9 Years... Should I leave?!

[barbie2932]

Downwithlove, how are things working out for you? I'm just curious, cause I posted the similar situation with my bf...things are great when he is here and I can feel that he loves me and cares for me, but when we are apart????????
I can't figure out what is going on... I have 10 almost 11 years invested in this relationship and I DON"T want to give up....he will be traveling with his job for the first two months of next year, and then we have agreed to take a holiday together to an island resort when the job is done. He'll be gone all of next week and then home for three weeks before the extended leave. I guess I will just have to see how things go then. I'm totally confussed, I can't figure out how I could go from felling like I had everything to feeling like I have nothing, just in a few short months??? Does anyone have any advise for me. Read my post below for more information about mu situation.
thanks to anyone who wants to throw in their two cents!!

[DownWithLove]

Barbie, I think I know EXACTLY what you need to do. You need to decide if you want to be a Mentor/Step Mother to his daughter or you need to move on.

I don't know what kind of Dad he has been in the past, but it is clear in your post that he really wants to be a good father now. That is great! That is how it should be. It doesn't mean he loves you any less than he did years ago.

You really have to take this seriously. Really seriously. You can either support him or find someone else. If you want to be mentor to this girl, you cannot make him choose between you and his daughter. You need to help him have both of you. He can't be a parent SOME of the time. It's a full time job. If he's can't be with you and be a parent at the same time, he is not really being himself around you then. If you can support him you would need to start thinking like a parent. For example, instead of taking a vacation just for the 2 of you, make it for the 3 of you. You would also need to support him on being with his daughter as much as possible, including moving closer to her, you included. Can you think only of what is best for his daughter? That's what being a parent mostly is. He wants to be a good father and he can't do that by having two separate lives, one with you and one with her. That's not going to do it. He also needs support. Teenagers are hard work and they are much easier to deal with when you have a companion helping and for support.

However, this is not your child. This is a TEENAGER that will definitely put you through hell, push your buttons, and be ungrateful. You do not have to sign up for this, but he does. It is time for you to move on if you cannot think of this kid as your own and put her needs for a good upbringing above all else for the next few years, until she grows up. If you don't want to do this, that's fine. You have nothing to feel guilty about by him. He can't expect you to have to be a mother to his teenager.

It sounds like his values and goals have changed and this has put your relationship in a tailspin. Relationships need shared values and goals above all else. If you one day want to have a family with him, I would say that his change of heart is a good thing. He is growing up to be a father that cares. Just because we're adults doesn't mean we stop growing up. He realizes how selfish he has been and how he hasn't put his children before his own needs, which is what they need. He needs ways he can be a good father AND fulfill his own needs at the same time, together.

You have no choice but to give up the relationship you used to have with him. It's gone, at least until she grows up. Now, you can have a threesome relationship or you can go find someone who doesn't have children and make a new life with them. I believe those are your choices. Either way will be hard. You have to think of what you really want in the years to come.

I think all of his new behavior is a result of feeling torn. He probably feels very guilty about both of you. He probably knows he can't keep having two separate lives and that you are not happy. The situation you are in now is not good for either one of you. What are you going to do?

[DownWithLove]

Now back to my own problem... I know that dragging him to counseling is not the answer. Colleen hit that one on the head when she predicted the outcome. Counseling doesn't work if the person doesn't really want to work at it.

"Shiny new car"... Yes, I can see that. No, I don't think marriage would be a good idea right now. I don't think it is an answer to our problems and I agree that it would make my life worse right now. Thank you for those posts! Don't worry, I won't be getting engaged any time soon, even if he asks.

I did not give him a copy of my original post yet. I decided that last weekend would've been poor timing. It was Thanksgiving and he spent the weekend working on my car and putting in a cat door that I wanted. Why bring him down when he it trying (in his own way)? I will give it to him, but I do not expect it to be the thing that will make him have an epiphany. He has heard it all before from me. However, I will give it to him. It can't hurt as long as I don't expect it to do anything. I will post an update after I give it to him. He is out of town this weekend. So, maybe next weekend. Unfortunately, this isn't a problem with my communication, it's his "no maintenance" attitude on the "car" he is leasing. Why should he work for something he already has. Right?! That is just human nature.

[barbie2932]

I think this is more about him trying to get his daughter straightened out, then ending this with me. I know that he would never forgive himself if he didn't atleast try. What if she ends up in jail or something? That wouldn't be something I would want to live with knowing that I dind't even try to get her life on track. When him and I are together, things are electric and I can feel his love for me. Hardly what you would feel with someone who was about to leave you high and dry.... do you think I am wrong in assuming this?

He needs time to work things out with himself, and I just have to be supportive of him. It's not going to help matters any if I freak on him all the time.

It's just so hard when you are used to seeing someone everyday for 10 years and then you have to deal with seeing them once a week....

I'm hanging in there for the long haul, he's worth it!!

