Do ex-boyfriends come back looking to be friends?

[Maple1714]

In all 3 cases I would ignore. I am a bit of an avoid-er and I cut people off completely if they hurt me enough. I am in the process of ignoring someone and its def. hard. I have been in NC mode for about a little over a year now. I sometimes run into him and fight the urge to call him the next day for a walk/coffee/drink/sex lol.

I think that space is NEVER bad. People need a lot more of it. If you give enough space...years of time, then maybe people can change their perspective on each other and come back together for something better/a real second chance. It's just hard not to fall back into the same patterns with people. It takes real work and time for someone to change their thought processes/behavior to make any real difference.

[IndiReloaded]

Also, what is to be done when the ex is coming back for the above reasons? Do you treat them like an old friend (even though you know that being friends is pretty much the most difficult thing he could ask of you?) Do you ignore? Do you meet up and catch up?

He reconnects, we go out for coffee, we talk for about 1 month and then again its back to him not talking to me for up to 10 days at a time. I do not understand the male brain or its motivations...

It really depends. In your case, he broke off with you and you are clearly more invested in him than he is you. For your own sake, I'd stay clear. His actions aren't those of a guy trying to win you back or he'd invest more time and more consistently.

When he contacts you, you can respond politely but say you are busy. Take a day or two to reply. He'll get the message.

[haxan]

An analogy would be this. We didn't have a mean breakup, or someone betrayed someone etc. If I saw her on the side of the road with hazards on, would I not stop to see if she needed help or didn't feel safe waiting for a tow truck? Of course I would. It wouldn't mean anything other than seeing if someone you know and think pleasantly of, might be in need. I would appreciate it, I'm sure anyone would, wouldn't they?

[Maple1714]

Yes, anyone would appreciate it. Once an ex boyfriend of mine ran out of gas and was on the side of the road (for the hundredth time b/c he was irresponsible) and I just drove right by. I broke up with him soon after.

[IndiReloaded]

If I saw her on the side of the road with hazards on, would I not stop to see if she needed help or didn't feel safe waiting for a tow truck? Of course I would. It wouldn't mean anything other than seeing if someone you know and think pleasantly of, might be in need. I would appreciate it, I'm sure anyone would, wouldn't they?

This is a bit different, I think. There is a clear need here and a clear opportunity to help. Your phone call is a bit removed. Really, if she had taken you up on your offer of help, what could you have done? Were you in the same town or something?

[haxan]

Really, if she had taken you up on your offer of help, what could you have done? Were you in the same town or something?

Ya, we dated and were close by, it wasn't an LDR.

Hurricane's are different to prepare for. There's physical preparation, like boarding up or shuttering the house, in addition to making sure you have the daily necessities to get by for up to two weeks. If someone neglected, or didn't have the chance to prepare, they can be in big trouble.

You have to know the situation, the people involved and be honest with yourself about it. If you are, and if you have the ability to read and understand people, you won't make the wrong decision. If someone doesn't have those abilities, then a standard application and response in those situations probably works best. If someone does have those abilities, then it's unfortunate if they don't apply them in their personal life and interactions with other people.

[macman92]

It seems like he is doing what many guys and girls do all the time. He gives attention then when the tension starts to get a little high it is taken away. He is playing a game and you are playing into it. If you want to gain control over the situation you will need to cut down on how many times you contact him. When he contacts you make your responses simple and short. This makes him wonder about you by adding an air of mystery to yourself. Now he is curious of what you are up to and will try to make more of an effort. Just my two cents

[november]

It seems like he is doing what many guys and girls do all the time. He gives attention then when the tension starts to get a little high it is taken away. He is playing a game and you are playing into it. If you want to gain control over the situation you will need to cut down on how many times you contact him. When he contacts you make your responses simple and short. This makes him wonder about you by adding an air of mystery to yourself. Now he is curious of what you are up to and will try to make more of an effort. Just my two cents

Thanks, I feel you are correct.

But there is an added problem with ex's i feel. When you meet a new person playing the contact/no contact game if good and fun. It builds mystery and anticipation. But with someone that you have spent years dating already, doesn't it just make things more complicated? Or do men approach even exgirlfriends like new girls? Is the guy really thinking to himself "and now I will text her in 5 days... that will really get her going..." or is it a subconscious thing? I was speaking to a friend of mine on the subject of no-contact for long periods of time, and he said to me "are you thinking about him now all the time?" and I was shocked to find that the answer is more yes than no. Are men really such crafty geniuses or is it me getting to worked up? Also I've heard that guys like the chase, they like getting a girl that is hard-to-get... so ... MEN OF THIS FORUM... tell us... what hard to get behaviours are most attractive?

[vashti]

Are men really such crafty geniuses or is it me getting to worked up?

I don't think of men as crafty geniuses. Not at all.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Hard to get behaviors are not attractive, and they're pretty obvious. Men like women who actually are hard to get, not women who pretend they are.


To answer the question proposed in the title, no, ex-boyfriends do not come back looking to be friends, unless it is friends with benefits.

[Illusional]

exes always come back for one thing, .... sex.


raverboy

[IndiReloaded]

You have to know the situation, the people involved and be honest with yourself about it. If you are, and if you have the ability to read and understand people, you won't make the wrong decision. If someone doesn't have those abilities, then a standard application and response in those situations probably works best. If someone does have those abilities, then it's unfortunate if they don't apply them in their personal life and interactions with other people.

Kudos to you then, Haxan. You sound like a really decent guy.

[vashti]

He reconnects, we go out for coffee, we talk for about 1 month and then again its back to him not talking to me for up to 10 days at a time. I do not understand the male brain or its motivations...

Me, neither. The jackass I am trying to move on from texted me again yesterday to say that a friend of his died (leukemia), and it seemed cruel to ignore him, but when I asked him if he was doing okay, he said he was fine, and said "stop 'nursing' me". Well, jackass, if you didn't want me to 'nurse' you, why did you contact me?

Idiot.

[IndiReloaded]

Me, neither. The jackass I am trying to move on from texted me again yesterday to say that a friend of his died (leukemia), and it seemed cruel to ignore him, but when I asked him if he was doing okay, he said he was fine, and said "stop 'nursing' me". Well, jackass, if you didn't want me to 'nurse' you, why did you contact me?

Idiot.

That or he's trying some stupid push-pull thing. He sounds unstable. I know its harder than it sounds, but can you just block him from texting you?

Well, jackass, if you didn't want me to 'nurse' you, why did you contact me?

LOL, don't you wish you had actually told him this? Or did you, if so kudos to you!

[haxan]

Well Vash, you're in that difficult spot of applying good sense and great advice to your own personal life. Ya, it's tough.