So Alone

[vashti]

Most females are gold-diggers, and most of them live in LA.

What? What a silly thing to say.

[Elle_Boogie]

Its sad but true...

[Elle_Boogie]

Wait, allow me to rephrase that... "LOTS of women are gold-diggers, not most"

[slimla]

I want to continue thanking you guys. I know I am not alone in the alone department but I really am truly alone and to have people communicate with me makes me feel so much better. To get your feedback and all of your generous responses. So thank you so much you guys/girls are very appreciated.


In response to all of your posts. I want to add I cannot help who I am physically attracted to and who I am not (as with most people I'm assuming).
I have tried to date girls I was not attracted to and that did not work out for me. I am 35 and this might sound cliched to say but nobody believes I am 35 people think I'm 24 or 25. That is the age range I date with girls. In addition that any girl it seems in LA that is over 24 that I am attracted to is married or taken or on the prowl for a big fish I feel.

I was in a situation where I was in a group of 20 stunning girls (for work) and we were all sitting around and the conversation came to dating. The girls were asked by the intervewier during our casual conversing. "who here is single?"

I was the only person that raised my hand. Every single girl was taken. This probably wasnt a good thing because my brain there convinced itself that "I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG!!!" All the girls that I am generallly attracted to are TAKEN.

I understand this is negative thinking and yes I might throw in the towel a little early with the phone number game. My thought on this is HERE I AM THIS IS ME IN THE FLESH and if you like me then you will be somewhat responsive to my advances aka. do you want to get a coffee? do you want to go play tennis. I'm going out for a drink would you like to join? and so on. If you are a ghost and then a ghost after my second request I am yes making the oh so judgemental thought that maybe she isnt interested.

It seems to me from my experience the girls I have dated or the girls that I have had ask me out didnt play these games. I know a girl wants to be chased but what I'm talking about is the difference between a fun chase where the girl is running and the guy is chasing verses a 3 year old chasing after a ferrarri in sixth gear red lining at 170mph on his tricycle with three flat tires and a bug in his eye.

I might go after the easy prey yes I do. I go to the bar and see a girl I'm attracted to and I think to myself. I'm a decent looking guy, got all my chicklets and nice salad on my head, nice threads on my back and I am smart and fun.

Instead of approaching her I go to the fatty at the corner of the bar who is smiling at me patting the bar stool next to her.

Why? fear of rejection yes, a solid pattern or repetitive same scenario rejections yes. and the fact that 99 PERCENT of the girls i am attracted to do not even give me a single grain of interest, eye contact, body language. nothing. I'm like a fat old man or something to them. I approach, smile ask them their name, make a cute comment about how pretty their purse is and ask if it is Gukki. I am cheesy but fun I dont make stupid creepy pervy jokes. I'm good at making people laugh or smile. I then sit because I know if I ask then they will hesitate. I make the conversation short enough so its not awkward and say "hey I just wanted to come over and say hi. I have to get back to my friends because we are going to another bar but Id like to take you out for a drink one day if youd like.....she says sure sounds fun. I get her number..... wait 2 days and I call because texting is for the scared.... I call and ask how she is doing and whats she is up to... we idle chatter for a bit. if the conversation goes well i let it go well and dont think. if it gets awkward for a bit I say. "hey I have to get back to work but lets meet this weekend and get a coffee" she will usually say sure or well I'm not free but lets talk later and find another day.

the next options are 1. she meets and its a struggle because I am the one ALWAYS holding the conversation up. I ask her where she is from. I bring up things i know about her town and find things to relate to her with. youd be surprised that a lot of girls wont ask me questions about me and if they do i find it to be just a responsive question because I asked.

I try to cut the meeting short because i know like a drug if you give too much then they will be fine with it. I call it attention injection. If you leave when the girl is on a high then she will more likely want to go out again to get that feeling again.

the second scenario is I call for the first meeting and get an answering machine. I dont leave a message the first time. rather wait a couple days and try one last time and then if i get an answering machine I will leave a message. 99.9999999999 percent will never ever get a return call.

after the first date 99.99999999 percent i never get a second.

