Need help convincing my ex

[sadie_genie]

No, don't get her closest friends and family to discuss it with her. Her decision is absolutely none of their business. The "right thing to do" is to let this woman make her own reproductive choices.

But evidently she is having trouble making a rational decision.

[MerryH]

How do you know she's irrational? Because the OP said so? I wouldn't take his word for it. This is a guy who is so cowardly and indignant that he's willing to change his entire life and future just so he doesn't have to mail a check every month for a child he was 50% responsible for creating. I think that's pretty irrational.

People have babies all the time in less than ideal circumstances. Is it the perfect place/time/partner for her? Probably not, but that's her decision. She'll have to live with it.

[BeingAlpha]

Read all the responses -- stick to my original guns.

As for the "irrational" decision -- irrational and ideal are totally different things. It is not ideal for her to have a child while still in college with little to no financial or emotional support. Is it irrational -- who the f are you to decide what is rational or not rational. Maybe her morals have changed, maybe just maybe when the situation was just a hypothetical it was easy enough to say I would have an abortion but when actually confronted with it she could not take the same stance.

As for the OP -- you can do what you like legally but you will never be beyond the reach of Karma.

[Raven_Skye]

I agree on you being an asshole. I am pro-choice, I am 28 now, but if I'd get pregnant I would have an abortion. But.. you never know until you get knocked up.. so until you become Arnie in Junior.. you don't have a clue what you're talking about. Fine, she's not nice for telling you she's going to sue you for child support etc, but you're an ass for saying someone's not to be trusted just because she changed her mind abotu having an abortion.

[IncognitoSir]

I hear where the OP is coming from but the thing is, once a chick gets preggo.....every single thing changes. EVERYTHING, you're not gonna have it your way......it's all her from here on out. This is why you shouldn't have sex unless you're ready for the babies and/or wrapped up really well.

[sadie_genie]

How do you know she's irrational? Because the OP said so? I wouldn't take his word for it. This is a guy who is so cowardly and indignant that he's willing to change his entire life and future just so he doesn't have to mail a check every month for a child he was 50% responsible for creating. I think that's pretty irrational.

People have babies all the time in less than ideal circumstances. Is it the perfect place/time/partner for her? Probably not, but that's her decision. She'll have to live with it.

No, not because the OP say so. It is pretty clear that it is irrational to do so if one does not have the financial means to support a baby or while the parent is still in school. Furthermore, it is clear that the baby would not have a good father or even have one. I don't think babies should be borne unless there is a good chance he/she will have a decent childhood with supporting parent (s) or guardians. You talked alot about woman's right but what about the right of the baby to have a decent life? It is more cruel to allow the birth of a baby knowing the baby will have a crappy life rather than not have the baby IMO.

[BeingAlpha]

Baby gets no choice to live or not live if it is aborted. So you ask me would I prefer no life or a difficult life? I am now done with this post

[MerryH]

No, not because the OP say so. It is pretty clear that it is irrational to do so if one does not have the financial means to support a baby or while the parent is still in school. Furthermore, it is clear that the baby would not have a good father or even have one. I don't think babies should be borne unless there is a good chance he/she will have a decent childhood with supporting parent (s) or guardians. You talked alot about woman's right but what about the right of the baby to have a decent life? It is more cruel to allow the birth of a baby knowing the baby will have a crappy life rather than not have the baby IMO.

I don't want it to appear that I'm coming down on you, because I'm not. You're not the asshole here, the OP is. I get what you're trying to say and I agree with you to a small degree, but pushing for someone to get an abortion is just as intrusive and unfair as anti-abortion people telling women they can't/shouldn't abort. And I can't really understand your way of thinking that the only possible way for a child not to have a crappy life is to have two good parents with degrees and lots of money. But whatever, you're entitled to your opinion, I just hope you don't go around pushing it on others.

[quangluan_bk]

The decisions right is of her and if she always keep her mind, i think that you'd better have an responsibility for the baby you and her create

[JKerr10]

How do you know she's irrational? Because the OP said so? I wouldn't take his word for it. This is a guy who is so cowardly and indignant that he's willing to change his entire life and future just so he doesn't have to mail a check every month for a child he was 50% responsible for creating. I think that's pretty irrational.

People have babies all the time in less than ideal circumstances. Is it the perfect place/time/partner for her? Probably not, but that's her decision. She'll have to live with it.

