How Long Should I Wait For Her Answer?

[Perryville]

Dude, I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds to me as if you are being played. She isn't interested in marrying you, but doesn't want to say no, because not only will she lose you, but your support money as well. This is totally disrespectful, and you should put your foot down now.

[VincenzoG91]

Dude, I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds to me as if you are being played. She isn't interested in marrying you, but doesn't want to say no, because not only will she lose you, but your support money as well. This is totally disrespectful, and you should put your foot down now.

I think that you may be right, but my next step isn't clear to me.

If I give her an ultimatum, like say yes or get dumped, I think that would force her to tell me what I want to hear. After that, the relationship is almost definitely doomed.

If I don't give her an ultimatum, then dump her soon for failing to make a decision, that would be really cruel. She will face an immediate cash flow crisis and might need to drop her classes to support herself. I would struggle with guilt for a long time.

If I don't do anything at all, I may get played for a long time and a lot of money. It delays me from moving on, and takes away from the money I would want to spend on the wife and kids I may someday have.

And the worst possible case would be that she was indecisive, but ultimately going to say yes to me, but I jump the gun and dump her first. I know that doesn't sound likely, but it did take her three months to buy a used car.

I just sent her an email (I'll be asleep by the time she gets home from work). I told her that we need to talk about this even if she hasn't made a decision yet. I also said that I would be facing some major decisions soon, and needed to know if she wants to be included in the decision-making process.

[Dogtoast]

I think that you may be right, but my next step isn't clear to me.

If I give her an ultimatum, like say yes or get dumped, I think that would force her to tell me what I want to hear. After that, the relationship is almost definitely doomed.

If I don't give her an ultimatum, then dump her soon for failing to make a decision, that would be really cruel. She will face an immediate cash flow crisis and might need to drop her classes to support herself. I would struggle with guilt for a long time.

If I don't do anything at all, I may get played for a long time and a lot of money. It delays me from moving on, and takes away from the money I would want to spend on the wife and kids I may someday have.

And the worst possible case would be that she was indecisive, but ultimately going to say yes to me, but I jump the gun and dump her first. I know that doesn't sound likely, but it did take her three months to buy a used car.

I just sent her an email (I'll be asleep by the time she gets home from work). I told her that we need to talk about this even if she hasn't made a decision yet. I also said that I would be facing some major decisions soon, and needed to know if she wants to be included in the decision-making process.

I think it might help if you're completely honest with her about how you feel. She needs to understand what you're going through. You guys might be able to make a decision that way, together. If you're both mature enough (which it definitely sounds like you are) then you can make a conscious decision that will be fair and let you both move on, whichever direction that might be.

[TheWizard]

Ok I'm just throwing this out there... It's POSSIBLE... POSSIBLE that she's actually started to get involved with someone else along the way, and now she is having some really torn internal strife.

It's not pleasant but it's POSSIBLE.

The worst part about asking on a forum like this is most of the time you already know, you're just looking for some external perspective to see if there's a glimmer of hope for what you want rather than what you feel.

best of luck man

[VincenzoG91]

Ok I'm just throwing this out there... It's POSSIBLE... POSSIBLE that she's actually started to get involved with someone else along the way, and now she is having some really torn internal strife.

It's not pleasant but it's POSSIBLE.

I just woke up out of a sound sleep with the same thought, that she may have met somebody else, and there is at least some emotional involvement. Alternatively, she may have just checked out of our relationship emotionally a while back, and is just going through the motions while getting financial support.

2009 was a very tough year. My dad died of lung cancer at the end of 2008. I was very sad about that and kept getting sick. Cold, flu, flu, cold, cold, cold... I was getting sick at least once a month, and I'm normally very healthy. Finally went to a doctor in June, and he couldn't find anything wrong with me other than mild cold symptoms. I had a normal cold in September, but have otherwise been very healthy since June.