99.9999 percent of the time the date is with a girl that i settled to talk with. So on top of getting rejected I'm getting rejected by a girl i wasnt really interested in in the first place because I'm tired of getting rejected by girls that i'm interested in...sounds stupid? well i'm not really thinking when i'm typing. i'm typing what my brain is producing so that way maybe you guys willl see a pattern or something lol.

i have friends that are ugly, overweight or extremely gorgeous and they date and date and meet girls they like and date them and dump them or get dumped by them.. what a life that would be! to see a girl that I like TRULY am attracted to and then actually get to know her and date her?! OMIGOD that i would sacrifice my dog for.

like my gay uncle said "its the looks that will get you in the door and its your personality that will keep you from getting kicked out" looks are fleeting a flash in the pan but while that look is there I would like to enjoy it. I know for a fact that even after I fix myself once i figure out what is broken I will still enjoy physical beauty. My 70 old father turns when a beautiful women walks by and I say "dad come on are you serious? your a perv" and he says "son women are like artwork. their curves the way they walk the perfume they wear. I am simply in an art gallery enjoying the beauty of all the artwork." Dad summed it up. I cannot settle for a wholesome girl that doesnt attract me physically.

I enjoy running, weight lifting and play most sports when i have an activity partner to do with. but I RARELY see a girl i'm attracted to in the clubs etc. and if they are they are stunning they will be playing the sport... lets say volleyball for examplery purposes. they spike the ball. their beautiful body high fives their neighboring teammate and they go get a towel to towel off her body. and then some guy comes up to her and gives her a big kiss and a smack on the bottom. I roll my eyes and go "silly me to think a beautiful girl that is over 25 to be single....god I ought to smack myself for thinking otherwise.

I am tired of hanging out with girls I'm attracted to that are married. It makes me feel even more alone. I have two friends that I'm both attracted to who want me to come get sushi and I said yes but now I'm saying no and I am going to be going to busy. I am NOT the nice guy the non threatening guy that you two think I am. I am no longer him anymore because I changed. I will not be your friend anymore. Because I want to date you but you are dating a 48 year old rich *(&*(& and you are married. Go hang out with your guys not me...

and NO i do not wear Ed Hardy clothing...

I'm sorry I'm really reaching out to all of you for help and I thought if i typed without thinking that it might produce something OTHER then the fact I'm bitter and I use humor to vent.

I promise to you that I do not do this or act this way in front of girls I am just trying to be raw and real.

A psychologist would be fun but lets just face it. Why do i need to go to one and spend money because I am getting rejected. Then the psychologist will delve into my past and make me realize how *&(*&(* up I am when I really am not and make me realize that I need to come back every week.. I cannot afford that and I have tried free therapists and WOW you get what you pay for. I have left more angry and upset then when I entered..... "and how does that make you feel"..........why dont you guess Isaac Newton. It makes me feel really good and warm inside. thats why I'm here talking to you because it makes me feel good..... I will never see another one of them again. I'm done with that. I got more out of all your responses then I have in all my visits to different psychs..... more deep seeded issues I was going for but I leave going to myself. I dont know why i brought this up but I am aware of all the possibilities with a psych but i'm just not interested.

I enjoy hearing your feedback and i cannot say thank you enough for your responses. It makes me feel somewhat alive and cared for. thank you for that.

[vashti]

Speaking as someone who is closer to your age than the girls you are interested in, I must be honest in saying that women your age are not generally turned on by men our age hitting on girls in their 20s, precisely because of the "easy prey" thing you mentioned.

And of course, if you are primarily hitting on girls that age (and the type I am picturing you to be interested in), they are less likely to be interested in settling down. Why saddle yourself with one male when you can have the attention of many?

Maybe you should try to hire a dating coach... you know - someone who will tell you the truth about how you are being perceived by other people.

[Gigabitch]

If you are exactly the way you describe yourself, the girls should be lining up to meet you.

