Finding it so difficult to end the relationship!

[Carol]

Just make sure you truly love him- don't continue in any relationship if you really don't! It is not fair to him or you to do this! I think you might have a good chance of making it work if you just sit down and talk about your expectations and ask him about his! Get a clear picture of what you both want- talk about where you are willing to compromise and where you are not!

[sparkles]

I do truly love my boyfriend and thats why I am giving him a chance - although this will be his last chance! We had a heart-heart yesterday and he apologised to me about being so insensitive. He basically said he didn't know I was so upset and that he will try to be more sensitive in the future.

I know people cannot change overnight but i'm willing to take the risk as I love him so much.

I will just have to see what happens in the future.

[lahnnabell]

You made the conscious effort to forgive him, so be aware that he will need your support in changing as well. You can't just issue an ultimatum and expect that it's all on him. You are part of this relationship too and you need to start keeping tabs if you want this to work. For example...

If he makes an insensitive remark about your hair, instead of getting upset and internalizing it, or lashing out at him, help him find a more productive way to approach the situation next time. He may just be completely clueless on how to do this.

[sparkles]

Thanks Lahnnabell - You raise a very good point, I do need to help him to approach situations in a different way/manner. I also have to be more assertive and gain back that confidence I have lost. Another thing is that he frequently tells me that I over analyse situations too much - and I know he's right about this as i've done this in past relationships.

This has shown me that I have to re-evaluate myself and make psoitive changes as I really want this relationship to last.

[sparkles]

Ok, just an update on my relationship.......... I have now ended the relationship but instead of feeling sad, I feel very angry!!

We both have tried to make the relationship work but I know now that my bf will never ever change and I cannot change either - I guess we were just not suited.

I feel like I've given this man 2 years of my life and feel my love was wasted on him.


Why do I feel so angry??

Is this normal?


I don't think I will ever be able to love again.

[SirWagginston]

I'm having trouble seeing what's so horrible about your (ex) boyfriend's behavior. Except for the lie in the beginning, the way you described it, it looks like he was doing fine. His "type" may have been different from yours, but he can't control that, and he obviously found you attractive or he would have been gone. I can understand how you would be annoyed at having someone try to control the way you appear, but you didn't say he was making demands or trying to force you. You said he was making "subtle suggestions."

[sparkles]

Ok, let me explain a little more.......To be honest, my boyfriend was controlling in many other ways and he also used to undermine me. For instance, I bought a new car 6 weeks ago ( a car that I have always wanted to purchase) now just because he personally didn't like the car then he thought that I shouldn't buy the car (this coming from a man who can't even drive or doesn't know the first thing about cars)!!

I bought the car with my own money (he didn't offer to help me buy the car) so why should he have cared so much about my purchase of a car??

There were also a few other issues I had with him that I didn't mention before and I just found he's critical, controlling, selfish and immature ways tiring.

I understand that no-one is perfect (we all have our issues) but I just feel I didn't get enough support from my bf ...whenever I had problems, he just wouldn't give me the support I needed but if he had any problems, I would help him out in an instance!!

The relationship just seemed one-sided and now I'm left feeling hurt and very insecure.

I feel this man has lowered my self esteem.

All his controlling, criticising and immature ways have affected me deeply.

I just hope that I can pick myself up and get my confidence back.

I have to ask myself why did I put up with his behaviour for so long?

[SirWagginston]

What did he do that last day that made you so angry?

[sparkles]

To be honest, a lot of the times I felt used.....I will try my best to explain.

We had a weekend relationship (suited us fine) and although we only saw each other at the weekends, we would talk everyday (sometimes up to 5-6 times a day).

If I had problems, he would be disinterested and would rush to get off the phone but when he had problems I would be sympathetic and help him with his problems as best as I could.

I found him to be very selfish in many ways (selfish in bed, and selfish with financial matters) for instance, I saved up for my car ( I only work part-time and I have a 6 year old to care for, while he has a well paid job in construction and no kids).

Now, it took me quite a while to save up for the car - only to find him critising aboout the car (basically saying I shouldn't buy such a cheap car etc etc) he didn't even offer to put any money towards the car which I found very irratating seeing as though he'd been very vocal about the car. And when I raised this point to him, he half-heartledy said he would lend me some money. I think he only offered me the money so that I could buy the car that he wanted so that he could have victory once again!

I also needed to do some fixtures and fittings to my home - now I'm a very independent woman and I can turn my hand to most practical things but sometimes I just can't do it on my own and need help. (just to add, my bf is a 'Carpenter' and also a Handyman)

I would have loved my boyfriend to help but instead of helping me, he is once again very vocal about things.....e.g. oh, don't you think you should get new tiles for the floors? (the ones you have look cheap etc etc)...Oh, don't you think you should get new garden furtinure? new dining room chairs, cutlery - just about everything!

Again, when I bring up the subject to help, he again half-heartedly offers to help - I just think he's plain selfish.

To be honest, all he seemed to be interested in was sex at the weekends!!

[SirWagginston]

Well, he sounds like more of a douchebag when you talk about him more. That's good. When you mention these things, you get them off your your chest, and when we say these things are bad, it justifies your feelings.

[sparkles]

Thanks for listening to me rant on.

I just hope I can get rid of this anger.