Should I?

**missanthrope** · 09-03-12, 09:55 PM

I would agree with that statement.

Gah, I sure do miss him though. I just don't want him to think I'm stalking or being ridiculous. If you were in his position, would you think that?

**miffy** · 09-03-12, 11:10 PM

Nope. I'd know the person acting like that was in love with me. You're scared of your own slight irrationality because you're so in love. Let it happen.

**missanthrope** · 09-03-12, 11:47 PM

I want this to work out so much that I'm petrified of approaching him again! It sounds so silly.

I've never been like this before. I just don't want to mess anything up.

**IndiReloaded** · 09-03-12, 11:58 PM

February 2012- He tells me he may have been giving me mixed signals and that it's better I don't stay with him. I tell him I understand, but I ask him why he told me he could have seen us getting back together? He says that at the time when he said it, he truly meant it but he is cautious over our history. He tells me that he will most likely change his mind and he'll let me stay with him.

This would be a red flag for me. He says this after all your effort? And you tell him you understand? No you didn't, you weren't being honest with him, just trying to not rock the boat.

Men commit to women who respect themselves. You are far too willing to bend over backwards for this guy. Stand up for yourself more and I think you'll see a change in his behaviour towards you. Indecisive men will often step up if they realize they are about to lose something they previous took for granted. If he doesn't then you'll have to admit he's just not that into you. Good luck.

**miffy** · 09-03-12, 11:59 PM

Perfectly natural to be scared of rejection when you've so into him. Deep breaths, take it easy, be yourself. You're allowed to be excited, enjoy it for what it is. You won't mess up as long as you're true to yourself.

**IndiReloaded** · 10-03-12, 12:00 AM

Originally Posted by missanthrope

I want this to work out so much that I'm petrified of approaching him again!

Exactly. Its obvious. And its going to be the thing that undoes your plans. Develop a healthy sense of detachment.

**miffy** · 10-03-12, 12:02 AM

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded

Exactly. Its obvious. And its going to be the thing that undoes your plans. Develop a healthy sense of detachment.

I think she has that, I mean look at what she's done so far, she has her priorities straightened out in life. I think she's just scared right now because for once, there's nothing really standing in their way except for him ultimately backing out after all. That's what she's scared of, and scared of how strong her feelings are after all.

**IndiReloaded** · 10-03-12, 12:07 AM

Interesting. My optics on the part I bolded are quite different. Feelings and even motives aside, I don't think he respected her efforts like someone who has been her friend for so long should have. She's in serious danger of getting shredded by this guy, whether he does it intentionally or not is irrelevant.

Unfortunately, you can't teach someone to avoid fear, only face it and allow it to pass through.

**miffy** · 10-03-12, 12:10 AM

"Fear is the mind-killer, the little death. I will allow it to pass through me and when I turn to see what remains, only I will remain."

Of course she's in danger of being rejected. Anyone is in a relationship. I think she is more than strong and stable enough to handle it if it does happen, she IS taking it slow, and there are plenty of other reasons to move back there except him. So it's not like she's giving anything up for him or putting it all on the line. The benefits far outweigh the risks here, and I feel confident that it'll work out for them.

**IndiReloaded** · 10-03-12, 12:14 AM

Hope you are right. Exactly about the Dune quote.

**missanthrope** · 10-03-12, 03:10 AM

Originally Posted by miffy

I think she has that, I mean look at what she's done so far, she has her priorities straightened out in life. I think she's just scared right now because for once, there's nothing really standing in their way except for him ultimately backing out after all. That's what she's scared of, and scared of how strong her feelings are after all.

Exactly. This is exactly how it is. I've been on my own for more than a year now; I've been able to step back and re-evaluate. I firmly believe had I never moved away, we would still be together. The timing was just not right. My feelings for him have not changed, but men usually are capable of moving on much more quickly, and I think it's easier for him to have moved on since he is not the type to sustain interest without physical proximity.

I think that he is the type of man who cannot sustain something long distance. Some people just can't. And now that I am in a legitimate position to move back (and I know he is still very single), the only thing that would stop us from getting back together would be him. In other words, if it didn't work out this time the only reason why would be that he is just not into me anymore. I am afraid of that! Who wouldn't be?

I have an apartment rented for about a week and am going to ask him to take me up to that mountain where he always wanted to bring me. I am hoping he will invite me to stay with him for the second week. If not, I'll find another place to stay.

I have to work on being more assertive when it comes to matters of the heart with him. How do I do that without losing him? I know people say that men respect women who respect themselves (and I do respect myself! I love the person I am), but how do I show him I am no doormat? It seems counterproductive to go NC (like I am doing), to say no when he asks me out, etc.

**haxan** · 10-03-12, 06:21 AM

missanthrope, you mention that you're not going there for him, but want it to work out so much that you're petrified that it won't. Those are pretty strong words, and I'm not even sure you realize you're saying them to some degree.

Men don't look at women that we're interested in as a doormat or as something to pursue. We're either into you, or not. Yes, occasionally we can be swayed, but only if true interest has been there the entire time. Someone's actions don't gather my interest, they just enhance it. A doormat is someone that I have no real interest in, but is there when I want an evening out, or to have some fun, and she always picks up the phone. Someone that I'm not really interested in that plays hard to get is just going to disappear from my radar by not picking up the phone. See where I'm going with this? Just be yourself.

I hope it works out for you, because from an outsider's pov, you've got your entire emotional stake put into it, whether you want to admit that or not. If you've had magic before, that can always be recaptured, so think positive and just be yourself, that's what we want, when we want you.

**missanthrope** · 10-03-12, 07:07 AM

You're totally right.

He fell in love with me once. I should just be myself and the rest should fall into place!

**IndiReloaded** · 10-03-12, 07:18 AM

Give it your best shot, its all anyone can do. Whatever outcome, it will be an adventure. Good luck, hope your dreams come true.

I hope it works out for you, because from an outsider's pov, you've got your entire emotional stake put into it, whether you want to admit that or not.

Ditto to this.

**missanthrope** · 10-03-12, 07:26 AM

Oh no dude, I totally admit it. I generally do miss him. It breaks my heart. You can't know someone for three years, have their child inside you, be fully accepted by his friends and family and then just forget it

But I have done everything I can to realize we're over. Because we are. But this is my last hurrah, and I'm going to take it.

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