And they are! They just don't stick around. He doesn't get a callback.

and NO i do not wear Ed Hardy clothing...

Okay, this proves you have something like a sense of humor, so that's not the problem.

Obviously, it's something about the way you present yourself. This is just too many rejections of a guy that sounds good on paper to be anything but a YOU problem. I don't think a dating coach is a bad idea.

Your friends are not a good filter because if there's something truly objectionable about you, they'll never tell you no matter how honest they claim to be, and there's also the consideration that whatever these women don't like about you is something that doesn't bother your friends at all, or even come to their attention.

Speaking of friends, what are your friendships like? Do you have emotionally close bonds with people, or just "buddies"?

[shheadz]

Your approach to meeting women might be just fine if you lived in a different place. I hope you're not going to trendy night clubs thinking you're going to find a nice girl. There has to be bars out there in LA where the regular working class people hang out.

[Elle_Boogie]

Ok, so two things you need to change: location and age groups. Shheadz is right, most 20-somethings aren't looking for love, and especially not in trendy LA clubs and bars. You gotta start dating closer to your age, and outside the LA club scene. No chance you'd be willing to just STOP looking for love altogether tho, huh? Cuz I swear to God, thats when it falls into your lap. When you just chill and sit back; you aren't giving off the "looking" vibe, which is much more attractive.

[slimla]

Hey guys thanks!

I actually used that scenario as an example. I rarely go to clubs and if i do its more of a bar scene. The girls I meet are through friends or from my industry. I act so the girls I'm talking about are a lot from classes workshops etc.

The girls I"m talking about that are married or taken in serious relationships are all in their mid 20's. The girls that have babies and are married with a husband and really settle are in their 30's it seems.

There are three girls I know that yes I was attracted to that I have met over the last 3 years that are early 20's and all are married.

I have given up and stopped looking for 3 years and nothing feel in my lap except girls where I was not remotely attracted too. I swear on my life I do not give off the desperate vibe......well I'm convinced. Maybe i'm like those people that audition americas got talent and swear they can sing but sound like a peacock in heat.

The girls my age are for the most part. Really not my cup of tea. they have been married or have kids or not in shape... now those are just the ones that I have met...i'm sure there is someone out there but for now I am seeing what I see and its not what I want. I am not picky i swear. I am quite attracted to a lot of girls here (there are a lot of pretty ones) and I'm all about natural girls. real girls but pretty. I like girls that have cute faces, round faces with button noses and big brown eyes.. those are the ones I have dated in the past. I call them squishy faces cause they are so cute (NEVER EER WOULD SAY THAT TO THEM OF COURSE)..... why i say that is I'm not going after the fake boobed blondes that wear ugh boots in the summer time =) ... I like real girls that are pretty in my eyes.

I have now for the past 4 months pretty much holed myself up and just focusing on me and improving me.

well I dont think what I have said has been productive. pretty much dont know what to say:

I have gotten from you guys so far:

1. lighten up/chill out
2. dont give up so easily
3. go after girls my own age and not in clubs
4. stop looking
5. get rid of bitterness
6. try online dating (tried that for several years and results in the same thing..I'm done with that)

I'm just frustrated and wish there was something I can focus on that I dont think I have focused on. You should see me in real life. very positive but fun and sarcastic and then my friends/aquaintances are bitching about this girl or that girl. and I look at them and I want to smack them really hard and say "dont you ever *(&(*&( complain about having a relationship" to love and be hurt is better to never love at all.

I would rather have my heart physically torn out of my chest then to be alone where I am right now. The pain of isolation is going to convert me into a monster one day.

I'm A GOOD PERSON AND FUN just give me a chance. but I'm not going to chase you if you arent interested. and I think i think i have enough common sense to see if your interested or just flirting.

