End of 8 year relationship VERY confused

[boabmac]

She is most definitely a girl who knows what she wants. She is a go getter! Maybe it is the age thing but I'm not so sure as she has always done her own thing and I have never tried to stop her going out with her friends at the weekends. I just can't understand why we were talking about marriage one day and I'm living alone the next. That's why I'm talking about the marriage thing. I'm wondering if she thinks that I truly didn't love her enough to get married so she is letting me go before I let her go!

[michelle23]

The same goes for lots of young men. I think if your lucky enough to meet someone your compatible with though-you should not let them go as you may never be so happy again. Ive seen it so many times "broke up with the ex but want them back" look it up-you'll find thousands of people saying how it was the worst decision they ever made. Its true you should marry your first love- your first real, happy love that lasted more than 4 years.. That person normally sets our standards and then we go out looking for that but cant find it somewhere else.

Sorry I'm waffling here... I'm not sure why shed be so eager to get married at 23. If my boyfriend proposed now-Id say no because we are not ready. Its better to wait until you have your career sorted, your home, financially secure etc..

Maybe shes just insecure and has always been afraid of losing you but then she realized that she can be alone as she spent a lot of time alone while you were working/training etc..

It sounds like she is being cold, aloof, even angry towards you. Are you sure she is not secretly pissed off or upset over something you are unaware of? If i had to break up with my bf-I know it would be the hardest thing in the world... and i wouldn't be able to do it without crying my eyes out..

[smackie9]

I know that with all that was said, there is still this "all of a sudden" change. This is just my theory and I hate to be the barer of bad news, but when someone does a 180 degree turn, it usually means there is another interest. I'm not saying she is cheating or has found a new BF, but just as much as getting harmless attention from someone new will do it. "The grass is greener" well that just might be true in this case. These things happen with a co-worker or a friendly internet chat. They start out as "friends" then one consoles, then a bond forms turning into emotional attachment, then into an emotional affair. Everyone says "Oh they are not that kind of person", but when people are at their weakest, things like this happen. Some won't admit because they are ashamed of it, embarrassed, or they just don't want to admit they were in a weak moment and got caught up in it. To me this would explain her suspicious behavior towards you even after the break up. Me personally I would be absolutely devastated, even if I was the one ending it, so something is amiss.

The best thing for you to do is give her, her space to figure things out. Sometimes these things do work out once they have had time to miss you, and realize how much they love and care about you. I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be just horrible. Just to carry on with your daily life must be very difficult. Have you thought about seeking a few counseling sessions? Sometimes talking to someone one on one, really helps.

[michelle23]

Its true that insecure people nearly always think the grass is greener but they are the ones who get married and divorced like 3 times or have 10 failed relationships behind them-that could be her in 10 years time..

If you leave your partner for someone else-there is definitely something wrong with you-same as a person who cheats.. When in a long term relationship, it is unhealthy to hop from one relationship to the next. Lots of people are guilty of it but it is so so cruel to the person they just dumped. I wouldn't do it. Id have more respect for my bf. If we broke up-Id wait at least 6 months before dating again and at least 2 years before ready to commit to someone else.. I think its better to be completely over an ex before trying to replace them especially if you want to give the new relationship any chance of working full time...

We don't know for sure though if there is someone else in her life. Did she show any signs of secretive behavior OP? Any signs of cheating such as:

http://ie.askmen.com/top_10/dating_top_ten_60/65_dating_list.html

or

http://datedaily.mate1.com/dating-tips-2/dating-tips-for-womens/14-signs-shes-cheating

[michelle23]

Dont get all paranoid and obsessed now as this may not be the case at all. She may just be angry about the holiday and wants you to suffer which seems crazy here to us-but it may be very important to her..

[boabmac]

No there was no signs of cheating at all. I've been through those thoughts too but definitely not any cheating. It would maybe make things easier if she was as at least I would have something to blame this all on except myself.
I think the holiday has a huge part to play with all this. It was money towards our wedding that is now going elsewhere. I think that's why in the end she decided not to go at all because every drink we had everything we had to eat anything we bought was, in her mind, her wedding ring. Why else would you knock back a holiday like that???
I think she is making me suffer for not standing up and saying "no" to the holiday.
Also, she is a "very in control" of things person, not so much controlling though if that makes sence. With my brother coming along and making decisions on our behalf and me not stopping it i think she feels likes she has lost the control and doesn't like it and she feels now that she will now be fighting for me with my brother.

