Not sure if it truly is over yet? Need help!

[Bewsh]

That's not always the case, but in your case you act out because you see lack of love, that's a noble reason because you want her love. So you argue because you love her and you are seeing something that might hurt your relationship, or are seeing something that might show it's ending. So naturally you are trying to preserve it and that's a good thing and worth arguing about. You shouldn't argue about petty things that show selfishness. An example of selfishness is putting yourself before the relationship. Your relationship with her should have priority over you to you. And same goes for her. If each one of you put the other one first, then it's a win win situation.

The concern at this point is you guys broke it off while she was still seeing you as the "enemy" so to speak, so if that's the feeling she remembers last it's a very bad situation. And if that's the case in her mind you are the bad guy, not the person she loves, but the one who's against her. This needs to be fixed in some way. She needs to see you are not the bad guy, you are not a stranger. If all else fails and you are out of options try humor. Be lighthearted and make the situation less dooming than it seems. Basically, make it seem like this break up was a joke. Not that you were joking with her when you were breaking up, because that shows carelessness, but that your break up is not what it seems and it's just a little bump on the road, that can be fixed easily and that you both are overreacting (which is actually the case). And of course well placed flirty jokes, and jokes about the break up could help. Make her know you are not the loser in this break up - don't say she is though. Once you diminish it, it will not look so real to her and so will your being the enemy. Show of high self esteem will help this as well. She should see that you are a great catch and you know it. But, be very careful how you do this it has to be done exactly right and only if you do not see any other option to save it. But, if done right I'm almost certain humor will do the job, because it will make it look like the break up is a figment of your and her imagination because when you inject humor into something it makes it seem less real. To give you a small example. If you tell her she is fat and she knows for a fact you are joking, she will not be offended - it's not real to her (again if she knows in her heart you are joking...lol) Now if you were to say that to her without her knowing you are joking it makes a 180 and you get the complete opposite reaction. This is the dynamic we are trying to make use of here, to get your relationship back, because it truly is silly what people break up for these days, but it's very frequent that a tiny misunderstanding will grow to epic proportions when left unresolved. And never put your ego before the relationship, because when you do, that you will lose it and the only thing you'll be left with is your ego. This goes for both people in a relationship. Selfishness has no place with love. You always end up with one or the other.

To be honest, I agree entirely on how this has been a case of overreacting. I've said that right from the start. I feel foolish now for not even trying though, and just let it happen infront of me. But at the time I was in shock, so I didn't think to say "Well hang on a minute, the situation isn't even bad, it's been blown way out of proportion"

I can definitely see how the humour would work. We've both used humour in any sort of small disagreement we've had. For example the initial disagreement [can be whatever], we both get a bit moody as we talk about it, turn it into a MUCH lighter thing and it just clicks for the both of us and we laugh and say "That was so stupid"

i'll give you an example: a few months back I was busy with some things, she wanted to see me but I couldn't. Eventually after a few days I could see her, we planned to go out into town at around 11am. Every saturday I wake up naturally at around 8:30 - 9. I NEVER bother to set my alarm. For some strange reason that morning I didn't naturally wake up until about 10:40. I sent her a text in the morning "Oh crap just overslept, will be an extra 20 minutes" 20 mins later I met her down her road, she didn't look happy to see me, didn't get a hello, instead I got "Finally decided to get up then did you?" I thought she was joking so I laughed and said "Yeah I usually wake up way before that haha sorry" she still didn't smile. She then said "The thing is though, if this was a family day out you would have been up and ready on time, but the fact that it's me you feel like you can just be ready whenever you want" Cant remember what I replied with, but I did think it was very uncalled for. We then spent a 10 minute walk to the bus stop slightly arguing about it, just really small ridiculous things that I couldn't even believe we were talking about. I ended up getting quite frustrated, then all of a sudden she starts laughing and said "Wow this just isn't like us, arguing over something stupid like this" I said "Well you started it!" she replied with "No I didn't! you was the one who couldn't be bothered to wake up!!" but this was all said in a jokier way, then we both laughed and she said "Use your bloody alarm clock next time!!" we both laughed about it and we ended up have a REALLY nice day out together haha. Everything was forgotten about within 10 minutes after that.