I can call things out really well. the other day my friends were on the ground after my prediction. I saw a girl with her back to us and before she even turned around I said "plastic, married, luxury car"

as she walked by us "lips, boobs, rock on her finger and then she remote unlocked her mercedes." I'm good with that and good with the general psych when I"m at a birds eye view but when im in the thick of it I'm completely lost.

my mother is 70 and she tells me the same thing, chill and sit back and love will find you. I look at her and feel really bad because she is single alone and 70. She has said the same thing when i was 18. I'm 35 now and I look at her and if she is saying that alone . I will not settle for someone I will not. I want to find love and i know its not perfect and nobody is perfect but all i want is to have someone walk in the room and for them to have that ability to make my heart beat a little faster and my eyes dilate. Its okay if they fart in bed .. .Id prefer not but what I'm saying is real love. yes you cannot force it and you can not force love on someone else. it is natural. it happens in weird ways. but I just HOPE TO GOD I am not meant to be alone.. i'm 35 and have dated 2 girls. both girls are girls I settled for because I was alone.

i say this with 100 percent honesty. I have NEVER not ONCE ever dated a girl I wanted to date or was interested in or had a crush on ever. its sad and scares me because my friends have dated pretty much 50% of the girls they had crushes on..

I am in my bubble and cannot get out. a virtual bubble when i walk close to the girl they will not get close to me. opposite polar magnets.

Girls are always very nice to me and always think I'm funny and fun. I know that I am NOT going to be their funny friend they hang out with i'm just not anymore

the girl i was rehearsing a scene today who is married and 24 told me "omigod you are so funny!! we have to hang out. lets hang out sometime" I smiled as i looked over her shoulder at her marriage pics. "yah sounds fun!"

not going to happen. not going to happen... I have a dog and he is my best friend. he loves me unconditionally and is always there for me. I am always there for him. Maybe I should get another dog and a whole bunch of cats and some birds. then collect newspapers and broken down cars that I can put on my front lawn (if i didnt live in an apartment) then i can grow my hair out and when the post man comes to deliver my newspaper i can yell at him to not step on my stairs. Then i can fall asleep with a cigarrette and let my place burn down. (id make sure to keep the window open so the animals can jump out).... dont worry im not being melodramatic I'm just being slightly bitter and using humor to humor myself and difuse my desolate loneliness. poor me... poor me.. I think about Haiti or people who have had really desolate lives and that makes me feel better for a while until i see a couple walking down the street holding hands.

[Gigabitch]

Speaking of friends, what are your friendships like? Do you have emotionally close bonds with people, or just "buddies"?

I think this is important.

[slimla]

i dont have a lot of friends. I have made close friends in LA and most of them have moved away. one went back to Texas another moved to Asia for work and will not return to LA when done. Two to new york. well one is coming back.

I have my roommate and another friend borrowed $200 from me and now is a ghost. Another is gone for 4 months on a shoot and the rest of my friends are
A) married girl
B) girl with 48 year old boyfriend

I am pretty much alone. The reality of my past is ever since I was a kid I hae felt more comfortable with girls as friends. I always have guy friends but always seem to bond more iwht the girls.

Now here is a question. The girl with the 48 year old boyfriend JUST texted me and said she wants to have a tv night with me. She is like that though and the problem is I like her physically and emotionally I connect. I dont want to spend time with her because I a refuse to be that harmless guy friend.

I want to spend time with her and steal her from the old man but i think her money bond with him is too powerful. Actually she is very wealthy herself so I think that she is bonded with him because he might have connections with the industry.... or she actually likes old guys..

what should i do? say sorry cant i'm busy or let her come over and make me feel like shit when she leaves to go back to her old man boyfriend



I do have an additional question!

[Gigabitch]

Be straight up and tell her you're not interested in being her platonic friend.

[slimla]

i am in class with her. I think that might create and awkward situation. should i do what girls so well? just say I'm busy and I cant hang but i would love to! see I am learning from girls a few things...

[Gigabitch]

No, that sends the message that you're fine with the idea of being her friend.

[slimla]

oh not sure if you misunderstand but she has a boyfriend. She is from what I get not interested as she has a boyfriend in a relationship with me but wants me as a friend to hang out with.

I dont want to be a friend because I am interested in her in more then a relationship and she has a boyfriend (old one) but a boyfriend nonetheless.