[michelle23]

but if it bothered her this much, why didnt she try to talk to you about it ages ago? It doesn't make sense.

[boabmac]

I think that's down to me being a man and not taking the hint. She did talk about it all the time. I was making plans away from her to take her away and propose to her again and we would sit down and set a firm date and just have a romantic weekend together but in her eyes I wasn't bothering about getting married because I never actually said anything to her.
She was always worried that I would go away again with my brother and further delay the wedding. I told her that that wouldn't happen but she didn't believe me. That's why, stupidly, I was making my wee secret plan so that I could prove to her that a wanted it as much as she did but only I left it to late.

[michelle23]

In that case-don't give up. Maybe she just wants you to fight for her and prove your love. Us girls can be fairly dramatic at times and sometimes we expect men to act in a certain way..

Example: A few times in my immature days-I tried to pick a stupid fight with him for no reason just to get a reaction as to me it was like getting validation that he loves me-I grew out of that eventually but its hard to tell with men whether they really do passionately love you. A lot of men take a passive role in the relationship and sometimes we want him to just be more aggressive, more spontaneous etc...

We see in films -men acting completely different to the way they do in real life. We are brainwashed into believing a stupid fairy tale especially with books like twilight and we confuse all that for love. Most people have unrealistic expectations in a relationship and its only when you start to see through all the bullshit you realize that you are believing in a lie, a fantasy etc..

That's why most people confuse infatuation for love-the early excitement, adrenaline, butterflies, walking on a cloud etc but its not love...

When your with someone that long and engaged-I don't understand why people give up. There are other options like couples counselling etc.

I think you should call to her, ask all the questions you need to ask, tell her how you feel-just be honest. Tell her you don't want to give up. Try to be calm and don't beg but it is worth a shot. If she still wont back down-tell her "you know where I am if you need me" and leave.

[boabmac]

We did talk the night before I left. I tried to explain things about the holiday situation and how much I love her etc. it was very emotional night but very calm. In the end we just said goodbye to each other and that was it. To be honest though I've just clicked that maybe it is all down to marriage and that I never actually showed my interest in it, maybe it has nothing to do with it at all.
I am desperate to talk to her and try and make her see but I think it's to late now. She is a very decisive person and once her mind is made up then that is it.

[HeartIsAching]

My aunt was 17 when she met her husband and they are still together now almost 30 years later and they are probably that happiest couple/family that I know. If your compatible, good together, don't do anything to hurt each other, love each other and trust each other-then it can last a lifetime..

True, but that's rare.

[smackie9]

No there was no signs of cheating at all. I've been through those thoughts too but definitely not any cheating. It would maybe make things easier if she was as at least I would have something to blame this all on except myself.
I think the holiday has a huge part to play with all this. It was money towards our wedding that is now going elsewhere. I think that's why in the end she decided not to go at all because every drink we had everything we had to eat anything we bought was, in her mind, her wedding ring. Why else would you knock back a holiday like that???
I think she is making me suffer for not standing up and saying "no" to the holiday.
Also, she is a "very in control" of things person, not so much controlling though if that makes sence. With my brother coming along and making decisions on our behalf and me not stopping it i think she feels likes she has lost the control and doesn't like it and she feels now that she will now be fighting for me with my brother.

I never said she was cheating, but possibly getting emotionally attached. There have been other on here that have claimed there couldn't be, or they were not that type of person, only to find out they was something. An emotional affair is just a click away on the internet. But anyways, if this break up is about reassessing your priorities, then you would think she would give it one more shot, and have a discussion with you. But then again, she may have thought that if you are putting this trip ahead of the wedding plans, that would be enough to make her cautious about committing to a life time with you. Marriage is no picnic, and it is a huge responsablity, especially when children come into the picture. Maybe a lack of communication, and concideration on your part??

After 8 years, IMO you are at least owed an explination.