When I meet her (If she wants to even meet up with me that is..) then i'll say exactly how I feel but in a more serious way, like as in, this is no game for me, I love you, I want you, just putting my cards on the table. If all that fails i'm resulting back to humour. If that fails then i'll bid her farewell and get on with my life.. I'm pretty sure she'd soon realise I was right about it all though, but then it's too late, I won't be waiting around

[searock]

See that's the problem with long distance relationships (which was basically the relationship you two had while you were ill and you couldn't see each other for a long time) - you don't have verbal communication and you can't just start laughing and see the funny side of it. That's why in an LDR you (general you) need to be a LOT more careful with what you say and how you say it. You don't have the luxury of petty arguments, because they almost inevitably end up in huge deals (not in a good way).

[Bewsh]

I think that what happened is that while you were ill, things were ok until you started being moody instead of communicating effectively. When that started and lasted for a long time, she felt bad because of it. The fact that you couldn't see each other made it worse because it was basically like a long distance relationship, in which, notoriously, even the smallest misunderstandings can grow into huge arguments and upsettings because of the lack of effective communication.

The relationship wasn't something that gave her joy and stability anymore. Quite the opposite, it gave her stress and pain. She was happy with other aspects of her life, and sad when it came to her relationship with you. She associated the negative feelings with your relationship, and at the same time she realized that she was actually able to be happy even without you.

When you met again after the illness, that was her state of mind. Then the club misunderstanding happened, which was the final straw that guided her definitively in the direction of "he makes me feel bad, I am happier without him". When she voiced her doubts and confusion to you, instead of fighting for her and telling her that you wanted to work things out, you told her that you'd been expecting it all along for a long time (implying that you knew that something was wrong yet you still didn't do anything) - making her feel bad once again, and thus confirming her thoughts.

Clearly she now associates you with negative feelings and painful good memories (painful because they are now gone never to come back). I don't think she wants to talk with you. There was a time, there were many times actually for that, now it's just too late. She feels and rationally believes that she is happier without you.

But if I were you, I'd still give it a try, if you are still in love with her. Tell her everything you've told us. If it doesn't work out, at least you won't have to regret not giving it a try.

Club misunderstanding was before we met up after my illness. And yeah I can agree with what you said about me being the negative part, then her friends etc are the positive side. It's like 'The grass is greener on the other side' sort of thing.

I'm definitely going to give it another shot, I know if i don't i'll regret it for ages. I'm still the exact same person before I was ill, I gave her the happiest times she'd had. She could go to parties, have fun, then come back and i'd be there the next day and she'd have an equal amount of fun out with me. This is what I need to show, but i'm not going to over do it and become a try hard/needy person. I used to do it by being myself, which is what I will do now. I just need to get her to realise that i'm still that person which admittedly will be the hardest part. I know for a fact she'd feel the same as before, there's actually no reason for her not to.

Will also admit that the last 2 weeks I was trying really hard to please her, almost as if I was putting on a new character side of me - not good. Was always serious but in a really sensitive way. Before I had no care of the outcome, I was flirty, affectionate, daring, always made jokes, always played little pranks, always confident. All things she loved about me. The past 2 weeks I had fear inside of me every single day. Everything I said to her I thought so deeply about before and changed it around in an attempt to make her happy. For example, just going back to texting because it's easier to explain, will give a few different examples below:

[Me before being ill - Morning text] "Sup beautiful. I've awoken! What you up to today? I'm bored. Come entertain me for the day " - She'd love that and be like "Okay let's go out somewhere"
[Me when/after being ill - Morning text] "Heyyyy good morning How are you today?" would wait for a reply, then i'd say "So what you up to today? " but would never want to push it and say let's meet up because I knew she was still a bit angry or something.

