Am I being nuts?

[Di741111]

You are not crazy, because its his fault that he didnt tell you about the 2 friends stayin at his house.
From what you've said, he seems to care about you and love you a lot, I think you guys need to communicate more, be the mature one, lay the facts out, and ask him to meet this marie. Maybe if you meet her, you'll realize that he wouldn't cheat on you with her.

[MissAnn]

Thanks for all of the advice. Yes, I still do agree with the fact that he shouldn't have let those women stay with him. I know I am insecure and have "baggage" but I think most people would have a problem with that.

He has been cheated on in the past too, and he has been insecure with me as well, so I was partially hurt that he wasn't more considerate. My best friend is a gay guy, and he was weirded out by our close relationship. When we first started dating he even demanded to meet him to make sure he was really gay! So, I think part of the reason I reacted like I did was frustration that he was not, for lack of a better word, "respecting" my issues.

I really don't want my past to dictate my future though, so I am in therapy. It has helped me a lot, but unfortunately it seems to be a slow, ongoing process

[MissAnn]

So.....

We did go out for drinks. Everything went well, except we really didn't talk about what had happened. I though that was fine, and it was good to just have some fun and lighthearted conversation. At the end of the night, he hinted I should come home with him, but I didn't as we hadn't really talked about where we were going.

The next day we went for coffee. He told me he would call me and let me know what his plans were for that night, and maybe we could get together. I hadn't heard from him by 8 pm, and gave him a call as I wanted to make other plans if he wasn't available. He said that an old (male) friend, who I have heard him mention, came into town and he was going to to out drinking with him.

I kind of thought maybe he had decided it wouldn't work, and wanted to move on...but the next three nights in a row he called me and we talked for hours. We both said that we were afraid of getting hurt, and would take it slow, but still had feelings.

Then, last night we were talking about a charity function we are both supposed to attend on Sunday. He was being really evasive about his plans for the night, so I asked him if he was bringing a date. He asked who I was bringing, and I said my friend. He then changed topics, so I again asked him if he had a date. I said I really wasn't ready to see him with someone else, and I would appreciate him telling me so I could make other plans. He said it was complicated, that he wouldn't have a date per se, but he wouldn't be alone either, and he was too tired to continue the conversation but would call me again the next night to explain. I told him I really didn't want to hear details, and if he was bringing someone I would just make other plans. He said you don't have to do this, but I am too tired to talk about this now. I told him he didn't owe me an explanation, we said our goodbyes, and then hung up.

Later he texted me that he still wanted to call me tomorrow, I replied that I didn't want to hear details, but thanks. He again texted he'd call. I am confused as to what he wants to explain, and why he couldn't just tell me on the phone but has to make me wait 24 hours? I am having second thoughts about getting involved with him again, because I feel like his lack of communication was one of the things that made me insecure in the first place.

[qwertz]

If he really wants to make a go of it with you, he would and should not be taking a woman on a 'date'.
You should also talk in person, over the phone you cannot judge his body language and its easy for him to be evasive over questions(as you found out)

[MissAnn]

That was my thought as well. I mean, I get that I dumped him, and he has a right to move on, but why try to keep me attached as well?

[qwertz]

cause he wants the best of both worlds..tell him either you commit 100% to each other or you move on 100%

[Gigabitch]

Breaking up means you go your separate ways. Either break up with him or get him back. if you actually want him, you have to have that conversation you've both been avoiding.

To me it sounds like he's moving on anyway. I think you should think about protecting yourself so you don't get hurt.

[IndiReloaded]

He said it was complicated, that he wouldn't have a date per se, but he wouldn't be alone either, and he was too tired to continue the conversation but would call me again the next night to explain

This is man-speak for "I'm kind of seeing someone but I don't want you to freak out about it b/c I don't know what I want yet."

Its BS.

I told him he didn't owe me an explanation, we said our goodbyes, and then hung up.

You let him off the hook. You shouldn't have said this. Let him explain if he wants to be with you.

Later he texted me that he still wanted to call me tomorrow, I replied that I didn't want to hear details, but thanks. He again texted he'd call. I am confused as to what he wants to explain, and why he couldn't just tell me on the phone but has to make me wait 24 hours? I am having second thoughts about getting involved with him again

Either let him explain, or decide you don't want anything to do with him is my advice.

[whaywardj]

It doesn't matter if he cheated or not. Point is, his behavior was/is unacceptable for your purposes. Continued involvement with him will only be an exercise in learning how to overcome your suspicions and how to not involve yourself anymore with men who are likely to trigger them. Move on to someone else who evokes less stressful, more uplifting, emotions in you.

[sienn]

It doesn't matter if he cheated or not. Point is, his behavior was/is unacceptable for your purposes. Continued involvement with him will only be an exercise in learning how to overcome your suspicions and how to not involve yourself anymore with men who are likely to trigger them. Move on to someone else who evokes less stressful, more uplifting, emotions in you.

you make love and relationship sound so self-gratifying. i'm surprised at the way you said it.

relationship works both ways. an insecure person like the OP must have invoked a fair amount of draining spirits and emotions in the guy.

