very confused, not sure which way to go?

[sgp]

I see your point, but I really don't think there's any chance of an affair. I know me too well, and I wouldn't be able to handle her going home to another man. Not that I'm possessive or anything like that, but I just know how my head works and I would always be wondering why she would stay with him still, and honestly I would lose respect for her if she cheated on him. So I'll just sit back and see what she does, I hope for her sake she can leave him, not for me but for her and her kids. But, not my decision

[sgp]

Hello again. Lol. So, beating a dead horse possibly, but this is still on my mind. So, to try to end this, or at leaat maybe end the wondering, what do you all think about just straight out asking her if she is starting to have feelings again or if I'm reading too much into it all? I'm home from work now, she's still there, would that be something ok to ask through email, or should it be in person? Or at least through the IM at work (our main way of communication about this stuff). I'm worried about asking though because of the awkwardness after the whole thing, even though it was a long time ago, but I don't want to cause another rift between us since we've been getting along so well lately. Any thoughts?

[michelle23]

I think you should ask her but probably better to ask in person and if she says yes-you should do the right think and tell her its innapropriate for you to be friends.

Does her partner know you email/text a lot?

[sgp]

No, I don't think so. He's had a history of jealousy, and she's told me stories about him not wanting her to sit next to guys at her classes, and a long time ago (before the feelins stuff) we were walking at work and she said "do you know how mad he'd be if he saw us walking right now? So I don't think he knows anything about me, and especially not the way we've talked in the past.

[michelle23]

Then you need to stop this OP. Shes looking for an escape and she will use you as a way out. Before you know it shell be living with you and her kids too.

[michelle23]

Its a delusion and a fantasy-an escape from reality, a bit of excitement, a distraction. That is all you are to her OP. She is taken and this needs to stop.

Like I said already-she should stop complaining about him like a little school girl. If she was sooo unhappy-she would have left already. There are two sides to every story. How do you know shes not the one causing all the problems in their relationship? By the sounds of it he has good reason to feel possessive/jealous.

Stop listening to everything she says. She can play the victim all she wants-that is just her way of justifying HER bad behavior-putting all the blame on him. If she tries to talk to you again-tell her go and get relationship counselling and tell her to stay away from you.

You owe her nothing and the more time you invest in her-the less chance of you meeting someone special.

[searock]

I think you should tell her that what you have is inappropriate and unless she breaks up with her bf, you two should end this emotional affair. Then just stop talking to her so often, treat her like you would treat any other coworker.

It doesn't matter whether she has feelings for you or not - the reality of the situation is that she is TAKEN, so you should just back off and let her vent to her FEMALE friends (it's not your responsibility if she doesn't have any). So do NOT ask her if she has feelings for you, that's just going to enhance the emotional affair you've got going on and has to stop.

[sgp]

So, after a LOT of thinking and reading your comments, you guys are absolutely right. And, to be honest, I put myself in this situation, and it's really more from my issues than hers. She's never vented about him unless I've asked how things were going. It's because I've held onto these feelings this whole time that I put it in my head that she might be having feelings again, or I was at least hoping that. She does the same thing I do and bottles stuff up, and even when I ask her about him she just says she's blowing it off instead of worrying about it, so why am I making myself worry about it? I just need to stop putting myself in that position and stop asking about it, and go back to being normal. I've never got much attention from the ladies, so when she did back then, it felt good so I've held onto that, even though I've told myself that I wasn't. Denials a bitch lol, so yea obviously I need to try to find someone else (single) to make me forget about something where nothing even happened. I appreciate all the advice, even if it sounded like I didn't lol. I still disagree about the men/women can't be friends part though haha

[searock]

Men and women definitely can be friends - the one basic rule is that in order to be friends, two persons can NOT be attracted to each other.

In your case, you are obviously attracted to her, so you can't be friends with her.

[AnnaMarie99]

I actually just posted something related to this, except I am that girl, and me and my boyfriend's relationship used to suck and I would confide in a really good guy friend I had about stuff and then we ended up falling for each other. It was a crappy situation. I had feelings for my friend, but I couldn't give up my boyfriend.
It got to the point where my friend and I kissed, then I realized I had gotten too close.
I am still trying to make things right. I already told my boyfriend and promised not to be around that guy anymore... but he is still holding onto me and it hurts.
I would let go if I were you, because if she is going to stay with that guy, holding on will only cause you more pain. It would be best to put your energy and focus into someone else who is ready to fully give herself to you. You deserve that at least. She has her own reasons for being with who she is with, and those reasons are strong enough to keep her with him, regardless of you or not. And it's not really about you, it's about her and what she wants to do. If you care about her, and if you care about you, the healthiest thing to do is let go...
Hope that helps...

[AnnaMarie99]

And yes... emotional affairs can easy lead to physical affairs if you don't stop them before they start... be careful, and think it through...

[michelle23]

OP boost your self esteem "iv never gotten much attention from girls" so youll just settle then for anyone eho strokes your ego? That is unhealthy.

People with insecurity issues are destructive in a relationship-more likely to cheat and always think the grass is greener somewhere else.

Work on your confidence so you dont feel like your "settling for second best" when you meet a specisl girl.

[searock]

And yes... emotional affairs can easy lead to physical affairs if you don't stop them before they start... be careful, and think it through...

That's not the point: emotional affairs are cheating, just like physical affairs are.

[sgp]

You're, right. My self esteem is a work in progress. Believe me, I've actually come a long way, but still have quite a bit to go. Thanks again for everyone's help. And thanks Annamarie for the different perspective, I just need to get this out of my head that anything will happen. No matter how many times I've told myself this is something that won't happen and I don't want, there's always been the part of me that says shut up yes you do lol

[michelle23]

Well it wont lead anywhere which you already no and will only further damage your slf esteem. Keep your self respect and integrity and do the right think. Be proud of yourself for walking away and focus on the future