Ever have that moment...

[maxmax]

That's why I asked if Qwerty actually asked him to come and support her while she worried for her son or she just hoped, assumed and/or expected him to just come and he disappointed.

She shouldn't need to ask.

Granted, everyone makes mistakes, but him being a guy is irrelevant in my opinion.

I say that as a guy.

[Wakeup]

She shouldn't need to ask.

Huge mistake I'm thinking there, Max. Not asking for what you want in a relationship will often not get you what you want.

IMO: If you really want something then you should say "I'm sorry you're tired but I would really like you here with me for at least a little while, I could use a hug." Then after that he still didn't come... well then I'd say now would be the time to be disappointed and perhaps re-evaluate and discuss with each other priorities. Half the mistakes I see in forums where people are having problems with their SO is due to them expecting their partner to know what they want and the partner not delivering and/or lack of direct communication

[maxmax]

Huge mistake I'm thinking there, Max. Not asking for what you want in a relationship will often not get you what you want.

If you really want something then you should say "I'm sorry you're tired but I would really like you here with me for at least a little while, I could use a hug."

I didn't say she shouldn't have asked.

Yes, if you want something you should ask. However, in certain instances it shouldn't be necessary, and the fact that you do have to ask shows that the other person is just not on the same page as you when it comes to their priorities.

In most cases, it's not such a big deal, but when it comes to more serious instances, such as someone's child being hospitalised, you would rather hope that your other half would decide that it is a priority.

I'm not saying it has to be a big issue. It's down to Qwertz to decide how much of a let down this is to her, but so far how she is feeling is more than understandable.

I agree that if he wasn't forthcoming in attending hospital, then he probably should have been asked to come down, but it's not my place to determine how and what other people were thinking at the time, including him.

[qwertz]

I didnt actually say the words "will you come to the hospital with me", he offered to come to the hospital straight after work if he couldnt get the time off. We have hardly spoken today as he is sleeping and I am still at the hospital. I really dont know what to say to him, if he knows me at all he will know how much I needed him, especially yesterday.

[vashti]

Trust me on this: if you guys knew the nature of the surgery, you would agree that qwerty shouldn't have HAD to ask. Her boyfriend isn't mentally retarded, and this was one of the most serious surgeries a person (of any age!) can get.

All I can say is that I wish we lived closer, qwert. I would have come to sit with you, which I realize is a poor substitute for a loved one, but no mother should have to endure this alone, and I am really sorry you are.

[misombra]

Qwert we have all had moments where we just cannot believe how stupid someone can be. But if he's. A good guy then you should just tell him you would've liked for him to drink some coffee, sacrifice some peace for a little bit and be there for you. Its hard because you want them just to know how important it is to yo but I don't think he was intentionally trying to hurt your feelings.

I wish you luck with everything.

[misombra]

also remember, girls mature faster than boys.

[Wakeup]

Yes, if you want something you should ask. However, in certain instances it shouldn't be necessary, and the fact that you do have to ask shows that the other person is just not on the same page as you when it comes to their priorities.

My point exactly. That's why you need to sometime ask outright for what you want. Expectations often lead to disappointments.

I learned a long time ago that you can't EXPECT people to think the same way you are.

[quote]

Trust me on this: if you guys knew the nature of the surgery, you would agree that qwerty shouldn't have HAD to ask. Her boyfriend isn't mentally retarded, and this was one of the most serious surgeries a person (of any age!) can get.

All I can say is that I wish we lived closer, qwert. I would have come to sit with you, which I realize is a poor substitute for a loved one, but no mother should have to endure this alone, and I am really sorry you are.

As you said earlier, you've seen more woman who are able to muster up the strength to be the strong one when it comes to such things as operations on their loved ones.

My husband didn't have the strength to watch my mother die and I would have loved to have his arm around me when it happened but it was just something he couldn't handle. I didn't allow that to ruin the otherwise wonderful relationship we have.

JMO Qwertz; but I'd not let this train of negative thoughts towards him (from yourself or others) build up momentum at this point in time. Try to let it go for now and ASK him to come give you a hug when he wakes up. Again JMO.

[asdfg789]

First of all Qwertz, all the best and I hope your son gets well soon.

I just want to share my perspective as a guy : very often I dont want to be at a situation where I have to watch but am unable to help directly.
Hospitals are one such place for me. So maybe your guy falls into the same category.

Let him know how you feel. Dont write him off too quickly.

My 0.02

[qwertz]

Ughhh. Its 11pm here, he has not been all day and is now working until morning. I spoke to him on the phone for 5 minutes earlier- he was grumpy so i asked what was wrong and he snapped at me "im just tired".

I just don't know, him not seeming to care is pretty out of character, he has been nothing but fantastic with my son but is known for being grumpy- especially when tired. I feel very bitter towards him right now, that he hasnt visited us and that he cant not be grumpy for one fcuking conversation. I feel drained and emotionally exhausted, a reassuring phonecall would have at least helped a little but no, nothing. I cant see how I will forgive him for the lack of support.

[Jenswaiting]

I'm sorry to hear that he hasn't been there for you through this difficult time. Getting through something like this can be very emotionally draining and you need support from friends and family and especially your partner. I agree with Wakeup that you should talk to him about this when you can but try to not let this effect you. In the meantime seek support from reliable friends and family. Don't let this drain you further.

I hope your son recovers quickly.

[sadie_genie]

I agree with Maxmax. It doesn't take a genius to know he should be there. Being a guy is not an excuse. He might not be able to feel the extent of pain Qwertz is going through because its not his own child who is going through surgery but out of decency and love for her, he should be there.

[Wakeup]

Ughhh. Its 11pm here, he has not been all day and is now working until morning. I spoke to him on the phone for 5 minutes earlier- he was grumpy so i asked what was wrong and he snapped at me "im just tired".

I just don't know, him not seeming to care is pretty out of character, he has been nothing but fantastic with my son but is known for being grumpy- especially when tired. I feel very bitter towards him right now, that he hasnt visited us and that he cant not be grumpy for one fcuking conversation. I feel drained and emotionally exhausted, a reassuring phonecall would have at least helped a little but no, nothing. I cant see how I will forgive him for the lack of support.

I too am sorry to hear he hasn't made time to just drop by before going to work again, Qwertz. Did you tell him you wanted him to drop by to share a cup of coffee and a hug before he had to check into work? I think we train people how to treat us and if they are usually inept when it comes to this kind of thing we have to show them how, in these types of situation, how we would like them be there for us.

I do understand your disappointment though but try not to let the cries of "he should know better (or similar) get you even more stressed or depressed.

*

In the meantime seek support from reliable friends and family. Don't let this drain you further.

Good advice.

[Bo]

Why couldn't he have gone there and just slept at the hospital if he was so tired?

I'm sorry, and i don't know what is going on with your son but i hope he gets well.

[misombra]

I think he needs to be slapped. In the balls.