I can't be a stepmom to her really. Moving with him would not be an option. I own my own home, and I just couldn't do it. Besides this is something he needs to do by himself. He not only wants to be close to his daughter, it's his neice and nephew that are in the picture too. He's always been close to them and they will be going off to college in a few years and then they won't be able to be close. They have always spent vacations together, with him and his daughter. I never went because it was not my idea of a vacation, plus my son wasn't interested in going and I couldn't leave him alone. We had two separate lives when it came to him and his family. Now things could be different, because my Son has a partner and they spend all their time together. I am let's say a little more free now. Unfortunately, he's got his family and I'm not included anymore....I have always made remarks about his family that I regret now, too late... he remember's them and it's bad for me....

[barbie2932]

BTW, he's been a great Dad in the past. He saw his daughter every other weekend, she spent them here. About a year ago, she didn't want to come here anymore because, we lived in the country and she was used to being in the city, with more things to do. Plus she turned 14, hardly an age when a daughter wants to hang out with her Dad on the weekends. He bought her a new bedroom suit and she finally had her own room here, but that still didn't interest her in coming up. Then they would just see each other every other Sunday, and they would hang out with his brother and neice and nephew all day. That also stopped because she had friends that she wanted to hang out with....I believe that he feels that by him moving closer to her, she would spend more time with him. Unfortunately, that really hasn't happened. I just got off the phone with him and he was so happy because she spent the day shopping with him yesterday. He also was able to have her and his neice and nephew sleep at his place last night. I know he really enjoyed that! This isn't about him having someone else (another woman) it's just about him being close to them. I'm hanging in there....I love him!!

[DownWithLove]

What about having her visit every other weekend and she can bring a friend. You are absolutely right when you say that at 14 they are only interested in hanging out with their friends. I am going through that right now too. However, I think letting them combine their friends with their family life is the best way. You don't want kids to get too deep into hanging out with thier friends alone all of the time. I think that can lead to some bad life choices. You can't deny them of their friends either though.

She's 14. If she calls all of the shots it will turn out badly. He should probably take a little more control here. It is wrong for her to be the only one to decide when she will spend time with family. She's young and dumb (as we all were, she'll grow out of it) and is not mature enough to make these kind of decisions. It's not too good if she's allowed to only spend time with her dad when he will bring her shopping.

I know you don't really have a say in all of this though. Maybe you could suggest to him that he might want to try doing things with her and her friends, but missing weekends isn't an option. Let her know that family is important and her friends are too. She is to young to know best and doing whatever she wants isn't necessarily the best thing for her. I wish my father had stood up against me and had made some hard calls more often. With 20/20 hindsight, I wish I hadn't been allowed to make the mistake of pulling away from my family so much. He let me because he loved me and wanted me to be happy, but now I don't feel close to my family. I never was taught how to combine my independent life with my family life. I think it makes you a stronger person if you can do this. It's not something you realize when you are a teen though. You think your friends are the world.

[barbie2932]

She actually did spend one weekend here this spring and she brought along her girlfriend. They ended up on Sunday, going to watch her Dad play softball and they were bored out of their minds. Needless to say, they didn't come back again. He would never tell her anything about not spending time with the family....he won't say anything to her, he's just happy for whatever time he gets with her, even if it means taking her shopping. I think they went Christmas shopping yesterday. She does actually hang out more with her Mom's family. I believe that he is having a hard time with the fact that she's growing up and has another life. I went thru the same thing with my Son. We did everything together and it was just him and I for 10 years. Then I met my bf and my son started going to his Dad's everyother weekend...we used to do things together as a family when the kids were younger. One summer we all went to the shore for the weekend and his daughter was so bad and he didn't say too much to her about it. When we got back, I told my Son that was the last time I would go anywhere together. I planned a trip for my son and I the following spring to go to Disney World, just him and I. And I guess that was the start of our separate vacations...anyway, my bf and I are planning a vacation together in March, when he is done with a big project at work.....he'll need the rest and our relationship will need the fire. Hopefully it won't be too late to keep it going.

I will give him all the support he needs. I don't want to lose him, he's a great bf. He has done so much to my house and I want to share it with him. We have always talked about spending the rest of our lives together. I think this is just a speed bump in the road. I think it will do us good to be away from each other. When he does come here after we haven't seen each other for awhile, it's electric between us. I can look into his eyes and see how he really does care about me. Last week when he was here, we spent the night in each other's arm's. The next morning, I had to hit the snooze for an hour before we decided that we had to get up and leave each other go...he's always been a great snuggler. We went to bed every night when he was here, holding each other...........

What he needs to do with his daughter, I will let him do alone. If he asks me to join them, I will. I won't give him any advise, he has to do what he has to do, and by me saying something, it's liable to make things worse....the only thing I will give him is my support.
thanks for your input. If you have anything to add, I welcome your input.

As for your situation, I think if you love the guy, hang in there. We both know how hard it is to find a decent guy these days....if you feel like you have one, then work on it...it doesn't get any easier out there...that's my feelings anyway. Some would disagree with me, but, I know I got a good one and I am going to do whatever it takes to keep him...