Is it ever ok to take on a mistress in a marriage?

[IndiReloaded]

She is in default on that contract as today I'm treated cruely, cold and indifferent and my now 19 year old son also was forced to endure her cold black heart. I've honored my portion of the agreement. I just really don't see why this marriage should preclude my right to pursue the physical comforts I've been denied.

But you waited until your son grew up to say anything? In other words, you let him be abused by her and only now he's grown up are you doing something about it. And not for HIM. For YOU. If it was for him you would have acted much, much sooner.

You are starting to sound like a spineless whiner, Harte. And extraordinarily selfish. "Boo-hoo, my wife treats me like shit. She abuses my son....and I LET her. I don't protect my children at all."

I don't know what kind of husband you are, but, like Vash says: no marriage problems happen in a vacuum. She & I are both long time married. Way longer than you--we know better.

Time for some hard decisions, Harte. Are you going to do any better for your children this go around? This will mean taking a hard look at YOUR contribution to your marriage problems. I guarantee there are some, I can already sense several just from your posts.

Fixing a marriage and healing a family requires effort from everyone. Sure, your wife will be skeptical. You've given her plenty reason over the years. But someone has to bite the bullet and start the process. I hope for your kids sake you are up to the challenge.

[Harte]

Oh no not really indi, actually posted this thread just to field thoughts. Getting pretty beat up here on this one lol. I work from home, have for last 15 years, web developer for online brokerage house I'm a department head. So yeah while I'm posting I'm getting paid

I'll read the thread you recommended. thanks

[Harte]

No Indi my son has been a bone of contention since my wife and I had our first child together............

really u guys have this one wrong, I understand 2 sides to every story and your natural inclination to assign responsibility to both parties. I also know men generally are hard to except as victims in this society.

My error for revealing too much and leaving myself open.

[IndiReloaded]

Good. So this means you actually have a decent income. So, schedule marriage counselling, you can afford it. Your wife can also benefit from hearing from an objective third party that you do have points that are worth considering.

I know all about venting online to keep sanity. Its how I got here and its a remarkable tool for those inclined. All I can tell you is this: feelings flux. Give things enough time and the urgency disappears. But you have enough serious issues that its time to do more than wait things out. Your relationship's 'sane time' is when you need to actually start building things back up.

Does it suck that you are, perhaps, the more responsible one in your marriage? The one who will make things happen? Sure. But, that's just how it goes. Life is unfair. You decided to marry this gal & have a family. Now comes the time to actually be a *husband*. Do you know what this term actually means?

hus·band (hzbnd)
n.
1. A man joined to a another person in marriage; a male spouse.
2. Chiefly British A manager or steward, as of a household.

You say you are a manager? Good, then you know what it means to provide leadership.

Lead your family towards where you want them to go, Harte. Decide your ultimate goal (healthy home for your family? divorce?) and then do whatever you must to make it happen as efficiently and painlessly as possible for ALL involved.

Think about it. Good luck, Harte.

[IndiReloaded]

No Indi my son has been a bone of contention since my wife and I had our first child together............

I understand 2 sides to every story and your natural inclination to assign responsibility to both parties. I also know men generally are hard to except as victims in this society.

My error for revealing too much and leaving myself open.

But what did you do about it, except let her run over both of you?

I agree w/men being silent victims, just as often as women or more. But, I view this as the same type problem as a woman who would stay with an abuser & let her children be abused by him. Except, you were probably (with a job and an income), in a better place to actually leave her if things were that bad.

So, now here we are. You let your son grow up in a crappy environment. Didn't really do much about it. Certainly never took a stand. Now you are talking about abandoning your kids to the woman who would do this?

Yes, something sounds very wrong here.

Tell me, if you divorce, are you planning on fighting for sole custody of your kids? If she is that terrible and you really care for your kids, you'd better.

[Feonixbrimstone]

That's not what Wallace meant. He meant that your marriage is falling apart and you need to do some work to fix it instead of ruining it even further.

actually you misread. he said its it name only he made no hint of suggesting they fix it.

[IndiReloaded]

I'd like to point out that the only ones posting in Harte's threads who are above 30 and married are Vash, Giga and myself. Some expressed opinions, while amusing, come from a place of ignorance. Its not their life they are commenting on, in other words. Personally, I'd like to read some comments from guys like Carl and Lite and their take on Harte's situation. Also Ygg, whose been married longer than any of us, I think.

Just saying.

[Holly3278]

No, it is never okay to commit adultery!

[NeoSeminole]

I'm dying laughing here reading the responses from vashti and IndiReloaded. Such typical female crap, "let's blame the guy b/c women are the real victims." Nukka Puh-leaze! The guy has been doing his job to be a good husband and a father. God forbid he's a human being with physical urges. All he wants is sex but doesn't want to tear his family apart in divorce. Now ask yourselves, "Is sex really worth splitting up your family over?" Spare me your politically correct bullshit that he should stay in a sexless marriage. If his wife knows he's not satisfied with their sex life and does nothing to improve it, then he should be allowed to have a mistress.

[NeoSeminole]

IndiReloaded says:

"I'd like to point out that the only ones posting in Harte's threads who are above 30 and married are Vash, Giga and myself. Some expressed opinions, while amusing, come from a place of ignorance. Its not their life they are commenting on, in other words."

I'd like to point out how very wrong this comment is. If anything, those of us who are younger than 30 and unmarried aren't blinded by personal bias. You already have preconceived ideas of marriage based on your personal experiences. However, what worked for you may not work for others. Every marriage is unique with its own set of problems. Unlike Vash and IndiReloaded, I'm able to offer a fresh perspective that isn't motivated by personal bias.

[IndiReloaded]

Fascinating, Neo. I certainly didn't mention you specifically.



You take a general garment and assume its tailored to you?

This is exactly what I mean by the 20-something mindset.

But you are so right Neo (when are you ever wrong, tho? LOL). Experience doesn't mean anything compared to unsubstantiated opinion. You'll make a terrific clinician.

[IndiReloaded]

Every marriage is unique with its own set of problems.

Well, such a wise-sounding, and obvious statement from the peanut gallery. You must watch Dr. Phil.

I didn't know you were married Neo. Or have much experience with married couples. Or are a marriage counsellor. Or... anything, really, except an opinionated student who would like to sound as if he knows more than he actually does.

All I am pointing out is the FACT that you and a couple other posters don't actually have any EXPERIENCE in the things you are commenting on. Surely you can't have a problem with my stating plain fact?

[doppelgaenger]

Every problem can be solved, Harte. There are a number of solutions. Is having a mistress around really your best way of mitigating the issue? Because that is really cheap, low down, scum-of-the-earth garbage you're talking.

What specifically is bothering you? What is the root of the problem? It doesn't sound like you're being very critical about your disatisfaction. You've been very bland in your description of things, which leads to the assumption about, well, you know...

[Harte]

I'm sorry doppelgaen another thread covered much of background. Yeah i really started thread because thought it would make for lively conversation. You're right low stuff.

[NeoSeminole]

IndiReloaded says:

"Fascinating, Neo. I certainly didn't mention you specifically. You take a general garment and assume its tailored to you?"

let's not play that game. You were quite explicit about whom you were singling out with your description.

"I'd like to point out that the only ones posting in Harte's threads who are above 30 and married are Vash, Giga and myself. Some expressed opinions, while amusing, come from a place of ignorance."

"But you are so right Neo (when are you ever wrong, tho? LOL). Experience doesn't mean anything compared to unsubstantiated opinion. You'll make a terrific clinician."

show me where I said experience doesn't mean anything compared to unsubstantiated opinion. Your reading comprehension leaves much to be desired. :-/