I was fifty percent responsible for getting her pregnant. There's no child yet, there's an embryo, and it won't turn INTO a child unless SHE let's it. Therefore, it's one hundred percent her responsibility if she chooses to have this child. If we had planned this child, or even if she hadn't sworn she wouldn't do this, then I would gladly help support the child that she is CHOOSING to bring into this world. I've worked hard to get out of a bad family situation and put myself through school, and I will NOT let someone else's poor judgment set me back now.

Thanks to Sadie and anyone else who is willing to take a rational look at this. I know I'm not a good guy here, but she's trying to control my life against my will every bit as much as you're all claiming I'm trying to control hers. I'm not going to allow this, sorry. I've got two really crappy options in front of me and I'm taking the less crappy one. Wish it wasn't this way, but what's done is done and despite what some may think I know the ball is in her court.

And I'll add that I'm fully on board with the idea that no life at all is better then a horrible life.

As for her, she was really upset last night, crying and everything. She couldn't even answer the simple question of how she was planning on providing for this child while it's growing up. Sound rational to you? But, like some have mentioned, there's probably not much more I can do. I've stopped picking up her phone calls, maybe she'll start to understand that I'm serious.

[MerryH]

You also exercised poor judgment by leaving birth control entirely up to her. And then to expect her to be solely responsible for dealing with an unplanned pregnancy is beyond selfish. What did you do to hold up your end of the "let's not have kids right now" deal? It's like you just washed your hands of the whole thing the minute she agreed to terminate any pregnancy. You're a fool at best and an uncaring monster at worst if you actually believed she would have absolutely no problems just skipping down to a clinic and making it magically go away for you. It is not that easy. It is a painful decision for most women. You should have prepared yourself for the possibility of her not being able to go through with it. You never should have held her to that promise. It was an unenforceable contract. Your ignorance doesn't give you a free pass to not be responsible.

Now you feel that she hadn't been straightforward with her intentions, but were you straightforward with yours? Did you tell her, "If you get pregnant and decide to keep it, I will dump your ass ASAP and flee the country"? No, you didn't. You probably didn't expect yourself to react this way, just like she probably didn't expect to want to keep a pregnancy. Have some empathy for her, goddamn.

So yes, you are 50% responsible for this. Do the right thing, and at least send her a check every month. Sucks, but these are the consequences of having sex with a female.

[Janegray]

It's as simple as this "We reap from what we planted."
people like you don't are about sin right?
and also you posted this in the category of a broken heart, are you sure?

[VincenzoG91]

and also you posted this in the category of a broken heart, are you sure?

Yeah, right? How can a heartless monster have a broken heart?

[quart]

First of all, you never know how'd you feel about a situation until you're in it. So you honestly can't make an agreement like that and blame her for not sticking to it. Second, i'm not even going get into my second point because its not worth the breath. Get over it. You knocked a girl up and now you have to deal with the consequences. Sex is for making babies, if you dont want a baby dont have sex. If you arent ready to deal with the consequences you shouldnt be having sex. Yep it sucks but thats the card you were dealt.

[quart]

I never said I broke up because she changed her mind about having a baby. I said I broke up with her because she changed her mind about having an UNPLANNED baby when we were BOTH in college, AFTER she'd promised that if the birth control failed she'd get the abortion.

I've already made the decision. If a child actually comes out of this, I'm not going to be part of it's life, monetarily or otherwise. She doesn't get to throw chains around my wallet and my conscience, without my permission, and after she'd made explicit promises not to in this exact situation. If necessary I'll just head back to my country of origin right after graduation, I haven't lived there since I was ten but I've got family and speak the language, and with an American degree I'll do just fine.

So that part's decided, whether living here or there I'm not going to let her ruin my life in this way.

The actual reason I'm here is for advice on how to have her see reason. It's not for me, it's for her. I'm done with the woman, I could never be with her again after this, but I still care for her. I don't want to see her drop out of college two years into her degree to start an endless series of dead end jobs so she can support a child that's not even here yet. What, you think she's better of being a 20 year old single mother with no education and no family (one parent dead, one disabled) over having a degree and a bright future ahead of her? She's not even three months in yet, she still has time to get her head straight.

actually she does... did you ask her permission before you knocked her up...? dont think so. So yes, she and the baby get to throw chains around your wallet