What should I do about my "suffocated" girlfriend?

[Alexa103]

sherlock has given you good advice here. Shes probably seeing the oporunity to maybe find herself in a new country. how long is she staying in Germany btw?
It really seems she wants to be free, and I'm srry but if she doesn't appreciate the security a guy like you can give her in a relationship then its best to let her go.

So my suggestion are either:

talk to her!
.) and either break up
.) or settle for a time out ..that way ..it may not seem so final ..and you are allowed to date other girls ( and you can make sure she sees pictures of you and those because..and I think what backUP.. meant is that seeing other girls will definitely bring up jealosy.. and we should not underestimate what a powerful tool that can be! Though if you're still together it should seem like you're cheating on her.. but I don't think you would do that ,considering how you write about youe gf )

anyways ..give her that freedom that she needs ..if you push to hard ..she'll run anyway
and sooner or later a girl will see that that freedom is not as much fun as it appears to be ..

and if not.. at least you'll know !

[HeartIsAching]

Guys, he didn't come here to get others' opinions, he came to get his own validated. It's pointless arguing with him.

[TheDude8]

Actually, that's a pretty good post, Alexa. Might as well go with that.

HeartIsAching, might seem that way, but I'm just being hopeful. Anyway, thanks for the advice, everyone.

[Alexa103]

oh ups ..i meant * if youre still toether it shouln't look like your cheating! just clearing that up

[UdoKier]

You keep saying that if you do this or that, will it make her more interested. The thing is she has lost love/respect for you, the more love/respect you started losing for yourself. When she hurts you, or does, or says something you don't like, you need to get in the frame of mind where you are a little pissed and find fault with her, not blame yourself and become a mess thinking of ways you can change her image of you. If you can't live life for yourself first, you are going to find many future relationships in your life ending up just like this one.

[VincenzoG91]

People can change a lot when they first hit adulthood, and it's unusual for a relationship to survive all those changes. Let her go, and get on with your life. If you drag things out when she is ready to move on, you will spoil your pleasant memories of the relationship by adding in some bad ones. I've known some guys who got married too young, and their biggest regret was always that they didn't date more women before settling down. You've got some great years ahead of you if let her go and start meeting other women.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

BackUp, your solution to any relationship problem seems to be "start seeing other girls". It's silly.

The silliest part is that it does work, especially for guys in the OPs situation. Remember the guy from a few weeks ago that was getting strung along by the girl who said she didn't want a relationship? He followed my advice step by step, and now they're in a relationship. Seeing other girls does work. It works for me, it has worked for other people, and it will continue to work, as much as you don't want to admit it. The fact that it works is actually not the reason I give this advice though. I give this advice, because going after other girls(or guys) means you start moving on whether the person wants to get back with you or not.

[searock]

I give this advice, because going after other girls(or guys) means you start moving on whether the person wants to get back with you or not.

And this is exactly the reason I think it's silly. You don't need other girls in order to move on. Getting into rebound relationships (or even just having rebound sex or going on rebound dates) keeps you in the cycle of *needing* a partner in order to be OK. You never truly move on, you just dump your emotional baggage on someone else. The healthy way to move on from someone is to learn how to be happy and satisfied on your own.

I don't remember that guy, what was his story? Seeing other girls might work at the *beginning* of a relationship, when two person are still dating and one of them is undecided: seeing the other person dating other girls/guys can speed up the decision (whether positive or negative). It can also work if two persons are "on a break", again when one of them is undecided. I honestly don't think it can work when two persons are still in a committed relationship, because that is called cheating, and it destroys trust and respect. Maybe it works on really insecure partners, or partners who have cheated themselves, I wouldn't know. But on emotionally healthy people, I really don't think so.

[Wakeup]

It only works if you don't give a flying fk. Pretending your enjoying yourself when you're not is totally unfun. Anyone who has tried to do what you suggest, Backup and are not sport fkrs, certainly knows what I'm talking about and they know themselves well enough to wait for a bit until they get the wind back in their sails.

He followed my advice step by step, and now they're in a relationship.

Yea.. lets see how long that lasts. Manipulation only lasts so long ~ just until it actually wears off and the light-bulb moment arrives.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

The healthy way to move on from someone is to learn how to be happy and satisfied on your own.

