I can't trust my boyfriend anymore. I need some advice.

[cupcakelove]

I'm having a hard time trying to figure how to respond to the situation. Right now he is in a behavioral hospital for the next 68 hrs and I have been communicating with his family about how he is doing. I talked to him earlier today and told him that my feeling about the relationship haven't changed. I think it would be best if I just cut off contact with him completely but its complicated because we still have the apartment together. I am planning on going to move my things out sometime soon when he is not there. The sooner I get my things moved out the sooner I can move on.

[MerryH]

I think it would be best if I just cut off contact with him completely

Good girl. Stick to it.

Maybe someone from his family can handle getting him off the lease or whatever needs to be done with the apartment so that you don't have to see him. Good luck.

[Jolicoeur]

I'm sorry to be the only one here with a divergent opinion. As far as I can tell, the only crime your (ex-)boyfriend has done was to write some weird messages and emails online. He has promised it would stop. He has assured you he has never cheated on you, and as far as you can tell he never has.

Ok, he may sound a bit like a creep, but that's mostly through your descriptions. I have no reason to doubt you, cupcakelove, but it is easy to have a wrong opinion based on a single side of a story.

I guess this guy is really vulnerable and probably a bit unstable now. But the flowers and the ring could have been a sincere attempt to make things better. He could be really in love with you. Trying to kill himself over losing you is a pretty powerfull message in my book (even though it is a selfish act).

VincenzoG91 is right. When the trust is gone, the relationship takes a turn for the worst. But sometimes distrust is based on illusion. Maybe it is for the better to break up with him. But only better for you. Not for him. I'm sorry to make this harder for you, but I feel empathy for your ex.

[cupcakelove]

Jolicoeur, I respect your viewpoint. But he promised me it would stop a year ago and it didn't. How many chances am I supposed to give him? Yeah maybe he didn't physically cheat on me (I don't know), but by sending those messages and emails he was being disloyal and dishonest. I do agree that the flowers and ring may have been a sincere attempt to make things better, but why would he choose to send me a promise ring at that moment when he could have bought me one anytime before. I don't doubt his love for me, I know that he loved me very much. And I don't believe that he tried to kill himself solely because of losing me. Yea, that is what triggered it and pushed him over the edge, but he has been emotionally unstable his whole life. This wasn't the first time he tried to kill himself. He had a rough childhood, his mother abandoned him when he was young and a lot of the problems that he faces now stem from that. When it comes down to it, I can't trust him anymore. I know that this may not be better for him, but I have to think about myself first.

[warriormaiden]

He sounds like he may have some mental issues.

[Jolicoeur]

But he promised me it would stop a year ago and it didn't.

I must have missed that. I reread your original post, and the only transgression was the text message to his friends. If there are other mails and messages, I'll agree with you, but you wrote it was tiresome and you didn't find anything.

This text message however is most likely something typically macho to say to ones old buddies. It's a common joke among male friends to tell someone he's whipped by his girlfriend or wife. In response guys say stupid things, like what he wrote. It doesn't mean he was really going to do that.

This wasn't the first time he tried to kill himself.

Well, that is a reason to leave him. If he failed to kill himself in two different attempts, then he's looking for attention. You're in for a lot of drama and trouble if you stay with him.

When it comes down to it, I can't trust him anymore. I know that this may not be better for him, but I have to think about myself first.

I guess you're right. If I could I'd recast my vote.

[cupcakelove]

If there are other mails and messages, I'll agree with you, but you wrote it was tiresome and you didn't find anything.

Sadly, I did find other messages. (right before I broke up with him) He admitted that he had been doing things on craigslist again. You must have missed that post as well. I honestly don't know what kept drawing him back to that. He thinks it has to do with his abandonment issues with his mom. He said he would develop a connection with these people and then basically abandon them. I don't know if this is the reason, but he definitely has some issues that he needs to sort out.

[Giggidy]

Something else for you to consider. If he truly suffers from depression, then it is unlikely you will ever be as important as whatever he is fixated on at the time. You will always be third place. This may not be intentional, but people that are truly lost and feeling helpless without a normal ability to recover (due to serotonin levels or other factor) genuinely find it difficult to handle any responsibility or be motivated by anything for a consistent period and will look for escapes and will tell lies 'in the moment' just to avoid a situation.

So with all the issues you are facing now, where do you think you would be in a few years. Would you even feel the same way about him? Oh and do not get caught in the 'What if they kill themselves because I leave them" trap. Been there, seen it, done it, made the movie. Whatever he chooses to do he will do. To be honest, you are a mix of emotional pressure as much as support and I suspect he for himself, is better off without you for a while.

It seems to me he will need a few years just to balance his life out to a coping point. If he gets there. He will need to go through medication changes (type and amounts) which throw behavior and emotion through huge roller coaster rides, he will need counseling to give him better coping mechanisms and behavioral therapy. Are you ready for your emotional life and needs to take a back seat to his and to find the strength not to collapse yourself through it all? Will he be the same guy you fell for at the end of it?

This may seem a harsh way of looking at this but it's the honest answer from someone with a lot of experience both professionally and personally dealing with someone in this position. He is in a terrible state and I am sure you are a wonderful person but to stay with him may well destroy you in the process and in truth, only he, with the help of professionals can work through this. And if you decided to stay with him, full of justified doubt and fear, whether you wanted to or not, you would end up trying to place controls on him which will probably make him act out more.

You have two roads, give him another chance, be hurt and face this choice again; or tell him that you love him but he is destroying both of you and needs to focus on healing himself while you try and put your life back together. Whichever you choose will hurt but the latter gives both of you a chance to address your lives and your challenges without worrying about your commitments or responsibilities to the other.