4 month dry spell broken, but it doesn't feel right...

[Mish]

What do you all make of this?

Okay, if it was me and I don't want to make you feel that you have to do this, but if I was in the same situation as you, this is what I would do.

I would seat her down and tell her. "The fact that we have sex so rarely is a problem for me, this is not working out for me and I can't go on like this. What I want to know is how this problem will be resolved and what steps you will take from your end to resolve it?" You have to be ready and know what you will do and say to bring this to the next level if she ignores you or denies this. Maybe it's time to ask yourself a question can you force yourself to continue a relationship where your needs are continuously not met? If yes, then you should drop your demands and force yourself to tolerate this. If no, then you know where to go from here.

[bah]

"The fact that we have sex so rarely is a problem for me, this is not working out for me and I can't go on like this. What I want to know is how this problem will be resolved and what steps you will take from your end to resolve it?"

That's the thing. The sex really isn't the problem, it's a symptom. If he approaches her like that they won't get anywhere. Something else is going on with her.

[Mish]

That's the thing. The sex really isn't the problem, it's a symptom. If he approaches her like that they won't get anywhere. Something else is going on with her.

I've been following Incognito's issue from the beginning and that's the conclusion I've come to.

But, maybe I missed something. What's your alternative solution to this?

[SirWagginston]

I just can't help but believe that you're delaying the inevitable, man. I know that's not a nice thing to say, especially given how messy the divorce would be for you. That's just what it seems like to me.

[vashti]

I sure would like to hear what HER take is. I'm sure her perspective is a little different. I don't think lack of libido explains a four month hiatus from sex. Most women will throw in a pity f*ck in less time than that, just to keep from feeling guilty about it. There's something more to this, I would bet.

[bah]

Most women will throw in a pity f*ck in less time than that, just to keep from feeling guilty about it.

LMAO! Yes, that is true.

[Incognito]

Perhaps if she understood the role of sex in a relationship, she'd feel guilty about it. As it is she seems to think that it is just something extra, not a necessary part. I'll also say again that I probably could have gotten a pity f*ck a while ago, and I probably DID get a pity f*ck earlier this week. That's not what I want though, I want whomever I'm having sex with to actually want to be with me. She has denied it, but I really do wonder if she was raped or sexually abused in the past. Her daughter immediately pops into mind. The story is that she got pregnant the first time she had sex in her 20s. My question was "why didn't you two use a condom?" I don't remember exactly what she told me but it sounded rather "weak". Plus she has orgasms, and despite this she never misses sex when we don't have it and NEVER initiates it.

I've already discussed this in a few threads, so I don't want to bore everyone with the same old issues. It was just that after actually having sex I didn't feel better, refreshed, or happier. I felt defeated, and like I had given in. Gigabitch made a good point that even though we did have sex, once in four months is pretty bad. I still have a valid arguement despite the fact that we f*cked the other night, so I feel a bit better.

[vashti]

Yeah, I've read your other threads. I would still like to hear HER side of the story; I am 99% sure it isn't the same as yours. I don't suppose she'd post here, would she?

[Incognito]

I doubt it. She'd more than likely just be pissed that I was discussing anything related to us to other people.

[RdHrshyKss]

sorry, i'm not as informed as others who have been here for awhile and have been reading your posts from the beginning, but from what i've read in this thread here, it definitely sounds like your wife has a self-esteem issue. and it just might be due to issues she's had in her past. i have low self-esteem and poor body image issues and i've found myself shying away from sex and coming up with excuses to not have it or initiate it because of that. my boyfriend would rightfully get upset, i felt guilty but his "pressure" made it harder for me to initiate it. this would just make him more impatient, would make him feel rejected and just lead to more shitty feelings between us. the way he would approach me about it would make me not want to have it, and in my mind, having sex when you don't want to is just the worst thing possible. it's a really crappy cycle, but the only way to get out of it is if BOTH of you realize it and make sacrifices to make it better. it's always awkward in the beginning, but you need to push through it. if she is having some issues within herself, and is in denial and avoiding them, nothing is going to change. all you can do is tell her that you are there for her, that you want to support her and help her get through whatever it is she is dealing with. that you want to be intimate with her to show her how much you care for her and vice versa and that it is an extremely important aspect of a healthy relationship.

but the only reason things between my bf and i are starting to get better is because i acknowledged my issues and wanted to do something about it. i came onto this forum and got some amazing advice and it has really helped me a lot. all i can say is that if your wife is going through a similar issue as i was, the only thing that would work is giving her a good kick in the ass...tell her you mean business and that you will leave if she continues to refuse to acknowledge your concerns. if she doesn't care, and continues to brush you off, you need to leave. you don't deserve to be dragged down into her crappiness when you are actively trying to fix it. when you leave, it just might give her the boost she needs to acknowledge her issues. it might be too late to save the relationship, but at least you will have a clear conscience in that you tried...

getting her on this forum might be good for her personally and for your relationship, i mean what else do you have to lose right?

[vashti]

I doubt it. She'd more than likely just be pissed that I was discussing anything related to us to other people.

well, I suppose I would be pretty pissed off if my husband were portraying ME the way you do with your wife. Still, I don't really see how anyone can be of any real help for you if we don't have any insight to what is REALLY going on with her.

[Incognito]

I tried to get her family to help her. Not with the sexual issues, but with her anger issues. She was furious that I spoke to ANYONE else about our problems despite the fact that she didn't do jack shit about them. I specifically didn't involve MY family because of possible favoritism. Her family still agreed with me 97% of the time because I try to be reasonable and logical. I really don't see this being any different. I later left her and that was the only thing that made her start changing.

[vashti]

Oh my god! My husband tried that once a few years ago (making my mother his confidant about a certain aspect of our marriage), and I am STILL pissed off about it. I think that was a VERY bad move on your part.

[RdHrshyKss]

i agree with vashti...if she was refusing to acknowledge her anger issues, after numerous attempts on your part to talk to her about it, you probably should have just left then. who knows, maybe a lot of her anger issues stem from her family and going to them about it made it worse? talking to them behind her back, in an intervention style, gave her a reason to turn it back on you and get upset. people like her, and me, will go to great lengths to excuse their behaviors. whatever it is that is bothering her, bothers her so much, that she will do anything to not have to acknowledge them. she will project things on you to help her cope. she has to do this for herself, and if she isn't willing to do that for the sake of your marriage than you are probably better off leaving her.

[Incognito]

Well that was years ago, and I don't care what anyone says......If YOU don't talk to your S.O. about your problems they WILL talk to someone else. Anyone who says that the only option is to just accept that it won't be talked about and let the problem persist can kiss my ass. And no I am not speaking to you Vashti (or RdHrshyKss) because I know that you aren't saying that if a problem isn't discussed that it should be accepted.