Men, lets see if you can help me understand more, re: porn

[AzAlwaya]

Well, he came home for lunch and we talked. I made myself perfectly clear on where I stand with this issue. It is not acceptable for me. He knew this from day one. He agreed with me at that time. Hmmm, guess he is not the man I thought he was as apparently he lied then, all those years ago.

Pick my battles. Fair enough. It's a shame he choose to lie from the beginning of our relationship. It's a shame he allowed his step-daughter to come across what he considers harmless. It is a shame he cannot stand up and be honest and admit any thing.

So, it is looking to me that my children's stability is indeed the most important aspect of my life. With that being said, I have made a decision, and one that was not taken lightly or made in haste, to leave my husband.

He will have his freedom to be the type of man he wants to be and has always has been, not the man I thought he was. Nor the father his daughters thought he was.

He will be free to pursue his porn, as well as the dating sites he has been on, stating he was divorced.

Such a fool I have been. Out side of my youngest daughter, the past 12 years have been nothing more than a lie.

So I guess you who feel that I should be the one to change and the one to throw my feelings and thoughts aside, in order to benefit the marriage, it's too bad common decency in men, and some woman, is not as previlent as I had thought.

[lahnnabell]

If you made it perfectly clear that porn is something you are not willing to accept, then he was in the wrong to go behind your back and lie for years about it. It would have been one thing if he wanted to reopen the discussion and look into it as a couple, but he resorted to deception. However, there is a chance he felt ashamed of his enjoyment of porn, hence his decision to hide it from you. His leaving it lying out may have been a passive-aggressive attempt at revealing the truth to you. His lack of remorse for having lied to you is the real kicker here. You feel betrayed and it seems to make no difference to him. If that is how he sees things, it may be best that you give him the space to do as he pleases.

[dewilliams2]

Are you taking any medications?...I think you should if your not....you seem mentally unstable....or your a huge bitch.

Your going to throw away a 12 year marriage and break apart your family cause your husband likes to watch people **** on video?....newsflash....a lot of people like that. I mean I could see if you found a whole stash of child porn or something but just regular old porn your going to leave him for?

As has been said the only thing he ****ed up on was he lied about it....and your going to leave him for a lie?....not even attempt marriage counseling?

In sickness and in health as long as you both shall live....it doesn't say in the fine print..."unless your husband likes to beat off watching porn".

[Incognito]

I think the dating sites that he was a part of that listed him as "divorced" is the real kicker. Covering up a porn addiction is NOTHING compared to that. Get out and don't look back AzAlwaya.

Sorry DeWilliams, but did you fully read her last post? You might want to rethink what you just said.

[dewilliams2]

Nope...not gonna rethink it...I can't imagine giving up on a 12 year marriage without even attempting more than a conversation over lunch.

I know she is angry and hurt and any form or word that could describe the worst feeling in the world but at the same time at one point in time they were in love and something happened. I'm not saying the guy didn't **** up but at least try to figure out if it can be fixed.

[vashti]

Porn wasn't the problem. His lying and cheating with other women was.

[dewilliams2]

Pron wasn't the problem. His lying and cheating with other women was.

Yep...but still to give up after one conversation at lunch time is just ridiculous.

[vashti]

Yep...but still to give up after one conversation at lunch time is just ridiculous.

Maybe she was just looking for an excuse to give him the boot?

[dewilliams2]

Maybe she was just looking for an excuse to give him the boot?

Maybe...but 12 years is a long time...a lot of shit to split up...there are kids involved there is the emotional attachment with them not to mention the displacement they will be going through.

I mean there is a place for divorce but I would fight a lot harder to fix things then have a sandwich and go "ya know I think we are done here."...but thats just me. I think a lot of people give up on marriages way to easily because they have this romantic idea of what marriage is in their head.