[Me before being ill - Random text during the day] "I feel like doing something fun, come join me on my adventure " once again she'd love it and say "Haha okay then, what do you want to do? "
[Me when/after being ill - Random text] "Hey you how's your day been? done anything productive? " just feared that being my normal self would push her away, so I became an overly nice guy

[Me before being ill - Night text] "Todays been fun, in bed now though so tired! Will be asleep in a minute so we'll chat tomorrow. Leave me a story for me to read when I wake up night. i love you"
[Me when/after being ill - Night text] "Ahh, love my bed, so comfy haha. You tired?" would wait for a reply, would wait until she sent one saying "I'm going to sleep now night2 and i'd reply with "Yeah me too, speak to you tomorrow nighty night"

I mean come on, compare the two. It's like two completely different guys. Before I was ill, I had NO fear of losing her, so everything I did was great and I had no worries. As soon as I had that fear, I turned into mr. I dont want to say something that might get on your nerves a bit.

The funny thing is though, I STILL speak to my mates like the me before I was ill. You know why? I don't have a fear of them leaving me. When I meet up with her, if this gets sorted, I'm gonna literally need to just drill it into me that she is staying, she isn't going ANYWHERE. And it's only until then that my TRUE self will come back around her, will be hard but I need to just 'pump up my state'. I think a way to get over this would be to involve myself with A LOT of other people, because the fear of her leaving (Don't mean this in a horrible way) wouldn't be as bad because I'd be able to surround myself with tons of wonderful people.

Just need the old me back around her, positive, loved anything life threw at me

[Bewsh]

See that's the problem with long distance relationships (which was basically the relationship you two had while you were ill and you couldn't see each other for a long time) - you don't have verbal communication and you can't just start laughing and see the funny side of it. That's why in an LDR you (general you) need to be a LOT more careful with what you say and how you say it. You don't have the luxury of petty arguments, because they almost inevitably end up in huge deals (not in a good way).

Lack of communication played a MASSIVE part of all of this for sure. I never thought it would be so vital really, I always thought texting and phone calls would be just fine. But in reality, it makes your mind think differently if something slightly wrong is done/said. Definitely learned something VERY important here though. LDR makes everything a WHOLE lot more sensitive, and blows everything way out of proportion if not being careful

[toknow]

I think you have the right idea. Try what you said. But, did you notice what humor did in the example you gave. It showed you guys that you are not against each other. When people argue about petty things it shows a lot of lack of love even if that's not the case. Many times people just argue to be on the other side of the argument because they are offended. They become offended when they see you go against them. Going against them, shows lack of love. So then the other person sees that, and they start to feel like that also. Also when a couple argues about something petty often times ego is put before the loved one (you should not show that you are willing to sacrifice the health of your relationship to prove your point in an argument), the other one sees that and starts feeling like they are talking to a stranger and responds with the same out of spite and frustration that they see lack of love from the other side. And this is how it goes on until it gets worse and worse.

In your case, when humor was injected it diffused the situation because it made it clear you are not "enemies" and are together side by side, not on opposing sides. Can't stress enough how important it is for your loved one to know that you love them in the heat of an argument! The reason why you guys have such petty arguments though is indicative that your love for each other is not being evident - meaning if it were shown in other areas of your relationship, during an argument you would automatically know you love each other and not get to the point of having to convince each other of it and would not take offense. But whatever the case it should be evident one way or another.

[Bewsh]

I think you have the right idea. Try what you said. But, did you notice what humor did in the example you gave. It showed you guys that you are not against each other. When people argue about petty things it shows a lot of lack of love even if that's not the case. Many times people just argue to be on the other side of the argument because they are offended. They become offended when they see you go against them. Going against them, shows lack of love. So then the other person sees that, and they start to feel like that also. Also when a couple argues about something petty often times ego is put before the loved one, the other one sees that and starts feeling like they are talking to a stranger and responds with the same out of spite and frustration that they see lack of love from the other side. And this is how it goes on until it gets worse and worse.

In your case, when humor was injected it diffused the situation because it made it clear you are not "enemies" and are together side by side, not on opposing sides. Can't stress enough how important it is for your loved one to know that you love the in the heat of an argument!