[sienn]

Thanks for all of the advice. Yes, I still do agree with the fact that he shouldn't have let those women stay with him. I know I am insecure and have "baggage" but I think most people would have a problem with that.

He has been cheated on in the past too, and he has been insecure with me as well, so I was partially hurt that he wasn't more considerate. My best friend is a gay guy, and he was weirded out by our close relationship. When we first started dating he even demanded to meet him to make sure he was really gay! So, I think part of the reason I reacted like I did was frustration that he was not, for lack of a better word, "respecting" my issues.

I really don't want my past to dictate my future though, so I am in therapy. It has helped me a lot, but unfortunately it seems to be a slow, ongoing process

what took you so long to go for therapy ? it's about time you take responsibility for the well-being of your relationship and emotional health rather than expect someone else to bear your insecurity and baggage in the name of "love".

the guy has every reason for his passion sizzling out for you, given the cards dealt out to him. be more appreciative of him for the sh*t he has to bear for with being you.

look first at yourself before blaming others.

[whaywardj]

You emphasize the wrong sentence fragment. The behavior is unacceptable in any circumstance where trust is being cultivated. It's less than merely stupid behavior. It's indifferent behavior. If the fellow had any regard for anyone but himself, or knew how to, he would never have come even close to acting such ways. Unless a soul wishes to spend her time, energy and feelings educating him as to the error of his ways in some misguided expectation that will change him sufficiently to dispel her own shortcomings, he's a waste of time-of-life. It's not unlike violence and should be responded to in the same way: "You only get to hit me once. After that, I'm gone for good."

Moral of my post: Don't make the obvious mistake even the first time.

[sienn]

Years ago I made it a personal rule to avoid anything serious with women who've had cheating and abusive boyfriends. Your story reinforces my belief in that rule.

You seem to have spent most of your latest relationship taking out your anger at being betrayed on a guy who did nothing to deserve it. You brought all the pain of being cheated on with you when you got together with your latest boyfriend. That insured that the relationship could not last, because you spent most of it suspecting, without evidence, that your new boyfriend was a cheat. I expect that your treatment of him reflected that.

Yes, you're probably being crazy. Yes, it's paranoia due to your prior experience-- which you projected onto your latest "ex," and which you'll no doubt project onto your next ex, and the one after that, and after that unless you sort your mind out and realize that the whole world is not to blame for your bad experiences.

very well said.

i pity the guy who should hv dumped an insecure and fickle person like the OP long time ago instead of staying behind and witnessing the sh*t she threw out all over the place later on with her past. extremely nauseating. who cares to stay for a dirty show where pigs (gf and her baggage) roll in the mud and sling dirt at each other ? give some respect for the onlooker, if you even care for him. if you don't care for him, why should he care for you and still bother to be with you ?

being insecure is tough enough for anyone who might have thought of being with her. add to that, her baggage and fickle-mindedness made it harder when she should have made it easier, if she has any self-knowledge of her personal condition. given a woman like the OP, any guy looking for a serious partner would run away and look elsewhere.

there is a difference in seeking a woman for a fling vs seeking a woman for marriage. if you had treasured the marriage, you would not have done what you did.

you are totally messed up. plain and simple. get a grip on yourself before pointing finger at others and expecting them to endure your flaws whilst you go on trying to have the best of both worlds.

[MissAnn]

Interesting update.....

After hearing that my ex was seeing someone else, I decided to move on and let our relationship go. Once I stopped intitating contact with him, I again received a flurry of texts about how much he missed me, wanted me back, etc. I asked him to please stop, as it was making it too hard for me to move forward and I really didn't see our relationship working out for either of us.

So...on New Year's Eve I ran into his ex-girlfriend. They had dated for 3 years, and he had told me they had broken up about 5 months prior to the time I met him. Oddly enough, when I had first started dating him, she had shown up twice locations where she knew we'd be crying and begging to speak with him. He told me she was actually a sweet woman, but that she suffered from manic depression and her inability to take her meds and deal with the disease was one of the reasons their relationship had ended.

Well, after chatting with her on New Year's Eve I found out that she is NOT
manic depressive and that they had still been dating when I started dating him and he had suddenly stopped returning her calls after being together for 3 years. She admitted that she went kind of nuts over it, and apologized for her prior behavior.

After we compared notes, there were many strange similarities in our relationships with him. She was also given a bra that wasn't hers that he claimed came from an ex. She was also told that he had two female friends she had never met spend the night. Also, he had told me that while they were dating, they had twice had threesomes with female friends of hers. She said that wasn't true for her, but that he had told her the same stories about his ex prior to her!

So, my conclusion: I have no idea what kind of game he was playing, but I think my instict that something was "off" was correct. He may not have been cheating, but he was clearly being dishonest and engaging in bizarre behavior. Strange!!!