My wife cheated on me

[Raze]

No, there are a lot of girls who do the just sex thing too. It's not just a guy thing. I'd say it's more 50/50 rather than it being more guys than girls doing it. I've seen more stories of wives cheating on husbands than I have of husbands cheating on wives (just putthing things into perspective).

[Gigabitch]

Sure, wives cheat all the time, but their motivations are different. They cheat because the other guy makes them "feel special" or whatever. It's emotional rather than just about getting sex.

[Raze]

^^ I can agree with that, but what is this whatever you speak of?

[cancankant]

I'm going to agree with Gigabitch. The wives that cheat are usually using sex to snag their cheating partner. Yes, they can enjoy sex, but I think that wives are probably more apt to be involved in emotional affairs as well.

I don't hear "my wife is neglecting me" as much as I hear "my husband is neglecting me" --- unless you are talking neglect = no sex.
Husbands generally complain about lack of what they consider a good sex life while women feel used and abused because of household chores plus work and kids.

Of course, it can go either way.

[xxazurexx]

Raze

^Lack of attention at home for a start.

Another guy comes along and who pays attention.

[xxazurexx]

No, there are a lot of girls who do the just sex thing too. It's not just a guy thing. I'd say it's more 50/50 rather than it being more guys than girls doing it. I've seen more stories of wives cheating on husbands than I have of husbands cheating on wives (just putthing things into perspective).

We are talking 'married women'.....not girls.

[IndiReloaded]

I found out when that guy's fiancee came knocking on our doors 2 days ago in the middle of the night. She dragged along the guy with her, and let me read the text messages exchanged between them on his phone. Filled with explicit sexual contents that i never thought my wife is capable of, things she'd not say to me even. i promptly gave that guy a punch on the face.

Good for you and WOW, what a woman (the one who made her soon-to-be EX fiance fess up). You should dump your wife and get this^ woman's number. Tell her you'd love to go for coffee after she's done dragging him door-to-door and your divorce papers are signed.

Its not so much the affair as the fact your wife was apparently content to keep it a secret that would gall me.

Good luck. Feel free to come back and vent here if it helps.

[Gigabitch]

Good for you and WOW, what a woman (the one who made her soon-to-be EX fiance fess up). You should dump your wife and get this^ woman's number. Tell her you'd love to go for coffee after she's done dragging him door-to-door and your divorce papers are signed.

That's a stellar idea.

[misombra]

it would be so hard for me to keep a secret like that. sorry dude. kick your wife to the curb.

[eastwimd]

Thanks for all the advice.

Yes they did have sex. And what i gathered from her was like what some of you have said. That guy made her feel wanted and special. I work late and sometimes on weekends also, and to be totally honest, i admit that i neglect her sometimes. But i dont believe that justifies her going out and getting involved with another man.

I won't talk to the other victim now, that would be foolish. Shes vulnerable now, so am I, and getting close to her will definitely complicate things alot more. Shes a total wreck now though, hopefully she wont do anything silly.

Most of what you guys said, is what I have decided i'll do in the past, if i ever catch her cheating. I'll file for divorce, no questions. But being in this situation myself, its not as clear cut a decision to make.

I've informed her sister about it coz i cannot bear this alone. And her sister has been talking to her over the last few days. I trust her elder sister,shes a understanding and firm woman. And she tells me that my wife is truly repentant and willing to do anything to salvage this marriage. My wife is making alot of effort now, messaging, fessing up, staying out of my way coz i told her i dont want to see her face, more efforts in the house. But who knows how long that will last.

I spoke to another friend. He told me that any decision made should be made on a clear headed day. No influence should come from anyone else to give up or carry on. I mentioned to him that a cheat is a cheat, its who they are. He asks me to reconsider that notion. There are people who go to prison and come out to commit the same crime again and again, there are also people who come out and turns over a new leaf to be a better person, of coz not many. It all depends on where their threshold is. If the person sees prison as a "death sentence", a consequence worse than the illegal pleasure he seeks, and he has a chance to walk out of it, he will come to his senses. If he does not, then he will be a serial criminal til the charge meets his "death sentence". So is a divorce the "death sentence" for my wife with regards to the marriage, if it is, and she is given a chance to walk out of the gallows, she probably will be true to her words. Thats the decision i have to make and the risk i have to take. That if i judge wrongly, she will be a serial cheat and do it again after sometime.

Also, just like a President who pardons a criminal on death row, the criminal should be grateful and not question any decisions the president makes for him in the future, of course taking basic respect of a person in consideration. So if shes against that, and still wants to hide things here and there, and is offensive if questioned, then i should let her go. But if she were to open up, give access to her phone, her messaging, not be hiding in rooms to make secret calls or texting, and not be offensive when i question her, I should give it a go.

