is a big one however once you have taken it things will get easier.

Everyday you don't live with the hope that he is coming back is one less day that you have had you hope shattered which will in turn start making oyu feel better.

You need to take the step though and give up on him.

Lee