Wife pissing me off.

[Mish]

You said that a while back you used to do a lot more romantic and intimate things for her and you cut back on a lot of that because you didn't feel it was reciprocated. We have another member on these boards who also gets sex once every couple of months because his wife is feeling a lack of intimacy. Maybe when you started to cut back on the more intimate stuff, her disinclination towards sex became a type of passive ressistance. I think looking at the situation from this point of view will help to see how the past occurance of action and reaction have led to this problem. It sounds like the two of you need to seat down and talk. You need to tell her that lack of sex is an issue for you and you would like to find a way to resolve this. Bring a number of methods you would like to try for this to succeed in to the conversation (like being more intimate and romantic) and see what her reaction is.

[Mish]

So, are the following not romantic enough?

Getting flowers randomly 2-3 times a month.
Breakfast in bed every Sunday.
Making her favorite meals.
Going out for dinner (she almost never wants to leave the kids behind, so yah, they go to)
Getting movies to watch together.
Telling her I love her.
Baths.
Calling to say I love you.

It's not alot, and there very little wow (If spending money is required, I may as well go spend it on a hooker), but when I did it regularly, it was with thought and effort.
Even now doing it once in a while, it's thought and energy spend on just for her.

Someone give me their opinion, what's romantic? Sorry, what's romantic that isn't purchased.

You ask it as if it's the same for everyone. Ofcourse what people find romantic will differ for everyone, you have to know your partner sufficiently to be able to predict what will press those buttons for her. In the past I've been with girls who would melt at the sight of flowers and think that's the most romantic thing in the world and I also dated girls who would look at the flowers like a fish looks at a camel. One of my exs politely asked me to stop buying her flowers because she finds them embarassing. So you are pretty much talking about something which will differ for everyone. Let me ask you a question, how well do you know your partner? Are you sure you were doing something for her that she absolutely loves? Or the opposite? This is your partner of many years, do you even know what makes her emotional or excited, what are the things that she feels very passionately about or things that she finds to be the most important in the world? Saying that she doesn't tell you these things is really not enough, you need to go out of your way and use your intuition to find out.

[girl68]

You both need some counselling.

[girl68]

So she refuses to go to counselling?

[girl68]

Not even gonna hint at such a thing. It's guaranteed that she would take it as I think there's something wrong with her.

I'm really not trying to blame her, and I don't think it's just me. I think this a couples issue, and I havn't found a way to deal with it.

That's a pathetic response to refuse suggesting the very thing that could save your marriage.

I'm reading a book it's called love languages or some shit. Basically the idea is everyone has their own "language of love". In order for it to work between 2 people you have to know what your language is and know what your partners is and vice a versa. You 2 clearly do not have the same language.

For example mine language is: verbal affimation. I need to hear him say sweet nothings, tell me I'm amazing, awesome, compliments, sweet messages. It has to remain constant, and different. "I love you" once a day won't cut it. I have just learned this about myself.

My guys is not verbal at all his is affection. He knows he's loved and adored when I cuddle him, grab his butt, put out and basically thouroughly enjoy his awesome body.

So we don't have the same language but I know that to BEST show him I love him is through HIS way, not my way. (Though I do both...). And I told him that I need to HEAR those words come out of his mouth. None of "well, you should know I love you" crap.

So it's just different for each person and you clearly are not showing love through HER love language way. However, she needs to be able to know and communicate what it is she needs, and when that breaks down you NEED extra help; by that I mean counselling.

[Mish]

So she didn't seem interested in my books, no input = not interested. So I wasn't about to waste money at a resturant, so I hit a mc donalds for the kids.
AFTER it's all said and done, and about 4 blocks past a Bosten Pizza (on the way out of town), she pips up with 'I thought you wanted to go out for dinner?', so I said ok, let me turn around and we can goto BP's.
Well, that was it for the night.

And you think that was the right thing to do?

[Mish]

No idea.
Once she's given into a choice (after she verbalizes) I've made, there is no going back. If she waited till after I hit the McDonalds and past the BP's, it's done. Period.
This is who she is, plain and simple.

This question was directed at you. Do you think it was the right thing to do to promise to take her out to a dinner (implying restaurant) and then take her to a McDonalds instead?

[Junket]

Maybe you need to clock her over the head with a club and drag her to bed.

She might really dig that.

[centzontotochti]

If she's not giving you sex, go get it from someone else. What's she going to do??? Stop having sex with you??? Problem solved.

[bluesummer]

Is there any way you can get rid of ALL the kids for a weekend (grandparents?) and just go spend some time together? It just sounds like you guys don't get any time alone besides when the kids go to bed.

It sounds to me that with so many kids, just getting through a day without passing out from exhaustion would be a miracle. I don't even have kids, but if I come home from a particularly long day at work I can't stay awake for sex even if I wanted to.

[Mish]

I didn't promise anything. I asked, she said sure, I asked for input, she gave none, I assumed disinterest.
Obviously the wrong assumption.

Am I expecting too much by wanting feedback about where?

Granted, I could have (should have probably) just picked somewhere. So jackass point for me I guess.

When you look at the situation this way you really get to see how you can make a change for the better. Always look at it from point of view of what you could do to improve the relationship, not make it worse and things will get better.

[vashti]

Part of your issue (at least) is that this woman has spent so many years of her life either being pregnant, being in a post-partum state (which wreaks havoc on your hormones for up to a year after giving birth), and having so many little ones to look after. Her life doesn't sound FUN at all, and it doesn't sound like she even has fun with you. You really need to find a way to get her some time to herself, and also some time alone with you doing something nice. Bringing her flowers is nice, but it won't make up for her not having the time or energy to invest in just being a woman, and it won't make her have fun with you.

[vashti]

I can accept that family life can, and will have an impact.
I -know- she doesn't get enough down time.

I encourage and try to enable her to have her own time, beyond that I don't know.

Nobody holds my hand to ensure that I'm a happy person, or that I enjoy my life. I do that on my own.
I have a hard time taking responsibility for 'her time'.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

Nope. Not unreasonable at all.... unless you ever want to get laid. In which case you had better help figure out how to get her routine breaks from those SEVEN kids. I mean, really: I'm surprised she has time to shower, let alone worry about trying to meet yet ANOTHER person's needs, all the while dealing with post-partum hormones.

[DoubleEight]

Obviously your wife missed the age-old relationship lesson about how communication is key. If she's not going to change then I'm sorry to say your marriage is lost. Of course you can try talking to her about it, even giving an ultimatum, but if she won't cooperate then there's nothing else for it.

But whatever you do, I highly recommend NOT cheating. No matter how a woman treats you, cheating is never the answer for anyone, male or female. Think about what will happen if you do and the truth comes out - you have children to set an example for. I know from experience that little hurts worse then that sort of betrayal. No one in your family will look at you the same way again if you chose to handle your marital problems by seeking sex on Craig's List.

I truly sympathize. I'd about die feeling so cut off with all my efforts snubbed. I would go crazy without sex. If your marriage is truly intolerable, please handle it with separation, and if it it comes to it, divorce, and not with infidelity.

[silencer230]

Is this something that all women do once they get married? I sometimes wonder if they enjoy the bad boys in the 20's and get the sex out of their system. Then once they get a good guy in their late 20's and all of the excitement is gone they sexually shut down after they have a couple of kids. This is so sad, I'm 25 and I never want to get married now!