Has Anyone Been Through This That Can Advise Me Please?

[xxazurexx]

Edited: Privacy

[xxazurexx]

Edited: Privacy

[xxazurexx]

Edited: Privacy

[Incognito]

LadyR - I can't tell you how many women I know who divorced their husbands, only to end up marrying another guy who was just like him. Seriously, unless he is unfaithful, addicted to alcohol or drugs, or physically abusive, I don't see why you can't invest some effort in trying to save this. I understand boredom, but children do not generally thrive when their moms are dating like a teenager, rather than focusing their energy on their babies.

Why does everuyone keep saying this? It seems to me that she isn't bored, but has lost love for her husband because of his abrasive attitude and ways. I totally understand this. I can't say that I carry on emotional relationships with people at work though. I try to internalize my fantasies and try to be content with that.

I also think that prolonging a relationship ONLY for the sake of children is stupid. Why? Well, children know when there is turmoil in the relationship no matter how much ice cream you give them or how often you wait for them to go to sleep before arguing. THEY KNOW. With that said, you can either have a child wondering what is wrong and if it will end for years OR you can end the relationship (if it has utterly failed) and start the coping/healing process.

[vashti]

Incognito - Arguing and the like are behaviors people CHOOSE to engage in. Likewise, one can choose to NOT to engage. Of course, this requires one to act like a grown up and not indulge their emotional state when then mood strikes.

The reason I say "bored" is because I don't see any real deal breakers going on with the husband's behavior. He may be an oaf, but that is who she married. You might want to call this "falling out of love", but I think it looks pretty typical for marriages of any length. This is the part of the marriage where the "commitment" is supposed to take over, until the negative feelings subside, and they WILL, with some effort, (assuming no extreme behavior on either's part) because of the transitory nature of emotions.

Also, I can't help but be slightly amused that you would encourage someone ELSE to divorce when you refuse to do so yourself. At least the original poster has kids, which I think obligates her to act with more caution, but you don't even have that, do you?

xxazurexx - you need not be defensive with regards to my posts - I stated my personal criteria for divorce that wouldn't qualify as trivial, and you fall in that area. I'm not sure that is the case for the original poster, though.

[Gigabitch]

I have been in almost the exact same situation. My ex-husband was not the man I needed him to be. For the last four years of my marriage to him, I had a huge crush on this other guy who was everything my husband was not. In my case, I did drag my husband through counseling (pointless if he doesn't want to participate, like beating a dead horse), came up with things to do together to build "fun" into our relationship, etc. etc. etc. and I eventually gave up. It wasn't a tough decision because my ex drank like a fish and I didn't want my daughter growing up thinking that was acceptable. I think the verbal abuse you're experiencing might be a dealbreaker along the same lines, actually.

After we split up, my crush on the other guy evaporated. Completely. I still see him around, and have a fondness for him, like an old teddy bear or a movie I loved in fifth grade, but there is NO attraction whatsoever. This is because he wasn't the guy for me, he was just the representation of what my husband was lacking. I suspect this would happen with you if you were to find yourself in a position to actually pursue Work Guy. Recognize that he's not your prince on a white horse, he's just Mr. Not Your Husband.

I suggest you try to get some more going on for yourself. Take some classes, start spending some time with friends, volunteer for something if you can afford the time. I used to coach my daughter's soccer team and lead her Girl Scout troop. Tell your husband he CANNOT verbally abuse you any more- that's a terrible lesson to teach your daughter.

[Incognito]

I'm not sure whether I had already fallen out of love with my DH by the point I met this other guy, but it certainly didn't help... My DH is a good man, works hard, says he loves me etc. But he's also a very difficult person to live with - has terrible tempers and can be very mean to me (verbally, not physically). I find it tough living with him.

This is why I said what I said Vashti. Her words, not mine.

Also, I can't help but be slightly amused that you would encourage someone ELSE to divorce when you refuse to do so yourself. At least the original poster has kids, which I think obligates her to act with more caution, but you don't even have that, do you?

I can see how my advice can look like a contradiction, but I try to give people advice based on their moral level. She stated that she wouldn't have a problem with a divorce based on their differences itself, but that she'd stay because of her daughter. I won't divorce until someone cheats because that is the only true grounds for divorce the way I see it. That's my stance, not hers. She doesn't have a problem with divorcing because of his behavior (or other reasons) and is ONLY staying because she thinks that it will be best for her child, that's what I disagree with. If things have reached the point that the daughter is in tears asking if she is going to have to pick who she will live with if they divorce (as stated by her earlier) then something is seriously wrong. ANYONE who thinks that putting a child through that type of constant mental anguish instead of ending it and starting the coping/healing process because they think having two bodies in the house is better is misguided, foolish, and illogical. I'm sorry, but that's how I see it.

[xxazurexx]

xxazurexx - you need not be defensive with regards to my posts - I stated my personal criteria for divorce that wouldn't qualify as trivial, and you fall in that area. I'm not sure that is the case for the original poster, though.

Well in a reply to me, you had said that it was selfish and for me to hold the view that people should not remain in unhappy marriages and for the sake of kids
Maybe what I'd said had come across that I could just happily walk away from a marriage and for the least thing, but I hadn't meant it that way. Which I guess is why I gave a run down of a situation (my situation) as an instance, in which circumstance I'd happily walk away.

I'd also walk away from a guy who treat me like crap, who was physically abusive and verbally abusive.

In any situation and if kids are being subjected to something that isn't healthy, if things can't be fixed, then it's time to walk.
Unless you want dysfunctional kids.

We all walk into our marriages and with the best intention, our sole aim to make them work. We will do this, we will do that and our marriage is going to be 'different' and we will live happily ever after no matter what, etc, etc. You have to be in this situation and to know what you would do and in that situation to know what is best for your kids. What we say we would do and what we actually do, are two different things and until faced with it ourselves.

[vashti]

You have to be in this situation and to know what you would do and in that situation to know what is best for your kids. What we say we would do and what we actually do, are two different things and until faced with it ourselves.

What makes you think I haven't been in this situation?

[vashti]

This is why I said what I said Vashti. Her words, not mine.

I suppose it's all a matter of what you choose to emphasize. I emphasized the part where she said he was a good man that works hard and loves her, whereas you emphasized the part where he's "mean" . And again, the fact that she chooses to argue in front of her child (to the point that it is causing the child great emotional distress) is simply that: a choice. She can choose to do otherwise, and I think she should, since clearly the child does NOT want the household to fall apart.

[xxazurexx]

What makes you think I haven't been in this situation?

Because people who have actually been there, would normally share the experience. Gets their point across more effectively.

[vashti]

Because people who have actually been there, would normally share the experience.

Not everyone feels compelled to divulge personal info about their life. I certainly don't, and I think I can pretty effectively make my point without doing so.

[xxazurexx]

Neither do I. But when people such as yourself, rather than respect someones opinon and will instead resort to calling them 'selfish' for their opinion, then I tend to give my reasons, taken from real life experiences for why I feel the way I do.

If people were not so quick to judge and condemn the thoughts and actions of others and without knowing the full details or events, behind why people may thnk and feel the way they do, maybe I wouldn't have to share...

I will know in future.





And now I'm bowing out. Said all I wanted to say

[vashti]

Just for clarification purposes, saying you hold a selfish position is not the same as calling you selfish, and I think I pretty clearly stated that your reasons for divorcing were valid in my opinion. I'm not sure why are are being so defensive... Other people are not required to share your views on everything.

[xxazurexx]

It wasn't being defensive, it was fighting (politely) my corner....not that I needed too

But it's a lesson learned.