Break up. He called me drunk and told me I could have been the one buttttt.......

[confuser]

You seemed upset that he said you would be the one for him but...

I guess WakeUp thinks you're emotionally codependent, or seek some validation from him, because he's such a ****ing loser but you are still even so much as thinking about him. He broke up with you, ignore his contact, and stop thinking about him.

In addition to the fact I just don't agree with him, or understand his inability to be understanding or tolerant of my beliefs.. etc.

[Wakeup]

Being codependent hasn't anything to do with you having your own career or friends or any of those other things you mention. Read some literature on codependency. Google it and it will explain the symptoms of codependency. When what you've been saying points to the fact that you probably are codependent, then that's not being judgemental either.

It's a defense mechanism to try an turn this back on those who are giving you straight up replies, by saying things like "or maybe you are projecting your own issues." One doesn't have to have the issues talked about to see that they are indeed an issue ~ for you.

He broke up with you, ignore his contact, and stop thinking about him.

Yes, and stop worrying about how an alcoholic, manipulative, ill person judges you and start being less offended by the truth. His critique of you is insignificant, really!

I am not going to stop being his friend because that's not the way I roll. I am still friends with 75% of the people I've dated. I don't called people losers..

This is yet another sign. You know, it's okay to let people go from your life. Particularily if they're abusive, ill of mind, negative in general, or just not having the same personal boundaries as you. It's called being decerning.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

In addition to the fact I just don't agree with him, or understand his inability to be understanding or tolerant of my beliefs.. etc.

Even more of a reason to write him off, and not worry about why he thinks what he thinks. Yet, you haven't. Instead of leaving the intolerant, manipulative, drunk alone, you seem to crave his acceptance.

[confuser]

Being codependent hasn't anything to do with you having your own career or friends or any of those other things you mention. Read some literatute on codependency. Google it and it will explain the symptoms of codependency. When what you've been saying points to the fact that you probably are codependent, then that's not being judgemental either.

It's a defense mechanism to try an turn this back on those who are giving you straight up replies, by saying things like "or maybe you are projecting your own issues." One doesn't have to have the issues talked about to see that they are indeed an issue ~ for you.

No, it's the fact that I've been in other relationships where there was codependency, when I was younger, and I know that isn't the case here. I'm a social worker, and work at a DV shelter- I know about codependency. It was a short and passionate relationship, and it's over. I'm fine with that... REALLY. I go out and have a great time on my own... I'm not "waiting around". I'm pissed about what he said, and that I'm in this situation. I'm pissed about the intolerance, and in a few weeks it will blow over. We broke up 4 days ago... I am not being unrealistic.

[confuser]

We broke up 4 days ago. I don't crave his acceptance... I am who I am. I just am pissed off about it. He doesn't even remember us having this conversation because he was so drunk... I told hiim last night and we had a good friendly conversation about stuff. It's obvious stuff won't work like this. I'd say he is wanting to be with me more than I am with him. He is at war with himself.

[confuser]

Being codependent hasn't anything to do with you having your own career or friends or any of those other things you mention. Read some literature on codependency. Google it and it will explain the symptoms of codependency. When what you've been saying points to the fact that you probably are codependent, then that's not being judgemental either.

It's a defense mechanism to try an turn this back on those who are giving you straight up replies, by saying things like "or maybe you are projecting your own issues." One doesn't have to have the issues talked about to see that they are indeed an issue ~ for you.

Yes, and stop worrying about how an alcoholic, manipulative, ill person judges you and start being less offended by the truth. His critique of you is insignificant, really!

This is yet another sign. You know, it's okay to let people go from your life. Particularily if they're abusive, ill of mind, negative in general, or just not having the same personal boundaries as you. It's called being decerning.

He is ill of mind, yes. I have let go off people in my life that I feel are harmful. But once again, the break up was mutual. Mostly, he didn't want to drag me into his issues, and I didn't want to deal with them. And once again... 4 days.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If you didn't want to deal with his issues then why did you get involved in the first place? Surely, you had to realize there was a problem pretty early on with a guy that has the tolerance to kill a handle of whiskey in a day. You seem to have it all figured out, which is fine, but it leaves me wondering what you came to this advice forum for in the first place.

