My girlfriend and my ex . . . ISSUES

[reeba]

When you have a child you have to get along with your ex. It is in your child's best interest. And your child is your priority, right?

From your explanation, your GF sounds insecure, jealous, crazy (screaming fights?)....... She definitely does not have your child's interests in mind. So what do you find so endearing about your GF?

You need to have small talk with your ex in order to find out about the small things effecting your childs life that could grow into issue, or into accomplishments. That is how you stay involved. It isn't like the two of you are having dinners, or talking on phone for hours, or ect.

[augustus06]

Sooooo the point is pretty much she wants/prefers YOU to be RUDE to your ex....? That's what i'm getting from this and it's really unnecessary. It's not like you guys are having long drawn out conversations with each other about what you've been up to and how you still care about each other. It's more important to keep a civil relationship, what's wrong with being civil? And if you and your ex had unresolved financial issues i would want it worked out asap if i was your gf.

She wants the financial issues worked yesterday, as do I. I admit that I've handled that side poorly. My GF doesn't advocate my being rude so much as she wants the message to be clear that we're no longer married.

No, my ex and I don't have long, drawn-out convos. The most we've talked since '08 has been 1 talk about our son and the clear-the-air talk. And NO, we have not talked about "caring" about each other. I'm glad you wrote that. We know the story on both sides, and we're looking to go forward. Period.

[augustus06]

Does she have an issue with you being CIVIL with your ex? And sometimes civil isn't always cut and dry, that's something she just has to understand. For example when you respond to someone with "WHAT DO YOU WANT"?, that sounds rude. There's nothing wrong with getting along with your ex because of your child, as long you are clear that there's nothing going on.

My GF's point here is that I'm being civil with a woman who screwed me financially and probably cheated on me (I have no solid proof of that). GF's feeling is that I don't assert myself when it comes to difficult conversations, and I agree. The real rub is that when I've disagreed with my GF, the arguments have gotten very heated. She wants to know why I don't get that heated with my ex. The primary reason for my civility is our son otherwise I wouldn't have much to say to the woman.

[augustus06]

Sounds like the GF is a control freak. I've been divorced for 10 years and apart from the initial period after the divorce we've been very civil because we have two children and they are the priority - not some bitchy arguement about the past. If you're GF can't take then then I'd tell her to get stuffed. My current GF doesn't worry about my relationsihp with my ex and I don't worry about her relationship with her ex - frankly it's none of my business

I actually agree with you. I'm curious about why you feel what you feel, that it's none of your business. Some people would say you're opening yourself up to letting people screw you around.

[Yet another guy]

I really don't get your girl friends reasoning. I mean, being civil with her just shows that you are over her.

[augustus06]

When you have a child you have to get along with your ex. It is in your child's best interest. And your child is your priority, right?

From your explanation, your GF sounds insecure, jealous, crazy (screaming fights?)....... She definitely does not have your child's interests in mind. So what do you find so endearing about your GF?

You need to have small talk with your ex in order to find out about the small things effecting your childs life that could grow into issue, or into accomplishments. That is how you stay involved. It isn't like the two of you are having dinners, or talking on phone for hours, or ect.

In my GF's defense, she has been a wonderful addition to my life. I've leaned on her emotionally, mentally and she always has time to listen to me dribble consistently about how I hate my job and how money is tight. She is even willing to leave behind a beautiful house to be with me in an apartment. She's loaned money to me, she's very smart and compassionate, and very supportive of me and my career. This issue with my ex is the only area where I see this negative side of her.

I don't want to give up on this, because I'd hate for the two of us to split only to know that this issue could have been resolved with some easy steps between the two of us.

[augustus06]

I really don't get your girl friends reasoning. I mean, being civil with her just shows that you are over her.

That I am. Hell, my ex has a boyfriend who's keeping her very happy now. I root for this guy to keep her happy so she doesn't get any spontaneous wild hairs up her a$$ and I get caught in one of her atomic rages. LOL

[augustus06]

2 sides to every story. WE NEED TO HERE FROM YOUR GF! PERIOD!

Keeping my fingers crossed.

[hello1]

What is wrong with what your girlfriend wants? she understands you need talk to your ex about your SON but not about other things, personal things. Its hard enough for her this ex always has too be there but treating her as a friend is wrong. Just talk to your ex about the child, why is that so hard?

[augustus06]

What is wrong with what your girlfriend wants? she understands you need talk to your ex about your SON but not about other things, personal things. Its hard enough for her this ex always has too be there but treating her as a friend is wrong. Just talk to your ex about the child, why is that so hard?

Wow, your words look almost exactly like hers, so maybe she doesn't need to participate in the discussion. I'm sure she'll be pleased to find a friend in this. :-) To answer your question, directly, it's not about it being difficult to give her what she wants, I simply don't understand why it makes her so uncomfortable.

I have seen ex-spouses communicate in a civil matter and no lines get crossed. What these folks have in common is that they do what's in the best interest of the children even it means "playing politics". Conversely, I've seen quite a few ex-spouses screw their kids up by refusing to even be civil; and they wind up having to admit years down the line that putting their feelings before their kids' interests' caused the problems. Any parent will tell you that kids pick up on funky vibes. If we didn't have a child, I wouldn't even worry about talking to my ex.

My question to you, however, is how do respond to what some of the posters have written about my GF's behavior? Forget the labels, such as calling her "crazy", because she's no crazier than a lot of people in relationships. I want to get your thoughts on some of the more in depth posts.

[Horseyguy]

She jealous of your connection with your ex, simple as that. She doesn't want you being friends with her because that's a threat to her.

