She told her friends about my impotence

[vashti]

In my mind, there is not much worse than a partner who can't be trusted with intimate details. I don't think I'd be able to ever trust her again, Glith. Since you love her, I hope you can figure out a way.

[Glith]

Thank you Vashti. I understand what other people have said, that i should have talked about it first. Of course i should have, but thats far easier said than done when you're in that position. But, being on the other side, regardless of what was going on, I would always have put my girlfriend's privacy before my own 'need' to talk.

As Vashti said, and it really is a question I'm looking for an answer to, how AM i supposed to face these people?

[lahnnabell]

Well, you said that you would divulge intimate details to someone, but to a third party that your girlfriend would never know about. This is the same offense, only you are claiming that you would be more discrete about who you choose to help you. Maybe she wasn't thinking along these lines and was just concerned about resolving the issue at hand.

Either way, I think you both could agree to meet half way. You can say, "I'm sorry for not coming to you sooner about this, but I this is how I feel about you going to your friends with such details". Hopefully she'll apologize for embarrassing you. I guarantee you that wasn't her intention.

If she maintains that she did nothing wrong, then perhaps this relationship is no longer worth it.

[vashti]

Seriously, threads like this make me embarrassed of my gender. One of the worst "feminine" traits there is must be the need to blabbber, and then to try to defend it.

I hope indi or misombra posts in here.

[Glith]

Well, you said that you would divulge intimate details to someone, but to a third party that your girlfriend would never know about. This is the same offense, only you are claiming that you would be more discrete about who you choose to help you. Maybe she wasn't thinking along these lines and was just concerned about resolving the issue at hand.

Either way, I think you both could agree to meet half way. You can say, "I'm sorry for not coming to you sooner about this, but I this is how I feel about you going to your friends with such details". Hopefully she'll apologize for embarrassing you. I guarantee you that wasn't her intention.

If she maintains that she did nothing wrong, then perhaps this relationship is no longer worth it.

No, absolutely she accepts that she did wrong. She DOES see it from my view as well. What it doesnt change is how I'm supposed to face these girls, and more importantly, how am I supposed to trust her in future? Especially if she's always been part of such a 'lets talk about our boyfriend's problems' culture with her friends. She is still of the view 'But I needed to talk to my friends, and i can trust them'. My point is, fine, in that case trust them with your own personal problems, just dont involve them in the problems i trusted you with.

You said in a previous post that my willingness to divulge to a third party is just as bad. I really couldnt disagree more. You are the third party here. You dont know me, or my girlfriend, you never will, we'll never socialize or be expected to go about daily activities together. Here, i am just the problem I brought to the table, and she wll never feel violated or humiliated by this.

[lahnnabell]

Okay, vash, could you please not start bashing on someone (i.e. Me) just because we don't share the same views. Sometimes it takes some coaxing for someone to see the other side of the argument. But please don't make statements like this because someone of your gender doesn't share your argument. I honestly asked you for your opinion because I was truly curious about what you would have done.

I think both parties did a bit of wrong here. As for the humiliation front, I'm not really sure what you can do Glith. It may take some time and rebuilding of trust before you guys can get there again. Are you up for that?

[Glith]

Seriously, threads like this make me embarrassed of my gender. One of the worst "feminine" traits there is must be the need to blabbber, and then to try to defend it.

I hope indi or misombra posts in here.

Thanks again Vashti.

I think I was judged a little unfairly at the start of the thread. I do accept where i went wrong, and what i should have done. I do accept that my girlfriend can make misakes. I just dont know, practically, how to face these people, and whether this WAS a 'mistake' by my girlfriend or if this is the way things are going to be.
She has told me that she'll respect my privacy from now on, however, she also stated that she'll only talk to her friends about things if she feels as though she needs to, which...well, that just takes us back to square one.

I really was starting to wonder if I've just been lucky with past girlfriends in that they respected my privacy, and that perhaps "blabbing" was in fact the norm. As I said earlier, my friends commented that blabbing isn't normal, nor acceptable, and that privacy and trust are still important to some people.

[vashti]

Lhanna -

??

WTF are you talking about? I was referring to his GF, not you.

Paranoid much?

[QueenofCorona]

My current boyfriend at the begining of our relationship had some impotence issues. It was a brand new relationship and I didn't know how to approach the subject because I didn't want to hurt him or make him think I was only around for sex. I discused the issue with only ONE of my best girlfriends. In no way would I ever mention this issue to any of our mutual friends. I only brought it up to her because I trust her and it was not meant as a bashing session to him in any way. I just needed to hear her point of view and get my feelings out as well, I was very confused.

I still don't know what caused it but its not an issue anymore and I do not regret opening up to my friend about my feelings. I trust her and know she'll never bring it up again. That being said, in a sensitive issue like that I would never condone the girl gossiping about it to her friends. Beings you are still with her, she only probably opened up because she cared. I get where you are coming from though, I'm very private and would feel invaded as well knowing someone knew my business.