My parents have fought like crazy and have stayed married for 33 years. My mom changed the locks on the house one time and nailed the windows shut so my dad pulled a wall off the house with his truck....insurance didn't cover that oddly enough....this was years ago but still they have had some heller fights and are still together and I know they love each other....don't know how they have stood each other this long...If I'd been one of them I'd of killed the other.

[lahnnabell]

Maybe...but 12 years is a long time...a lot of shit to split up...there are kids involved there is the emotional attachment with them not to mention the displacement they will be going through.

I mean there is a place for divorce but I would fight a lot harder to fix things then have a sandwich and go "ya know I think we are done here."...but thats just me. I think a lot of people give up on marriages way to easily because they have this romantic idea of what marriage is in their head.

My parents have fought like crazy and have stayed married for 33 years. My mom changed the locks on the house one time and nailed the windows shut so my dad pulled a wall off the house with his truck....insurance didn't cover that oddly enough....this was years ago but still they have had some heller fights and are still together and I know they love each other....don't know how they have stood each other this long...If I'd been one of them I'd of killed the other.

Where in the hell did you grow up?!

[Gigabitch]

Porn wasn't the problem. His lying and cheating with other women was.

I must be missing something. I can't find the part where he was cheating.

[dewilliams2]

Where in the hell did you grow up?!

Well it didn't happen every day and it was a one time thing...basically this was before I was born. My parents were having a lot of problems, mom had a lot of miscarriages before having me...10 actually. I'm an only child....but during that time they were having trouble conceiving I guess dad cheated on mom and I don't know everything but I know that is how it peaked cause it is kinda a joke in the family...generally my parents fights involve my mom yelling at my dad while he just sits there and then apologizes...of course he is usually the one that is wrong...after 33 years that man still falls into the dumbest wholes.


I'm just sitting there and something is coming out of his mouth and I'm just like...that is one stupid man...33 years and he still doesn't know what pisses her off...I'm only 23 and I know that is gonna piss her off.

I should also point out that dad is a really easy going guy but when you push him over the edge...which takes a lot of pushing you may as well be bitch slapping a grizzly bear....it gets ugly. I'm the same way. You can push me forever but when I have had enough you'd better ****in run.

[dewilliams2]

I must be missing something. I can't find the part where he was cheating.

She said he was on dating websites and had is status listed as divorced...don't know that is cheating...I mean I guess it is kinda...if he never met anybody though then I don't think it is...he just put himself in a position to cheat.

[vashti]

I must be missing something. I can't find the part where he was cheating.

It was an assumption, since he registered himself on a dating site.

[AzAlwaya]

No, I am not on any medication nor am I in need. Sure, I can certainly be a bitch. I don't know a woman who cannot be.

dewilliams, your assumption that the conclusion of my marriage was made prior to any attempts at salvaging it is mistaken. I suggested counseling two years ago. He was too busy. However, at that time (was not aware then) he was indeed being 'counseled' by the teacher in one of the courses he was taking during lunch.

I went to counseling myself.

Then came my daughter finding the trash videos on the computer. Not to mention my other daughter was the one who found the dating sites. She even walked behind him one evening, seeing some thing on the screen, not being sure what it was. She then walked back behind him and took another look. He was on True.com, chatting with some woman. She was 13 at the time. She threw up that night. I thought she had some bug. She was literally sick to her stomach because of what her 'father' was doing.

I still stayed.

Then the porno, again.

And all this time, lies. I don't give a rats ass if he was 'embarrassed'. That is pathetic. Almost as pathetic as doing what he was doing, especially on the family computer.

No, it is clear, even if it does tear my heart out, that this man is not the type of man I can remain with. There have been so many lies and so much deceit. My heart has been through a lot the past years. I do not deserve this and more importantly, my girls don't.

If you (general and also dewilliams) feel you are worthy of being the only one to keep a marriage together after all of this.....more power to you. Truly. However, I deserve more. I took my vows seriously. It's a shame he deceided not to. For better or worse includes myself and my own well being.