I don't remember that guy, what was his story? Seeing other girls might work at the *beginning* of a relationship, when two person are still dating and one of them is undecided: seeing the other person dating other girls/guys can speed up the decision (whether positive or negative). It can also work if two persons are "on a break", again when one of them is undecided. I honestly don't think it can work when two persons are still in a committed relationship, because that is called cheating, and it destroys trust and respect. Maybe it works on really insecure partners, or partners who have cheated themselves, I wouldn't know. But on emotionally healthy people, I really don't think so.

Searock, you are in a 3 year relationship with a guy who was cheating on his girlfriend with you, and then dumped her and went straight into a relationship with you. Seems to be working out fine(3 years later), besides your occasional bouts of "he doesn't love me like I want him to". Good thing you let him learn to be happy and satisfied on his own. Ironic how you are a living contradiction of your own point.

I only read bits and pieces of the OP, so I thought they weren't still together. I was really responding more to the title, because falling off the earth and seeing other chicks is a good way to get back the "suffocated" female. As I said before though, the advice is really for the person to move on, and it does work(at least for me). I remember when me and my first g/f broke up and I thought I'd never be able to get anyone else. A few weeks later I ended up nailing my neighbor, and that was all it took for me to get out of that mind state. There was quite a bit externally on both sides that led to the break up. My whole life fell apart(not just the relationship), so I was feeling extremely down/trapped, so having that rebound as a crutch was good for me. I didn't really have a leg to stand on at the time, so connecting with someone else and hearing them say what they saw in me, was very helpful in getting back on my feet and helping me realize that life wasn't over and that I still had value. Now, I'm able to let go when things aren't working without much care, since I know there's always someone else out there, which brings me to Wakeup's point... I am trying to get the OP to stop giving a flying ****.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Yea.. lets see how long that lasts. Manipulation only lasts so long ~ just until it actually wears off and the light-bulb moment arrives.

Is it manipulation if he actually changes his mindset? It's easy to try and discredit what I'm saying by making a comment like that, but the fact is, my advice did work, so you can hope I'm wrong all you want but as it stands, I'm right.

[searock]

Searock, you are in a 3 year relationship with a guy who was cheating on his girlfriend with you, and then dumped her and went straight into a relationship with you. Seems to be working out fine(3 years later), besides your occasional bouts of "he doesn't love me like I want him to". Good thing you let him learn to be happy and satisfied on his own. Ironic how you are a living contradiction of your own point.

Even hypocrites can be right. Just because I say something and then I don't do it, doesn't mean that the thing I said is wrong.

Anyway it's not my case: first of all, he did not cheat on her with me. When we started dating, 3 months before he broke up with her officially, they were already on a break, with no indication that they should still be faithful to each other. So it wasn't cheating. And he never thought that dating me would somehow make her want him more or anything of the sort. He didn't break up straight away because theirs was a long-distance relationship, and he wanted to do it in person. Also: he chose to start dating me straight away. It isn't what I would have done, because I believe that in order to move on effectively, as I said, you need to be on your own. He didn't do it, and this is precisely the reason for which he had such a hard time during the first months to open up to me, emotionally and physically (hence my "bouts"). If he had taken some time to process the break up by himself, there wouldn't have been any problem. And just for the record, we've been together for about 1 year and 3 months, which is still a pretty long time.

I only read bits and pieces of the OP, so I thought they weren't still together.

Ok then, if that were the case, it might work. I still disagree on the reasons though.

As I said before though, the advice is really for the person to move on, and it does work(at least for me). I remember when me and my first g/f broke up and I thought I'd never be able to get anyone else. A few weeks later I ended up nailing my neighbor, and that was all it took for me to get out of that mind state. There was quite a bit externally on both sides that led to the break up. My whole life fell apart(not just the relationship), so I was feeling extremely down/trapped, so having that rebound as a crutch was good for me. I didn't really have a leg to stand on at the time, so connecting with someone else and hearing them say what they saw in me, was very helpful in getting back on my feet and helping me realize that life wasn't over and that I still had value. Now, I'm able to let go when things aren't working without much care, since I know there's always someone else out there, which brings me to Wakeup's point... I am trying to get the OP to stop giving a flying ****.

