Needing him to tell his ex...

[al407]

Thanks for bring an outlet to dicuss this. I cannot discuss this with any of my friends or family since they do not know about the earlier "slip ups" on his part. If I did discuss it with them, I would leave out that very important fact (to preserve their future relationships, particularly when we get married). In doing that, discussing the situation without that fact, I would really seem irrational for feeling so strong about telling her. So, again, thanks.

[al407]

Ok. Here's the update. The last time we discussed the fact that I absolutely need him to tell her about me, he insisted it would not be doing that until he returns home for good in December from overseas where he is working (he comes home every 4-6 weeks now for a little under a month at a time). He is not telling her because of the long list of burdensome consequences she would pose if she knew. Ok...so if that is enough for him to override the burden on my shoulders...what should the consequences be if he doesn't tell her? At this point, he obviously thinks I'll just simply get over it. While thats not happening, he really does have it easier with me not telling her because I pose less of a threat. What can I do? I am not about ulitmatums, but...

[misombra]

the consequences of not telling her would have to be bigger than the consequences of telling her. so if you're willing to make life MUCH WORSE than just hell then he'd probably do it. you have to ask yourself, are you willing to lose him over this? because if you demand that he tell her and he doesn't want to do it, then that is the direction this may take. you're putting him in a very tough position here. you've already given him an ultimatum, you just haven't defined the "or else" part. tell me, what would you gain from her knowing about you?

[al407]

He slept with her early on in our relationship. In order for this whole trust rebuilding process to work, I need to have more control in defining boundries. I NEED her to know that there is a very big line that she is crossing in her daily efforts to get some emotional response out of him (usually manipulatively by bringing up their child as the excuse). That has been the primary reason. What issue this presents as this unfolds is that he knows to what extent this bothers me, beyond no end. Knowing that and not doing anything about it is like the example of watching someone drowning and just standing there watching it happen. This is not a comforting thought for future reference. If anything I don't want to set precedent that it is okay to see that I am suffering, no matter how much, and do nothing when he can.

[misombra]

his sleeping with her wasn't due to your lack of control over defining boundaries. if you're with someone, then that means you don't sleep with other people, plain and simple. she knows she is crossing a line with him, that's what she wants, she's outwardly trying to do that. he knows it bothers you but what do you want him to do about it? he can't take back cheating. how will him telling her about you stop him from cheating again? it won't, it'll make it funner for her. ex's don't need to know about current relationships. period. it's none of their business. it's okay that you feel upset over this i completely understand that and it's a shitty situation, but only you can do something about your suffering, you can't control what he does, you can only control what you do. he's telling you straight up, if he tells her she'll make life hell. do you want that kind of strain on your relationship?

[al407]

We already have strain with trying to rebuild trust from cheating on me in the first place. I love him. I have a bright future with him. She is going to be part of that picture for the long run, unfortunately. I think it is important we are all srtaight with one another from the get go...she's already going to find out that he's been lying about me for the last year. That's not starting out the right foot. I want her to start getting used to the idea of me now (while he is out of town...10 months to digest it). I don't care if it is more fun for her if she knows she's crossing a line, because I do and have to trust him. I would prerfer that if she continues it knowingly, that makes her a factual *****...but that window will be shut and we all still move on co-exsisting for the long run. Without her knowing, the window is still open in her eyes.

[Only-virgins]

With all that cheating I am amazed you two are still with each other. If I was you...I wouldn't even bother with a scum-bag like that.

[misombra]

i just cannot understand why it's so necessary that she know about you. from what i get you want her to know so that if she tries to get with your man, she'll know that he's cheating? this woman not knowing about you is starting you guys on the wrong foot? you want her to get used to the idea of you? that won't happen. her knowing won't close the window to anything. if she's the vindictive person you make her out to be it won't. the only way to close the window is for him to not cheat on you anymore. he opened the window, not her. people who are trying to forgive the significant others for cheating are always trying to blame the other person and overlook that the s.o. was involved too, and much more in the wrong because he was with someone already. answer this, if he didn't cheat on you would you still care whether or not she knew about you?

[al407]

(Thanks for all your feedback, btw) Well...I don't like being kept a secret...ever. If the opportunity to tell her without having cheated were to come up, yes, I would expect that he proudly and confidently announce our relationship. She doesn't need to know any more than that, I agree. I know the way I tell my exes or any guy I have come across in conversation with over the last year, they are left walking away knowing I am IN LOVE and off the market. They can try all they want...but sooner or later they know it is not going to happen. And that absolutely has made a difference with even the slimiest of guys. I don't think I would press it as much knowing the consequences he faces. BUT... you are right! He absolutely needs to take responsibility and be held accountable for his actions. While I trust the words he says regarding is commitment to me now, talk is talk, action is action. He needs to take ACTION in response to needs in this trust rebuilding process. I know she might not care...but I DO. That should be all that matters. Fair?