What's she's not seeing is that your ex is part of your life and you do have to communicate with her because you have a kid with her, that is unavoidable

Someone earlier made the point that the reason you can communicate with your ex on friendly terms is actually a sign that you are over her

You have to play the politics when there are kids involved and you have to be able to negotiate with the ex.

Maybe I'm just lucky that my partner sees the value in everyone getting along, there have been plenty of times where a shitty relationship with the ex could have spoilt something me and my partner had going on

My partner's dad had a major birthday few weeks back and they had a party planned, we were invited, it was my week with the kids. I had to do a swap with the ex so that I could go. I just asked if we could swap out a couple of days so that I could go stay at the partners as we were going to her dads birthday party, what do you think her response would have been if I didn't have a good relationship with her? and was my partner upset because I had to be civil with my ex so that I could go? of course she wasn't , she was just happy that I was able to be there for her.

And putting all the adults aside, the kids love both parents. There was probably enough hostility going on when the marriage broke down, it doesn't have to be that way for ever and the last things the kids want to see is constant friction between their parents. If you have a civil relationship with your ex it is good for the kids, plain and simple. My kids see me and my ex getting alone and working together on addressing their needs and that makes them happy, and as a parent, that's all I'm interested in

[Horseyguy]

Wow, your words look almost exactly like hers, so maybe she doesn't need to participate in the discussion. I'm sure she'll be pleased to find a friend in this. :-)

Well there you go, you found one poster that agrees with her so case closed

I'd personally be more concerned about the lack of respect she's showing you. What you talk about, with whom and how, is really your business not hers and her standing behind you telling you what to say and how to say it is controlling and disrespectful.

Not liking something and actually trying to direct the conversation between you and another party I just think is wrong, I'd have told her to either keep quiet or leave the room

[jgunprodigy]

The girlfriend responds......My beau, the amazing man that he is, has done a great job in describing how he feels about the one situation in our relationship that causes much angst between us. I fell in love with him for this very reason of being able to express himself in the written form so eloquently, not always as well verbally. With that said (the sound of a record scratching), there is the issue of the EX.

Now, I am a very private and guarded individual, however my beau is a very public and unguarded. He likes to refer to me as suspicious of everyone, and rightfully so. It also may be a little relevant to know that I do have a dual Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy and Licensed Mental Health, not practicing though. So, I know crazy. I am not the jealous type nor am I insecure or crazy and my beau has not given me any reason to be. However, he has been unaware quite often of the underlying motives in the case of the EX, and now it's no longer underlying.

My beau has explained that his EX is not the most honest person, nor did she have his best interest in mind before, during or after the marriage. It’s also important to know that she does not share the same values in regards to family and education, but people change. With that said, "Can a leopard change its spots?" It can hide or camouflage them, but the spots are still there. Error on the side of caution. Seeing as though I'm not stupid or dysfunctional by definition, I am fully aware of the communication that is needed between two parents and it's even better when it's civil. However, this EX has just come to the stark realization that she wants to be a parent now that her ex (my beau) has moved on and up (to a deluxe apartment in the sky). So the brief, short, almost non-existent communication before “for the sake of the child," in the very beginning of our relationship, has now ramped up, since she can no longer manipulate him or the situation. He would argue that there may have been a little conversation before, but now it's a lot more exploratory or "casual". Honey, there's a new Sheriff in town and she doesn't take to kindly to being taken advantage of nor the people she cares about.

In summation, the EX is a user and unfortunately there is a child involved who may or may not be used as a pawn to open up a conversation or to get his attention. Mind you, that does not mean she may not have some redeeming qualities, but she’s not my concern. My complaint is that my beau does not seem to think this is not a possibility. In the time that we've been together, his ex has suddenly turned over a new leaf, something that she was not willing to do even in marriage counseling for "the sake of the child". Please spare me, game recognizes game. Regardless of whether it is slick way to pry or not, if he keeps it moving, short and to the point, still being cordial and respectful then he won't fall prey to misinterpretation. I trust him implicitly. I don't trust her. She does not have my interests in mind and seeing as though she no longer has access to him at will; the only other key to the lock is the child.

Out of respect for me and our relationship, my beau should not find it difficult to talk about what is being discussed because it will be necessary when we are married. It is important to share and keep the lines of communication open with the one who loves you and has your best interest at heart. I appreciate all of you who commented and your opinions, regardless of whether you agreed or disagreed. I especially appreciate those of MerryH, surfhb, and Hello1. At least you all know there are two sides to a story and rather than commenting with a disclaimer, you all waited for the rest of the story. Hello1, I couldn't have said it better myself.

Forgive me for any misspellings because it is in the wee hours of the morning that I am responding, however I know it means a lot to my beau and I love him for opening himself to public scrutiny for the sake of love and understanding.

[hello1]

You know what this is not an issue, all the OP needs to do is just talk about his child with his ex, do not engage in conversastion with her. Hey guess what your with someone who doesn't want you talking with your ex! want break up with her over it? end relationship over an ex then do it but your girlfriend better off without you and your drama then.

[Horseyguy]

If she trusted him implicitly this wouldn't be an issue then would it?

According to the OP's original post he's talked to his ex twice since 2008 so it's hardly an issue, yet it is because she is choosing to make it one, and as for the texts (couple a week) I'd just ignore any that did not relate to the kid.

Only thing I could glean for the GF's response was she doesn't want him talking to / discussing things with his ex because she doesn't trust her. Sounds to me that she doesn't trust either his judgement or his ability to manage the relationship with the ex either which is why she has to have so much input into it, seems it's ok for him to communicate with his ex as long as it's on her terms.

I just think this is about control