On one hand i think this is sensible, on the other hand, i wonder how long this can last even if she does open up. Will i smother her with my paranoia and kill the marriage eventually anyway?

Now, the thought of touching her sends a sick feeling to my guts. When will that be overcome?

Thanks guys, esp those who provide 2 sides of the argument. i do not think this is a straight yes or no question. There are not many complications if i decide to walk out. We have no kids, with only the property to sell off.

I will be thinking hard about this over the weekend.

[nerdy_guy]

Before you dump you wife, sew both her pussy and ass shut!

But, should you choose to follow this path:

I've informed her sister about it coz i cannot bear this alone. And her sister has been talking to her over the last few days. I trust her elder sister,shes a understanding and firm woman. And she tells me that my wife is truly repentant and willing to do anything to salvage this marriage. My wife is making alot of effort now, messaging, fessing up, staying out of my way coz i told her i dont want to see her face, more efforts in the house. But who knows how long that will last.

Regarding the one in bold, sooner or later, she'll start to feel that she's done enough, and that the guilt has been paid and does not hold water anymore. So you need to think about it as well.

[Bella82]

Eastwimd, if I asked you, If you could wake up tomorrow to the perfect situation, what would it be? Would you have your wife still by your side, and be able to trust her again fully with no paranoia? Or, would you be free of her, because it would be too difficult to rebuild the love, trust, and commitment that was destroyed?

If you decide you stay with her, not only will be an effort on her part to regain your trust, but also an effort on yours to begin to trust her again and let her prove that you don't have to be worried about this happening again. If you can honestly say, that in giving her a second chance you will be completely open to her efforts to change and also a new start to your relationship, then give it a try. If you go into it with doubts in the back of your mind that she will ever be the same person again, you might want to consider whether or not a second chance is worth giving - for both of your sakes.

Which ever path you decide to take, make sure you follow it 100% and not veer off. Make a promise to yourself to let go of whatever doubts or bad feelings you have, so that you can starting re-building your life. Use this experience to make yourself stronger.

Good luck, and I'm sorry about what has happened, but I can promise you in time it will get better. You just have to be open to that happening!

[vashti]

Also, just like a President who pardons a criminal on death row, the criminal should be grateful and not question any decisions the president makes for him in the future, of course taking basic respect of a person in consideration. So if shes against that, and still wants to hide things here and there, and is offensive if questioned, then i should let her go. But if she were to open up, give access to her phone, her messaging, not be hiding in rooms to make secret calls or texting, and not be offensive when i question her, I should give it a go.

I understand your disgust, but I don't agree with this portion. It will be a death sentence to this marriage. You have to either make the decision to take her back, stop neglecting her, and try to get past it all, or move on. You do not have the right to be crazy-controlling and punitive, though I am sure she would tolerate it for a little while. Taking her back means that you are ultimately willing to overlook your own feelings of insecurity until eventually they diminish, rather than punish her forever.

Considering the fact that you have no children, I'm not sure why you wouldn't just call it quits.

[Regnent]

I think people need to realize something.

Currently, ALOT of peoples additudes are very selfish.
There's been at least two general cycles where people are -taught- that they come first, and to do what you need to do, to get what you -want-.
There's been a heavy merge between what people need and want, and the result seems to be alot of poor behaivior and selfish additudes.

While the cheating is a big deal (arguably a deal breaker), I would recommend taking a few steps back and taking an inventory.
Is the rest of the relationship solid? Are you getting what you -need- out of it?
How many of your wants are being met?

Lets face a fact, it's getting harder to have solid relationships. If it's worth saving, move past the anger and distrust. Get some councling for both or her, and try to save it. This is your choice, not hers.

[vashti]

. This is your choice, not hers.

I think she also has some choice in the matter.

Additionally, I would advise you to stop talking to everyone you know about this until you have decided your course. If you decide to try to stay in this marriage, it will be hard to undo all the damage that is done by flapping your lips about her indiscretion, and she may end up not thinking it is worth trying to stay when she has to not only try to regain YOUR esteem, but also everyone else she knows. If you want her to stay, I wouldn't go about actively trying to ensure that it would be easier for her to leave and just start over.

(Clearly, I am coming from the point of view that is is WRONG to publicly humiliate people, especially when your own behavior played a key role in hers.)

One thing they say is that you need to "expose the affair" to everyone. Her friends, your friends, her family, your family --- everyone. It's a blow to your ego, but affairs thrive on secrecy.

Obviously, I think that is a terrible idea.