[misombra]

yes, fair enough. i agree that a slimey ex should know you are off the market and unavailable. but surely you don't need to have moved on with someone else to assert that position. you can be unavailable to a person and be free as a bird. and yes, i agree that your man should be proud and confident that he's in a relationship. but the only way he'll ever be able to regain your trust is to never do it again, simple as that. action through inaction. do nothing. i have a feeling that calling her out of the blue and him telling her that he has another woman will give her months to figure out how to create further drama in your lives. but i do agree with you, i would bother me if my man didn't tell his ex "i have another woman and she's better than you so you just go away." i totally understand that. but if you truly trust this person, you'll trust his motivation for not telling her. whether it be her making his life hell, or taking full custody of his child. custody battles are ugly. they last FOREVER and if a person is cunning enough, they'll lie to get what they want. my dad is an attorney so i've seen it with my own eyes. any insight into the other persons lives is ammo and if your man is trustworthy, he'll have you and his child at heart. what are his real motivations? do you know?

[al407]

Quite honestly, I think there are several possible motivations to interpret from this inaction on his part. 1) He doesn't want the custody issue to become more difficult (I don't believe he would lose his current rights no matter what this woman does...he has infinite proof she's a nutcase AND a better lawyer). 2) He could want to keep that window open (which I don't believe from a relationship standpoint, but a for future back-up sex maybe...but I trust right now that is not the case). 3) He could simply be avoiding conflict AND/OR dodging taking action full responsibility for what he did (this is what I think the case is currently). I don't think he needs to call her out of the blue and tell her...she gives him an opportunity to bring it up every day. She regularly makes comments (he shares his IMs he has with her with me) like, "I know you probably love the idea of another man being our daughters step-father, but I don't like the idea of another woman being a step-mother at all. When I find out you're dating someone else, I am going to freak and we are going to fight like hell." Ok, ok...part of my want to put this ***** in her place. But every other reason I have mentioned before exsists, is valid to some degree, and needs to be addressed not blown off. It is being blown off right now.

[misombra]

yeah, i'd agree with you on case #3. is the child with you guys or with her?
he's avoiding drama. men don't do well with drama, well, straight ones anyway. but, about the kid, with you guys or her?

[al407]

Typical custodial arrangement, he gets her every other weekend and one day on the off weeks. Again, they were never married and he is currently working out of the country...two relatively important things to factor in. He gets her for a handful of days on his leaves which are every other month for about three weeks at a time. That is an example of when the ex can become stingey and withhold visitation. Currently, she is SUPPOSED to be dropping her off at his parents (strong family setting and his neice and nefew around her age are close by) during his scheduled time to have her. The ex has been very flakey at best in keeping that going. She'll not drop her off and not call when they are expecting her. That's the kind of crap they already deal with when she's concerned. My point, she pulls this nonsense without knowledge of me...therefore, I know things might not necessarily change. Still doesn't change my position on it. If anything, it makes it stronger.

[misombra]

if she knows about you he and his family could have a very hard time seeing the girl. in custody battles, the mother gets the kid. she could be the craziest among them. she could be a criminal junkie, judges want kids to be with their mothers. especially if he works out of the country. and the mother could say things to justify not letting her daughter see the other side of her family. mothers are favored in custody battles. they carry the most weight. it's not right all the time, but that's how it is. in many cases, the courts trust the mother. she has a lot of influence. she's already warned him. and yes she is doing this without the knowledge of you and yes things would change. for the worse. i know it's a crappy situation for you but you have to think about him and this little girl who he and his family will have to fight till the death to see if she decides that she doesn't like the fact that he has a girlfriend. there's too much risk involved.

[al407]

Well, all that you are saying is true. However, she will know about me sooner or later. That is inevitable. She's going to be a nightmare, apparently, with or without knowing about me. Yes, there is risk in not knowing how much more of a nightmare she's going to be, but since she has to learn about me sooner or later...whatever results from it will result from it, I cannot be held responsible for her BS, that's all her. I still whole heartedly believe that this is just the part of the price he's got to pay for having done what he did to me. But it is not just about him paying a price, it's about respecting my needs pertaining to this issue. Sorry, but there have to be consequences to screwing around...this is one, and, yes, with consequences either way. As much as I love his family, the burdensome after affect of telling her trickling down on them is hard, but that is part of him realizing how many people it affects when you screw around. I cannot be burdened with this because he can't take full responsibilty for his actions. He has to tell her sooner than later. He is not going to lose custody. There is just no way (although I do know what you're talking about). Remember, I do think taking action on this by contacting his lawyer to discuss the best way to go about this is fine, too. It is action I am looking for, with a very specific goal in mind.