Dealing with a chronic liar. Please help!

[cocobubble]

how could u learn how to trust someone if there is nothing to trust. dump her ass.

[Spades_]

i remember your post from another thread saying that you were too heavily invested to break it off. Truth is, i think you know what you need to do in this situation, so you should take your own advice and follow through with it.

i dont imagine there being a good excuse for lying and breaking promises, especially if its becoming a habit. if you've clearly brought the situation up her and nothing's changed, then i think its time to move on because it'll only get worse from here. lying is choice, not a consequence. its not something that just happens, but its something that we do, consciously or not. and if she's lying to you about her plans and where she is, then what else could she be lying to you about?

[SirWagginston]

I know what you're feeling. Despite her silliness, you still love her, and so wish to help her be a better person, for her own good.

Here's a good question, though: does she really deserve it? What has she done to deserve it? It takes a lot of effort to turn a bitch into a better person. To quote someone else, "that's a parent's job." Above anything else, you should wonder whether or not it is fair to the girls that are not bitches for you to be expending so much effort on this conniving girl.

[VincenzoG91]

You can't have a relationship without mutual trust. You understand that you can't trust her, because she keeps lying to you. And she doesn't really trust you either, because she is choosing to withhold the truth from you. In fact, she is probably telling you specific lies to control your behavior.

And without honesty, you can't even talk about problems like this one, because the communication is unreliable and meaningless. Every time she opens her mouth, you will be wondering:

"Is she lying to me right now?"
"What about now, is she lying to me this time?"
"Is she still lying, or this particular sentence honest?"

What if you got her to promise that she wouldn't lie anymore? Useless, because you don't know if that promise is a lie, too. There isn't a relationship worth saving here. Don't even talk to her anymore, there is no point to any further discussion with a liar. Just walk away.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I wasted years of my life in an on-again, off-again relationship with a liar. Near the end, I could actually see some improvement in her, but it wasn't enough, and I couldn't stand the uncertainty anymore. I hope her life is better now, but I regret those wasted years.

[1337lizard]

Yeah, I understand what you're all saying. I'm going to just have to wait a few days though because she's out of town and I'm not doing this over the phone or through e-mail. I agree though, it's meaningless to continue this. Vincen, you are completely correct about my thought process. Every time she says something I analyze it and ask those questions to myself. I can't help it. It's automatic now because she spent so much time lying to me.

But I did talk to her about her issue with lying and asked her to seek counseling for it. She understands that it's actually a problem which is great, but she hasn't made any appointments and hasn't committed to it so I'm not going to wait around. I might've if this was the only issue we had but this is one in a long, long chain.

[1337lizard]

Well the deed is done and she and I are over. Thank you all for your support.

I'm still trying to be friends with her and I've explained just how damaging her dishonest habits were to us and she understood and agreed. We're trying to remain friends and I've reminded her that it's not just relationships that are built upon trust and honesty, it's friendships too. And a friendship between two exes is going to require more honesty from her than when she was dating me.

It's been killer because we both still have incredibly intense feelings for each other. Maybe after she's worked on herself and her honesty issues a bit, but not now.

[Illusional]

so why do you still want to be with this girl?? does she tell you that you are her best lover too??

raverboy

[IndiReloaded]

Lizard, sorry for what happened. After reading the thread I do agree with the others, you are better off away from this girl.

I caution against the friends thing only b/c I think you will end up shredded worse than you are. She doesn't sound all that broken up about your split, frankly, and I think you trying to teach her a lesson about her behaviour is falling on deaf ears. I know it makes you feel better, and its admirable to try, but at the end of the day its her lesson to learn. You don't owe this girl anything.

As for the 'why' you've been asking about: I'm grasping here but I suspect she had a difficult childhood (parents, school?) where she learned lying was easier than actually dealing with a situation. Its now become habit. Sounds to me she has a lot of growing up to do compared to you. Which brings me to Dopple's comment about not becoming her parent. I think he was right on the mark about that. As her 'friend' (you aren't you are her ex) she will have even less reason to consider your feelings re: her behaviour. You are setting yourself up for further disappointment. I would advise no contact for a while and finding a nice, honest GF to have fun with but that is up to you. Good luck.

[Illusional]

personally i just wouldn't want to deal with it. it's true that you may have a good relationship with her and if you end up breaking it up, you may become good friends with her. but honestly, habits like this are very VERY hard to break. it you choose to do so, it will take a very long time and a lot of emotional stress, which i dunno if you're willing to go through for a "chance" to mend things with her. first off, does she even want to change this habit? honestly... she tells you that she does, but does SHE truly want to change?

raverboy

[doppelgaenger]

I told you so.

[IndiReloaded]

My goodness, Dopple, that's some sig. Like something out of Python.