The things I bolded... an emotionally healthy person wouldn't need anyone else's help to realize those things. You need to realize that you have value regardless of what other people think of you. Using other people as crutches means that if you were to ever be alone, you wouldn't be able to cope, or you would find it extremely hard anyway. I think it's sad to be so dependent on other people.

[Wakeup]

Is it manipulation if he actually changes his mindset? It's easy to try and discredit what I'm saying by making a comment like that, but the fact is, my advice did work, so you can hope I'm wrong all you want but as it stands, I'm right.

Backup, you've read enough threads around her to know that quantity does not mean quality. As it stands right now, they are together but as I said if they simply last until she realizes that she only wanted what she couldn't have and once she knows she has it again, she'll likely do the splint on him which, will tear him even a bigger one then when she did it the first time.

You might as well say that voodoo worked because she's with him again. Voodoo would actually be a better scam because at least it would force her to stay ~ even if they were'nt happy in the staying.

If the dude you're talking about wasn't much of a challenge then I can see why you would tell him to back off and be less attentive and accomodating in order to stimulate her sense of accomplishment in the pursuit but to tell him to do other women as a remedy? Not so much.

I am trying to get the OP to stop giving a flying ****.

Then let him work out his pain through self-reflection and learning from his mistakes and processing one before he goes ahead and repeats and uses women as band-aids to heal.
You are talking about turning him into some sport ****er who gleans his self-worth through his sexual conquests. I'm sorry, but men who have dick-self-worth more times than not, make good short term mates but lousy long term partners.

I don't care if you are right or wrong about the dude you councelled... I'm simply saying that odds are its going to be a short term union... that's a crappy thing if he wanted it to last the test of time and be happy while whiling it away with her.

[VincenzoG91]

Anyway it's not my case: first of all, he did not cheat on her with me. When we started dating, 3 months before he broke up with her officially, they were already on a break, with no indication that they should still be faithful to each other. So it wasn't cheating. And he never thought that dating me would somehow make her want him more or anything of the sort. He didn't break up straight away because theirs was a long-distance relationship, and he wanted to do it in person. Also: he chose to start dating me straight away. It isn't what I would have done, because I believe that in order to move on effectively, as I said, you need to be on your own. He didn't do it, and this is precisely the reason for which he had such a hard time during the first months to open up to me, emotionally and physically (hence my "bouts"). If he had taken some time to process the break up by himself, there wouldn't have been any problem. And just for the record, we've been together for about 1 year and 3 months, which is still a pretty long time.

Oh yeah, I saw that episode.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Right, I guess you've known him for 3 years then or something? If you consider emotional cheating to be cheating, and I'm pretty sure you do, then he was cheating on her with you. You were trying get him to break up with her for quite a while I remember. He was still with her while lining you up. He was cheating on her emotionally with you, at least by your own logic from this thread. Anyway, my point is that you are wrong, because your relationship is working. It really doesn't matter whether he thought dating you would get his ex back or not, that wasn't the point of me bringing up your situation. I just wanted to point out that you can make rebounds work, not that I suggest trying to make a rebound work, but I do suggest having them if you can stay detached.

"The things I bolded... an emotionally healthy person wouldn't need anyone else's help to realize those things. You need to realize that you have value regardless of what other people think of you. Using other people as crutches means that if you were to ever be alone, you wouldn't be able to cope, or you would find it extremely hard anyway. I think it's sad to be so dependent on other people."

At that point, I certainly was not emotionally healthy. I had just lost over $100k, was facing a potentially lengthy prison term, and lost my first g/f of two years. I felt very worthless, and if not for having someone show interest in me, who knows how long I would have felt that way. Having someone else help me take my mind off my problems and show me that I could still have a good time was exactly what I needed, and who knows how long my funk would have lasted without it. Her belief in me, made me realize my worth, and pick myself up and start moving on with my life. In turn that moving on included me getting a high paying job, beating the brakes of my case in court, and realizing that I can get through anything. I think crutches are fine. You use it until your foot or leg is healed, and then you're all better. She was the crutch for my heart and mind, and now I'm totally fine with or without a girl. What do you think of people who go to therapy for their problems?