Then my girlfriend's cat died. He had some kind of seizure while jumping up into the chair that she was sitting in. He was nearly 16 years old, not as energetic as he used to be, but still seemingly healthy. She was devastated, and somehow it hit me harder than my dad's death. I loved my dad, but in the late stages of cancer, he was really looking forward to dying. Our cat was just a sweet, innocent little guy who died a sudden, horrible death.

Then my girlfriend's old car was facing a serious repair in July, and this was months after my mechanic friend warned her that it was time to get a different car. So we were going to share my car for a while until I could scrape some extra money together and her mom could loan her some money, too. But due to her work and class schedule, sharing my car mostly meant that she drove my car all the time and then gave me rides to and from my workplace. Sometimes I had to stay an extra couple of hours at work while waiting for her to get off work or out of class.

We had a couple of nasty arguments about cars around this time, causing her to move in with her female cousin for a while and share her car. (They are also best friends.) I ended up paying for the car repair, to buy us some time for a car search and to get her to move back in. Due to her procrastination and indecision, the car search took about three months.

We managed to recover from that tense time. We patched things up, which included me attending church on weekly basis for the first time in a very long time. She bought a newer used car, then fall classes started up and she got pretty busy. During mid-terms and finals, she tended to spend the night at her cousin's place, so she could stay up late cramming without bothering me. As usual, she spent the holidays visiting her mom and other relatives while I stayed here in town. And last night, she decided to stay at her cousin's place because she needs time to think about things.

I realize that some of you are probably rolling your eyes like crazy at this point. I know my girlfriend pretty well after all these years, and I know that she isn't good at lying. I've never caught her in a major lie, but when it comes to the little white lies that we are all capable of telling, she's kind of obvious. So instead of lying, she will try to avoid a topic. So if she tells me that she's at her cousin's place tonight, I feel very confident that she is actually at her cousin's place, and I'm not going to call or drive over there to check up on her.

That said, I can tell that she is avoiding a conversation about getting engaged, and that worries me. It really could be indecision, that she had never quite decided if I am the man she will marry some day. Or, it could be that her cousin has been trying to play matchmaker again in recent months. (After our first big argument, six years ago, her cousin tried to set my girlfriend up with one of the cousin's ex-boyfriends. That actually offended my girlfriend.)

Up until Sunday, I've been very happy about our relationship for a while now. We got through some pretty hard times together, and she has really been there for me during some rough situations. She has matured a lot since I first met her, and she has helped me become a better person, too. And in the last six months, she has sometimes made comments that sounded like she was thinking about us in terms of really long-term plans. For example, she asked if maybe we could some day move to Louisiana so I could help my sister take care of my elderly mom. Or that maybe my mom could move in with us. So when I proposed, I was expecting her to be delighted, not indecisive.

My girlfriend does tend to be indecisive, or else very picky. She has some food allergies, and her dad died of his allergy to peanuts, so I can understand the pickiness as a survival instinct. The indecisiveness is easier for me to understand right now, because I'm struggling with this big decision when I'm usually very confident and decisive.

Typing all this has me thinking back about our whole relationship. There were good times and bad times, but overall, I feel great love and respect for her right now, mixed in with my current anxiety and uncertainty. If I dump her next week, I'm going to be feeling horrible for a long time. When I try thinking about how I will break the news to her, I just feel sickened by the possibility. I dated a lot of different women when I was in my 20s and 30s, but I've only been in three long-term relationships. And this is the only time that I've ever proposed to somebody. I really want to marry her, and if this doesn't work out and we break up, I will probably either end up staying alone or settling for someone that I don't love.

Wizard, you're right that I'm looking for a glimmer of hope. One of the early posts mentioned someone who waited a week and then got a yes. I can do at least that much, after all the time we've been together. Dogtoast, I agree that she and I really need to talk openly about this situation. But I can tell that she is thinking the opposite right now, that she needs to avoid talking to me while making her big decision. All I can do is keep trying to talk to her without making her feel pressured. I don't want to force her to say yes if she doesn't feel that way, but this is a big decision that we should make together while talking about it.

