She Ran Off with the Best Man

[doppelgaenger]

Nah, don't feel that way. We've all had someone run off on us before, but they usually end up with just a scum of the earth rebound. You have my condolences since this ended up as a marriage, what a ****in' shame.

[RdHrshyKss]

she doesn't want to talk to you about it because she cares about what you think of her, and she knows that you would disapprove, so she is avoiding it altogether. i was thinking the marriage was a little longer than 6 months, that's a little absurd. i'm assuming she is attaching herself to this guy because he was her husband's best friend, so he understands the way her husband was and they've connected on that level. she is not thinking logically. and i think there is a very slim chance that this new relationship will work. they are jumping the gun on this and it will only result in problems. sounds like he also had issues with his marriage and jumped to her as an escape...they are using each other. if either of them were thinking logically, there wouldn't be this need to jump right into another marriage. maybe you should visit her and force a conversation about it. tell her that you will always be there for her, no matter what, but that you really need to express your concerns. that you completely respect that she may care for this guy, and that you have no issues with her being involved with him, but that you just don't understand the need to jump into another marriage so soon. they should both take their time with this.

it is a shitty situation that it happens to be her ex's best friend, but if her ex was a complete douchebag (you never really gave details as to the kind of stuff he did to her) then he got what was coming to him i suppose. maybe the best friend was one of the only people she felt connected to because he knew her ex...who understood what she was going through and gave her some sense of happiness and comfort through it all. i prefer not to judge people because none of us really know all the details of the situation.

[BrownDog52469]

Wow RdHrshyKss!! I think you're right that she turned to the best man because he knew her douche bag ex-husband and saw how he treated her and was supportive of her. She needed out of the marriage and rightfully so. I do not fault her for that. He was leaving his wife at the same time and they most definitly connected in that regard and used each other for mutual support and to escape their marrages. I think she is insecure about being alone and enjoyed the attention and the company. I don't know about his situation at all. She doesn;t talk about him to me. He could be the best man in the world for all I know (no pun intended) and I truly hope he is. I do not judge my friend and I can understand her need for support throughtout her divorce. After they seperated I made it clear through my actions and words that I am always here for her and her son and that I care deeply about their future. I honestly do not know what to do.....assuming she ever tells me. lol Do I express my concerns or bite my tongue? Either way, and whether this relationship succeeds or fails, she has a friend to turn to? She knows I would never judge her and am her friend regardless, why doesn't she tell me......maybe you're right; maybe she's afraid of what I will think. Should I really care so much?

[Agape]

BrownDog52469 why do you have to martyr yourself? . . . from an objective standpoint this make absolutely no sense why you're so self-less and sacrificing for a grown adult woman who is living her own life and is making her choices, and ultimately, living the consequences. This sentence stand out "I think she is insecure about being alone and enjoyed the attention and the company", she just sounds like a drama queen who lives off energy and confusion, she probably won't change her ways.

Everything I'll tell you will be negative.

[RdHrshyKss]

She knows I would never judge her and am her friend regardless, why doesn't she tell me......maybe you're right; maybe she's afraid of what I will think. Should I really care so much?

in short, no. like Agape said, she is an adult woman who is capable of making her own decisions. people only really learn from their mistakes. think of it this way, parents are always trying to protect their children from all the bad things in the world...but the best a parent can do is pass along their knowledge to their kids and hope that their kids make the right choice...they can't be there forever trying to control what their kids do, otherwise their kids will resent them and probably make the extra effort to do exactly what their parents told them not to.

it's a slightly different situation because a parent/child relationship is a little more complex than a friendship, but the ideology is very similar. seems like this girl has some codependency issues and although this jump to the best friend might feel good and be helping her avoid all the negative feelings from the divorce, in the end it's not a good choice on her part. she is not thinking logically. i have similar issues, but have come to the realization that i can't keep running away from my problems...i have to face them to overcome them, which means facing my fear of being alone. how old is your friend? i think the best help she could get is from a professional. she needs to go to someone who is uninvolved and unbiased, who she will feel comfortable venting to about everything. maybe through that she will be able to acknowledge some of her issues and want to do something about them.

i think the best you can do is figure out a way to get her alone and talk to her about it. tell her that you are worried about her jumping into another marriage so soon. that you understand everything she went through and that she might have this excessive need to be wanted by another. suggest that she consider going to a therapist to help her get over this divorce the right way...not through another relationship. she has to find herself, and from what you describe, it sounds like this girl has no idea who she is, what she wants and what she deserves. she won't figure any of that out by jumping into a relationship with this guy. if you want, suggest she read the book "eat pray love" by elizabeth gilbert...i think it is highly relevant in your friends case...she might be able to pick up a thing or two from it, i know i did. once you give her your advice, all you can do is let it go. she needs to make her decisions for herself, and if she chooses not to take it, then she'll just be back in the same situation when all the excitement dies down.

[BrownDog52469]

Thanks for putting so much thought into this guys. Yes, I am probably martyring myself. Her being a drama queen living off the confusion may have some merit to. Regardless she is a dear friend and although my head tells me what to do logically, my heart breaks to see her doing this. She is 26. She and the best man definitly used oneanother to get out of their marriages. I'm sure that he helped her avoid many of the negetaive feeling during the divorce. In every other aspect she is very level headed. However, when it comes to relationships she seems to suffer from low self esteem. She is definitly afraid of being alone. My fear is that she is selling herself short. She definitly did that with her ex and although I know very little about the best man, that fact that she doesn't talk about him makes me fear this could be the case again. Whether I talk to her about it or not, I don't know. It's her life to live and her choice to make. I hope he is a wonderful man for both her and her son. As tough as it may be, maybe the best thing a friend can do is be there for them regardless.