My GF has no motivation, doesnt communicate, is reckless

[pisces25]

Her behaviour suggests she is desperately unhappy and looking for that one thing that will fulfill her. Been there done that. She needs to get to the source of her discontment and work her way up. I don't know if I agree dumping her is the right usually in relationships we are there for our partners if they are going through times. Granted she has showed signs of this behaviour throughout but you are still there so you must love her. Have a chat to her, tell her you are concerned and ask if she would be willing to see someone. She needs some guidance and support.

[brown06]

no I never thought that behavior was normal. It took me about a year to see it, we werent living together or sharing finances and I took her at face value for a long time. When she slacked off, I thought well thats a normal college student. When she went through those "weird" phases I thought well her mother did recently pass away. Plus she always had her own theories about why she would flake out. It would be any excuse in the book, finally 3 years in, I started to notice a pattern---the behavior was the pattern, and although the excuses changed with the wind, the behavior stayed constant.

I originally agreed to share finances b/c it felt like it would just be easier. She was ALWAYS calculating how much money I owed her while we were living together. I would pay for certain household bills or items and just not calculate it, and in the end of the month she would present me with some 500 dollar bill of random expenses and I would have forgotten which items I already paid for, and therefore I would be screwed.

This made me think that at least she was fiscally responsible. She was always doing the bills and doing digits and keeping balances. Now I see more like she was just keeping track so that she might be able to squeeze some money out of me.

I already left my job. I am down here for her anyway. I am a northeasterner, and we are in nashville for her program. I HATE nashville, I would be moving either way, no reason to stay down here.

Dont know how to leave her now, no job yet and no cash.

I keep hoping she will turn a new leaf. Just after I posted this, she came in and apologized for shutting down and explained that she just needs to get her head straight and recover from her grad program and figure out what she wants to do. I want to trust in that...but seriously the only job Ive seen her do was banana republic and it was HORRIBLE.

If she is freaking out and shutting down and you know having a hard time, i dont know how to help her! I tried to get her to see counselors, and she does, but she gets discouraged b/c they constantly tell her nothing is wrong and that she is just depressed. She refuses to admit shes depressed. She just got on prozac after much arguing, and shes better, no longer a couch glued to her ass. I am hoping to dear lord things will change. but Im not holding out too much hope. I plan to move with her, change accounts once we get jobs (she already said I can remove my name from the joint credit cards---idk if i can do it.---these are HER cards, after she got them, I put my name on the account, but I never gave them my social sec, I am just an allowed spender---does that mean I can take my name off it and off the debt?)

I dont own credit cards and after this experience I NEVER will.

I wish people would stop judging, things arent so easy to see when you've been with someone for so long and they look good on paper. Ivy league degree, 3.6 GPA, doesnt exactly scream I AM A RECKLESS FORCE OF DESTRUCTION

[tremolo]

I wish people would stop judging, things arent so easy to see when you've been with someone for so long and they look good on paper. Ivy league degree, 3.6 GPA, doesnt exactly scream I AM A RECKLESS FORCE OF DESTRUCTION

I don't judge you. Your girlfriend sounds like a very extreme version of me some time ago... out of curiosity, what is this grad program she recently quit?

[brown06]

speech pathology at vand. What happened with you how did you get out of the funk?

[ConniptionFit]

I wish people would stop judging, things arent so easy to see when you've been with someone for so long and they look good on paper. Ivy league degree, 3.6 GPA, doesnt exactly scream I AM A RECKLESS FORCE OF DESTRUCTION

Go to some Co-Dependents Anonymous meetings. Things will start to make sense after you go to several meetings.

[MerryH]

Wow, OP, that's rough.

But you know what? You can't help her. You tried, but she's got some issues, and she needs help from someone more qualified than you. Also, you need some help right now, too. You left your job, moved to a strange place, you left your finances in someone else's hands, etc. I mean, you ****ed yourself. Fix it. Get yourself un-entangled financially and then see if you want to still be with her. You could start by making some phone calls to those joint credit cards to ask how you'd go about getting your name off of them.

I dont own credit cards and after this experience I NEVER will.

Or, you could own some credit cards and be responsible with them and not ever let someone else have control over them. Are you blaming the credit card for your mistake? Kind of sounds like it.

[tremolo]

speech pathology at vand. What happened with you how did you get out of the funk?

Well, after my fiancee broke up with me because of my depression, and when I was likely to get kicked out of my program for lack of progress on my degree, I moved back to the States (was going to school in England), changed my thesis topic, spent the next 6 months getting healthy (mentally and physically), and then I got back to it. I've not finished yet, but at least now I'm quite certain will - and soon - and I'm in a lot better condition now than I was back then. So much so, I think my ex is really kicking himself for not hanging in there with me... which is why I think you need to assess whether your girlfriend's tendencies are likely to be an ongoing problem, or whether all this is circumstantial. In my case, I was under so much stress - not just from school, but other things as well - that I just couldn't handle it and began to act out in various ways.

I don't know much about speech pathology programs... how long they are, how much work they are, or whatever. But in my case, I began a 3-4 year PhD which has now turned into 6-7 years, partly due to problems beyond my control at my university, and partly due to my own passivity in dealing with all the shit that went down there. I don't know if your girlfriend's program would be comparable from a stress standpoint... but I know PhDs are notorious for bringing out the worst in people.

So, anyway... I think you need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend about everything that's been happening. Let her know that things need to change. If she doesn't recognize that there are major problems to be dealt with, you might want to walk away. If she does admit as much, and seems serious about fixing those problems, you might want to hang in there or to suggest a break until she can show you she's progressing towards a healthier, more stable lifestyle.

What concerns me though is that she put you two severely in debt without your knowledge. That's something I never would have done to my partner no matter how screwed up I was at the time. I think that's a really major, MAJOR red flag waving there.

[uklfstyle]

I don't judge you. Your girlfriend sounds like a very extreme version of me some time ago... out of curiosity, what is this grad program she recently quit?

agree you shouldn't judege you

[IndiReloaded]

Wow, OP, that's rough.

But you know what? You can't help her. You tried, but she's got some issues, and she needs help from someone more qualified than you. Also, you need some help right now, too. You left your job, moved to a strange place, you left your finances in someone else's hands, etc. I mean, you ****ed yourself. Fix it. Get yourself un-entangled financially and then see if you want to still be with her. You could start by making some phone calls to those joint credit cards to ask how you'd go about getting your name off of them.



Or, you could own some credit cards and be responsible with them and not ever let someone else have control over them. Are you blaming the credit card for your mistake? Kind of sounds like it.

Thanks to Merry, also Vince, for actually turning this thread from 'blame oriented' into 'solution oriented'.

I agree, OP. You know you messed up (duh or you wouldn't be posting). Question now is: what are you going to do about it?
HINT - beating yourself up over how stupid you've been isn't going to move your situation forward. Sure, kick yourself in the pants but in a productive way.

Good luck. Ignore the negativity on the site. They are here for their own issues.