[confuser]

If you didn't want to deal with his issues then why did you get involved in the first place? Surely, you had to realize there was a problem pretty early on with a guy that has the tolerance to kill a handle of whiskey in a day. You seem to have it all figured out, which is fine, but it leaves me wondering what you came to this advice forum for in the first place.

I'm wondering too. I was just upset? I got with him because I had just graduated college and was partying myself. And he is just a fun, friendly guy, who I can work on music with. We had some natural chemistry. The handle of whiskey isn't the usual amount.

[Wakeup]

He is ill of mind, yes. I have let go off people in my life that I feel are harmful. But once again, the break up was mutual. Mostly, he didn't want to drag me into his issues, and I didn't want to deal with them. And once again... 4 days.

Okay, but the point is that you stayed with him with all his issues and you didn't actually break up until he made the suggestion. How long would you have stayed? You say that you spoke to a friend about it just prior to it happening... that means you stayed until you couldn't. You also say you are leaving the country. One wonders if you would have even considered leaving him if you were'nt leaving?

No one here is just going to answer your questions about why he didn't tell you... I'll guess though. He didn't tell you because he didn't care about your beliefs or lack of them. He simply used that excuse so he could beat you to the punch by breaking up with you first. That way, he saved some face and he's not the one who is asking a forum board "why"?

I'll mention one more thing: You said you agree with the poster that said you should try to make him see that he needs help. Anyone who is not codependent knows that you can't make someone do anything, that the only person you have control over is yourself. You have control over your choices, either you stay and let them be who they are or you leave and let them be who they are. If he wants help he'll get it when he himself realizes... not when someone else tells him.

Try to forget what he said to you ~ in the scheme of things, his opinion is irrelavent to your peace of mind because you're not going to let him manipulate you or your emotional response(s) a minute longer, right?

[confuser]

Okay, but the point is that you stayed with him with all his issues and you didn't actually break up until he made the suggestion. How long would you have stayed? You say that you spoke to a friend about it just prior to it happening... that means you stayed until you couldn't. You also say you are leaving the country. One wonders if you would have even considered leaving him if you were'nt leaving?

No one here is just going to answer your questions about why he didn't tell you... I'll guess though. He didn't tell you because he didn't care about your beliefs or lack of them. He simply used that excuse so he could beat you to the punch by breaking up with you first. That way, he saved some face and he's not the one who is asking a forum board "why"?

I'll mention one more thing: You said you agree with the poster that said you should try to make him see that he needs help. Anyone who is not codependent knows that you can't make someone do anything, that the only person you have control over is yourself. You have control over your choices, either you stay and let them be who they are or you leave and let them be who they are. If he wants help he'll get it when he himself realizes... not when someone else tells him.

Try to forget what he said to you ~ in the scheme of things, his opinion is irrelavent to your peace of mind because you're not going to let him manipulate you or your emotional response(s) a minute longer, right?

We had been dating for 5 months. I have been planning to leave the country for quite a while now... it doesn't really affect my choice to not be with him. But I am happy being single... so there was that in my mind. Before we broke up, I told him I was needing to have a serious conversation about things. A break up was inevitable. He know he needs help, I didn't need to tell him that. I still want to be supportive as his friend. I'm just pissed about how he can be intolerant of my beliefs, but like you said I just need to not think about it.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I would suggest you not concern yourself with being his friend.

[Maple1714]

Want my opinion? It hasn't been a very long time like you said, since you broke up...so your processing everything, which is fine. But, after reading all of your posts it sounds like you are doing some rationalizing. It's very hard to be honest with ourselves sometimes, and I think you are not being 100% honest. I think that the relationship was tanking and you both knew it...and he is just a mess so he didn't want to confront it or deal with it. You probably couldn't take it anymore, and people in your life may have been telling you to dump this loser...so you initiated the break up. The part that I don't think your being honest about is that you are in love with this guy...or some form of love anyway. You are hanging on to the comment he made about your religious beliefs b/c it hurt you and you do want him to think of you as "the one" b/c that makes the break (even tho you initiated it) easier for you. I could be wrong...but this is just what it sounds like to me...

Maybe there is a little bit of codependent behavior going on in all areas of your life? Not many people remain friends with 75% of their ex's...I don' talk to any of my ex's (except 1) b/c I just honestly don't care anymore...

You know how you can tell if an addict is lying? Their lips are moving. Nothing he says has much meaning...