How long does the heart pain and not being able to eat properly last?

[Bergamot]

I guess he has his reasons tho I do now believe from probably overanalysing it that its a lot to do with him and his issues with relationships. The only things I could have done better was not putting up with things and walking away earlier on rather than settling for things and accommodating him all of the time. I don't want that relationship back the way it was, it made me unhappy a lot of the time and it was a lot about him and what he wanted. So he'd have to change a lot and i'd have to change a lot which I would try to do by not putting up with any more crap. But its unlikely that he is going to change.

After I wrote the very positive letter trying to persuade him to come back and it didn't work and I have time to think with my head as opposed to my heart, I sent him some texts pointing out the negatives and how I shouldn't have put up with that. It was after that he text back he wasn't reading my texts anymore, so I don't think it went down to well what I said. So I doubt very much he's taken what I said on board and decided to try and change!

Knowing all this however doesn't seem to stop the attachment continuing though am working on it. I'd just rather wait a bit longer till I've sorted my life out a bit more so I'll feel stronger and happier and hopefully then seeing him again won't effect me as much as if I had to face him now to get the stuff back and give him his stuff back.

Yes I think I am going to be more cautious next time, I do tend to rush in and ignore red flags. I've actually bought a book on losers to look out for lol, I found my ex in the second chapter, apparently he's labelled a neglector! I found my ex ex all over the book! Seemed to fit into most categories of men that are bad for you.

[cmacattack1]

I'm sure I would fit into that book as well. Withholding emotion? Ignoring you when you want to work things out? Sweep problems under the rug and pretend they didn't I? I wonder if I would make it out of the introduction before being labeled a loser heh.

However it's not impossible for him to change. Being the one that dumps you, yeah, it isn't as likely he will change because when you do it you see the other person as the problem, they were the one bringing you down, they were at fault for everything. Being the one that is dumped, you feel like you were at fault, you ****ed up, and you are the one analyzing while he is the one forgetting. I was dumped too, but I brought that upon myself.

Anything you try after he pulls the trigger is just going to push him away more. He is trying to forget it by ignoring everything you say. Hopefully his decision won't turn around and bite him in the ass later on in life. I bet you you'll get an apology later on if it does happen for all of his selfishness and antics.

You did give it a good effort and you are a better, wiser, and stronger person for it. Take the good from this and forgive him for being immature and selfish. Get your stuff back and get some time apart. You don't want to be at 5 months and still be wishing for them like me when the ex is dating somebody else. Trust me.

[Bergamot]

I can't see him changing he probably doesn't even see anything wrong in what he does in any case it doesn't look like he wants to examine and confront it seems as all he kept saying was he didn't want to deal with it. I think commitment phobia is behind it all and even if he recognises that, which I doubt he does, he'd have to wanna look into it and find ways of dealing with it. All seems very unlikely to me.

He told me he had a 10 year relationship that was very off and on. My theory is he kept running from it cos of commitment phobia. I think I should be thankful that I didn't become that girl that spent ten years going back and forth hoping he'll change. I'm too old for waiting around for men to change anymore. I'm 43, I figure I've wasted enough years chasing and hoping men with all kinds of problems will change, they never did.

Do you think you have changed cmac since your last relationship where I think you've written somewhere that you felt she wanted too much from you or something along those lines? If she did come back to you or in your next relationship with someone else how do you know the same feelings wouldn't get triggered again? Just interested to know this as it seems he would be dealing with the same issues if he ever came back. (Which he probably wouldn't anyway and I probably wouldn't want to risk going through it all again unless he showed he'd been working on the issue which is highly unlikely).

I think I need a bit more time and work before I can really forgive him though.