Marriage Proposal Disaster

[danyboy]

UPDATE:

Thanks to everyone on here whose provided me with some objective feedback. We spoke last night and really had it out. It felt good to tell her off completely and not let her cry and make excuses or try to blame it on me. Your help gave me the extra confidence that I needed. The comments and the way shes acted more recently helped me appreciate how low my confidence has gotten in recent years. I went from unemployment (resignation [long story]) and being completely broke to starting my own business from the ground up and finding security and success again. I will admit, though, that throughout this period she was loving and supportive and showed confidence in me. I'm not sure that I would have done it and been so successful if it wasn't for her. I think that I'm part of the problem because I want to be way too understanding and not put my foot down, which will cause a crying breakdown.

So, she cried a majority of the time on the phone a few hours, but really said that I was right and that she just doesn't know why she acts that way sometimes. I didn't hold my tongue or try to not upset her and in the end she apologized to me and thanked me for telling her the truth and that it can only make her a better person. She also said that she can understand why I wouldn't want her and that I deserve someone better.

Currently we are not together. We have to figure out how to move forward from here because she was going to move into the townhouse we rented when she moved over to this city. I don't hate her and I do still love her and know that she does love me, but we can both admit that she isn't ready to give someone the kind of love it takes for a relationship to last.

She wants to drive over tonight to talk, but I haven't decided if that was a good idea yet. What I really want is for her to get a true reality check; that I am not free and I won't be here if you treat me poorly or take me for granted. We've both really been through a lot together and grown a lot together as well. If she came I would take the ring back or have her pay for it (she wants to pay for it) and just start over and see what happens. Now we aren't engaged and don't have a looming wedding date, but I would be hard pressed to not give her a chance.

My question is that would this teach her the lesson that she needs to learn? I think I'm just being soft because I still love her and want to give her a chance to change. I just can't see myself completely abandoning the relationship. Taking a step back and making her tell her family and friends that the engagement is off would be a very strong slap in the face to her. One problem I have, though, is that if it can never work I don't want to waste my time in finding someone that is right for me.

[danyboy]

I really think that she is not appreciating your efforts to give her what she has wanted... Many years ago, I use to be like your girlfriend with my ex... I didn't learn my lesson until he dumped me... You have to let her go; otherwise, she will never understand that she has a very good man.
-Not unitil my ex left me, I was able to appreciate other relationships...I really don't thin her past is an issue... for me it was my dumb insecurities, I was afraid...I'm sorry, but she is not going to learn her lesson till you leave her... and when you do, mae sure you explain your reasons.

I know that she has deep self esteem issues and is terrified of failing. She also said that in the end I'll probably thank her. But, do you think calling off the engagement and making her tell her friends and family (she would be humiliated and very ashamed of herself) could accomplish the same goal? It's just hard for me to imagine her grown and mature with someone else.

[IndiReloaded]

but really said that I was right and that she just doesn't know why she acts that way sometimes.

Good for you, Dan. Now, get this straight in your head:

You just set a firm boundary for her. You showed her, clearly, you aren't a doormat she can wipe her feet on. This is a good thing for YOUR self-respect.

But don't mistake her backpedaling for anything other than her realizing you have teeth. That doesn't mean she cares about you. You need to figure this part out next.

The fact she caved under your righteous indignation doesn't say *anything* about what she has learned. Or that her attitude has changed in any way. In fact, her comment above 'I don't know why', is just a cop-out. This gal needs to figure out why she was such a bitch to you and DO something about it.

Re: your engagement, I think you should make your decision based on what you feel is best for YOU. Not to punish her or embarrass her (you don't sound the type, frankly). But, don't make a decision just to spare her the suffering of her crappy attitude. There are consequences to treating people like shit. The sooner she figures this out in life, the better a person she will be.

God, you could actually be one of those rare men who get to sort out most of his relationship crap *before* he gets married. Highly recommended.

[optimistvik]

Yeah even i also think that she is not at all interested in the proposal