[Glith]

Okay, vash, could you please not start bashing on someone (i.e. Me) just because we don't share the same views. Sometimes it takes some coaxing for someone to see the other side of the argument. But please don't make statements like this because someone of your gender doesn't share your argument. I honestly asked you for your opinion because I was truly curious about what you would have done.

I think both parties did a bit of wrong here. As for the humiliation front, I'm not really sure what you can do Glith. It may take some time and rebuilding of trust before you guys can get there again. Are you up for that?

It's just the practicalities of it lahnnabell. As I said, I am a shy person, and I'm not exactly comfortable meeting new people under normal circumstances. It's always been a weakness of mine in the past, but recently I've made a conscious effort to get past that. The trust thing, I like to think we canbuild it back, but I really don't know if we can. If it was a one-off 'mistake' i could understand, but i cant help but think that this friend-talk stuff is going to be an ongoing issue.

[vashti]

Thanks again Vashti.

I think I was judged a little unfairly at the start of the thread. I do accept where i went wrong, and what i should have done. I do accept that my girlfriend can make misakes. I just dont know, practically, how to face these people, and whether this WAS a 'mistake' by my girlfriend or if this is the way things are going to be.
She has told me that she'll respect my privacy from now on, however, she also stated that she'll only talk to her friends about things if she feels as though she needs to, which...well, that just takes us back to square one.

I really was starting to wonder if I've just been lucky with past girlfriends in that they respected my privacy, and that perhaps "blabbing" was in fact the norm. As I said earlier, my friends commented that blabbing isn't normal, nor acceptable, and that privacy and trust are still important to some people.

It's the norm in some circles, not in others. The people I trust most do not do this to the people they love, but I DO hear a lot of people (mostly women) crossing the line with frequency. I pity their men, and I wouldn't trust them farther than I could throw them.

[Glith]

My current boyfriend at the begining of our relationship had some impotence issues. It was a brand new relationship and I didn't know how to approach the subject because I didn't want to hurt him or make him think I was only around for sex. I discused the issue with only ONE of my best girlfriends. In no way would I ever mention this issue to any of our mutual friends. I only brought it up to her because I trust her and it was not meant as a bashing session to him in any way. I just needed to hear her point of view and get my feelings out as well, I was very confused.

I still don't know what caused it but its not an issue anymore and I do not regret opening up to my friend about my feelings. I trust her and know she'll never bring it up again. That being said, in a sensitive issue like that I would never condone the girl gossiping about it to her friends. Beings you are still with her, she only probably opened up because she cared. I get where you are coming from though, I'm very private and would feel invaded as well knowing someone knew my business.

That is very similar to my girlfriend's story, and I DO understand (as with you) that some people need to talk. Personally, i would have just researched it a little. I think reading up on something such as impotency would be far more valuable than just chatting to a friend about it, unless your friend happens to be a specialist. However, if YOUR boyfriend found out that you'd spoken to your friend, I'm sure he'd feel the way I do now.

I'm not trying to be disrespectuful towards her, or take the moral highground, i just don't understand how her chatting to friends can solve my sexual problems, and more importantly, how she can't have deemed my privacy and trust to be worth more.

[shheadz]

If you read what I said, I didnt talk about my relationship or any problems at all. I talked about the way some of my girlfriend's friends talk about their boyfriend's intimate business. None of my friends know about whats happened or any of these problems. As I keep saying, it's private, and I treat it as such.

I really don't see the difference. Maybe those ladies didn't want the secret of their little chat circle being revealed? Now maybe they'd be uncomfortable standing in front of your friends, in the same way you're uncomfortable standing in front of hers. She didn't ask you if it was ok to talk to her friends about your problem, and you didn't ask her if it was ok to tell your friends about her little social circle.

[Glith]

I really don't see the difference. Maybe those ladies didn't want the secret of their little chat circle being revealed? Now maybe they'd be uncomfortable standing in front of your friends, in the same way you're uncomfortable standing in front of hers. She didn't ask you if it was ok to talk to her friends about your problem, and you didn't ask her if it was ok to tell your friends about her little social circle.

No offense, but that's a little silly. Me talking to my friends about the way some people they'll never meet talk about their boyfriends, is just a LITTLE different to my girlfriend talking to people she wants me to socialise with about my (at the time) intimate, embarrasing sexual problem.

[Spring Haze]

Apologies for the assumptions.
I haven't read all the responses, but if your girlfriend is insensitive toward your humiliation, then it will probably not work between you two.

If it can be resolved, let her know that issues concerning you both (or just you) stay solely between you two.

Some people, especially in tightly knit social groups can't realize the error of their ways. Maybe you can help her see what she is doing.