Yeah this is so true. I've also got to admit that humour/lighthearted things has been a HUGE part of our relationship. We've NEVER taken ourselves too seriously and we just have fun. The times when either of us have been quite serious, the other half will 90% ALWAYS ask "is anything wrong? you seem a bit down/different?" when infact nothing was, it's just that the humour side was down for a bit. (Obviously we have had serious conversations before, but you know what I mean) I think this could also be a huge part of the past month. I've literally shown NO humour whatsoever. Everything i've done has been so precise so to speak and so serious. It all refers back to a reply I just did about 30 minutes ago to searock. I mentioned how the fear of losing her got the better of me. I feared that if i joked around like normal she would get sick of it and leave. When infact that was probably all it needed! Wow, this has literally just suddenly become so clear to me now. Just hope it isn't too late :/

[toknow]

Now go get 'er tiger...lol

Yes it's very true, that when one feels they can lose much they become paralyzed with fear of losing and they mess it up even worse. Calm approach is also good because she picks up on it as well. Women are especially sensitive towards that. When she picks up you are nervous, her subconscious pics up on it without knowing what that nagging feeling is and that insecurity reflects on her whether it bounces off it still has an effect, rather than calm care free atmosphere that makes her feel secure and that you are in control of the situation and she has nothing to worry about.

[Bewsh]

Now go get 'er tiger...lol

Yes it's very true, that when one feels they can lose much they become paralyzed with fear of losing and they mess it up even worse. Calm approach is also good because she picks up on it as well. Women are especially sensitive towards that. When she picks up you are nervous, her subconscious pics up on it without knowing what that nagging feeling is and that insecurity reflects on her whether it bounces off it still has an effect, rather than calm care free atmosphere that makes her feel secure and that you are in control of the situation and she has nothing to worry about.

I've always had a very calm vibe about when i've been around her. This is something she loved and I think something that brought her even closer to me. The fact she could be herself around me, laugh with me, even laugh AT me when i've been stupid, and just have no worries that i'll suddenly snap or something. This month the calm side went, I don't really know what replaced it but it's best described as a shakey scared school boy. When I was with her the past 2 weeks (We actually only met up alone twice in this space, hardly gave it enough time to fizzle out did we!!) I used to just look at her facial expressions and analyse is constantly thinking "Does she want to be here with me?" "Is she not happy with me anymore?" And everything I did/said was in a sense, all put on to try and please her.

I was never calm and unresponsive so to speak. For example, before I was ill, if she'd pick something out that I did. I'd just laugh and be like "Weeeellll, yeahhh you know me, idiot 'n' all aint i ;D" and we'd both laugh. This time round if she ever said something, i'd be like "Oh yeah sorry I know" then i'd try be really apologetic.

Got quite a good example here as well actually:

Basically, when we'd been together for a year, I wanted to be nice and so I bought her a nice silver necklace with a heart on it. She absolutely loved it. At first she didn't wear it because she was scared of damaging it. I used to joke and say "Pffftt, did I spend that money for nothing then?! " and she'd be like "Noooo! haha, i love it but I'm scared of damaging it" Then eventually she said she needs to get over it and that she wanted to wear it. She wore it everyday and she loved it. She loves wearing jewellery, especially the 'accessory - for show' type of things, she loves to wear a lot of that accessory necklace stuff. So yeah, eventually after she wore the necklace for over half a year, the little clasp bit started to get quite loose, and she was walking around her house and heard a loud clang sound on the floor. The heart was on the floor and so once again she was scared to wear it out in public. When she told me, I understood and made another joke. I said "Oh, is it because you dont love me no more then?! [pulls funny face, laughs a bit]" and she KNEW i was joking so she was like "Nooo i do want to wear it i just need to get it fixed! "

Now, considering how she responded to that because it was all lighthearted and she knew it. If I said to her in a serious way "Oh, is it because you don't love me no more?" Straight away that would make the atmosphere WEIRD between us.

