Feel completely detatched from my boyfriend

[lahnnabell]

Yes it is. You had a poor role model in your father growing up. You found this older man that filled the role of father that you had envisioned in your head as a little girl. You say he was your best friend when he was sober, but it doesn't sound like he was sober most of the time. Watching our parents interact with each other and the world is our model for how to be. Children who are abused are that much more likely to grow up to be abusers themselves.

When a parent or set of parents brings a child into the world, their lives become forfeit. Everything they do should be for this child. A child needs to learn and be nurtured. If a father needs to choose between getting drunk in front of the TV or playing with his daughter in an effort to help her grow into a stable young woman, what should he choose? The decision you made to be with this man is very much related to the disappointment you feel in your father's lack of control over his own life.

[SecretlySad]

The decision you made to be with this man is very much related to the disappointment you feel in your father's lack of control over his own life.

That makes a lot of sense.

Oh God this is so hard. I KNOW there is no future there for us, yet I can't seem to end it.

Back to the money thing, it's even the small things now that are driving me mad. A few months ago the griller on our stove broke. As we are renting it's up to the owners to organise to have it fixed. My boyfriend said if the rent is raised we can then ask for it to be fixed. I said that sounded fair enough.

Weeks later our rent WAS raised but my boyfriend did nothing. Every time I have spoken to him (he is the one in contact with the owners, that's why I don't take it upon myself) about getting the griller fixed again he says "are you prepared for the rent to go up AGAIN if we ask for it to be fixed??". I mean how are we going to do something like raise a family if he is that concerned about $10 being added to our rent each week? I understand he is trying to save money but Jesus... I want a life!!!!! It makes me want to cry when I see all the wonderful photos from friends my age on pages like Facebook - holidays, parties, getaways. That's the stuff I wanted to be doing.

[cmacattack1]

We can really easily be envious of seeing other people's happy relationships, when in reality they have their own problems just like everybody else. However, when you have this mindset, it's pretty indicative of how unhappy you are in your own relationship. And it really has very little to do with getting the grill fixed, although that's just another thing to nit pick at. I think when those little things really get on your nerves, it shows how much you are holding all of this in.

You've been holding in alot of this for a while. It hasn't really gotten you anywhere and you are going to snap if you continue to do it. I feel he has settled a bit too comfortably into this and thinks that you will always be there no matter what happens because you love him. Little does he know that your love is fading out the window. It's sad because I used to have this same mentality too. As soon as she's in love with me, I subconsciously stop trying. But a relationship isn't something that you just settle into and give up on because if you do, you end up growing apart and not together. And that's what is happening now: growing apart.

If you believe you've tried every possible, conceivable way to communicate to him and get him to try and understand and help, what more can you do? I know it's not an easy decision and I know you are afraid to hurt him, but you might have to consider moving out for a little while. It takes some drastic things to really wake people up, that is if you even care if this relationship can last anymore. But don't be afraid of what else is out there, things will work for you and if it doesn't work out with him, it will with somebody else.

[SecretlySad]

Thanks for your response.

On the weekend we were talking to a friend of ours who told us she lived in England for 2 years. I was hanging on her every word and my boyfriend even remarked "that's something you want to do, isn't it?". He is fully aware of the life I want, yet continues to go through our relationship like nothing is up. Man oh man I am just so all over the place.

I love him, I really do, but I feel the best years of my life slipping away... what makes it harder is that he was a wild, rebellious person in his 20's, and he spent money like it was going out of fashion. He tells me he doesn't want me to make the same mistakes he did with money but I want to discover these things for myself. I have always been a saver and never ever been in debt, I just want to be able to use some of that money to enjoy myself... is that so much to ask?

I hope I am not giving off the wrong impression. This isn't all about money, even though it appears like it is.

[cmacattack1]

No it isn't, but you have a thirst for adventure and you want to go out there and live. I totally understand it. With my ex, I was the "too practical" one. She was the one that lived for the moment, did things on impulse, wanted to just live life. I don't think there is anything wrong with either attitude, but it's all about properly balancing it. I was too one way, and she was too the other. In a way we did compliment each other, but at the same time we were both very disorganized. It's been 7 years for you, and it sounds like it is getting a bit too stagnant for you. Which could be because you are at different stages in your lives, but it could also be because you have different goals. There are a million reasons why relationships fail. And sadly it's not always because the love isn't there. It's bad timing, you are different individiuals, you aren't growing together.

I remember my ex suggesting saving for a trip to go somewhere and I think made some complaint about it. I don't know why I was fighting it so much, and I certainly regret it now that we aren't together. Funny that you mention it.

It doesn't sound like you had alot of romance in a while. I'm sorry. To me, that one person that you want to share the rest of your life with is the one person that you look forward to spending time and bonding the most, doing different things, and sharing the experiences together. Maybe it's easier for me to say it since I'm single and all, but that's the kind of attitude I think it integral for growing together as a couple. And we all can lose our way. It's important to recognize the goals you have together and work towards them and get you both back on track. You have to both want to though.

[SecretlySad]

I remember my ex suggesting saving for a trip to go somewhere and I think made some complaint about it. I don't know why I was fighting it so much, and I certainly regret it now that we aren't together. Funny that you mention it.

It sounds like you still care for your ex, sorry to hear things didn't turn out as you had hoped.

It doesn't sound like you had alot of romance in a while. I'm sorry. To me, that one person that you want to share the rest of your life with is the one person that you look forward to spending time and bonding the most, doing different things, and sharing the experiences together.

Well that's exactly it. It has reached a point now where I almost feel as though I don't even want to go away with him anymore, because it's just complain complain complain.

I don't want to go and spend all my money and find myself borrowing off friends and family to fuel my "adventures", but not even being able to have a weekend away - 2 measly damn days - is killing me. There is always an excuse... it'll cost too much, it'll be too much of a hassle, it's too far, it'll be boring, I don't want to go away with them (when friends invite us away). ALWAYS SOMETHING! I have just... had it.

Romance? No, it's not around anymore. Chivalry on the other hand is still very much there, he is still very chivalrous, and he cuddles me and tells me he loves me every day at least once a day, that is a pretty good effort after 7 years, but romance? Nada. Even when we're intimate it's a routein thing for me now. He doesn't kiss me anymore, and when we're done he gets straight out of bed, no post sex cuddling or anything.

[enfant terrible]

Dump him, he seems old and boring. You can do better