[VincenzoG91]

Sorry to ramble like that. Under extreme stress, I sometimes get extreme insomnia.

So what doubts does she have about me? I'm always striving to become a better person, so I've tried to work on the shortcomings that she sees.

1. Bad temper, not physically violent, but verbally abusive. After our first really big argument, when I called her the c-word, she persuaded me to take an anger management class. I took it very seriously, doing all the reading and homework and class participation. It was very a positive experience that also saved my career. I still lose my temper once in a while, but the blow-ups are shorter, milder, and more controlled.

2. Atheist. I've been going to church for six months now with an open mind, looking for help dealing with my dad's death. After six months, I can honestly say that I have become an agnostic, which is pretty major spiritual advancement for me. I may not believe in God, but I'm willing to admit that I could be wrong. And church has definitely helped me become a happier, nicer person.

3. I'm 15 years older than her. There is nothing that can be done about that, but as she approaches her 30th birthday, she has stopped teasing me about my age. Anyway, I'm very physically fit and still have a full head of hair, so the age difference is mostly just a number. I can tell that it used to bother her some, but not in the last couple of years.

4. She doesn't love me. Actually, I don't know if that's the situation or not, and I wouldn't even have imagined it until this week. But maybe her feelings have faded or otherwise changed over time. So she could be deciding if she would rather marry a good guy that she doesn't love, or hold out for true love someday with someone else. Maybe she was planning to part ways with me after she finishes getting her degree.

I can't think of any other possible issues unless she met somebody else. So I'm just going to try to be patient for at least a few more days before forcing the issue.

[VincenzoG91]

My best friend called this morning to find out how things were going. He thinks that I should give her some money for her short-term cash needs and then take a break from the relationship. He doesn't think that she's a bad person, but he wants me to step back from the situation for a while. Maybe that will get her talking to me about our relationship, or maybe I can just move on.

[QueenofCorona]

I agree on the taking a break but don't give her any money. She's not a child and she's not helpless. She won't give you an honest answer so you owe her NOTHING. Let her wing it and see how good she had it.

[VincenzoG91]

Just got an email from her:

"Um, yea we should talk.. I just don't know how I feel about things right now and I tend to run away from situations when they get too overwhelming or scary so I'm trying to give myself some time to process things but if you want a response sooner than later, I guess we can do that, I just don't know what will come out. I don't like feeling pressured though...

"Anyways, I could be available for a bit tonight but I'm really in over my head with my classes this semester and I have to start/finish reading Walden, among other things, by Monday so I wouldn't have much time. Perhaps we can grab a drink or a bite somewhere in Roseville right after you get off of work so I could jet right back to school afterwards? Lemme know."


This seems promising. I can wait for her to make this big decision, but only if we keep talking to each other. The silence and the avoidance were really getting to me these last few days.

[QueenofCorona]

Weeeird. I live in St Paul. Small world.

[Perryville]

Vince, buddy, I think like your friend, you guys need to take a break. She obviously not into marriage, and has been trying to postpone the relationship questions. If, when you see her, she still isn't willing to discus these issues, tell her you need time to assess how the relationship is progressing. DON'T GIVE HER MONEY!!

[VincenzoG91]

Yeah, we live in St. Paul, too. You might even know one of us, like as a friend or co-worker. Weird thought.

[QueenofCorona]

Doubt it. Technically I live and work in Woodbury and I'm a Duluth/Alexandria/Marshall transplant.

The money thing makes sense now, Minnesota nice. Still though. Keep the pimp hand strong.

[Perryville]

Does it EVER get warm up there? I went swimming in Lake Superior, in July and nearly froze my junk off.

[girl68]

Seriously after 6 years she's feeling "pressured" to marry you!?

Does she realize that she can say yes and have a long engagement? Is she assuming that by saying yes she will have to plan a wedding all the while going to school and working excessively? These things could scare her but I'm thinking these are not her reasons.