This is the mistake I made in the last 2 weeks. I met up with her and she didn't have the necklace on. I knew it was broken, and I know she loves wearing other jewellery too depending on the sort of outfit she has on. I saw there was no necklace and I said in quite a serious way "I noticed you haven't got your heart necklace on..?" then waited for her reply, (Before I would of said it in more of a rhetorical question) and she said "Yeah I do still wear it sometimes, I wore it around the house the other day, I just like to wear other jewellery as well though" I replied with "Ah yeah, it's just that the past few times i've seen you, you haven't had it on" she replied with "What are you trying to get at? Obviously you're trying to say something otherwise you wouldn't have brought it up" And there you go, me being serious INSTANTLY made it so weird for us. If I just said "Pfftt, not got your necklace on again then? [laughs]" probably would have been a whole different story.

And i'm not saying that would have instantly made ALL of this situation better, but I can guarantee she would have thought "Yeah this seems good he's more fun again" rather than what I said which probably made her think "Ergh, just give me a break already"

If she wants to give it another chance, gonna just have to totally repress the thought of "She could leave me" just forget about it and completely myself again, only then will it improve

[searock]

Look, if you were less "fun" it was because of the situation. Your behavior was coherent with the whole tension between you, which started when you were ill and escalated to that point of weirdness and detachment between you two. You were afraid of losing her, obviously you couldn't have been light-hearted and joking around - it wasn't the way you were feeling. If you had attempted that, it would have sounded forced and weird. In order to be a "fun" person, you need to be happy and light-hearted, which you weren't.

[Bewsh]

Ergh, maybe all of this, and all of this past week that i've been thinking through has just been a huge amount of false hope. We broke up monday, monday through til now we have both gone NC. Eventually today I came to the decision that I need to send her a text and arrange to meet up. Here's what happened:

ME: "Hey, can we meet up and talk soon? Can do tomorrow, Monday, whenever. Let me know please x"

HER: "Yeah i can do monday about 2, i'll give you your stuff back aswell"

ME: "Yeah 2 is fine. I want to talk some things through in more depth. Will meet you at the park x"

HER: "There's not much else to talk through but that's okay i'll see you then x"

That for me has pretty much just put the icing on the cake so to speak. Always hated icing on a cake anyways. All my hope of sorting things out when we meet have just been diminished. If she felt the same way as I did, and if she had been missing me this week and regretting it, she would have replied with "Yeah I want to talk as well" But she didn't say that.

This has really made me feel quite sad now. I know she isn't even going to acknowledge what I want to say, and whatever I do say will get a reply of "Sorry but I made my decision on monday"

My mind is being ridiculous right now. I know what's going to happen, yet i'm still thinking "Well we are broken up, I didn't show much effort, so of course she's going to reply with something like that"

Hate this.

[searock]

As I said, I'm pretty sure the ship has sailed for quite a while now. She is happier without you, every day that goes by she gets confirmation of this fact.

[Bewsh]

As I said, I'm pretty sure the ship has sailed for quite a while now. She is happier without you, every day that goes by she gets confirmation of this fact.

Yeah. Now the hard process of finding someone that's better than her. Feel like i don't even want another relationship again, ergh.

[searock]

It's a very normal feeling, after a bad breakup. Now isn't the time to look for someone else, it is the time to focus on yourself and find your own happiness.

[Bewsh]

It's a very normal feeling, after a bad breakup. Now isn't the time to look for someone else, it is the time to focus on yourself and find your own happiness.

I have absolutely nothing to lose. I once made her the happiest she'd ever been, and that was the case all the way until a month ago. I'm not letting this go without a fight. Once I know i've done all I can and she still doesn't want to work on it, then that's when i'll have to fully accept it. We saw eachother TWICE after I was ill. that is no time whatsoever to sort things out. She even said herself on the day of the break up that she wanted to personally wait a bit longer. Was the fact I brought it up she had to tell me how she felt AT THAT MOMENT

[searock]

Yeah I meant, after she tells you that she doesn't want to get back together.